Tag: retaliation

retaliation

Why Bullies Sometimes Call You “Uppity”

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Snobby group of cliquey girls with their ringleader pointing at you

Ever wonder why bullies sometimes call you “uppity?”

First, let’s examine the word, “uppity.” Uppity means arrogant, haughty, or pompous. It’s used to describe a person who thinks they are better than everyone else. However, a bully may label you “uppity, even though it isn’t who you are.

Understand that a bully’s definition of the word goes much deeper. You must look at the context in which the term is being used. Also, look at the circumstances which prompted the bully to make such a judgement of you. What would motivate a bully to refer to you as “uppity?”

Here are 3 reasons why bullies often accuse targets of being uppity:

Woman screaming and pointing an accusing finger at you

  1. The target displays confidence.

Confidence is power. When a person is confident and knows who they are, they’re least likely to allow others to control them. This is a huge threat to the bully’s power. Therefore, bullies will give targets the “uppity” label in hopes that the target will question themselves or worse, believe it, then feel guilty for it.

If the target falls for this BS and believes it, he will automatically “tone it down.” Consequently, he will unwittingly give the bullies the green light to gradually heap on more and more abuse.

Remember that a bully’s opinion of you means nothing unless you allow it to. Never buy into it! Keep your confidence no matter what!

Marginalized man putting out hands to block the fingers that are pointed at him

  1. The target refuses to comply with the bullies’ demands.

 Defiance is a huge threat to the bullies’ power. When a target refuses to comply with the bullies’ demands, mandates, or orders, he, in essence, gives the bully the middle finger. Then, he goes on doing what he wants and not what the bullies want him to do.

Ouch! This is painful to bullies. Why? Because, if the target doesn’t comply, then others just might feel emboldened not to comply. Defiance has a way of spreading and, once it spreads, the bully loses power. Bullies know this and, therefore, double down by labelling the target as uppity (among other labels).

Kids fighting with the quote, "Never fight until you have to. But when it's time to fight, you fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark... and brother, it's startin' to rain."

  1. The target defends himself.

When the target stands up for himself, this is also a threat to the bullies’ power. Why? Because the target just might put them in their place and make them look like punks. Therefore, the target takes back his power, leaving the bullies looking slack jawed and stupid. As a result, some bullies will retaliate to reinforce their dominance.

Therefore, you must keep your power. Resist the urge to comply. Push back when bullies attempt to abuse you. They may retaliate, but in you dig your heels in and continue to stand your ground, you keep your personal power, and with it, your self-esteem.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Persistence of Bullies: They Will Not Be Deterred

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In movies and television, we see scenarios where targets stand up to bullies and automatically either get left alone or become friends with their former tormentors. However, in most cases, this is not reality. Remember that bullies are relentless.

Here are the tactics bullies use when a target stands up for themselves:

If you are a target, you must realize that bullies will not relinquish their power so easily. They will not be good sports and hand your human rights back over to you, nor will they bow out of your life gracefully. Bullies have an insatiable need to wield power over another, and without that power, they feel lost.

Why? Because bullies have no redeemable qualities and they’re losers in life. And since they can’t get power by their own merit, the only way left to get it is by ruining someone else’s life.

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Make no mistake about it. When you kick unsavory people out of your life, they will do the following:

1. They will gaslight you- by adding their spin to make you look and feel like the villain and maligning you to others to destroy your good name and credibility.

2. They will lay guilt trips- by trying to convince you that you are at fault or that the abuse is your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

3. They may recruit followers and start a smear campaign- by recruiting followers to spread rumors and lies. They will also try to turn your friends against you. It happened to me many times and it would come as retaliation for my having the gall to stand up to them and assert my God-given, divine right not to be abused or taken advantage of.

dreamstime_xs_75925110

4. They will turn your friends against you- Females, although becoming more and more physically violent with time, commit much of their bullying by Dividing and Conquering- attacking the targets’ relationships to turn everyone against the target to isolate them. Think about it. The chances are that your friends know your deepest, darkest secrets. They would know the most intimate details about your life. Friends are a GOLDMINE of information to bullies.

5. They will project their shortcomings onto you– Bullies have flaws and their greatest fear is having them exposed. What better way to keep their imperfections hidden than to either project them onto the target?

6. They will distract others’ attention away from their flaws by pointing out yours– What better way is there to hide their own shortcomings than putting the spotlight on yours? It shouldn’t be so easy but it is!

dreamstime_xs_159789174

If bullies can’t control you, they will control how others see you.

They use the above strategies not only to cover their backsides and to punish you for daring to grow a spine and defend yourself, but also to close you off from any possible help or protection.

Once the target is isolated, the bullies move in for the kill. Now, they can do with you whatever they choose to do, freely and with impunity because if everyone is against you, the least likely they are to report or stop the abuse. In the minds of others, you deserve what’s happening to you.

Bullies want to, figuratively, hold the target hostage, and they will resort to any means necessary to keep him/her on emotional lock down and “in their place.”

They will do it with physical violence when exclusion, subtle digs, verbal assaults, gaslighting, and other forms of psychological abuse no longer have an impact. Bullies will commit their violence either by committing bodily harm themselves or sending someone else to do their savagery for them.

This does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself because you should. However, when you do, be prepared. The torment will get worse before it gets better. Be strong. Be brave and know that none of it is your fault.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Triumphing Over Workplace Bullying (Part 3)

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(Continued from part 2…)

Everyone knew about it, but it seemed they were afraid to report it. It was also evident that Harry and Cammie were getting fat off the embezzlement and not only those two but the administrator (Beau) too.

We secretly referred to these three ringleaders of the bully group as “The Thieving Three.” Fran, Marilyn, Misti, and Jules were their lieutenants. At the bottom of this little workplace cabal were the flying monkeys.

There were so many policy violations and illegal activities happening right under our noses. They are as follows:

1. Beau had his Winnebago RV on the property for Harry and Jules to do repairs on during work hours. Again, this was all done out in the open.

Beau knew that most were too scared to talk about it. So, why put in the extra effort to try and cover it up? He would have them work on his camper, therefore neglecting the repairs the nursing facility needed. They would also work on his car. Can you imagine how much Beau was saving on auto repairs while he ran that nursing home?

