Tag: School Bullying

School Bullying

3 Motives Behind a Bully’s Attacks

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Behind every bully’s attacks is a motive.

Have you ever wondered why bullies are so aggressive with you when they could care less about you? You understand that when someone doesn’t care a lick about you, they show no emotion, positive or negative. In other words, they’re indifferent.

However, when the bully is aggressive, it shows that they are bothered by something about you. It could be something you said, did, or conveyed through body language. It could even be your very presence that might bother the person.

Whatever the case may be, that something about you is motivating the attacks and aggression. But realize this, it’s not that they care one iota about you. What they do care about, however, is the possibility of your taking your power back from them. You becoming independent of their thoughts and opinions of you is the last thing your bullies want.

Here are 3 motives and emotions behind a bully’s attacks.

  1. Fear.

Bullies fear losing power over you. Whether it’s physical attacks or smearing and trying to cancel you, every bit of it is only proof that they feel threatened. Moreover, your bullies feel that they’re losing the battle for power or are about to lose. Therefore, they double down on attacking you to reinforce their power over you and keep you under their thumb. This often comes in the form of retaliation because you stood up to them and defended yourself. And the only way to discourage you from doing that again is to retaliate with greater force. 

Why? Because if you stand your ground and begin refusing their attempts to walk on you, you just might start a huge trend and inspire others to do the same, causing the bullies to lose  all respect, status, and authority (power).

  1. Resentment and Revenge.

Again. When you defend yourself against a bully’s attacks or demands, you only make them look (and feel) like punks, especially if you do it in front of an audience. It is for this reason that bullies will often retaliate. And they do it not only to subdue you and keep you under their power, or to save their “tough” reputations, but they also do it out of revenge. Anytime you stand up to bullies, they will often try to get back at you for it. Understand that bullies are entitled little twits. They need gratification and satisfaction, and when you refuse to give it to them, they will resent you and desire to punish you for it.

lies, liar, woman whose nose has grown long

  1. Deception.

Bullies have an image to keep up and they want to look tough. In other words, the bullies are trying like the devil to cover up the fact that you’re winning the power war against them. Think about it. If you were truly losing, they would act indifferent toward you. Your bullies wouldn’t need to become aggressive. It wouldn’t be necessary to go on the attack because you would be no threat to them nor the image they portray in public.

Therefore, they wouldn’t give you the time of day. Bullies, particularly the narcissistic type, always discard those they deem to be losers. On the other hand, threats must be contained. Those they see as threats are a lot of hard work for bullies. They require many attacks for the bullies to restore their power, be that power image, social status, or even physical status.

So, if a bully is incessantly attacking you, it isn’t because there is anything wrong with you and it isn’t because you’re weak. It’s because you somehow pose a threat to them, and that threat may or may not be so obvious. It may be very subtle. For example, the bully may pick up on something that isn’t so visible, maybe an inner strength you have that they can’t quite put their finger on.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

18 Ways of Adult Survivors of School Bullying

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Brain inside stomach to represent the gut instinct

Targets of school bullying often learn tough lessons- lessons that they carry into adulthood. Bullying shapes their personalities, and the ways they do things once they leave school and move away from their tormentors. Because I’m an adult survivor myself, I can tell you what I and most other survivors took from it. School bullying changes targets. It changes the ways they do things and their attitudes, and the way they handle people because, again, it teaches them many hard lessons, which they carry into adulthood. Here are the 18 ways of adult survivors of school bullying:

1. ADult Survivors of school bullying Watch other People Closely.

Their experiences with bullies during school sharpened their emotional and social intelligence -Because they learned very early on how truly evil people can be, they know how to watch people without looking like they’re watching them. Adult survivors of bullying note body language, facial expressions, micro-expressions, tonality, delivery, and demeanor. Their people-sense wasn’t fully developed during school years. Therefore, they often let those in their lives who were only there to do harm and paid dearly for it. Therefore, as adults, former targets watch closely and avoid such people.

Saying no means saying yes to your rights

2. They don’t fear saying “no” and will sometimes say it simply because they can!

When they were schoolkids, bullies violated their boundaries to such an extent that they (the bullies) silenced them and never allowed protest when something didn’t feel right. People either duped or forced the targets to take a lot of abuse. Now that they’re adults, they get to decide what they will and will not tolerate. Adult survivors of school bullying exercise that freedom and autonomy every chance they get! Moreover, they get a feeling of empowerment from saying no.

3. they are no-nonsense adults.

They’ve learned early on the games people play, and you won’t dupe them easily. Adult survivors of school bullying  live by the old, “fool me once…” saying and hold it close to their hearts.

positive bullied victim says NO

4. they’ve a very open and solid refusal to take any crap from anyone, no matter the consequences they may face for that refusal.

I’m no exception. Former targets of school bullying took enough crap in school from classmates and a few rotten apples, who called themselves school staff that they’ve become even more determined as adults not to let others violate their boundaries.

5. they don’t give people many chances. To them, first impressions are important, so you’d better make it count.

One red flag, I’m gone!
One bad vibe, goodbye!
Any attempts to bullshit, see ya!

This is due to having been too forgiving of others when these former targets were young. Others took them for granted and mistook their kindness taken for weakness. They then exploited that kindness, much to the targets’ humiliation. And adult survivors refuse ever again to be put back in that position.

girl walking away from fake friends

6. adult survivors work their asses off! they’re tenacious when it comes to getting what they want and will stop at almost nothing to reach success.

Adult survivors of school bullying had enough of what they didn’t want while in school. Others called them “failures” so many times that it lit a fire under them. It made them that much more determined to succeed at everything they set out to do, if for no other reason than to show the haters and naysayers (even our ex-school bullies) that they can! Show them up and shut them up is another motto of the former target of school bullying.

7. they like having control over their own lives and will do anything to keep that control.

Survivors of school bullying had enough of others taking control of their lives long ago, and they will shut down the first person who tries to take away their personal power.

8. they can spot a bully five miles away in the dark.

Yes! Adult survivors are that good! For years, they dealt with bullies in school on a daily basis. They know the signs by heart. So, naturally, they would be good, nearly expert, at pointing them out.

