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Coercive Control: The Top 5 Signs and How to Escape It

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Do you want to know what coercive control looks like? These are the signs you must watch for if you want to stand against it or make your escape.

coercive control

Coercive control is harmful as it strips it’s victim of freedom and autonomy. As one who has experienced this in the past, I’m giving you all the signs to look out for. These are characteristics that I and many others have seen firsthand, time and time again.

You will learn the exact indicators so that you can decide early on the best recourse to take your personal power back.

After you learn about all these characteristics of it, you will better be able to take back control of your life and protect yourself from any future coercion.

This post is all about the signs of coercive control that every empathetic person with high integrity should know.

Signs of Coercive control

Before we go further, we must know that coercive control happens in all aspects of life. We most often hear of it running rampant between romantic partners and spouses.

Although true, coercive control also happens in school and on the job as well. Moreover, it is the main ingredient of school and workplace bullying and mobbing.

With that said, the first step in getting out of any controlling situation is to know the signs and what it looks like. Here are the signs.

Coercive control consists of behavior patterns that terrorize, punish, and harm its victims.

1. Ultimatums.

Ultimatums are the number one, most obvious sign of coercive control. They always include threats of some form of loss or harm to the victim. Moreover, they are meant to induce terror in victims and slowly chip away their confidence and self-esteem. Bullies use ultimatums to condition victims that they have no other choice but to obey.

Therefore, the goal of an ultimatum is to force the victim’s hand by threatening to take away something important to them. This could be the loss of a relationship, their home, or their children or family. Also, it could be their jobs or entire careers.

In other words, bullies wield power over their target by threatening the loss or harm to anything or anyone the victim loves or deems important.

Here’s an example. An abusive spouse threatens to take the children if the victim even thinks about leaving them.

Also, we have seem this form of control run rampant in the last five years. An example would be during 2020 and 2021, the height of the you-know-what.

It was, “do this within thirty days or you will no longer have your job.” Or it was, “If you haven’t done that within the next two weeks, we will have the state revoke your business license.”

Ultimatums are so insidious and blatant that there should be no question that they’re hallmarks of coercive control.

If people begin giving you ultimatums, know that they are trying to control you. Whether it’s an abusive partner, toxic boss at work, or bullies at school, you must stand against it.

Therefore, you have two choices, either say no and back it up by refusing their demands, or head for the nearest exit. Either way, you make a choice not to be controlled.

2. Physical Assaults and attacks.

Bodily harm is another one of the most blatant and obvious forms of coercive control.  Physical beatings are not only designed to harm the victim, they are also meant to induce intense fear in targets and as a tool for bullies to re-enforce their power and control.

Nobody wants to get brutally beaten. Bullies instinctive know this. Therefore, they use the threat of physical harm to get victims to obey their orders.

Therefore, if physical bullies ever attack you, it’s best to defend yourself. You have every right to do so.

If you can’t defend yourself because of size, lack of strength, or physical ailment, get the police involved. At least have them make out a report.

The law may or may not do anything for you. However, if they make a report and you get a copy of that report, you have a paper trail. Also, you have established a history of abuse on the part of your bullies.

Moreover, you should also document each occurrence of physical abuse, even if it happens only once. Remember that documentation of bullying and abuse is admissible in court because it’s sufficient evidence.

You have a God-given right to be free from harm. Don’t hesitate to assert that right!

3. the signs of Coercive control also include Isolating the victim.

When controlling abusers isolate their victims, they do it deliberately to cut them off from any support they may otherwise receive from others.

For instance, abusive spouses and partners will stop their partners from having anything to do with their family and friends. They will talk trash about the other people that love the partner. Also, they will lay guilt trips on their victim for spending time with family and friends.

They will also claim that the other family members and close friends don’t really love the partner and plant seeds of doubt in their minds about them.

Moreover, bullies at school and in the workplace will use smear campaigns to turn the victims friends against them. They will also do everything they can to prevent the victim from making any new friends.

Even worse, they will go as far as to try to turn the victim’s family members against them too, if they can.

Again, they do this on purpose because their goal is to isolate the victim from support networks. This way, they can better keep their victim under their control.