2. Fighting and Assault on Company Property.

And by the administrator himself! Beau was having an affair with another employee. When her husband found out, he came to the nursing home to confront Beau. And Beau invited him out to the parking lot to fight. And the two men got into a brutal fistfight in the parking lot, in broad daylight, in front of God and everyone. And it happened while Beau was on the clock!

After the fight was over, Beau sent word to every employee that if they uttered one word about the incident at work or outside of work, they would not only lose their jobs, but he’d make sure they didn’t work anywhere else.

3. Embezzlement.

Beau, Harry, and Cammie were robbing Shady Grove blind! Beau made off with several hundreds of thousands of dollars, as did Harry and Cammie. And they were moving up in the world quickly. They all suddenly bought new vehicles and vacation homes on the lake. They began taking lavish vacations and taking them anytime they wanted. For the professions they were working in, they were living high.

Cammie was the payroll clerk and bookkeeper of the facility. She would take the money and doctor the books to make everything look legit. Her husband Harry would clock in, fill out bogus work orders, leave for the day, then come back that night and clock back out before going home. They would also take as many days off as they wanted in a year instead of the allotted vacation time allowed.

Cammie would also make herself Power of Attorney over widowed and childless residents with no families. And she would do this by talking them into signing legal documents, agreeing to leave any assets to her and her husband once they passed away.

Cammie helped her teenage daughter get hired at the nursing home as the person who passed the snacks, juice cups, and the pitchers of ice and water around. She fixed the wages so that her daughter would make twenty dollars per hour on the job, which brings me to the next violation.

4. Nepotism.

Harry and Cammie fixed the system where her children and family got first dibs at any jobs. When the nursing home hired these family members, they would receive massive hourly wages, anywhere from double up to five times the going payments for the job.

It didn’t take long for the whisper to spread, but we had to be careful who we talked around because there were eyes and ears everywhere and increasing in numbers.
Beau, Harry, and Cammie ran the place. Right or wrong, anyone who challenged them in any way, was bullied and mobbed out! And so was anyone who slighted or stood up to any of their favorite people.

Again, Cammie increased her attacks. More and more, she’d provoke me, but I wouldn’t bite. She and the cabal instituted several smear campaigns against me and a few others, but we only doubled down in our resolve not to let them shake us.

I must tell you that it got rough at times. On a few occasions, the payroll clerk and a few CNAs threatened to catch me out and do physical harm. But it never happened, and back then, I went out all the time. I was lucky.

Although the provocations were stressful, I was able to put my hand up to her, tell her what I thought of her, then walk away.

Darnell was excellent! He was a quiet guy, yet firm when he had to be. Darnell was like me. He kept his mouth closed and observed everything that went on around him. The man was much smarter than what people took him to be. He knew what was happening, and he took care of us!

I could never have been more grateful to have such an awesome supervisor. However, this only made the bullies more desperate.

(Continued in Part 4…)

Triumphing Over Workplace Bullying (Part 2)

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Retro Emoji rage anger boiling woman face pop art retro style

(Continued from Part 1…)

In the last post, I talked about how everything started out great and that I was well-liked by almost everyone. I also mentioned the incident when I responded in kind after Candi, a CNA, caught a bad attitude. Needless to say, I found out that, right or wrong, talking down to her was a no-no because she had connections.

And over several months, one by one, many people turned against me. Luckily, several of my real friends knew how Candi was and had no respect for her. They were the people who had my back, so I can say that I did have allies who took care of me.

However, there was a clear division at Shady Grove Living Center. There was the administrator, who I’ll call *Beau, *Cammie, the payroll clerk, the department heads,*Harry (who was Cammie’s husband), one maintenance guy, whose name was *Jules, and two CNAs, *Shelly was one and *Cheryl who were two flying monkeys. On our side were my supervisor Darnell, all of my coworkers (except for one suck up), a charge nurse, and the rest of the CNAs who had my back.

At first, the bullies made false reports about me to Darnell. On the days after my shift (I worked part-time in the evening), the third shift CNAs would complain that I hadn’t stocked the linen closets on each of the halls and that they had no clean bed pads, bedsheets, nor gowns for the residents who soiled their beds during the night.

But because I always thought ahead and could easily predict what these people would do, I had made sure to pull out my cellphone and take pictures of all my finished work at the end of my shift.

Once I was done stocking the linen closets, I took photos of all the  shelves inside, chock full of freshly clean linens. I then took pictures inside all the empty barrels that were marked “dirty laundry,” before clocking out and going home. And, with the time-stamps on each image, there was no question I’d done my job.

I took pictures every night, at the end of the shift. And I had proof to show Darnell every time they lied.

When that didn’t work, the bullies only turned up the harassment, as word quickly spread throughout the nursing home that I’d taken pictures of all finished work.

In a way, it was funny because each of the linen closets was directly across from a nurse’s desk, where the bullies would sit around and gossip. And I remember overhearing them make snide remarks about my camera and my taking pictures, to which I’d only snicker and chuckle to myself.

Harry, the head of maintenance, would talk pretty ugly to me, but I knew I wasn’t the only one because many times, I’d see him talk terrible to several others- even a few who worked for the nursing home. So, I didn’t feel like the Lone Ranger.

And because I’d already been a target of bullying in school, I knew what to expect as all bullies pull pretty much the same tactics, only adult bullies are much more sophisticated with it. Therefore, I was able to prepare, stay a few steps ahead, and outflank them.

During this time, I began to witness a couple of the bullies in this workplace clique commit a few illegal activities. On one instance, I worked a double shift to cover for a coworker who was sick.

Early one Saturday morning, I saw with my own eyes Harry walk into the back door of the nursing home, dressed in camouflage and his bright orange hunting vest. He crept down the hall past the laundry room, then stopped at the time clock and clocked in. Harry then filled out a bogus work order, then left.

He didn’t return until late that evening to clock out and leave again. I’ll never forget the look on his mug when he saw me sitting outside on my last break as he drove by in his shiny new pickup. And when I told a trusted friend at work a day or two later about what I’d seen, she wasn’t at all surprised.