Businessman with X-ray vision

 

9. As adults, they either avoid bullies like the plague, or, they take extreme pleasure in putting bullies in their places.

Adult survivors of school bullying looove standing up to bullies and they will call them out every chance they get. They love to make bullies feel like the losers they are. Adult survivors do this, remembering all the times they didn’t or couldn’t defend themselves in school.

10. they have thick skins that has become difficult for others outside their circle, to penetrate.

That’s the power of the former target of bullying. They love being unpredictable and keeping others on their toes to try and figure them out. It’s fun to them.

11. they can’t stand to watch others being made fun of and will rush to their defense.

Former targets of school bullying are not afraid to get nose to nose with a bully if need be. They do it not only to help the person being bullied but subconsciously, to make up for all the times they felt helpless. This compensates them for all the times they didn’t or couldn’t defend themselves against their bullies in school.

Two men and a woman getting kicked out

12. adult survivors of school bullying can smell horseshit like a bloodhound.

If someone tries to feed them a load of hogwash, they know it instantly and instinctively. Adult survivors see it as an insult to their intelligence and become highly PO’ed. Why? Because they know the lying person must think they’re too stupid to figure them out. And they won’t hesitate to call the person out!

13. They can More easily pick up on the emotions of others.

They cannot stand the thought of causing emotional or physical harm to another person, but only if that person isn’t trying to harm them first.

14. they place extra value on their families and friends.

Adult survivors of school bullying take extreme care not to take those they love for granted. They know what it’s like to be completely alone and not to have any friends. Therefore, they cherish family/friends and time spent with them.

Sky writing that reads, "Actions speak louder than words."

15. Adult survivors of school bullying are, in some ways, selfish.

I know I am. Former targets put a lot of value on themselves and their wants, needs, and interests- all because others didn’t value them as kids during school. So, they make it a point to put themselves first in almost everything. Their children and parents may be the only people they put ahead of them.

16. Words don’t convince them. Only actions and patterns do.

Back in the day, others duped them. Adult survivors of school bullying heard a mountain of empty promises and cheap words and paid dearly for believing them. They’ll be damned if they ever repeat that mistake.

Speech bubble that reads, "Get out!"

17. they live by our gut instincts-

Even better, adult survivors trust them because they paid a heavy price for ignoring them. They now have a sixth sense. Adult survivors of school bullying are excellent at picking up vibes (especially bad ones) and reading people and their intentions. If something or someone doesn’t feel right, they won’t hesitate to either walk away or tell the suspicious person to take a long walk off a short pier.

18. Tell them they Can’t and the adult survivor of school bullying will do it anyway.

And they’ll do it just to show you they can. Tell them not to do something and they’ll do it and take pictures. When another person tells them that they can’t do something, anything, the adult survivor will see it as a challenge. And they’ll do it anyway, sometimes right in front of you, just to show you up.

Speaking for myself, being bullied as a kid in school has not only made me a very powerful adult; it has also exponentially sharpened my people-senses, which in turn has afforded me not only scores of friends who love and respect me, successes, and even more opportunities, but ultimately, an enriching life!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullied Kids Embracing the Suck

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Embracing The Suck

Life circumstances can sometimes trap young targets of bullying in a school that hates them. It’s easier to get out of a toxic environment when you’re an adult target bullied at work. you can transfer, and if you can’t transfer, you can always quit. However, when you’re a minor, it’s almost impossible. What if your family cannot afford to move to a new school district? Also, what if your parents refuse to move or to transfer you? What if your parents can’t afford to home-school you?

There’s nothing worse than being stuck in a toxic environment and in a horrible situation. When everyone in the school is bullying you and there’s no way of escaping it, it’s the feeling of entrapment! Just imagine finding yourself in this situation and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it! You can’t get away from it! You’re just stuck there!

So, What Do You Do?

You embrace the suck. Embracing the suck means that you just grin and bear it. You just accept the god-awful, crappy mess that plagues your life because there’s no other choice. In other words, you’re just plain screwed and there’s no way out of it. You decide to live with it and  make peace with the possibility that things may not get any better. And yes, it sucks!

Sadly, targeted kids are stuck in schools with a toxic culture of bullying. Other classmates attack these kids daily. They attack them psychologically and physically. Teachers and principals view these children unfavorably because bullies have them convinced that the targets are the instigators. Therefore, school staff are constantly watching these young targets, waiting for a reason to drag them into the principal’s office.

These kids suffer from plummeting grades and poor school performance because circumstances force them to live in survival mode. Why? Because preparing for a hostile learning environment takes priority over studying and learning. Therefore, school staff see them as lazy and hopeless and refuse to give them the extra help they need.

Gee! That’s an awful lot of suck!

And how much suck can one child deal with?

Understand that if you’re a child dealing with these types of circumstance, you don’t have to just “embrace the suck.” There’s always School Choice. Nowadays, families can apply for vouchers that allow them to transfer their child to a new school. These vouchers have saved countless targets from years of toxicity. Also, there are other things you can do if, by chance, School Choice isn’t an option where you live:

  • document the bullying and have your parent or legal guardian help you with your documentation.
  • Also, depending on the jurisdiction you live in, hide a body cam or digital device in your backpack or on your person.
  • Thirdly, practice self-care.

And keep the faith. School Choice may not be available in your area now but it doesn’t mean it won’t be later.

You are not completely powerless. Do the above three things because they are the things you have control over. When you document and record the bullying, and practice self-care, not only is it probable that you’ll change the dynamic, but you’ll feel so much better about yourself. You will also feel that you have, at least, some control.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Self-Love Irrespective of What Others Think

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No lie. This can be hard to do, especially if the people around you hate you and are bullying you. Loving yourself in the midst of bullying and in a room full of people who think horribly of you takes a mountain of hard work when all you hear from others is:

“You aren’t worth a damn!”

“You suck!”

“You’re a drain on society!”

“You’ll never amount to a hill of beans!”

I understand. If you hear that long enough and from enough people, it can break your spirit if you let it. And how you refuse to let it get to you is to see it for what it is- noise pollution!

Here are a few more ways you can refuse to let their abuse get to you.

Give yourself permission to be yourself.

