Tag: targets of bullying

targets of bullying

social chameleon meaning

Social Chameleon: Why Bullies and Victims Mask Themselves

6 Comments

‘Want to know all about the social chameleon and why bullies and victims become them? Here’s a description of each group and the different reasons they try to blend socially.

social chameleon

It’s normal to adapt to the people around us. Everyone does this to a degree. However, to completely mask who you are is unhealthy but in some situations, understandable.

Most people who mask their true personalities do it to avoid being rejected, bullied, or shunned. Victims of bullying do it for survival. Bullies, on the other hand, do it for deceptive purposes. They do it to hide evil intentions and behavior.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn all about the social chameleon and the situations that make cause you to become one.

Once you learn all about these details. You will be able to understand yourself better if you get targeted by bullies. Moreover, this post will prompt you to give yourself compassion, but also to slowly remove the mask so that you can let your true self shine.

This post is all about the social chameleon and the reasons why bullies and victims mask their true personalities.

Social Chameleon

Both bullies and victims put up facades. However, they each do it for totally different reasons.

Bullies Mask Themselves to Control Others.

A bully must work like a dog to keep up the facades. These facades help bullies to hide their evil behavior, avoid accountability, and ultimately maintain control over their targets and victims.

On the other hand, targets are naturally resistant to bullies. They may give in to them for the moment to stay safe.  However, they eventually find ways to rebel and break free.

Moreover, they do it by either fighting, fawning, resorting to trickery or fleeing. No one likes to be controlled. Therefore, bullies face resistance from others all their lives, whether that resistance is passive, aggressive, or both.

It’s only natural that you push against someone who abuses you and makes you out to be someone you’re not. As bullies must fight harder and harder to keep control of you, you fight harder to break their control.

As this goes on, bullies must tighten their grip. Moreover, the weight of their own lies and manipulations only grows heavier on their shoulders. Therefore, bullies must constantly search for newer and better ways to conceal their lies.

They must also look for ways to silence and subdue you. And they need to think up new lies and excuses for their bullying behavior so others won’t figure them out and begin supporting you.

Social Chameleon:

Bullies only get by on appearances.

The acts they put on are only illusions. Therefore, the bully’s entire facade is a mirage. Without it, they have no leg to stand on.

As a result, the constant threat of exposure weighs heavily on them. The lives of bullies are filled with cracks in their personalities and behavior. These cracks are like smoldering hot spots, after the townspeople have extinguished a house fire.

They threaten to reignite and blaze again. Therefore, these towns people frantically run around, pouring buckets of water on these hot spots to make sure they don’t blaze up again.

It’s the same with bullies and their evil personalities and behavior. They must consistently cover themselves to keep their wrongdoings secret. Moreover, they must keep up the illusion of gleaming white perfection.

Bullies need to impress others.

Bullies have an insatiable need to be A-1 best. If they can’t be the best, then they’ll, at least, give that impression. Putting on an act and controlling you isn’t an easy task.

Therefore, your bullies must continuously struggle to do it..

Once a bully justifies wrongdoing, they must get others to agree. How else can they avoid accountability if they don’t have others backing them?

Moreover, how can bullies feel good about themselves when they’re living a make-believe world of lies, fabrications, and confabulations? Again, they need other people to approve.

And when a bully forces others to agree with their behavior against a victim, their fear of exposure is even more obvious.

Social Chameleon:

Most people don’t recognize it when bullies are deceiving them.

Sadly, most people can’t or refuse to recognize it. Why? Because they’re too scared. Understand that fear blocks others’ ability to think clearly.

In that, it blinds them to evidence, contexts, and contradictions they’d otherwise see.  When a person encounters a bully, he must keep his head straight.

Only then will they realize that the bully is the fearful one. That is not easy to do. When faced with a threat, it’s hard to think because your logical mind shuts down.

Therefore, the primal brain takes center stage.

Again, bullies work the hardest to cover themselves. They often grow angry, resentful, and bitter because of it.

Why? Because they don’t understand why they have to expend so much effort.

Bullies are always banging their heads against the brick wall of life. And it’s because they’re against healthy exchanges of information and ideas.

Bullies also reject any new ideas and information. Moreover, they resist responsibility and teamwork. Bullies don’t respect anyone unless it benefits them.

You can’t help but to pity them. Can you imagine the difficult lives these people live? You can’t hate those who live such pitiful existences.

Many other targets may get offended at me for choosing to pity bullies. However, look at it this way. Wouldn’t you rather be hated than pitied? I know I would. At least there’s dignity in being hated.