This is why you must stand firmly against this kind of abuse if it happens to you. And if you can’t stand against it, document everything then leave the environment. Leave the company or the town if you must. But, get away fast!

Next, consult an attorney if you can afford it. Lastly, file suit against them if you have sufficient evidence to do so.

4. They watch you closely.

Bullies and abusers will watch you like a hawk! Abusive partners, school bullies and workplace harassers will stalk you online, going through your social media profiles.

They do this to see if they can find dirt on you to spread around.

Abusive partners will scroll through your phone to see if you are cheating or talking to potential mates. They will also text you to check up on you. They will ask where you are, who you’re with, and when you’re coming home.

Also, they will drive by your house to see who’s car is in your driveway, trying to find out if you have visitors. Moreover, they will also try to find out who those visitors are.

School and workplace bullies will also watch your house to find out the same things. These kinds of people have even been known to go through the victim’s trash. And they do this AFTER they follow them home.

And they usually do this while your garbage can is sitting on the edge of the street waiting for the next day’s garbage pick-up.

If possible, set up a home security system and dash-cam for your vehicle. Record these nosy psychopaths. Remember, stalking and invasion of privacy is illegal and you can press charges. You can also sue the pants off them.

However, you must first gather your evidence and enough of it.

5. coercive control can also come in the form of cutting off any financial support the victim may receive.

This form of coercive control happens mostly in relationships between romantic partners and spouses. And when it does, the abuser often prevents the victim from going to work or getting a job.

Bullying partners do this deliberately to keep the victim dependent solely on them for financial support. Thus, making it more difficult to walk out on them and compelling the victim to stay in the abusive relationship.

Moreover, abusive partners may withhold money from the victim to punish them for a perceived slight. In this, they cause the partner to go without food, shelter, or clothing as a punishment. This keeps the victim in line and gives the abuser continued control.

financial control doesn’t only happen in romantic and spousal relationships.

Although this happens mostly in relationships, school and workplace bullies can also exert this kind of control. For instance, school bullies will take the victim’s lunch money. They also may coerce the victim to hand over the money they brought for school pictures and yearbooks. Realize that this is also a form of financial control.

Workplace bullies may cause the company to demote the target, which usually comes with a huge pay cut. They may also deliberately get the victim terminated.

Also, as if that isn’t enough, workplace bullies will also attempt to blackball the target and prevent them for gaining employment anywhere else. Thus, they prevent their target from supporting themselves or feeding their families.

Understand that this is also financial control because it cuts the target and his/her family from any financial support. I know a few people that have endured this and it took a long battle before they were able to overcome it and finally regain financial stability.

In conclusion, it is better to leave the relationship, however difficult it may be, before it gets this bad. Also document, I can’t repeat this enough! Documenting is crucial!

Also, you must document every instance of bullying in the workplace as well. Then, leave the toxic workplace before your bullies have a chance to get you fired. You’ll know the signs early on if you pay attention.

This post was all about the top signs of coercive control to help you to know when it’s time to plan your escape and get out from under it.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. How to Respond to DARVO: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

3. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

3 Motives Behind a Bully’s Attacks

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Behind every bully’s attacks is a motive.

Have you ever wondered why bullies are so aggressive with you when they could care less about you? You understand that when someone doesn’t care a lick about you, they show no emotion, positive or negative. In other words, they’re indifferent.

However, when the bully is aggressive, it shows that they are bothered by something about you. It could be something you said, did, or conveyed through body language. It could even be your very presence that might bother the person.

Whatever the case may be, that something about you is motivating the attacks and aggression. But realize this, it’s not that they care one iota about you. What they do care about, however, is the possibility of your taking your power back from them. You becoming independent of their thoughts and opinions of you is the last thing your bullies want.

Here are 3 motives and emotions behind a bully’s attacks.

  1. Fear.

Bullies fear losing power over you. Whether it’s physical attacks or smearing and trying to cancel you, every bit of it is only proof that they feel threatened. Moreover, your bullies feel that they’re losing the battle for power or are about to lose. Therefore, they double down on attacking you to reinforce their power over you and keep you under their thumb. This often comes in the form of retaliation because you stood up to them and defended yourself. And the only way to discourage you from doing that again is to retaliate with greater force. 