Know that’s it’s okay for you to be you.

Train your inner voice, through practice, to love you unconditionally.

Know that it’s okay to have needs, wants, and desires.

Deny the urge to compare yourself to others.

Understand that it’s okay to walk away from drama, and that it’s not out of fear that you do so, it’s out of smarts and self-care.

Allow yourself to make mistakes and to learn from them.

Realize that it’s okay to leave if you’re in an environment where you aren’t valued.

And lastly, know that it’s okay if people get angry with you.

Realize that if you don’t love yourself no matter your circumstances, it can have negative consequences later. Therefore, it’s so important that you do!

Although you can never control how others view you. And you can’t control what others say to you and how they act toward you. We must realize that another person’s behavior is beyond our control. However, what you can control is how you behave. In other words, you can control how you respond to the behavior of bullies and other idiots who try to steal your joy.

Loving yourself in the face of bullying is revolutionary!

Therefore, you must do what you can to drown out this noise pollution. And how you do it is to see your bullies for the creeps they truly are, think good thoughts of yourself, and remind yourself of your good qualities. Believe it or not, working to think highly of yourself when nobody else does is the greatest act of rebellion against bullies!

Again, see it for what it is. The judgements and verbal abuse you consistently hear from the cowardly creeps around you, is nothing but a bunch of racket. In other words, it’s noise pollution!

When you work to like yourself when others don’t, you refuse to let bullies get into your head. In that, you train your brain to filter out other’s negative comments and remarks that serve no purpose but to damage your self-esteem. Also, you silence that inner critic that would otherwise nag you night and day.

Moreover, when you love and accept yourself, others outside the bullying environment and strangers who have no history with you will be inclined to also love and accept you. No, your bullies and abusers won’t like or love you even if you love yourself, but who cares about them?

So, love yourself despite what others think of you. You will be surprised at how it will protect your self-esteem. When you work to feel good about yourself, even while bullies are tearing you down, it will work as a buffer to the psychological attacks they launch.

You may come out of it bruised but not broken.

With knowledge comes power!

School Choice- A Godsend for Bullied Kids!

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School Choice is an absolute must for bullied children and teens. Without it, targets would be stuck in a school that hates them. They’d be trapped in a cycle of bullying and abuse with no way to escape. Also, the bullies would be even further emboldened because they would know that their targets couldn’t get away.

It’s a dark side of human nature that, if bullies know you’re trapped, they have a strong sense of glee and become more brazen. Then there’s no limit to how far they’ll take the abuse.

School choice would give kids the right to choose the school they want to attend regardless of their zip code. However, as of now, many bullied kids are trapped in toxic learning environments. They are stuck in schools, where their cries for help go ignored by school officials. Moreover, these adults only refuse to acknowledge that they have a culture of bullying at their beloved schools.

They sweep incidences of bullying under the rug and hide evidence of bullying (like camera footage) from parents. Also, they take sides with the bullies, blaming targeted kids for abuse they suffer at the hands of their classmates.

School choice would allow a bullied child easier transfer. Yet Teacher’s Unions are dead set against it. But why?

Here are a few reasons:

1. Teachers and schools get funding for each child in attendance per day.

2. Teachers Unions want to monopolize students and don’t want the competition. School Choice would give schools and teachers competition for students, and therefore, state funds. Money does corrupt.

3. Bullying teachers and school officials may not admit it, but they don’t want to lose their power and control over bullied children. And if these children start switching schools, bullying school officials will no longer have power over these kids. Therefore, they will need to search for other targets even if they must eat their own.

school bullying

Every child deserves the right to attend a school in which they feel safe, a school that values them as human beings. They deserve to attend a school where they can finally have dignity and respect. And they deserve to learn in an environment where they can grow and flourish without any disruptions.

There are entirely too many special interest groups who wish to squash school choice. They would rather monopolize our children and grandchildren. Again, this is all about having power over bullied kids and lining their pockets. It only goes to show that, in the minds of school officials, money and power take priority over the safety and security of children and teens.

This must stop…yesterday!

“Townies, Cronies, & Hayseeds II”

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(A Collective Grudge)
Chapter 1
Back When

Sixteen-year-old Brielle Bennett sat in front of Thomasville High School reading the new and recently published Shannon Crooke McGregor novel when she was approached by seventeen-year-old Bobby Crabtree, his girlfriend Rita Winchester, and friends Ashton Childers, Kevin Kearns, Aaron Hughes, Jada Ames, Austin Eves, Philip Adams Jr, and Sarah Dickerson. They immediately noticed the book Brielle was reading. The title of the book, in big bold letters, across the top of the cover, read “Scars Never Healed.” Across the bottom was the name, Shannon Crooke McGregor.”

Brielle, a shy and bullied girl at Thomasville High School, needed to confirmation that she wasn’t alone, which was one of the many reasons she idolized Shannon Crooke McGregor, the famous author who had lived in Thomasville as a teenager and who had attended the same school. Shannon escaped the chains the held her in place, which were the same chains that were now holding Brielle in place, and if Shannon could go on to become famous, then perhaps, she could too.

A Forbidden Book

Brielle was startled out of her reverie when someone suddenly snatched her book out of her hands.

“Well, well, well! What do we have here?” Bobby jeered as he looked at the book, surrounded by his friends, who were laughing and jeering behind him, “Shannon Crooke McGregor!” He read aloud before glaring at Brielle.

Bobby angrily shook the book at Brielle.

“Really, Brielle? Shannon Crooke McGregor!”

Bobby then threw the book back at Brielle, hitting her in the face with it. He then took her by the collar of her blouse and jerked her up from the bench she was sitting on.

“You support the bitch who slandered this town and this school? You know? We’ve always hated your guts! That’s right! We hated your guts before! But now! We fucking loathe you! You’re enemy number one now! You’d better watch your back from now on!” He growled before shoving her back down on the concrete school patio.

Brielle reached to grab her book but, in a rage, Bobby kicked it out of her reach and the book went sliding across the patio and hit one of the garbage disposals. He then walked away with his friends laughing behind him. Rita looked back at Brielle.