So, if you’re a target of bullying, know that you’re much better off than your bullies are. It may not seem like it. But you are. Take comfort in it.

Social Chameleon:

Victims mask themselves for survival.

Here’s why you may become a social chameleon if you suffer bullying. It’s to keep others from further bullying and abusing you.

You may not be good at it at first. But you fake it until you make it.

When people bully you, you learn very quickly to either blend in with those around you or get eaten alive. You become highly self-aware and good at reading the emotions and nonverbal cues of others.

Therefore, you may learn to self-monitor and rehearse everything you do and say.

Understand that your mind will equip itself with scripts for every situation and conversation. You’ll pay close attention to body language and mimic others’ behavior.

Also, you’ll learn to pick up on other people’s moods and adapt yourself to any situation.

And it usually proves to be a useful skill.

As you get older, you get better and better at acting. In that, you also grow better at getting people to like you. You become expert at impressing people and ingratiating yourself into all kinds of groups.

In other words, you learn to quickly switch gears and change with your environment. You can be the life of the party or you can be quiet and reserved.

You can be introverted, extroverted, funny, charismatic, relaxed, wild, emotional, or stoic. Therefore, when you learn to detect the moods of others, you adapt yourself to match those moods.

Becoming a social chameleon is a Common Defense Against Bullying.

Understand that victims of bullying do this out of survival instinct. Even survivors who haven’t healed do it.

We become masters of deception. We mask to cool the anger of others in social situations gone wrong. Also, we mask to earn respect.

Everyone masks to a certain degree. Depending on the situation or people around us, we present different versions of ourselves. Victims of bullying, on the other hand, mask on steroids!

 You become an expert at blending in and being accepted. In fact, you polish your self-presentations.

In fact, it becomes so ingrained and natural to you, after so long, that you don’t even know you’re doing it. Many targets of bullying are bullied in school. However, they eventually learn to get along with anyone and are exceptionally well-liked as adults.

I have done this myself.

This is how we ensure that no one ever bullies us again. Moreover, this is how we get people to like us. We know too well what not to do or say.

The key to being successful at this is to not realize you’re doing it! Any conscious effort, on the other hand, comes off as contrived.

And once you no longer have to think about it, it becomes natural. Therefore, it’s no longer fake.

Practice Makes Perfect.

When you get older, you’ve practiced this for so long that you’ve become intuitively attuned to other’s responses to you. Therefore, you can effortlessly adapt your behavior when you sense that you aren’t making the right impression.

You keep a few good saves in your back pocket just in case a social situation goes awry. Moreover, you do this so well that you instinctively know what’s expected before you make a social move.

You become highly successful at making good impressions in social encounters with total strangers and in business. Your personality becomes so fluid and unpredictable that you emit an air of mystery that intrigues others.

This only adds to your attractiveness. However, this comes at a high cost!

For me, being a social chameleon grew exhausting and I chose to dial it down a few notches. I’ve found that it is much more relaxing to be myself and not to give a crap what others think.

Being a Social Chameleon Only Exhausts You.

Masking is exhausting. Also, the knowing that you weren’t true to your core beliefs and convictions has a heavy price. It leaves you feeling as if you sold your soul to the devil!

Moreover, it leaves an emptiness inside you that you can’t fill unless you start being your authentic self.

Therefore, it’s much better to be yourself. Stand up for what you believe in. You may make a few enemies but it’s much better than being a fraud.

Moreover, I’d much rather have a few people who don’t like me than to give up my identity and my authenticity!

Therefore, be yourself! Be comfortable in your own skin! Embrace all your imperfections, because we all have them. Give yourself permission to say no and to voice an opinion some may not like. Because to be yourself is freedom!

This post was all about the social chameleon, why bullies and victims alike become them, and the emotional costs of being one.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Knowing Yourself: Why it’s the First Step in Building Confidence

2. Be Happy Be Yourself: 3 Benefits You Reap When You Stop Caring What Others Think

3. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

4. Loving Yourself in an Environment that Hates You

5. Benefits of Self-Love: 13 Reasons to Love Yourself No Matter What

what does victim blaming look like reddit

What Does Victim Blaming Look Like? 9 Easy Signs to Watch for

2 Comments

What does victim blaming look like? ‘Want to know exactly how to recognize when you’re being blamed for the bullying you suffer. Here are all the signs you need to know about.

what does victim blaming look like

Victim blaming is ugly in that it re-victimizes victims, over and over again.