“Girl! He’s been clocking out and going home on the weekends since I’ve been here! And I’ll tell you something else,” *Brenda told me, “Cammie’s been embezzling from this facility, and she’s been ripping off some of the residents who don’t have families- weaseling them into signing papers to leave their assets to her when they leave this world!”

I felt my eyes pop out of my head as Brenda gave me an ear full!

(Continued in Part 3…)

6 Ways Bullies Gaslight Their Targets (Part 2)

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(…Continued from Part 1)

You already know the first three ways bullies use gaslighting. Here are more of their evil tactics and what you can do to keep your self-esteem intact.

4. Isolating the Target (Divide and Conquer)
Bullies often force their targets into isolation through social aggression (spreading rumors and lies about the person or intimidating his/her associates).

In doing this, bullies strategically turn the target’s friends and associates against them to cut him/her off from any support or protection they might otherwise receive. Once the subject is isolated, the bullies then move in for the kill and take the bullying to new heights.

If the target expresses the desire to change schools or workplaces, the bullies may try to discourage him/her by convincing them that they won’t be treated any better in the new environment or attempting to block the targets’ transfer and cut off any means of escape.

5. Bullies Make Themselves Out to be Superior and Cunningly Convince the Target that he/she needs them to get along.
Bullies slyly force their target to believe he/she somehow needs their approval. If the bullies can make the target dependent on them, their power and control only increase.

Bullies do this by convincing to target that they (the bullies) are the only ones who can better his/her (the target’s) situation- that only through them (the bullies) will the person be able to make friends and enjoy positive relationships! And only with their (the bullies’) permission will the target find happiness and fulfillment.

Also, bullies make the target believe that they must submit to their every whim and wish, no matter how demeaning, before they grant him/her relief from the attacks. But understand that bullies will never leave you alone! It’s is only another tactic to assert domination!

6. Empty Promises

“If you do this, I’ll go away quietly and leave you alone.”
“If you do that, I’ll be your friend.”
“If you’d only do XYZ, I’ll make things easier for you.”

Don’t buy any of it! You can never appease a bully. They will never go away or stop the harassment. They only make empty promises to keep you under their control. Understand that bullies have an insatiable appetite for power, control, and destruction.

They are like bottomless pits, and no matter what you do to please them, they’ll only continue or increase the torment. You must realize that no amount of bullying is ever enough for a bully. Bullies are power and drama addicts, and harassment of their targets is like a drug to them. They can never get enough! Bullies always come back for more! In short, they become drunk on their own power.

The only way to stop a bully is to either use reverse psychology, put the fear of God into him/her by calling them out publicly, or go no contact if you can. If you can’t, then use the first two suggestions. It may or may not work, but keep it up. Because if you just clam up and say nothing, you’ll feel terrible about yourself later.

There are two things bullies fear most. Losing face and losing power, which would only come from having their evil exposed and and with the target ceasing to care what they say and think altogether. NOTE: When you stop caring (which can only happen after you see the bullies for the pathetic souls they really are), it’ll be so much easier to come back with a witty, one-line counter-dig and keep walking.

Another important note: DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Write it all down in detail to keep records of this kind of stuff! You may need it!!!!!!

Jot down what happened (in detail), including date and time it happened, where it happened, who the bullies are, names of any bystanders, teachers, supervisors, etc., and if possible, why it happened (was it retaliation?)! EVERYTHING!

Find ways to expose bullies and reclaim your power.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

6 Ways Bullies Gaslight Their Targets

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blame accuse pointing finger

Gaslight- to manipulate someone by psychological means into doubting their sanity.

Remember that bullying is all about domination and control. Once the bully selects a target and begins their reign of terror over the chosen victim, they will do everything possible to maintain that dominance. Also, understand that bullies get a huge psychological payoff at the victim’s expense. Abusing their targets gives bullies a rush of power and a sense of authority and control.

If there is a culture of bullying at a school, workplace, or community, bullies are also rewarded with attention, high social status and promotions from others while the target suffers the opposite. And a bully will fight like crazy to keep those benefits should the target speak out and shed light on the behavior.

Once the target sees the behavior for what it is and begins to assert their right to be treated fairly, bullies will become angry and afraid. They will see the target as a threat to their power and increase the harassment to subdue, silence and punish the person.

Seasoned bullies maintain power by emotionally abusing, brainwashing, and psychological abuse to disempower the target and make themselves seem bigger and better than what they are. They use these methods because psycho/emotional bullying leaves no physical evidence and is much easier to deny.

They do this by convincing their target (and everyone else) that he/she is defective or no good, thereby stripping the target’s confidence and self-esteem.

Here are ways bullies gaslight their targets:

1. Persistent lying
Bullies tell vague lies and trying to convince you that you are mentally unstable, less than, deserving of the mistreatment, or that you’re somehow defective. Bullies will make statements to others such as,

toxic brainwashing

“He’s a waste of space, and he needs to realize it already!”

“She’s such an embarrassment! How does she even show her face in public every day?”

“Who gives a #$% about his feelings! He doesn’t matter!”

“She brought it all on herself!”

Bullies will also tell their targets things like:

“What are you smiling about? Nobody likes you! Remember?”

“I’m not bullying you! You’re just over-reacting!”

Displeased woman looking at her growing nose and trying to stop it with her finger isolated on white background

“You’re just being (paranoid, overly sensitive, a crybaby, etc.)! You need help!”

“Nobody’s mistreating you! You’re just playing the victim to look innocent to everyone else!

“You think you’re (smart, pretty, cute, tough, cool, etc.), don’t’ you! You’re nothing!”

“You’re so (arrogant, retarded, crazy, ugly, fat, skinny, etc.) nobody believes a word you say!”

I could go on and on.

Bullies deliberately repeat these lies over and over again and for a long time to convince the target that they are right. Understand that this constant repetition has a purpose! To instill insecurity in the victim, wear them down and force him/her to resign themselves and acquiesce.