“Stupid bitch!” She called back…

dreamstime_xl_37284171

Graduation

…Over a year later, during graduation, Brielle received her diploma and walked back to where she had sat amid jeers and boos. Only her family clapped and cheered for her.

“Don’t pay any attention to them, Brielle. We’re proud of you, sweetie.” Brielle’s mother called out to her from the audience.

Just after the commencement ceremony was over, Brielle hugged each of her family members in festive and celebratory happiness. Her mother and father were so proud of her, and Brielle was excited for the future.

“I can’t believe it’s over! It’s really over!” Brielle gushed with tears of joy in her eyes. She hugged each of her brothers.

An Evil Pact

Not far away, Bobby and his friends, also in their graduation caps and gowns, stood together, all glaring at Brielle, watching her smile and pose for pictures with her family and few friends. They turned and looked at one another.

“She only thinks it’s over! But it’s far from it!” Rita sneered. Each bully stood in unity and put their hands-on top of one another’s.

“We need to make a pact. She still has to live here.” Bobby said, “So, we start a little campaign.” He suggested.

“Ha! When we’re done with her, she’ll have no job prospects, no prospects for college, no marriage prospects- we’re going to isolate her and drive her to poverty! She’ll live in squalor when we’re through!” Rita growled.

“And if that don’t work, we kill her!” Bobby pledged, with his friends cheering in agreement.

A New Life

Unbeknownst to the bullies, however, Brielle had other plans. She hopped a Greyhound bus and left Thomasville the following week, heading to sunny California.

Brielle tried getting into acting. Apart from a few guest appearances and bit parts in a few movies, she couldn’t seem to get her big break. While she tried her hand at acting, she worked in a gentleman’s club as an exotic dancer and made good money. She soon gave up on acting and decided to make a career in dancing. Although four-hundred thousand dollars a year was nothing to sneeze at, it was still peanuts in southern California.

At twenty, Brielle met and married a businessman, then had three children…

Bullying and Plausible Deniability

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Most bullying is emotional and psychological torture. Sure, there are many physically violent bullies out there and they are psychologically traumatizing enough using their fists. However, physical bullies are either (a)not very socially intelligent and persuasive, (b) attack in groups wearing masks over their faces to give them anonymity, (c) so well-connected that they’re almost untouchable, or (d) couldn’t care less about the consequences they will face.

The reason most bullies prefer psychological violence is because there are no bruises, cuts, wounds, scars, or any visible marks on the target’s body. And without visible marks, there’s no proof of the abuse. Therefore, when you report the abuse, the perpetrators aren’t likely to get into trouble for it and you stand more of a chance of being accused of being too sensitive, paranoid, or mentally ill.

These are the reasons I recommend being prepared when you know you must walk into a snake pit.

Here are ways to gather evidence:

1. Document the abuse- I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it many more. It’s crucial to document each bullying incidence and do it in detail. Use the 5W method- (What, who, why, when, where…and sometimes how) write down what happened, who was involved, who were the bystanders and witnesses, why the bullying incident happened (retaliation for reporting a prior bullying incident?) when it happened (date and exact time of incidence) and where it happened (school bathroom, locker room, gym, behind the school, the parking lot, etc.).

2. Wear a body camera- If you live in a one-party consent jurisdiction and the laws permit you to wear one, I recommend you wear a body camera. In fact, I can’t stress it enough! Body cams that record both video and audio are your best bet, but if you can only get a cam that records video, that’s fine too as you can still capture physical attacks and body language. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but a video is worth a thousand pictures because if bullying is caught on video, there’s no question that it’s happening and it’s the best evidence you can get!

3. Keep a digital recorder handy- These are good for recording verbal altercations and many of them today can play recorded sound that is clear and not muffled.

4. Make 3-4 Copies of your evidence- Whether it’s documentation, body cam recordings, or digital audio recordings, it’s always best to make several copies of the evidence because schools, companies, and other entities are notorious for (deliberately) misplacing and losing a target’s evidence of bullying. Yeah, I know. Convenient, isn’t it?

5. Keep each of your copies in different (undisclosed) locations- This is so important! Because, if you think school districts and companies haven’t snooped through a target’s office, or worse, hired people to break into their houses to search for evidence they can dispose of, you’re wrong! When it comes to the threat of being sued, schools and companies will resort to anything, and I mean anything!

6. Screenshot and save any nasty and abusive emails, texts, or private messages- Very important! Any time bullies resort to cyber-bullying you via email, text, or private message, they automatically leave a paper trail! Screenshot it, save it, and, if need be, print them all out. Make copies of them and the files. Store each copy in an entirely different place (your house, your grandma’s house, your lawyer’s office, etc.) Store them in a fireproof safe!

They snoop through your garbage when you put it out on the street for the trash-men to pick up the next morning, break into your vehicle, and other nefarious things to cover their butts. I’ve read many an article about these things happening to targets of bullying, whether in school, the workplace, or community. And in today’s world, bullies are now targeting their victims for surveillance drones and school boards are targeting parents with electronic surveillance as well, then spreading their private information and pictures of children to some evil entities.

It’s a very dangerous world nowadays and you never know what sick people you just might be dealing with.

gavel and soundblock of justice law and lawyer working on wooden desk background

I can’t stress enough how important it is to gather your own evidence. Quietly do your own investigation. It’s pointless to rely on the school or workplace to investigate for you because the results will only be in the bullies’ and the investigating entity’s favor, not yours! Never, ever trust anyone else to gather evidence or investigate for you. When you’re targeted for bullying, you cannot afford to trust anyone but yourself and I’m not joking! When you’re bullied, it’s not the time to be lazy. The only person you can depend on is you. Only you can gather the evidence you need to prove that you’re targeted by bullies, take legal action, and get justice.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What Are The Far-Reaching Consequences of School Bullying and Mobbing?

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How many lives could’ve been saved if we’d spoken up sooner?

For years, everyone saw bullies picking on and ganging up on targets- they saw it on the playground, the hallways, the gym, the locker room, the bathrooms, the classrooms, and on the school bus and the target was driven to act out in violence.

No one cared about any of the bullying until targets started taking matters into their own hands- more appropriately, until they started bringing guns to school and blowing their bullies away, committing suicide, or both.