Therefore, in this post is all the answers to the question, “What does victim blaming look like,” so that you can know how to recognize it when you see it and how to defend yourself against victim blaming behavior it when a bully tries it with you.

Once you learn to see it when it happens, you will better be able to call it out when it happens to you or anyone else.

This post answers the question, “What does victim blaming look like,” so that you can see victim blaming for what it is and tackle it immediately.

What does victim blaming look like?

Many times, when you call out or report bullying, your bullies will blame you for their despicable behavior just to take the guilt off themselves.

So, what is the definition of victim blaming?

According to Welsh Women’s Aid, “Victim blaming is any response that explicitly states or implies that the victim is to blame for the abuse they have experienced.”

In cases of bullying, Targets Never Become Targets Overnight

Victim blaming doesn’t only happen to victims of bullying, it can also happen to victims of crimes, such as rape and domestic assault. Moreover, the blame can come from the perpetrators, other people, or even law enforcement, who is supposed to help victims.

The same happens to victims of bullying as well. Bullies are notorious for blaming their victims for their atrocious abuse. However, blame can also come from peers, teachers, coworkers, supervisors and managers.

This happens especially when the bullying of a certain individual first begins. Therefore, if you’re beginning to see subtle signs of bullying by others, be very careful. Why?

Because, any time bullies select a potential target, they start out subtle and sweet with their bullying. The reason bullies are subtle at first is because they’re testing the waters. In other words, they’re probing you to see how you respond and if you’re an easy target.

If you overlook their behavior, or response too emotionally, your bullies will slowly move on to more obvious verbal abuse. However, if you respond the right way by being assertive and telling them in no uncertain terms to stop the behavior, they will leave you alone. Keep in mind that this only works in the early stages of bullying.

And sadly, most people don’t stand up for themselves in the early stages. Therefore, again, bullies progress to more blatant verbal abuse.

Your bullies may try to blame you. However, continue to stand strong. Don’t back down and refuse to accept blame. Then, eventually, they’ll leave you alone.

What Does Victim Blaming Look Like?

1. Bullies Ridicule You and tell you to “Get Over It.”

Bullies will ridicule you for the way you feel about their abuse. Moreover, they taunt you if you have the guts to call them out on it. But see them for who they are.

  • “Get over it!”
  • “Let it go!”
  • “Forget about it!”

Whatever way they say it, it usually means the same.

Realize that bullies are self-entitled turds who think you should just let them ride roughshod over you. Also, they believe that you’re wrong for even trying to defend against the abuse.

Maybe they know they’re in the wrong but don’t want you to notice it.

How many of you have been told to do either of these? As if you could just wiggle your nose and everything is peachy king. When you’ve been abused, you cannot just let it go. Healing takes time.

The emotions you feel won’t just go away. Even if you paint a smile on your face and pretend that nothing’s wrong, these feelings will still be there.

They’ll only simmer under the surface. Moreover, the more you try to stuff them down and bury them, the more damage it will cause.

Don’t feel guilty for feeling the way that you do.

Understand that the emotions you’re feeling are there for a reason. They warn you that something isn’t right. Realize that the anger and hurt won’t disappear overnight.

 Know that the people who give you that kind of response do so out of ignorance and entitlement. Moreover, they only re-abuse you when they demand that you “get over it.”

In order to heal and get your life back again, you must allow yourself to feel those raw emotions. No, it isn’t comfortable. No one wants to feel pain.

However, you must go through it to come out on the other side of it. And while you’re moving through the pain, practice self-care.

Give yourself some TLC. Have self-compassion. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to baby yourself.

Take a few days off. Lounge around the house in your pajamas if you want to. Eat your favorite treat or give yourself a good, sweaty workout.

Also, treat yourself to a spa-day, facial, new do, or a beach vacation. Your first priority is self-care, whatever that may be.

Last and most importantly, don’t shut up! Tell your bullies to take a long walk off a short pier.

Also, keep speaking out and standing in your truth. Self-care also means being your own advocate and if people don’t like it, too bad.

Put yourself first!

2. What does victim blaming look like?

Shifting focus from your bullies’ actions to your reactions.

This is a classic bully-move. Anytime you call attention to their disgusting behavior, your bullies try to distract others’ attention to the way you reacted to it.

Your bullies do this for three reasons.

  1. To silence you.
  2. To make you ashamed of defending yourself.
  3. Also, to make you doubt your own judgement.
  4. To discredit you.

Bullying thrives on secrecy. Therefore, bullies point out your reaction, hoping that you’ll shut your mouth. Therefore, keep talking.