It serves to brainwash the target and force him/her to believe the bully’s lies. As a result, the target becomes riddled with confusion, social anxiety and shame. Eventually, the person loses the ability to counter the attacks

You must realize that this is the bully’s strategy to render control and keep the target under their control and from rebelling against the abuse.

2. Wearing the Target Down and forcing him/her to agree with them.
Bullies continue to put the target down and marginalize them until he/she is so tired or afraid of defending against them that the person shuts down, grows numb to the abuse and surrenders to the bullies.

Bullying, friendship and people concept. Girl patronizing screaming pointing finger at shy timid nerdy woman who is looking down

3. Become Highly Aggressive When the Target Calls Out the Abuse
Bullies may try to maintain their power by intensifying and escalating the attacks in addition to blaming and shaming the target. Understand that this is designed to subdue and further subjugate the person by intimidation and to force him/her into silence and submission. It also allows the bully to escape accountability and to have a green light for continued and future attacks.

(More to come in Part 2…)

4 Things Bullies and Abusers Do When You Finally Speak Out About Their Abuse

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If you’re a survivor of bullying and abuse and you finally begin speaking out about your bullies and their abusive behavior, you instantly put them on high alert. You put them in defense mode, and they will do one, some, or all of four things:

1. Lash out at you. This is, perhaps, the most revealing. Many bullies and abusers will go into a tirade. They’ll scream and yell at you, they’ll curse you out and call you the ugliest names- everything but a child of God. I know it’s difficult to do, but don’t panic and don’t be afraid.

See it for what it is- you just forced them to reveal their true colors because when your bullies (or former bullies) attack you by getting enraged and flying off the handle, that’s when you know you’ve busted them. Or, more appropriately, you’ve forced them to bust themselves! Yay for you!

2. Deny their abuse, and sometimes to your face. Lots of times, bullies and abusers may confront you either calmly or aggressively, claiming they never bullied or mistreated you. They may even through out subtle hints that you must’ve misinterpreted them or that you “have everything misconstrued.” Again, no matter how calmly or subtly they do it, this is gaslighting and it speaks volumes about their character.

3. Defame you. The second you see their bullying and abuse for what it is and call it out, is the second bullies and abusers lose control over you. If these people can no longer control you, they will control your image in the eyes of others. And they will tell everyone who will listen what a lowdown piece of garbage you are.

But, as difficult as it may be, don’t let it phase you. Realize that they’re panicking and in a mad rush to do some damage control because they’re afraid that word about their true nature just might get around and cause them to lose face.

Most of the time, your former bullies and abusers will tell others that you’re “crazy” and that you’re having some sort of mental episode. Again, they’re only revealing their true colors because if you weren’t telling the truth, they wouldn’t care and wouldn’t react so desperately. So, always see this as an admission of guilt.

4. Avoid you. These types won’t bother you. Instead, they’ll avoid you like the plague because they’re scared. Understand that this is the best outcome because if they’re avoiding you, you don’t have to worry about them abusing and bullying you again. Why? Because they know they’ve been found out and that word of their abuse is already very quickly circulating.

So, the last thing they want is to do anything that has even a scant possibility of making them look guilty because they fear their reputations are already on shaky ground. Although these people are cowards, they’re making the smartest move by simply staying away from you and avoiding even mentioning your name.

However, be advised that not all people who avoid you will stay away from you for long, they may avoid you long enough to defame you to others or they just might be secretly plotting revenge against you for daring to open your mouth. Different bullies and abusers react in different ways and may use any or all four of the above defensive measures.

You must realize that bullies and abusers, even those who are formerly so, count on your silence and they detest, or more appropriately, fear being exposed. Exposure is the worst thing that could happen to them because they risk losing respect in the community and other people seeing them for the monsters they are.

Bullies make everything about appearances and when you will back the curtain, you make liars and hypocrites out of them.

So, naturally, they’re going to either attack you, avoid you, or both. They may make statements such as:

“Well, we were just kids then.”

“But that’s all water under the bridge.”

“Just let bygones be bygones.”

Or

”Just let sleeping dogs lie.”

They may tell you to “get over it” or accuse you of bringing up old stuff. Understand that any time people make these statements, their main goal is to shut you up.

But they have other objectives as well:

1. To minimize their past brutality and the impact it all had on you

2. To make you look like a whiner who just can’t “let the past go.”

3. To cover their backsides and minimize any dents to their reputations or any backlash they might receive.

Again, don’t be afraid. Instead, see it as they’re unwittingly revealing themselves and let them go at it. Let them launch their personal attacks.

Before I close, I’d like to make another huge point: When you speak out about your bullies and their abuse, you force them to explain themselves. Anyone who must explain and justify themselves or their behavior is never in a powerful position.

So, in forcing your bullies to explain themselves you instantly snatch them out of their position of power and move them into a vulnerable position. In other words, you automatically turn the tables and leave the bullies in a very helpless and subordinate place. In short, you strip them of power. Ouch!

In forcing the bully to explain their past or present behavior, you instantly remove their “authority”- their power because neither power nor authority ever explains itself. It doesn’t have to.

Hence the reason bullies despise even the thought of having to give explanations because it puts them in a weak and subordinate position.

No wonder bullies get crazy when you out them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

6 Tactics Toxic People Use When You Finally Kick Them Out of Your Life

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In movies and television, we see scenarios where targets stand up to bullies and automatically either get left alone or become friends with their former tormentors. However, in most cases, this is not reality. Remember that bullies are relentless.

Here are the tactics bullies use when a target stands up for themselves:

If you are a target, you must realize that bullies will not relinquish their power so easily. They will not be good sports and hand your human rights back over to you, nor will they bow out of your life gracefully. Bullies have an insatiable need to wield power over another, and without that power, they feel lost.

Why? Because bullies have no redeemable qualities and they’re losers in life. And since they can’t get power by their own merit, the only way left to get it is by ruining someone else’s life.

dreamstime_xs_11945657

Make no mistake about it. When you kick unsavory people out of your life, they will do the following:

1. They will gaslight you- by adding their spin to make you look and feel like the villain and maligning you to others to destroy your good name and credibility.