It’s a shame that people had to die before we finally began to take bullying seriously. Being treated like an object for too long, instead of a living, breathing, and feeling human being can make one enraged enough to want to kill or desperate enough to escape the torment by any means (suicide).

Thankfully, not all who suffer repeated and patterned bullying and mobbing commit homicide or suicide. Most targets suffer in silence. They live depressed, isolated, bewildered, and confused because they’ve had their self-confidence stripped away. In that, they’re prevented from realizing their full potential and capabilities.

Many children and teens are terrified of getting on the school bus and many more stay silent for fear of retribution. Young targets endure torment others cannot possibly comprehend and much of the wounds and bruises are unseen. Just because someone isn’t bludgeoned, bruised, and bloodied on the outside doesn’t mean they aren’t they aren’t so inside. Physical wounds can be seen but wounds to the soul can’t.

Bullying and mobbing leave permanent scars. Even after time has gone by, the memories are still fresh. In fact, they’re so deeply entrenched that even decades later, targets can still remember the names of those who instigated the mobbing, those who joined in and partook in it, those who encouraged it, and those who pretended to be their friends but didn’t have their back and refused to help them.

As a survivor of school bullying and mobbing myself, I can tell you that I remember the names of every single one of my classmates who fell in the above categories, one of whom I thought was a close friend. I only recently stopped talking to this woman and was a fool not to have kicked her sorry butt to the curb years ago.

Every survivor I’ve ever spoken too remembers these things specifically.

Understand that when a child or teen is bullied and mobbed by virtually everyone, minor occurrences of ridicule, name-calling, and shunning may occur. However, things such as these build up over time.

What ends up breaking and killing the target’s spirit and self-image is the accumulation of so many incidences of so many classmates brutally bullying her and the fact that the abuse comes from everyone and from every direction.

But I guarantee that if you were to tell each of the target’s classmates what they were doing and tell them of the damage they had done to that targeted child, they would either deny it or respond with, “But all I did was…!”

Again, these “little attacks” come from many, many directions and over a long period of time against the same person- this is one of the biggest hallmarks of mobbing.

I’ve asked other survivors of school bullying and mobbing why they think their classmates mobbed them and not one of them knows why. Each one of these people, even decades later, wonder what they did to encourage their schoolmates to gang up on them and torment them the way that they did.

I always tell them that they did nothing to deserve that kind of treatment and that they should never blame themselves for their classmates’ atrocious behavior.

During my years of research on bullying and mobbing, I’ve learned that mobbing is always caused by a trivial conflict that’s not even personal but somehow, becomes personal later. The origins of mobbing can be anything- a potential target is a new student at the school, or the potential target says something that isn’t necessarily bad but rubs the wrong kids the wrong way.

Maybe the potential target is different, or maybe the child is highly intelligent to the point of overshadowing members of the top clique. It could be that the potential target brags about something and ticks off the rest of the class, or wears clothes that are out of fashion and the bullies use it as an excuse to torment the kid.

And long after the initial cause of the bullying is over and forgotten, the bullying continues.

Understand that if you were to ask bullies why they mobbed and tormented a certain individual, they either wouldn’t know the reason, or they would give an answer that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Therefore, targets and survivors alike must realize that the mobbing and bullying they presently struggle with or endured in the past was never about anything they said or did. It was never about them. It was always about their bullies’ own mental health issues. It was about the bullies’ senses of self-entitlement, their insecurities, feelings of self-loathing, and intense jealousy.

And once they realize these things, their self-esteem won’t take such a big hit.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Cycle of Bullying, Psychological Injuries, and Psychological Care of The Target

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Imagine this scenario: A young boy or girl is a target of bullying at their school. Every morning, they arrive at school and are greeted by a barrage of name-calling, taunts, cruel jokes, ridicule, and many times, physical assaults and beatings.

The poor target is trapped in a school they aren’t safe in, a learning environment that’s dangerous to them. The target does their best to stay strong, to hide the tears which beg to poor forth like a raging torrent. The child knows that if she ever shows the hurt, the bullies will only bask in it. They’ll have her where they want her, and the bullies will then move in for the death blow.

So, the target continues to hide his emotions. He continues to pretend that everything is okay and that the bullying he suffers isn’t such a big deal. But it is and it’s tearing him up inside. As time goes on, the bullies escalate their attacks because they see the target’s stoicism and calmness as a challenge. Therefore, the cruel attacks become a game to the bullies. The goal is to break the target and they want to see what it’s going to take to achieve that goal.

Then, one day, it happens. The target has a breakdown. After will, no one can bury all that pain forever. She is admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a month and gets the help she needs. She is in a safe environment. Therefore, she is allowed to speak out about the bullying she has suffered. Caring staff and fellow patients give her the support she has long needed, and she begins to heal and get better.

After some time in hospital, he is finally released and is free to go home and his parents take him back to school. The very school where his bullies run amuck. And once he’s back, the bullies have a go at him once again.

The target continues to go to school. The bullies only pick up where they left off and continue to harass her. The bullies wonder where she’s been, and they have a pretty good guess at it. So, they bully her harder because, although they don’t know for sure, they only guess where she’s been, and they use the possibility that she was in a hospital as a weapon against her.

Now, not only is the target’s reputation ruined because of the bullying, but, even worse, she has the stigma of mental health hanging over her. Slowly, over time, the bullies and the toxic learning environment manage to undo all the progress the target made in the hospital. Once again, they push her to her breaking point, and she lands back in the hospital.

And thus, becomes a vicious cycle- the target is bullied to the breaking point, he is admitted to the hospital where he can heal. Then, once he heals and he is released from the hospital…and is forced back into the same toxic environment and with the same poisonous people that made him sick to begin with!

I know firsthand of this reality because it happened to me, over and over again, until I finally changed schools.

When I had my first child, I vowed not to make the same mistakes my parents made. If ever my children were bullied and it began to become ritualistic, I would immediately take them out of the school they were bullied in and transfer them to a safer school, no matter what sacrifices I had to make to do it.

Thankfully, when my eldest son began to be bullied in middle school, his father, stepmother, and I got together and made a plan to have him transferred before the bullying had a chance to escalate to a dangerous level. And it worked!