3. Questioning the victim’s reactions.

Many times, when you defend yourself against bullying, people will question your reaction. They may ask, “Why didn’t you walk away when the bully hit you? You didn’t have to sink to their level by hitting them back.

However, bullies don’t honor someone who walks away. People may tell you to be the bigger person and walk away from the bully. But how do you know that your bully won’t sucker punch you the moment you turn your back?

Realize that bullies only understand strength. Therefore, strength is what you respond with. Punch their lights out!

You have to let them know that if they lay hands on you, there will be consequences.

4. What does victim blaming look like?

Bringing attention to the victim’s flaws and weaknesses.

Your bullies may say that your weight or your big ears are the reason you get bullied. They may make remarks such as, “Maybe if you weren’t such an oinker, no one would mess with you.”

Be that as it may, no one has the right to bully you. Ever!

Therefore, don’t fall that bullshit. Continue to stand your ground!

5. Trivializing the victim’s pain.

“It’s not that bad.” “Aw! It’s not the end of the world.” How many gave you one of these responses when you reported bullying and abuse or spoke out about it?

Understand that bullies say these things to trivialize your pain.

Therefore, don’t fall for that garbage! Your bullies aren’t the ones on the receiving end of the abuse. You are!

Again, don’t let them gaslight you! Keep standing up for yourself.

6. Removing the bully’s name.

For instance, instead of saying, “Billy beat Kelly up,”  bystanders will say, “Kelly got beat up!”

Many times, the bully’s friends and followers will do this to protect their friend. Therefore, they cover for their buddy while taunting you because Billy beat the crap out of you.

7. What does victim blaming look like?

Suggesting that  you had it coming.

Lots of times, when bullies abuse you, they’ll tell you that you had it coming. They may say that you made them do it.

They’ll make statements, such as,

  • “You ‘made me‘ or ‘make me’ hit you!”
  • “You ‘make‘ people want to hurt you!”
  • “Don’t ‘make me‘ hurt you!”
  • “Don’t ‘make me‘ mad!”

However, you must see all this for what it is. It’s all a way for your bullies to blame you and take the guilt off themselves.

Think about this. If they can make you take the blame for their abuse, then they get off Scot free. Moreover, they can make themselves look like the innocent victims while making you look like the bully.

8. Implying that you must have provoked the bully.

For example, if you’re bullied at school and you report it to the principal. The principal then asks you, “What did you do to make that boy attack you?”

Sadly, school staff tend to take the bully’s side and blame the victim.

9. Asking you what you could’ve done to avoid being bullied.

School staff and workplace managers are also guilty of this. In many cases, they ask you, “What do you think you could’ve done to prevent John from cursing you out?”

If nothing else, understand this right now! When they ask you questions like these, they’re trying to put if off on you. Don’t let them do it!

Call them out on it! Let them know that you see through it and you won’t accept blame for anyone else’s deplorable behavior but your own! And when you say it, mean it!

This post addressed the question, “what does victim blaming look like,” So you’ll recognize it when it happens and defend yourself against it.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Stop Victim Blaming: 8 Reasons People Blame Targets for Bullying

2. Signs Someone is Gaslighting You: The 13 Must-Know Symptoms

3. Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to Be Aware of

4. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

Effects of Bullying on the Victim: 13 Symptoms of Bullied People

2 Comments

‘Want to know all the effects of bullying on the victim? Here are the symptoms you have if people constantly bully you.

effects of bullying on the victim

When you endure bullying, especially after a long time, you go through so many emotions. Moreover, you know you must bury those emotions or people will punish you for them.

In this post, you will learn the effects of bullying on the victim. If you’re a victim, you must know these effects so that you’ll be able to express them better to a therapist or to a confidant.

Once you learn about these negative impacts, you’ll be able to talk to someone about it without rambling.  You’ll also be motivated to take steps to either stand up for yourself or leave the environment.

This post is all about the effects of bullying on the victim so that you can effectively speak out about it. Also, you can begin doing what you must do to take care of yourself.

Effects of Bullying on the Victim

1. fear

It’s the intense fear you feel but don’t dare show. Moreover, it’s the paralyzing social fear that sets in. It only shuts you down and leaves you withdrawn from the rest of the world.

2. Hyper-Vigilance

Once people have bullied you for so long, you become intensely suspicious of every person you meet. Any laughter you hear, you automatically think, is directed at you. This is no way to live.

3. Pinned up Rage

After people bully you for so long, you become angry. In fact, you become enraged. But you don’t dare show it. Instead, you keep it buried deep, because you know that any show of emotion will bring even more bullying.