2. They will lay guilt trips- by trying to convince you that you are at fault or that the abuse is your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

3. They may recruit followers and start a smear campaign- by recruiting followers to spread rumors and lies. They will also try to turn your friends against you. It happened to me many times and it would come as retaliation for my having the gall to stand up to them and assert my God-given, divine right not to be abused or taken advantage of.

dreamstime_xs_75925110

4. They will turn your friends against you- Females, although becoming more and more physically violent with time, commit much of their bullying by Dividing and Conquering- attacking the targets’ relationships to turn everyone against the target to isolate them. Think about it. The chances are that your friends know your deepest, darkest secrets. They would know the most intimate details about your life. Friends are a GOLDMINE of information to bullies.

5. They will project their shortcomings onto you– Bullies have flaws and their greatest fear is having them exposed. What better way to keep their imperfections hidden than to either project them onto the target?

6. They will distract others’ attention away from their flaws by pointing out yours– What better way is there to hide their own shortcomings than putting the spotlight on yours? It shouldn’t be so easy but it is!

dreamstime_xs_159789174

If bullies can’t control you, they will control how others see you.

They use the above strategies not only to cover their backsides and to punish you for daring to grow a spine and defend yourself, but also to close you off from any possible help or protection.

Once the target is isolated, the bullies move in for the kill. Now, they can do with you whatever they choose to do, freely and with impunity because if everyone is against you, the least likely they are to report or stop the abuse. In the minds of others, you deserve what’s happening to you.

Bullies want to, figuratively, hold the target hostage, and they will resort to any means necessary to keep him/her on emotional lock down and “in their place.”

They will do it with physical violence when exclusion, subtle digs, verbal assaults, gaslighting, and other forms of psychological abuse no longer have an impact. Bullies will commit their violence either by committing bodily harm themselves or sending someone else to do their savagery for them.

This does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself because you should. However, when you do, be prepared. The torment will get worse before it gets better. Be strong. Be brave and know that none of it is your fault.
The more you know.

Targets of Bullying: Don’t Be Shocked If the School Doesn’t Help You

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blind eye deaf ear denial

Schools are supposed to protect children. And some schools do help targets of bullying. I’ve read quite a few stories with this happy ending and to those schools, I extend my love and respect.

However, I’ve also read and heard stories in which the school either failed or refused to help the victim and only sided with the bullies and I also found this out years ago from experience. And sadly, this ending is much more common than the first.

Therefore, if you are an object of bullying at your school, do take the proper channels to address the problem and get it solved. Report the bullying to the teacher, principal, or district.

But if the school does nothing about it, sweeps it under the rug, or worse, blames you, don’t be surprised. And don’t be surprised if you face retaliation not only from the bullies but from school staff and officials as well.

deaf ear

Understand that in these cases where the school doesn’t act on your behalf, it is because the school district is only interested in the sports programs, how many points an athlete can score for their school team, getting their football team into the playoffs, and how many kids they can send to colleges.

Another thing to consider is that school bullies likely have connections with several local politicians and other high-ranking officials. Also, many bullies who excel academically or are star athletes make the school look good and are least likely to be held accountable.

And seasoned bullies tend to be exceptionally socially intelligent and know how to ingratiate themselves into the good graces of teachers and school staff. They are also wordsmiths who are experts at feigning victimhood, explaining everything away, and rationalizing their bad behavior, which often makes the target look like the bully.

So, these are a few things to consider should you find yourself a target, report the bullying and the school fail to respond to your pleas for help.

But don’t give up. Remember. You are worth fighting for! You are worth living for!

What School Bullies Really Want to Say to Targets Who Stand Up to Them (Part 3)

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Jealous Girls taking behind her back

(Continued from Part 3…)

Here are more ways we bullies assert and reinforce control over targets who step out of line.

3. We spread rumors and lies about the target. That’s right! We’ll demonize him. And he won’t even know about it until it’s too late and enough people are itching to take him apart. We’ll sow discord between him and all the other classmates. Hell! Even the teachers! We’ll make him public enemy number one!

Get this straight. All we have to do to demonize our target is to throw around a few offhand remarks and loaded words.

‘You see? We’ve been best friends since kindergarten, and some of us since we were babies. We are a family. We keep each other’s darkest secrets and fiercely protect each other, which means we cover each other’s butts.

Our parents know each other, and we have connections to quite a few city officials and local big shots. Everyone knows us and they love us- very much! We’re in cahoots with the right people and they tell us everything.

bullying bullied

Nothing is private. Not in this school and not in this town. This high school is our kingdom. And it’s crawling with lackeys, suck-ups, and wannabes. These people straddle the fence and they’re the ones he’ll least expect.

And he messed with one of us, so he messed with all of us!

4. Make him do degrading things with the promise of acceptance and inclusion. By this time, we’ll have him so rejected, alone and alienated that he’ll sell his soul to the devil just to get a crumb of acceptance. So, why not give him something to strive toward? Make him do something stupid. And trust us, we’re creative! We’re inventive!

We’ll think of something so humiliating and degrading! We’ll set him up to look pathetic, and we’ll film it for the entire free world to see. And he’ll never be able to get away from it.

We’ll also set him up to get in trouble with the principal by baiting him into a few fights. We’ll get in his face. One of us might even throw the first punch and force him to hit back, and then we’ve got him. We’ll all band together and say he started it, cook up a good story, and he’ll be the one blamed.

And what will be the icing on the cake is that after everyone finishes blaming and punishing the target, they’ll give us sympathy for being victimized by such a monster.

bullying ridicule

That’s just life at the high school. Some matter and some don’t. And if a target tries to defend himself, he’s just defensive, a whiner, or he’s crazy.
But those rules don’t apply to us because we can do no wrong. Remember. We’re royals. And the double-standards we held our target to are beneficial to us. Don’t be surprised and don’t catch an attitude. You’d do the same thing if you were one of us.

5. We fantasize about the target transferring to another school or, even better, killing himself. Seriously, we do. But then again, we really don’t want that because, if he did either one, all the fun would end and it would be game over. We need our target to stick around so that we can continue getting our jollies and free entertainment.