His grades skyrocketed at his new school and when he graduated, he did so with scholarships! We were so proud!

Stigma word cloud concept on grey background

Therefore, a school transfer is always best when a child is bullied by classmates and that bullying becomes a pattern. Once it becomes a habit and the other kids grow comfortable with bullying a target, it will only get worse. And if the target goes to a hospital and gets help, then released back into the same environment that made them sick, they will end up back in the hospital…again, again, and again, until he leaves the school, he’s bullied in.

It may take some sacrifice to transfer your child to a new school and it may be more expensive. However, it’s a small price to pay compared to a stack of psychiatric bills, or worse, funeral and burial costs.

Think about it.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Feeding Frenzy

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About 200 beasts hungrily stood in line to get their pound of flesh.
The first time they saw me they envisioned meat so succulent and fresh.

As they rooted and feasted on my frail body they locked their jaws so rough.
The bloody, meaty pieces were so addictive they couldn’t get enough.

With bottomless pits, they came back for more, more, and more still.
No matter how much flesh they took, they could never get their fill.

As they looked at me from their desks with fire and brimstine in their eyes.
They salivated, smacking their lips and licking their chops and they did rise.

To the occasion.
In anticipation.

Their eyes narrowed into little slits as they bore their stained-pink teeth at me.
But although they’d sink them deeper into my jugular, my death wasn’t to be.

They smelled the fear and lusted after my blood as they anticipated.
This wolf pack stayed ravenous and were never close to satiated.

The brutal kill and resulting feast they desired but could never quite attain.
Because they could never be satisfied with even the maximum amount of pain.

These vampires, they desired to suck the lifeblood from my body until there was no more left.
Only of my life-giving blood, they could never quite leave me bereft.

So they couldn’t resist nor get enough of it’s sweet but metallic taste.
They couldn’t rip and tear severely enough, so their energy they’d only waste.

They couldn’t get enough of the deliciousness of the raw meat of power.
So in their discontent they’d sit and in bitterness they would glower.

While grinding their boot heels into the back of my neck.
In their evil favor, they had to work feverishly to stack the deck.

But surprise, I survived and my body’s gaping wounds did close and heal.
My precious life’s blood those vampires could never completely steal.

I finally escaped my evil predators and began to grow stronger.
Under their dirty, nasty, grubby paws I remained trapped no longer.

The near-fatal, bleeding wounds they inflicted soon turned to scars.
But you see? The scars bullies inflict can help you reach the stars.

How Bullying Negatively Affects The Targets Performance in School

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As we all should know, bullying can have a devastating effect on grades and class performance. Here’s how:

Anytime you are a victim of bullying, you are forcibly put on constant alert for an attack. It feels as if you have a target on your back and you must grow eyes in the back of your head. You become hyper-vigilant, which breeds anxiety and leads to exhaustion. Not only is the body tired, but also the mind.

When so much focus must be placed on ways to protect yourself and maintain dignity, safety takes priority over studying lessons. How can one concentrate on schoolwork when they’re constantly bombarded with threats, taunts, name-calling, and physical violence? How can a student study and learn effectively when the mind is tired from being stuck in what seems to be a never-ending fight-or-flight mode? It’s almost impossible!

I can tell you this because it happened to me.

In my book, “From Victim to Victor”, I talk about having been on the honor roll before I began attending school in *Oakley (The school I was bullied in). I also talk about the transfer to *Roseburg High School during my senior year and how my grades skyrocketed overnight! After leaving that toxic learning environment and moving to a new school, my grades went from ‘C’s and ‘D’s to all ‘A’s with maybe one ‘B’. I made honor roll again for the first time in five long years!

Here is an excerpt from my book, “From Victim to Victor”, which explains things a little deeper:

bullied victim tortured

“…when anyone, even the most logical and rational of anyone is under a large amount of stress over a long period of time, the glucocorticoids that have flooded the brain and body for so long will cause the atrophy of areas responsible for memory, emotional regulation and ability to maintain positive relationships…”

Therefore, should it be any wonder that the majority of victims of bullying have such poor grades and class performance?

Second, after being told repeatedly and for so long that they don’t and never will amount to anything, victims begin to believe it themselves. A condition, known as “Learned Helplessness” develops and victims simply stop trying altogether.

In conclusion, bullying can affect ALL areas of a victim’s life. Not just social, but academics and achievements as well.

(*Not the real name of the town.)

The Most Ridiculous Bullying Advice I Ever Received

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Anytime a target is bullied in school or college, adults can give some of the most ridiculous, downright ludicrous advice that, in most cases, has no chance of ever producing positive results. This isn’t to say that the people who give the advice don’t mean well, because most of the time, they do. It only comes from a lack of knowledge.

However, other adults, like a few teachers and school officials will often give the same advice not only out of laziness, but also hoping the target will forget about the bullying he/she suffers and let the bullies off the hook. I write this from personal experience.

I can tell you that I got lots of advice back in the day that was not only ineffective, but counterproductive, from a few well-meaning family members who didn’t know better, lazy teachers, and not-to-be-bothered principals. And when I did take their advice and found that it produced no results, I felt let down to say the least.

Here are some things that were suggested to me years ago when I was in the battle of my life:

1.Ignore them. I’m sure everyone who has ever battled bullies has gotten this advice. Here are a few reasons why this almost never works.

a. Bullies seek attention. And they are relentless in that pursuit. If one thing doesn’t get your attention, they will try something else, and they won’t stop until they’ve worn you down and caused you to react out of exhaustion. Even then, they won’t stop.

b. Bullies think they’re entitled to unearned respect. Many of these bullies get extremely angry when you ignore them because they see it as disrespect. Then, they will retaliate and continue to make you pay from that day forward.

c. Bullies mistake your ignoring them for fear- these bullies are like wild animals. When they smell fear (or think they do), look out! Because they’ll take full advantage until they either crush you underfoot, or you blow your top, knock the taste out of their mouths, and land in trouble with school authorities or police.

The best thing to do is to come back at the bullies with something witty to throw them off balance, or initiate a good burn to humiliate them and make them think twice about ever coming for you again.