Why? Because if you stand your ground and begin refusing their attempts to walk on you, you just might start a huge trend and inspire others to do the same, causing the bullies to lose  all respect, status, and authority (power).

  1. Resentment and Revenge.

Again. When you defend yourself against a bully’s attacks or demands, you only make them look (and feel) like punks, especially if you do it in front of an audience. It is for this reason that bullies will often retaliate. And they do it not only to subdue you and keep you under their power, or to save their “tough” reputations, but they also do it out of revenge. Anytime you stand up to bullies, they will often try to get back at you for it. Understand that bullies are entitled little twits. They need gratification and satisfaction, and when you refuse to give it to them, they will resent you and desire to punish you for it.

lies, liar, woman whose nose has grown long

  1. Deception.

Bullies have an image to keep up and they want to look tough. In other words, the bullies are trying like the devil to cover up the fact that you’re winning the power war against them. Think about it. If you were truly losing, they would act indifferent toward you. Your bullies wouldn’t need to become aggressive. It wouldn’t be necessary to go on the attack because you would be no threat to them nor the image they portray in public.

Therefore, they wouldn’t give you the time of day. Bullies, particularly the narcissistic type, always discard those they deem to be losers. On the other hand, threats must be contained. Those they see as threats are a lot of hard work for bullies. They require many attacks for the bullies to restore their power, be that power image, social status, or even physical status.

So, if a bully is incessantly attacking you, it isn’t because there is anything wrong with you and it isn’t because you’re weak. It’s because you somehow pose a threat to them, and that threat may or may not be so obvious. It may be very subtle. For example, the bully may pick up on something that isn’t so visible, maybe an inner strength you have that they can’t quite put their finger on.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

2 Questions You Must Ask Yourself to Avoid Toxic Conformity

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In today’s world, we are beginning to live under the thumb of toxic conformity. Certain people in power desire to control the masses by media lies and misinformation, censorship, ridiculous mandates, and other ridiculous laws, bills, and orders.

In fact, these powers that be don’t even try to hide their lies and sins anymore, which is a sign of real danger. Because if there’s no incentive to hide wrongdoing, and crimes against humanity, then it means that there’s impunity and the freedom to go on committing violations of basic human rights. Worse even, it’s a green light to escalate these abuses.

I believe that most people have forgotten how to think critically and have lost their voices for fear of not only censorship, but social shunning and cancel culture. Be that as it may, instead of taking the words of these, dare I say, tyrants and traitors, as the gospel, people need to start asking themselves these questions:

1. Who are these lies, bits of misinformation, censors, mandates, and laws really benefiting here? Me? Humanity as a whole? Or the people making all the rules?

2. What will our compliance gain us?

I believe that once we answer these questions for ourselves, we’ll know what we must do to preserve our human rights and liberties. It’s time that we each think and do for ourselves and give these powers that be the proverbial middle finger.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Reasons Bullies Crave Power (And Can’t Get Enough of It)

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Simple. Because it feels good.

“Power is not what you have. It’s what the enemy thinks you have.”  ~ Saul D. Alinsky (Rules for Radicals)

Bullies crave power like a kid craves candy. Power tastes delicious. Understand that most bullies attack in groups, or more appropriately, mobs. Being in a mob gives people tremendous power and bullies know it.

Power feels good because it can get people prestige, street cred, notoriety, and popularity. Power has a way of cushioning the ego, and as we already know, most bullies have meaningless lives outside of the mob and bullying environment (school, work, community, etc.). So, the power they get from being a part of a mob adds “meaning” to their lives that they could never get by any other means. Power is what gives bullies a cause and a purpose in life.

Group power is even better! Because in a mob, each individual can bully a target, lose themselves in the bullying, and get a degree of anonymity. Therefore, bullies are much safer in the group. The group shields each bully from taking any responsibility for their appalling behavior. Groups provide protection from exposure and personal consequences.

So, how do you fight back against a mob?

One way is to call out one or two of their members by their names and tell them to “get a grip,” “knock it off,” or “calm down.”