We prefer to make things worse on our target slowly and gradually and drag it out for as long as possible. We’ll enjoy watching him withdraw from everyone, lose his appetite, lose weight, get sick, and shake from nervousness. And we know he will snap sooner or later.

We may be high school kids, but we’re far from stupid. We learned the laws of human nature early. How do you think we got so darned popular with kids and adults alike and rose to the top of the social totem pole? We knew the rules of the social game long before most people knew how to use the bathroom by themselves!

bullied snapped driven crazy

We also know that no one can keep that kind of pressure stuffed down inside forever. It’s impossible. Eventually, the target will explode. It always works better that way. And when he does blow up, we can only hope he does it in front of an audience.

We’re already building a case against the target. We can pick out small incidents, take them out of context, and spin them to make it bigger. We can craft a pattern out of them and make it look like evidence that is so damning.

Sure. Like, love and attractiveness are all subjective, but the system and social dynamic are rigged in our favor.

6. We would love nothing more than to beat the ever-loving crap out of our target but don’t want to risk getting caught. We’re too smart to do something so obvious and we don’t want to get our hands dirty. We’d much rather pick the creep apart in front of everyone and use his words against him. His intentions don’t matter. A screw-up is a screw-up and we’ll stick it to him. We’ll do it under the guise of friendly advice, the stealthier way to attack.

7. Pit what friends the target has against him. If we can’t turn his friends against him any other way, we’ll attack them too. We’ll accuse his friend of being in on the target’s little rebellion. Why should we do the dirty work ourselves when we have peer pressure on our side?

shame humiliate banish

His friends will then blame him for dragging them into it and causing them to become targets. They won’t care to hear any explanations or justifications. They’ll just want their lives back and they’ll ostracize and gang up on him to make that happen. Cause and effect is such a beautiful thing! Why not use it to your advantage?

8. Send henchmen to commit our violence for us. As much as we’d love to beat the target’s brains out with our bare hands, we’re too smart to get blood on our hands. In fact, we won’t even be there.

bullying fighting physical

We’ll just send some roughneck or a group of them to kick his tail for us. And why not? We’re the kings and queens of the school. Offer the right incentives and we can get anybody to do anything we want them to do.

Even better, we’ll get the toughest guy with the worst reputation and put a bug in his ear. We’ll make him think that the target is trying to put the moves on his girl. Then we won’t have to offer him anything in return.

It won’t matter what the truth is or whether the target even knows the girl. Because we have all the power, connections and trust, just our names and our word is golden.

The target gets his head kicked in and gets a ride in an ambulance. We fade into the woodwork. And if things get too hairy, we just let the tough guy take the fall! And if tough-guy tells the cops that we put him up to it, do you think they’ll believe him?

Brilliant, huh?

What School Bullies Really Want to Say to Targets Who Stand Up to Them (Part 2)

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clique bullying

(Continued from Part 1…)

So, how do we make our target submit?

Here’s how:

We make the little rebel’s life a living hell and use him as an example to the rest of the student body. But we can’t make it too visible. We must be cunning and covert! Our attacks must be deniable.

We’ll do this to teach this punk a lesson show him who’s boss while letting the other schoolmates know that this will happen to them if they dare get out of their places. You call it tit-for-tat, we call it high school justice.

Maybe you think that we don’t know we’re bullies. Well…you poor, clueless thing, you! Newsflash! We know we’re bullies. We know we’re bitches and assholes. We know we’re hell on wheels. And ya know what else? We’re damn PROUD of it!

Why? Because it’s cool to be cruel! Sorry. That’s reality and you can either deal with it or continue to be a hero and get treated worse!

But the higher up on the social hierarchy we are, the more brutal we are, the more brazen we are, the more desperate we are, and the harder we’ll fight to keep the popularity, the attention, the favor, the having our butts kissed, and the social status we so enjoy.

You need to realize that the positions we hold and the friends and followers we have give us special treatment, rewards, and liberties that nobody else can get. And the power we have is too delicious to give up. Outside of our group, our high social status, and this school, we have nothing!

So, if this little geek thinks he’s going to man up and punk us out in front of the entire school, then we’re going to give him both barrels!

In this power struggle, we have an arsenal of power, reputation, connections, and favor. And we’ll use them all to bury this freak

bully bullies arrogant

Arrogant young Caucasian man with three female admirers

Here are some tricks we’ve mastered:

1. We hold the target down. It takes a long time to isolate a target. But we have the patience of Job. And we’ll get our kicks out of watching him suffer! He thinks he can win friends and respect? He thinks he’s cool? He thinks he’s better than us? Not in this lifetime! We decide who talks to who, who makes friends and when they do.

And we can kill any opportunity to make friends, get a date and even turn the teachers, coaches, and other staff against him if we so desire.

We can shut him up by ridiculing him every time he speaks or answers questions in class- even if he gets the answers correct. And if he gets the right answers and the teacher praises him for it, it’ll only further piss us off, and we’ll turn up the heat on his butt!

We’ll shame him by calling him a nerd or a bookworm. We’ll accuse him of being an arrogant know-it-all and being full of himself! By the time we’re through with him, he’ll be too afraid to open his smart mouth!

We can exclude him from school clubs, from ballgames, school dances, proms, and other school functions.

We’ll control his emotions. He won’t get any enjoyment at school unless we say so. We can make sure he does nowhere but down, then leave him to rot in his own loneliness and misery. We’ll make sure he’s stuck on the bottom of the pecking order and never moves up.

We’ll dim his shine, strip him of any confidence, change his smug attitude, and make him loathe himself! We’ll make him trash!

bullied target isolated excluded

Why Bullies Love to Isolate Their Victims

2. We isolate the target. He crossed us- that makes him a leper as far as anyone else is concerned. Does he really think anyone will stand by him? Sure, other kids in the student body may hate us because they can’t be us, but they fear us! They may talk smack about how they’d stand up to us, but talk’s cheap.

Oh, yeah! The other folks talk the talk. But we know that when the time comes to walk the walk, they’ll only tuck their tails between their legs and run. They’ll leave the little wuss to fend for himself. They’ll know better than to piss us off because they know that we have the power to make their lives just as hard as we made his (the target’s).