Therefore, you constantly keep your emotions in check.

4. confusion and bewilderment

Your bullies’ behavior confuses you. You often wonder what you did to make them so hateful and irate.

Moreover, you know that you should take a stand against the bullies. You know that you should speak out about it, only you don’t know how to do it, and you’re terrified that it will only make things worse.

5. Effects of Bullying on the Victim:

unanswered questions

A thousand questions play in your mind several times daily.

“Why me?” “What have I done to these people” and “How do I fix this?” are the questions you have in your head every time bullies surround you and harass you.

Moreover, you know what you want to say to the bullies.

“Look! Leave me the &%$# alone!” you scream inside your head but don’t’ dare say it because you know what’s likely to come next.

6. feelings of loneliness and isolation

When you suffer bullying, bullies smear you to keep you isolated and from making any new friends. At the same time, you automatically put up walls of protection to keep others out.

This only reinforces the separation from others.

7. loss of your entire personhood

In other words, you forget how to smile, laugh, and have a good time. In short, you forget how to connect with and interact with others.

Once bullies have browbeaten you for so long, you lose the vibrant, happy, and healthy person you once were.

Moreover, each insult, each rumor, each physical attack, each joke, and each prank cuts a little deeper. It chips away at your self-esteem, bringing you even lower.

You feel trapped, as if your bullies are holding you hostage!

8. Effects of Bullying on the Victim:

Constant Living in Survival Mode

Living in survival mode can make for a hellish life. Sadly, many targets of bullying go through day-to-day life surviving instead of thriving.

Consequently, this can have an impact on your successes with your family and relationships. You’re also likely to lose opportunities for advancement and for friendships.

Living in survival mode can also effect your mental and physical health.

Being stuck in survival mode can rob you of your personal power. Why?

Because personal power is essential to personal freedom. It’s the last vestige of power you have. Therefore, without it, you’re completely powerless.

9. Mental and physical exhaustion

And when you’re exhausted, you’re only running on fumes. You need extra sleep and have trouble getting out of bed in the mornings.

Moreover, you go into work or school at 8am dreading the day. Your butt drags around like an old, tired dog. You have zero energy, and constantly feel sluggish.

Living off raw adrenaline every day is never good. It can cause health problems, such as autoimmune disorders, hypertension, and heart issues.

10. Effects of Bullying On the Victim:

Instead of living, you only exist.

Instead of living a purposeful life, you only go through the motions. Circumstances beyond your control force you to only get by.

You have no chance of reaching your full potential and happiness quotient. Therefore, if you feel you can’t reach those levels, you don’t really live.

11. You either don’t have time to think about personal goals or you give up on them altogether.

When you busy living in survival mode, you’ll more than likely give up on your goals. Once you resign yourself, then the goal simply becomes just to survive and get through the day.

If you do think about your goals, those goals are only passing thoughts. Or you wish for your goals to materialize.

But here’s the thing about wishing instead of goal setting. Wishing denotes a spirit of lack instead of the spirit of abundance. A spirit of lack only invites more lack to come into your life.

You must understand that thoughts and feelings become our circumstances. In other words, what you think about, if even subconsciously, comes about.

12. You feel you must lie to people for your safety.

If people target you for bullying, chances are that you don’t like telling falsehoods. In fact, most victims of bullying hate lying! However, they do so out of fear and terror. Therefore, they lie out of self-preservation.

You see, a person who is under the threat of being harmed will do anything to remove that threat. Therefore, if they have to lie to save themselves, they’ll do it.

You must tell lie after lie just to survive! Why? Because you know the truth could get you hurt. So, you lie to make the bullying stop.

Consequently, if you aren’t careful, lying will eventually become a survival method.Moreover, it will turn into a terrible habit that’s hard to break.

13. Effects of Bullying on the Victim:

Learned Helplessness

After people have bullied and abused you for so long, you develop a condition called “Learned Helplessness.” In other words, you give up and forego any options you have to make a better life for yourself.

The only things you may know are bullying and abuse. Therefore, if those are the only things you know, you’re likely to stay stuck in relationships that hurt.

Moreover, you’ll probably stay in harmful environments. Why? Because bullies and abusers have conditioned you to believe that abuse is normal. Also, they make you think that it’s all you deserve and are ever going to get.

This happens to animals as well. Here’s a piece from the book, “The Body Keeps the Score,” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M. D.