I recently read this in a book about survival and it makes perfect sense. Anytime you call out a few members of a mob by their names, it brings them back to themselves by personalizing them. What you’re doing is basically, separating them from the mob when you loudly call out their name.

How I wish I’d known this earlier in life.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Reasons Bullies Need Targets to Depend on Their Approval

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Sadly, bullies successfully convince targets that they must depend on them for something. It’s true.

“Depend on bullies? For what?” You may ask.

For acceptance and approval. For the ability to make friends and establish relationships. Yes, many targets of bullying have been hoodwinked into thinking that they should depend on bullies to have these things. This is how bullies keep targets essentially begging for it- by dangling carrots of the possibilities of having them. And the reasons why bullies do this is to keep their targets under their control and to force them to do what they want them to do.

Think about it. Domestic abusers, who are also bullies, do basically the same to their partners- keep them dependent in order to keep control of them. Only domestic abusers keep their partners dependent mostly on financial resources by keeping a tight grip on any money that come into the household.

Domestic abusers also close their partners off from any job opportunities and cutting them off from their friends and family who may see through them and convince their partner to leave.

Abuse is abuse, whether it comes in the form of bullying or domestic violence and psychological manipulation.

Oh! But wait!

Socialist and Communist governments (again, also bullies) always do this to their peoples- make and keep them dependent on them to keep control of them, their behavior, and their thoughts. These tyrannical governments keep their citizenry dependent by controlling all the resources- food, the water supply, energy distribution, income and wealth distribution.

Because, if you can keep someone dependent, you can make the rules and tell them what they can and cannot do. Even worse, you can force them to put up with horrible conditions and treatment- things that they wouldn’t, under normal circumstances, tolerate. You can control every aspect of a person’s life if you can make them depend on you for their very survival!

When bullies do this, they keep you afraid to be your own person, to exercise your autonomy, speak freely, be creative, and to flourish. They keep you fearful of standing up to them, calling them out of their atrocious behavior and abuse, and of asserting your God-given right not to be controlled and abused.

Understand that bullies, domestic abusers, and oppressive governments/regimes have the same in common- to control everyone and destroy their targets. It’s how they keep everyone dependent and obligated, and, therefore preserve dominance and power over.

Realize that in the minds of bullies, other people are only there for their convenience, their purpose, and their agenda. Nothing more!

With knowledge comes power!

Here’s Why Bullies Will Never Let You Live in Peace

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If you’re a target of bullying, I’m confident that you’ve asked these very legitimate questions a million times over.

“If these bullies despise me so much, why don’t they just get a life and leave me alone?”

“If they think that I’m such a bad person, why don’t they just let me go?”

“Why don’t they just drop me completely, go on about their business and let me go on about mine?”

“If I’m such a disgusting person to them, then why can’t my bullies simply just stay away from me?”

“If my bullies hate me so much, wouldn’t it be better for everyone if they (figuratively) just stayed in their corner of the room and let me stay in mine? If they just went on and did their thing and let me do mine?

“If I’m as loathsome as they say I am, why even bother? Why waste the energy to chase me down and harass me?”

“Why would people continue to pursue a person they so vehemently detest?”

“Why do they keep talking to me at all, even if it is abusive?”

After all, it would be a sensible solution to their problem- they stay away from you; you stay away from them, then everyone can be shiny and happy. Right?

Unfortunately, that’s not how it works out.

As much as I hate to break it to you, bullies will never go away and allow you to live in peace if they have selected you to be their target.

And here’s why:

Understand that a bully’s entire mission in life is to dominate and subjugate…period. And if not you, anyone. You just happen to be the easiest target for them, you are the person they have in their sights, so their goal is to subjugate you, to hold you down and oppress you. Realize that this is the only way bullies can thrive. In fact, their very ethos is in mentally or physically enslaving and tormenting you.

In short, the only way bullies can have some semblance of meaning in their own lives is to dominate another human being. Why? Because they could never attain (or obtain) power any other way. Outside of trying to control and keeping a tight grip on the lives of others, bullies can’t find meaning in their lives, nor any sense of effectiveness or self-worth.