Nobody wants to be next on our hit list, and we don’t blame them! It isn’t their problem, and they don’t want to end up down in the basement with him (the target).

So, what’s he going to do about it? If he does manage to scrounge up a few friends, they’ll be the few no-counts who are just as desperate as he is, and they’ll hang with him only because they have no other options themselves, which gives us another juicy idea – Hmmm! Perhaps if we pretend to like and accept those other losers, they’ll throw his sorry butt under the bus too! Then what friends will he have?

Just as there are people who fight to be on top, there are also those who struggle just as hard to stay off the bottom.

Oh, the other losers may feel sorry for the target, but they need us to leave them alone and not to make them bigger laughing stocks than they already are. What few friends he has? They aren’t stupid. Anyone would be a fool to have a dog in this fight!

bully bullying narcissist

A selfish man walks the heads of people as on the steps to the highest post behind the crown. Conceptual scene is a narcissistic and selfish person

At this school, we are royalty! We’re the top dogs. If anyone else wants to be safe, they need our permission. The target’s friends don’t want us to make things any harder than what we already do. And they know that if at any time some blockhead is dumb enough to piss us off, we take no prisoners!

So, even his friends will turn a blind eye. They won’t be so stupid as to have his back. And if he shoots his mouth off to them or anyone else about any of us, many of them will report back to us for these reasons:

a. To get on our good side
b. In hopes that we’ll accept them
c. To stay off our hate-radar

And if we grill the target’s friends with questions about him, they’ll tell us anything they think we want to hear and they more than likely know all his deepest, darkest secrets!

Maybe these friends will know we’re only using them to get the deets from them, and maybe they won’t, but either way, it won’t matter. The only thing that will matter to them is keeping us satisfied, and keeping their butts off our hit list.

Do you see where we’re going with this? The fix is in. If the target continues to grow a pair and push back against us, the other students will stay wayyyy away from him to keep from arousing our wrath. And no matter how strong he thinks he is, he won’t be able to handle that for very long.

(More in Part 3…)

What School Bullies Really Want to Say to Targets Who Stand Up to Them

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Stop bullying

We warned you! We warned you not to rock the boat. We told you not to make waves. We made it clear that your place was beneath us and that you should take our abuse without question and without refusing.

But what did you do? You just had to push it! ‘Had to get uppity! ‘Had to be a hero and challenge our authority! ‘You want to make trouble? ‘You want to diss us? ‘Grow some spine and step up to us?

Now, because of you, there’s a risk that everyone in the student body will doubt and question our power!

What would you do if someone on a lower level than you just up and got some guts, and challenged you by fighting back? ‘Caused you embarrassment and made you look like a punk in front of everybody?

Yeah, yeah! Teachers may advise us to just “let it go” or “overlook it!” But this is personal, and there’s no coming back from it!

Do you really think you won any respect by clapping back at us? Uh-uh! Nope! What you did was start a war!

Don’t talk to us about right or wrong! Don’t speak to us about fairness! Because right and wrong, just don’t come into it! And fairness is a fairytale for babies!

no bullying stop

We’re going to teach you that there’s a social order in this place! And there’s a certain way things are done around here! You’ve forgotten who you are, and you need to be taught that some people matter, and some don’t! Some people can, and some can’t!

Don’t say a word because you’d feel the same way we do!

“This loser doesn’t know his place! He’s forgotten who he is! ‘Gotten too big for his britches and too smart for his own good! He don’t know when to leave well enough alone!”

“He’s gotten too cocky, too sure of himself, too bold and too arrogant! In short, he’s become a threat to our positions at the top of the social totem pole! And threats must be contained!”

bully narcissist narcissistic narcissism

During the Medieval period, anyone who disrespected any member of a royal family would be dragged off to the guillotine. And the remaining peasants would know that they would be next if they even mentioned the troublemaker’s name.

The “Divine Right of Kings” rule still stands today, in this school.

Kids in our positions are allowed to beat our chests and throw our weight around freely and with impunity. It’s okay for us to abuse anyone we deem unworthy of humane treatment. If you were any one of us, you’d think,

bullying

“But (target’s name)! Who the hell does that freak think he is! Because he opened his smart mouth and dissed us, now all the losers may rise up and demand their rights to equal treatment, as if allowing them to get through a single day without getting their brains beat in isn’t enough! Shoot! They should be down on their knees, thanking us for not making things worse for them!”

“Losers like him (the target) report you to the principal and get you in trouble, even with your parents! They join anti-bullying groups and get involved in anti-bullying programs at school! Shyeah! Like that’s gonna help them any! And don’t EVEN get me started on those groups! They’re always looking for publicity!”

“They even write journals, publish books, and post on their blogs, calling you and your friends out on things you’d rather people inside or outside the school not find out!”

So, with the bullying awareness movement (Ugh! What a joke!) that’s sweeping the globe, surveillance and since virtually everyone has a smartphone with a camera, how can bullies at the top, like us, punish our target without further exposure and the risk of getting kicked out of school and ruining our prospects for college? How can we reinforce our dominance over this creep, and make him cave in and bow down to us?

(I’ll tell you how bullies do it in Part 2)

Determined Bullies: Why They Hate It When You Counter Their Attacks

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It’s because any time you counter a bully, not only do you restore your self-esteem, but you also restore the balance of power. In other words, you take back your personal power, the very thing your bullies are trying to take away from you.

This puts bullies in panic mode because they feel that if they lose power over the target, they’ll then lose power over everyone and everything. To further break this down, the bullies are afraid they will lose face, and with that, they will lose respect, credibility, allies, and support. Then, they will become the bullied.

Bullies have an obsessive fear of going from hunters to the hunted. And why not? You aren’t the only person they’ve bullied. There were many others before you and bullies know all too well that most normal people hate people like them, and love to see them get what’s coming to them.

Everyone loves to see a bully get brought down and once a bully is brought down, no one will ever allow them to get up again, to put it figuratively.

This is why bullies will pull out all the stops to keep their targets under their control. If the bullies cannot control their targets, they control nothing. Most people are still under the presumption that targets are weak and if a bully can no longer dominate the target others will see that and the bully will be at everyone else’s mercy.