“Maier and Seligman had repeatedly administered painful electrical shocks to dogs who were trapped in locked cages. They called this condition, ‘inescapable shock.’”

“After administering several courses of electric shock, the researchers opened the doors of the cages and then shocked the dogs again. A group of control dogs who had never been shocked before immediately ran away, but the dogs who had earlier been subjected to inescapable shock made no attempt to flee, even when the door was wide open- they just lay there, whimpering and defecating. The mere opportunity to escape does not necessarily make traumatized animals, or people, take the road to freedom.

Like Maier and Seligman’s dogs, many traumatized people give up. Rather than risk experimenting with new options, they stay stuck in the fear they know.”

In other words, you allow the abuse because you think that there’s nothing you can do about it. Therefore, you give up and stop fighting.

Effects of Bullying On the Victim

In Conclusion:

This is why you must recognize the horrible effects of bullying when you feel them. Moreover, you should never to allow bullies and abusers to drive you to giving up.

In other words, never let these people brainwash you into believing that you’re helpless. Why? Because it will have devastating consequences for your entire life.

No matter how others treat you and how bad things get, you must hold on to your self-belief. And you must do it everything you have.

Also, you must hold on to hope and keep your eyes on your goals and dreams. Only then will you break the hold any bullies or abusers have on you.

You may not physically be able to escape the bullying and abuse. However, you still have control over your mind. You still have a say over what goes into your mind and what you choose to kick out of it.

Know that you have more power than you know. Use it! Realize that you’re worth it and you deserve to live in peace.

This post was all about the effects of bullying on the victim so that you can recognize the symptoms and call them by name if you have fallen victim.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Lack of Boundaries: 15 Signs You Need to Get Some

2. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

3. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

4. Coercive Control: The Top 5 Signs and How to Escape It

5. The 4 Stages of Bullying

What Are The Far-Reaching Consequences of School Bullying and Mobbing?

10 Comments

How many lives could’ve been saved if we’d spoken up sooner?

For years, everyone saw bullies picking on and ganging up on targets- they saw it on the playground, the hallways, the gym, the locker room, the bathrooms, the classrooms, and on the school bus and the target was driven to act out in violence.

No one cared about any of the bullying until targets started taking matters into their own hands- more appropriately, until they started bringing guns to school and blowing their bullies away, committing suicide, or both.

It’s a shame that people had to die before we finally began to take bullying seriously. Being treated like an object for too long, instead of a living, breathing, and feeling human being can make one enraged enough to want to kill or desperate enough to escape the torment by any means (suicide).

Thankfully, not all who suffer repeated and patterned bullying and mobbing commit homicide or suicide. Most targets suffer in silence. They live depressed, isolated, bewildered, and confused because they’ve had their self-confidence stripped away. In that, they’re prevented from realizing their full potential and capabilities.

Many children and teens are terrified of getting on the school bus and many more stay silent for fear of retribution. Young targets endure torment others cannot possibly comprehend and much of the wounds and bruises are unseen. Just because someone isn’t bludgeoned, bruised, and bloodied on the outside doesn’t mean they aren’t they aren’t so inside. Physical wounds can be seen but wounds to the soul can’t.

Bullying and mobbing leave permanent scars. Even after time has gone by, the memories are still fresh. In fact, they’re so deeply entrenched that even decades later, targets can still remember the names of those who instigated the mobbing, those who joined in and partook in it, those who encouraged it, and those who pretended to be their friends but didn’t have their back and refused to help them.

As a survivor of school bullying and mobbing myself, I can tell you that I remember the names of every single one of my classmates who fell in the above categories, one of whom I thought was a close friend. I only recently stopped talking to this woman and was a fool not to have kicked her sorry butt to the curb years ago.

Every survivor I’ve ever spoken too remembers these things specifically.

Understand that when a child or teen is bullied and mobbed by virtually everyone, minor occurrences of ridicule, name-calling, and shunning may occur. However, things such as these build up over time.

What ends up breaking and killing the target’s spirit and self-image is the accumulation of so many incidences of so many classmates brutally bullying her and the fact that the abuse comes from everyone and from every direction.

But I guarantee that if you were to tell each of the target’s classmates what they were doing and tell them of the damage they had done to that targeted child, they would either deny it or respond with, “But all I did was…!”

Again, these “little attacks” come from many, many directions and over a long period of time against the same person- this is one of the biggest hallmarks of mobbing.

I’ve asked other survivors of school bullying and mobbing why they think their classmates mobbed them and not one of them knows why. Each one of these people, even decades later, wonder what they did to encourage their schoolmates to gang up on them and torment them the way that they did.