Bullies have no substance. They have zero redeemable qualities. The vast majority are only life-losers disguised as winners and cloaked with false perfection. So, it makes perfect sense that the only way they find their meaning- which is their sense of effectiveness and self-worth is by using force and riding roughshod over people they perceive to have the least power.

 

You must realize that if your bullies just left you alone, they would have nothing else because there is nothing left out there for them.

These bullies may indeed run the school, workplace, or community but again, outside of the environments they take over, make toxic, and rule with iron fists, they have nothing, zip, zilch, squat!

On the other hand, their targets and others who are normal and have healthy mentalities don’t have to bully others to find meaning in their lives because they already have it outside the bullying environment. These people find meaning through unity and togetherness with their families, their friends, their churches, homes, or through their love and pursuit of their talents, hobbies, and interests.

Sadly, bullies don’t have these things to fall back on.

Understand that bullies must have targets (victims). In fact, they need targets- people who they can oppress and subjugate- people they can order around and tell what to do because bullying itself requires targets. Take the target out of the equation and bullying ceases to exist.

If one is going to be in charge, there must be people to be in charge of. You can’t rule over no one- you’re not the boss of anything if there are no people to boss around. You can’t be a king if there’s no kingdom because for a kingdom to even exist, there must be people living in it for you to rule.

Put another way, it would be like discovering a deserted island and declaring yourself king of that island- if a king has no people to rule, he has no kingdom and, therefore, no power. It’s the same with bullies. Without targets to lord over, there’s no power for them to have and enjoy.

Here’s another thing to consider: if you’re a target of bullying, the mere fact that you want to get away from your bullies- that you want to escape their abuse and declare yourself a separate person will enrage your bullies.

Any attempts you make to evade them will be met with insane anger and the escalation of abuse to punish you because when you flee or fight back, you’re attempting to take away the only power they have.

The same thing happens when a battered wife finally musters up the courage to leave her abusive husband. It drives him crazy and not because he’s loses her but because he loses power over her. Bullies are no different and their rage and hostility at the possibility of you either fighting back or leaving the environment is all about the threat of losing power.

Remember that bullying is abuse, just like domestic violence, rape, molestation, or any other form of abuse, and abuse is about power. Bullying and abuse are one and the same, so, they’re both about power.

Therefore, bullies will never allow you to live in peace. The reason bullies won’t leave you alone because to do so would mean them losing the only thing they have- their power…over you.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies Will Eat Their Own

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I saw this happen and yes, while I was at Oakley High School, even in the workplace. When there are no targets available to degrade and dehumanize, bullies will begin to turn on one of their own in the clique.

Understand that even the inner circle of the clique has a pecking order. Every clique has a leader, second in command, third and so forth (depending on how many members in the group), all the way down to the bottom rat. And if their targets aren’t available, the members of the clique will turn on that bottom rat and she will be the target of the day.

And if it so happens that the bottom rat’s not available either, then the poor sucker on the second rung up is the one who will catch hell. And so on. Crap always rolls downhill and lands on whoever is unfortunate enough to be in the basement.

And what was really scandalous is that sometimes, the targets didn’t have to be unavailable. I stood back and watched a lot of back-biting between the members of the bully cliques, a few would go out with the other friends’ boyfriends or girlfriends behind their backs then smile in their faces at school the following Monday. But that was their business and any sane person would no part of such strange, twisted, and dysfunctional friendships.

With them it was back to back ego trips and while most targets, sheople, and wannabes at OHS considered a curse, a few others considered a blessing. I could deal with not being in the in-crowd, that was fine and dandy. What I had an issue with was that none of those creeps would leave me alone, go on about their business, and get a life.

Remember that bullies must always have a target- someone to look down on, someone to dump on, and someone to tell what to do and ride roughshod over. Therefore, if their usual targets aren’t available on any given day, the bullies at the top will turn on the lowest members of their own group and continue demeaning them until their regular targets return.

This is yet another reason why you should never accept being in one of the in-cliques. Must you be in one to feel validated? No. You’re just as awesome without them. You’re also freer! Because if you’re not in a clique, you don’t have to live up to anyone’s unwritten rules or standards. You’re free to be yourself and do your own thing. And there is nothing better!