Others will look at the failed bully and think, “Wow! If he can’t handle a wimp like him (the target) then he really couldn’t handle me! This is a juicy opportunity! I can punk this creep out so easily!”

The bully then becomes the new man on the bottom. Gasp! Because if you can’t overpower the person who’s deemed the weakest link in the bunch, then you become the new weakest link! Ouch! Talk about a humbling situation!

Therefore, the bully retaliates against the target for daring to stand their ground and assert their basic rights, the target counters again, and the bully only hates the target that much more. And with each provocation from the bully and each counter the target delivers- each wise crack, each sarcastic comeback, each clever witticism the target returns, the more determined the bully is to tip the scales of power back in his favor and save face.

With the target’s counter jab comes pain and humiliation for the bully and the human reflex is always to punish or eliminate the cause of that pain and humiliation. And the punishment can come in psychological or physical form.

When a target stands up to a bully, the bully feels stripped of power because the target just upset that power imbalance and took back her power. Therefore, the bully retaliates to restore the power imbalance and retake the target’s personal power.

In cases like these, targets have two choices, either keep fighting back with counterattacks or give up and feel even worse about themselves later. And most targets who’ve had enough will keep fighting until the bully gives up and leaves them alone.

And I would encourage them to do so because, eventually, bullies will give up after being humiliated so many times, then they’ll slink off with their tails between their legs and find another person to dominate. Remember that bullies must always have a victim. It’s sad and pathetic but it’s true. But all you should concern yourself with at this point is that they leave you alone. Then later, once you heal and recover from the exchange, you can help the new target.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Here Are Some Ways Bullies Gaslight Their Targets

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blame accuse pointing finger

Gaslight- to manipulate someone by psychological means into doubting their sanity.

Remember that bullying is all about domination and control. Once the bully selects a target and begins their reign of terror over the chosen victim, they will do everything possible to maintain that dominance. Also, understand that bullies get a huge psychological payoff at the victim’s expense. Abusing their targets gives bullies a rush of power and a sense of authority and control.

If there is a culture of bullying at a school, workplace, or community, bullies are also rewarded with attention, high social status and promotions from others while the target suffers the opposite. And a bully will fight like crazy to keep those benefits should the target speak out and shed light on the behavior.

Once the target sees the behavior for what it is and begins to assert their right to be treated fairly, bullies will become angry and afraid. They will see the target as a threat to their power and increase the harassment to subdue, silence and punish the person.

Seasoned bullies maintain power by emotionally abusing, brainwashing, and psychological abuse to disempower the target and make themselves seem bigger and better than what they are. They use these methods because psycho/emotional bullying leaves no physical evidence and is much easier to deny.

They do this by convincing their target (and everyone else) that he/she is defective or no good, thereby stripping the target’s confidence and self-esteem.

Here are ways bullies gaslight their targets:

1. Persistent lying
Bullies tell vague lies and trying to convince you that you are mentally unstable, less than, deserving of the mistreatment, or that you’re somehow defective. Bullies will make statements to others such as,

toxic brainwashing

“He’s a waste of space, and he needs to realize it already!”

“She’s such an embarrassment! How does she even show her face in public every day?”

“Who gives a #$% about his feelings! He doesn’t matter!”

“She brought it all on herself!”

Bullies will also tell their targets things like:

“What are you smiling about? Nobody likes you! Remember?”

“I’m not bullying you! You’re just over-reacting!”

Displeased woman looking at her growing nose and trying to stop it with her finger isolated on white background

“You’re just being (paranoid, overly sensitive, a crybaby, etc.)! You need help!”

“Nobody’s mistreating you! You’re just playing the victim to look innocent to everyone else!

“You think you’re (smart, pretty, cute, tough, cool, etc.), don’t’ you! You’re nothing!”

“You’re so (arrogant, retarded, crazy, ugly, fat, skinny, etc.) nobody believes a word you say!”

I could go on and on.

Bullies deliberately repeat these lies over and over again and for a long time to convince the target that they are right. Understand that this constant repetition has a purpose! To instill insecurity in the victim, wear them down and force him/her to resign themselves and acquiesce.

It serves to brainwash the target and force him/her to believe the bully’s lies. As a result, the target becomes riddled with confusion, social anxiety and shame. Eventually, the person loses the ability to counter the attacks

You must realize that this is the bully’s strategy to render control and keep the target under their control and from rebelling against the abuse.

2. Wearing the Target Down and forcing him/her to agree with them.
Bullies continue to put the target down and marginalize them until he/she is so tired or afraid of defending against them that the person shuts down, grows numb to the abuse and surrenders to the bullies.

Bullying, friendship and people concept. Girl patronizing screaming pointing finger at shy timid nerdy woman who is looking down

3. Become Highly Aggressive When the Target Calls Out the Abuse
Bullies may try to maintain their power by intensifying and escalating the attacks in addition to blaming and shaming the target. Understand that this is designed to subdue and further subjugate the person by intimidation and to force him/her into silence and submission. It also allows the bully to escape accountability and to have a green light for continued and future attacks.

(More to come in Part 2…)

Bullying and Competition

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Bullies hate competition, especially when it’s their target or any person they deem inferior who bring the competition. Oooo! Talk about a blow to the bully’s ego. Ouch!

Understand that any successes or accomplishment achieved by the target is seen by bullies as a threat to their superiority because the bullies’ sense of self-worth is drawn from a sense of winning over and one-upmanship.

Therefore, if the target makes a huge accomplishment or wins any kind of award or prize, bullies will see it as competition with them. As a result, the bullies will escalate the bullying to punish the target for the success.

Bullies will get angry and say things like:

“You think you’re (smarter, better) than us…”

“You think you’re (smart, pretty, badass, hot stuff, god’s gift to the world, etc.)”

I’ve come to realize that any time a bully makes any statement that begins with, “You think you’re…,” it means jealousy, anger, or resentment of the target for a success or desirable characteristic or quality the target has. No more, no less. Always!

Understand that those three little words can say so much.