I always tell them that they did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment and that they should never blame themselves for their classmates’ atrocious behavior.

During my years of research on bullying and mobbing, I’ve learned that mobbing is always caused by a trivial conflict that’s not even personal but somehow, becomes personal later. The origins of mobbing can be anything- a potential target is a new student at the school, or the potential target says something that isn’t necessarily bad but rubs the wrong kids the wrong way.

Maybe the potential target is different, or maybe the child is highly intelligent to the point of overshadowing members of the top clique. It could be that the potential target brags about something and ticks off the rest of the class, or wears clothes that are out of fashion and the bullies use it as an excuse to torment the kid.

And long after the initial cause of the bullying is over and forgotten, the bullying continues.

Understand that if you were to ask bullies why they mobbed and tormented a certain individual, they either wouldn’t know the reason, or they would give an answer that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Therefore, targets and survivors alike must realize that the mobbing and bullying they presently struggle with or endured in the past was never about anything they said or did. It was never about them. It was always about their bullies’ own mental health issues. It was about the bullies’ senses of self-entitlement, their insecurities, feelings of self-loathing, and intense jealousy.

And once they realize these things, their self-esteem won’t take such a big hit.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why Many Targets Feel Better When They See Someone Else Being Bullied

18 Comments

This is a difficult thing to admit. However, sometimes when you’ve been singled out for bullying for so long, it can make you feel better if, by chance, you see another person also being bullied. I say this because, years ago, I felt the same way when I saw another kid being treated as badly as I was.

Many targets feel a sense of relief when they see bullies target someone other than them, and it’s not for the reasons most people would think.

It doesn’t mean that these targets enjoy someone else’s pain. It doesn’t mean that the target is sadistic. What it does mean is that the target sees it as confirmation that they aren’t the only one being mistreated.

Let’s be real here. No one wants to be the only one being picked on. No one wants to be alone or the odd man out.

But here’s something else. Anytime you are a regular target of bullying and bullies target someone else, it means that, for once, they’re not bothering you. Because when bullies target someone else, it takes the negative attention off you, and you get a nice little reprieve from all the BS!

Again, what the target feels isn’t pleasure. It’s relief!

I’ll go ahead and tell you the truth. When I was being bullied in school years ago, I felt that same sense of relief any time I saw another person catching heat because, again, not only did I need that confirmation that I wasn’t the only one being bullied, but I also got the break I needed from it.

I’m not say that it’s right amd I certainly wouldn’t feel the same today as an adult. What I am saying is that I was guilty of having those feelings of relief and that a few other targets and survivors have said that they were guilty of having the same feelings.

Although now, I would be angry and would stand up for anyone I see being targeted, I’m sad to say that this wasn’t the case years ago and it wasn’t a good way to be.

With that said, not only should we learn the inner workings of bullies but also those of targets too. When we learn the inner workings of bullies, we get to see what’s behind their desire to abuse others. We also see their motives and intentions for abusing their targets and so, we’re able to outflank the bullies and defend ourselves and others against them.

When we learn the inner workings of targets, we get to see the damage that bullying has caused them. We get to see the anger, the rage, the sadness, the despair, and the hopelessness they feel and, therefore, we’re better able to reach out and help them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Resilience of The Target of Bullying

2 Comments

Understand that we, as humans, know what we need to nourish and flourish. And if we’re not getting what we need and want in our current environment, we’ll get it somewhere else.

Targets of bullying are like flowers that lean toward the sunlight to grow.

If you’re a target of bullying, you will find someplace where you’re accepted. You will find friends. You’ll find love, and you’ll find happiness.

My bullies weren’t able to keep me bullied and broken. After I moved to a new school, their power ended. I was no longer within their reach. As badly as they wanted to, they couldn’t keep me under their bootheel forever. I moved on to a place with people who accepted me as I was.

Understand that bullies can only keep you down for so long. They can’t do it forever. There’s always somewhere people will accept you- just for being your awesome self. Always remember that. There’s always a better tomorrow!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why Many Targets of Bullying Find it Necessary to Lie

11 Comments

I’ve never told one lie in my entire life, and that’s no lie!

Ha! Shyeah, right!

Let’s face it, we’ve all told some big ones in our lives, myself included and yes, even you have. No one is perfect and there are many reasons why people lie- too many to list.

As we all know, bullies and abusers are notorious liars and they do it without even a shred of conscience. The scary thing about it is that they’re good at lying, and their talent for telling such convincing falsehoods is what makes them so dangerous. And why not, bullies and abusers have been telling fibs all their lives.