2. Just Overlook Them. Right! It’s hard to overlook a bully who’s in your face, screaming curses and obscenities at you, daring you to say something back to them or to hit them. It’s also difficult to ignore a bully who’s beating the crap out of you after school every other day. How can you overlook or ignore that?

 The best thing to do here is to tell them to back the hell off or if need be, defend yourself by putting up your dukes and fighting back like your life depends on it.

 3. Kill them with kindness. Shh-yeah! Although it may work with bully-victims who bully you, it will never in this lifetime work with narcissistic bullies. Narcissists see kindness as weakness and will use it to their own ends and to crush you. Also, they’ll come back at you much harder because they see kindness as a bad reflection on them and they can’t handle anyone who naturally makes them look like scumbags.

The best thing to do with narcissists is to avoid contact with them altogether. Instead of killing them with kindness, kill them with indifference instead.

If you’re reading this, and you’ve ever been a target of bullying, feel free to comment about the bad advice you got from others in the below.

When A Former Bully from School Asked Me Out

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stop bullying

Today, I would have just told him “No” and let that be the end of it. The year was 1997 and I was 26 years old and seven years post high school when I ran into a guy who had harassed me mercilessly during high school. During that time I was lead singer of a band and we were doing a show at a nightclub in Memphis. It was during a fifteen-minute break between sets that I ran into him and I’ll have to admit, he was very charming, displaying the very charm which had allowed him to go undetected and escape accountability all those years ago.

I was cordial to him as I’d been to everyone who had come to watch the band. However, when he asked me out, instead of feeling honored, I felt quite insulted. My first thoughts were:

“You’ve got some nerve, buddy!”

“Do you not remember all the times during school you helped make me feel completely worthless?”

Nope refuse

“Do you not remember all the horrible names you called me? All the taunts? The jokes?”

“What make’s you think that I’d be even REMOTELY interested?”

Honestly, I would’ve had to be either stupid or desperate to go on a date with the likes of him and I believed his reasoning for it was one of either three things:

1. It was much safer for him to take me out now that we were out of school and he no longer had to face the old high school clique on a daily basis.

2. He thought I was desperate.

3. He thought I was easy.

This only made me angrier. Then I smiled and said, “Let’s talk about it after the show.”

After the show ended, we talked and I agreed to go on a date with him the following weekend. We agreed to meet at a restaurant in a neighboring town. Only I never showed up.

thumbing nose

When he called me the next day and wanted to know why I had stood him up, informing me that he’d waited for over an hour, my response was,

“You don’t know? You don’t remember all the times you made me feel so bad about myself during school? You don’t remember all the horrible names you called me? You don’t remember all the times you joined everyone else in humiliating me during school? You knew I was hurting and you didn’t give a damn! You knew I was dying inside and you didn’t care! Well, how does it feel, buster?” I shouted.

He apologized profusely, over and over again. But at that time, I just wasn’t ready to forgive him.

It was a rotten thing to do to someone, I know. However, at that time, I wasn’t as mature as I am now and I just had to make a point.

It took a while but things worked out in the end. I eventually forgave him and we became close friends.

If You’re a Survivor of School Bullying, Should You Send Your Kids to the Same School You Were Bullied in?

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dreamstime_xs_165096065

As an activist in the Bullying Awareness Movement, I’ve had many adult survivors of school bullying ask me whether they should send their children to the same school where they were bullied themselves as children and teens. Naturally, my response is a “No!” – or more appropriately, an emphatic “HELL NO!”

Having been a target of bullying from grade six until I finally escaped through a school transfer, I decided during my pregnancy with my first child, that should we ever have to move back to the town I was bullied in, hell would freeze before my children would grace the halls of the schools there.
“What parent worth their own salt would subject their children to that kind of learning environment if they could help it?”

bullying

Here are my reasons for keeping my kids clear of *Oakley Schools:

1. Bullies tend to take jobs that give them authority (Teaching, Law Enforcement, Corrections Officer, Supervisor, etc.). I knew that by the time my babies reached school age, many of my former bullies would probably be teachers in the small town where I had been a victim (teaching is the second-highest profession for workplace bullying and teachers who bully other teachers are likely to bully students too).

2. In most small Southern towns, such as the town in which I was victimized, the mentality is this:

“If we hate you, we will hate your children even more.”

small town

Because they had targeted me in the past, it was a safe bet that upon their finding out who my children’s mother was, they would target my babies as well, if not worse. Anytime you are or have been a victim of bullies, anything (or anyone) you love and care about is always fair game to them. If they come for you, they will come for those you love also.

I realize that in this day and age of progress and advanced technology, this may sound a little “Hatfield and McCoy” but things like this do happen and more so than we know.

Every situation is unique and everyone has different experiences. So, again I ask you, Would you send your kids to the same school you were bullied in?

Feel free to comment below.

(*not the real name of the school district)

Guest Post: What Is The Future Of Bullying?

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The following is a guest post from DiosRaw.com. Please check out her website if you would like to read more of her posts.

Hello there, the world is rapidly changing and we don’t know what the future holds. Today I will go into the realm of “what is the future of bullying?”. This post will include what will potentially happen with cyberbullying, school bullying, workplace bullying and domestic bullying in the future of this ever changing world.

So, what is bullying?

There is no legal definition of bullying. But it is usually defined as repeated behaviour which is intended to hurt someone either emotionally or physically, and is often aimed at certain people because of their race, religion, gender or sexual orientation or any other aspect such as appearance or disability.

Bullying can take many forms including:

-physical assault

-social bullying

-threatening behaviour

-name calling

-cyberbullying

-domestic bullying

-workplace bullying

So, what is the future of bullying and what can be done?

I don’t have all the answers but what I can do is figure out, based on predictions, my own personal experience and research what will happen in the future for bullying.

I remember the days of going into school, being bullied by groups of girls about my weight and appearance, this eventually led me to turning to anorexia to cope; due to this I lost all my precious hair. I know first hand how devastating bullying can be from my own subjective experience. It was the best thing, looking back, that could have happened to me as it molded me into the person I am today to write this and gave me the gifts of understanding, compassion and a spiritual awakening to the truth of who I am.