They’ve had so many years of practice, they’ve gotten deception down to a fine art. In other words, they’ve become masters at it!

We also know why bullies and abusers lie. They don’t only lie to cover their butts and conceal wrongdoings, imperfections, and shortcomings; but also, to discredit their victims, defame others, assassinate people’s character, and ruin their reputations and lives.

However, many targets of bullying also lie. But they lie for totally different reasons.

Targets of bullying don’t like having to tell falsehoods. In fact, they hate it! But they do out of fear and terror. They lie out of desperation. You see, a person who is under the threat of being harmed will do anything to remove that threat. And if they have to lie to save themselves, they’ll do it.

Many targets of bullying must tell lie after lie just to survive! Sadly, most people who are bullied feel like they must lie to protect themselves because they know that truth could get them hurt. Or they lie to make the bullying stop.

Sadly, lying becomes a survival method and, even worse, a terrible habit that’s hard to break.

I must confess that this was me years ago. During the years I was bullied, I felt I also had to lie to ensure my personal safety, and it sucked. A lot of my relationships suffered in the process, and I lost a lot of people.

After years of being bullied, I became a very sneaky and wile person. I used craftiness and cunning to get through a normal school day. I felt I had to use trickery and con games just to survive each day and I’m not proud to admit this today.

If there’s one thing you should remember, it’s this: The people you feel you must lie to have power over you. They control your life. In other words, by lying, you make yourself a subject.

Here’s another thing you should remember:

People with any common sense can tell when they’re being played. And lies have a way of unraveling. Falsehoods are also hard to maintain, and you must tell another lie to cover up the first one. In other words, it’s a lot of work to maintain a lie.

Eventually, I came to realize these important facts. There finally came a time when I began to ask myself these questions:

“Who are these people that I should have to lie?”

 “Why must I work so hard to hide stuff instead of being myself and being free?”

“Who do I have anything to hide from?”

“Why should I give up my power to people who have no business having it?”

That’s when I got sick of it and said, “screw this!”

Lying is too much work and it’s stressful too. And it’s a shame that more don’t learn that lesson. I’m so glad that I now have the confidence to be honest without feeling the need to apologize for it.

Today, I know that I have nothing to hide from anyone, and that means I have nothing to lie about. If they can’t handle the truths of my reality, then screw them. They don’t pay my bills, nor do they sign my paychecks. They have no authority over me and no bearing on my life whatsoever.

And even if they did, I wouldn’t feel the need to lie to them about anything.

Being myself and standing in my truth allow me to relax and live in peace and harmony. There’s no need to scramble to cover up any lies and it’s the life I love and want to continue to live.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Many Targets of Bullying Have Vivid Imaginations

14 Comments

Ideas Vision Innovation Share Think Concepts

Targets of bullying often use their imaginations as an escape from the real world of bullying and abuse. It’s why many of them later become successful writers, actors, musicians, artists, and architects.

Speaking from my own experience, I too had a very colorful imagination, and I’ve come to realize that this is a good thing because, without imagination and fantasy, there’s no life.

Imagination allows you to leave your toxic environment and envision a better life. We may fantasize about having friends, saving someone and being their hero, love, sex, money, or winning an award for a good deed or job well done. We may also envision our future- growing up to be a doctor. We might dream of becoming a lawyer and winning a high-profile case in court, or of marriage and lots of children.

Without imagination, we’d be stuck because the imagination is the starting point to success and a better life. Imagination sets us on the path to realizing our dreams and aspirations. It inspires creativity and gives us pleasure we can’t get anywhere else.

Imagination also relieves emotional pain and boredom.

I believe that my imagination is partly what kept me alive during the years I was bullied. It helped me to survive and ultimately, find my purpose, my calling, my passion, and my life’s work.

Understand that without imagination, we will have no purpose, no direction, no incentive to work hard and follow our paths, and no hope.

If you’re a target of bullying and your bullies ridicule you over your picturesque imagination, please do not listen to them and never be ashamed of it. Because it’s the very thing that can take you places you never dreamed of and will inspire greatness!

Nurture and grow you envisions by continuing to daydream. This is something you should never stop doing. Keep being creative and your creativity will grow. Understand that when you imagine and create, you have hope and hope is the only thing that will keep you going.

Never give up your dreams no matter what others may say or think. And realize that the people who make fun of it are only losers with no imaginations or creativity at all and they only do it because they’re jealous of your awesome mind.

With knowledge comes empowerment!