  • School Bullying. Numerous studies have shown that children who are identified as ‘bullies’ at school are much more likely than others to engage in delinquent and criminal behaviours as adults. The authors of this study concluded that ‘school bullying is a strong and specific risk factor for later offending’ and ‘effective anti-bullying programmes should be promoted, and could be viewed as a form of early crime prevention.’ Schools are a breeding ground for bullies and to prevent this from happening we need to continue to raise awareness more and more about what it is and how to look out for it. We need people to speak up and tell someone about what is happening. Schools do raise awareness to a certain extent but more needs to be done. Past victims of bullying could go into schools and spend a workshop style day educating people on bullying; this should be a regular occurrence in schools.Children also need to have a safe and loving environment at home to prevent them from craving attention and falling into the category of being a bully. Bullies need to have support on how to deal with their behaviour too, we need to get to the root of the problem. Schools need more programs implemented in order to tame the bullying pandemic. Since many children are at home due to the pandemic, bullying will likely move to cyberspace which means more awareness needs to be spread on how to deal with cyberbullying.

school bullying

  • Workplace Bullying. Over time, we have seen issues of bullying, especially work bullying, greatly increase. In the 18th century bullying was not recognized as an issue and was viewed as a regular and unavoidable part of growing up. It was not until the late 19th and into the 20th century where peer-on-peer harassment was first widely recognized as not only an issue, but a major social problem that needed to be fixed. History shows that work bullying continues to increase, including, both the amount of people who are affected by bullying, and the severity of the methods being used. These aggressive behaviors are becoming more violent than ever before. Recently to address these actions, legislation began to fight against these violent behaviors through establishing new laws that prohibit bullying within workplaces. People need to raise their awareness of who they are, be taught about self-self and basic human moral principles. Workplaces need to implement more ways of detecting bullying and offering support to victims.

  • Domestic Bullying. It’s important that we realize how bullying has become so widespread in order to take measures to STOP it. We must stand up for those victims who live in fear each and every day of their lives and teach souls to treat one another with respect. We live in a world where people are different but fail to see that at the end of the day, we are all human beings. Domestic bullying can remain hidden and elusive; victims need the information and knowledge, because knowledge is power, to empower them to leave abusive relationships and stand up for themselves. Will it change? The pandemic will mean people are at home for long periods of time.. cases of domestic abuse will rise and all we can do is keep raising awareness of this kind of bullying for people to have the courage to speak up. Domestic bullying needs more coverage and to normalise pointing it out would be the next best step.

  • Cyber Bullying. There has been a major shift taking place regarding how people bully others. Many of us think face-to-face bullying is bad enough, yet perpetrators of bullying have taken it to the next level by using the internet to prey on others. Whether people are using popular social media sites, such as Facebook or YouTube, or texting and sending pictures through their mobile phones, bullies are now using technology to socially torture their victims. According to Feinberg and Robey (2008), people who are bullied through the internet may suffer more psychological harm then those who experience face-to-face bullying because, “…the hurtful information can be transmitted broadly and instantaneously and can be difficult to eliminate…” (p. 11). Because cyberbullying has become so widely used, some schools have also made laws to address how students are using the internet. Feinberg (2008) suggests that one of the steps schools can take to help this problem diminish is to incorporate cyberbullying laws into school policies that specifically address bullying behaviors. Another important aspect some schools are looking into is holding all parties surrounding each incident of bullying accountable. In the past, only the bully themselves would be punished, yet lately some schools are setting up stricter guidelines that will also hold bystanders and witnesses of bullying incidents accountable. Marty Mathiesen, Principal at Nevada Union High School, recently shocked his students by equally punishing all parties involved in a violent attack on an innocent school boy. In the locker room, at Nevada Union High School, a smaller sized boy was psychically beaten up as others sat back and videotaped and encouraged the fight (Massie, 2012). Yet, after Mathiesen got wind of this incident, he made it clear that not only the bully, but the students videotaping this fight would be reprimanded (Massie, 2012). This is exactly what all schools need to do. People who watch these violent acts are the ones fueling the fire. Holding bystanders accountable for these actions along with the bullies, may help stop incidents like these from happening at school; however, parents need to closely watch and be held accountable for what their children are doing outside of school. By understanding where the issue of bullying currently stands, along with what has already been done to help stop it, we can now try and predict what the future for bullying holds. Taking a glance over history and how bullying has progressed, it seems that this issue will continue to expand. With the new technology that is underway, along with what is currently booming, attempting to stop children from harassing others seems impossible. What makes catching these behaviors so difficult are the many venues that are used to pick on others including: email, text, chat rooms, mobile phones, mobile phone cameras, and web sites. Trying to keep up with current technology, let alone trying to identify bullying behaviors, can be very overwhelming. That said, the more that administrators go searching to find what their students are up to, the more these behaviors will be hidden. One of the unintended and unidentified consequences of trying to put pressure on kids who bully others is that they will just use other means to harass their peers. However, the future remains unknown for this area as more people are locked down in their houses. All bullies have at home is the internet, I would advice reporting any nasty messages or comments, blocking bullies and deleting these messages for mental sanity.

To conclude, it would be naive of me to say that bullying in all areas of life will completely stop. Bullying is a primal ego promoting tool that has been with us I presume since the beginning of the age of humankind. Even with the collection of programs, laws, and efforts to stop bullying, bullying will always be a major issue within our school systems and other spheres of life. However, the most important factor to help the bullying issue among adolescents and workplaces is for administrations to strictly enforce anti-bullying rules while gaining all the support they can get from the communities within those domains. With schools taking ownership of this growing problem and persistently pushing forward to make a difference, they will be moving in the right direction to help bring peace and safety back to the school yards, as for the other areas of life I cannot say. Overall, to go past the bullying era of humankind it will take a shift in consciousness towards love and connection, awareness, healing, good home environments and mentors. Keep raising the awareness and do not remain silent. Remember you are not alone.

And finally, here are some quotes to think about:

“Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“People who love themselves, don’t hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer.” – Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

Thank you for stopping by to read this guest post. Let me know in the comments what you think the future of bullying will entail..

-DiosRaw.com