Tag: fear

people pleaser trauma response psychology

People Pleaser Trauma Response: 5 Adverse Events that Cause It.

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‘Want to know about the people pleaser trauma response? People pleasing is mostly a trauma response. Here are five adverse life events that can lead to fawning, along with ways to break this self-sabotaging habit.

people pleaser trauma response

In this post, you will learn all about the people pleaser trauma response and the five adverse events that cause it.

Once you learn all about these crucial details, you will be able to not only recognize it in yourself if it’s something you struggle with, but you will also be able to narrow down where it came from.

This post is all about the people pleaser trauma response so that you can recognize it, know what causes it, and identify all the signs of it.

People Pleaser Trauma Response

People-pleasing caused by trauma is real. Why? Because people-pleasing behavior, in general, is usually caused by some past trauma.

Let’s find out why some folks people-please.

Psychological Conditioning

Another name for people-pleasing is fawning.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, many victims of past bullying and abuse struggle with people-pleasing. Abusers have instilled the belief that, to win approval, you must bend over backwards for others. You must even tolerate shitty treatment from creeps.

So, they obey others’ demands because bullies have brainwashed them. And, not so much by words, but by their actions.

How? By retaliating and inflicting harm anytime the victim grew a spine and refused their demands. By doing this, bullies send the message that the next time you refuse to submit, they will punish you.

Moreover, they will often hurt you for daring to say “no!” Therefore, you fear asserting yourself.  And you quickly adapt to having to cater to others to ensure your safety. Sadly, some victims linger on in the same situation for years on end.

It’s a hell of a way to live, and it’s akin to being held hostage. You feel as if you exist only for others’ purposes, agendas, pleasures, and entertainment, not your own.

People Pleaser Trauma Response:

Bullies don’t take no for an answer.

Bullies have a massive sense of entitlement. Moreover, they feel that they are superior to you. Therefore, they don’t take no for an answer, especially from a little peon like you.

They punish anyone who refuses their demands. And that punishment can be psychological or even physical. However, this doesn’t mean that you don’t continue to stand firm.

It’s better for others to hate you than for you to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!

The Difference Between Kindness and People-pleasing

Kindness means that you give of yourself because you want to. Those who are kind have healthy self-esteem and give out of love. However, they never give at their own expense.

However, a people-pleaser has low self-esteem. Their giving and generosity come from fear instead of love. They give because they feel no one will like them if they don’t. Or, they do it because they may suffer consequences if they don’t.

So, what are the disadvantages of people-pleasing behavior?

People Pleaser Trauma Response:

the disadvantages of People-pleasing

  • You end up feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!
  • You’re never free to pursue your own interests because people are constantly haranguing you for favors.
  • You have no time for yourself.
  • Your productivity declines because other people’s priorities constrain your time.
  • Others lose respect for you.
  • It erodes your confidence and self-esteem.
  • You feel anger and resentment, not only at the people who constantly use you, but toward yourself for allowing them to.

 If nothing else, realize this. Most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for your needs. No one else can do that for you.

Charity always begins at home. Don’t run yourself ragged trying to take care of others. You must take care of yourself first.

Now, let’s learn the signs of people-pleasing you may see in yourself.

People Pleaser Trauma Response:

Signs You’re a People Pleaser

First, what is a people-pleaser? It is someone who always puts others before themselves. In other words, they put themselves last.

Many, especially targets of bullying, will have an overwhelming urge to people-please. This is not to say that they’re bad for doing it. However, it is unhealthy because what you are doing is not only counterproductive but also self-destructive.

To know the signs, you must distinguish between kindness and people-pleasing. Again, those who are kind give of themselves out of love. Their giving comes from the heart, not self-esteem issues or fear.

So, how do you know you’re a people-pleaser?

  • The fear of retaliation.
  • The desire to be liked and win friends.
  • To prove your worth.
  • To avoid conflict.
  • From insecurity.
  • You have low self-esteem.
  • Feeling like no one appreciates you.
  • Secretly having anger and resentment toward those who use and abuse you.
  • Being angry at yourself for allowing it.
  • Others may call you a “simp.”

5 Adverse Events that Cause People-Pleasing Behavior

1. Bullying or Past Bullying.

Bullying, whether at school or work, is traumatic. If you aren’t careful, it won’t take long, and before you know it, you’ll be walking on eggshells around everyone. And that’s what causes people-pleasing behavior.

In this situation, you aren’t trying to get others to like you. You’re trying to keep them off your back. Therefore, you fawn to keep them happy. But it only produces the opposite results. Others who are evil will notice it and only exploit it.

2. People pleaser Trauma Response:

Growing Up with Child Abuse.

Child abuse is another adverse event that causes people-pleaser behavior. Children who live in abusive homes learn quickly that to stay off an abusive family’s radar, they must fawn.

In other words, they must do everything humanly possible to make the abuser happy. Why? Because they know that if they don’t, there will be hell to pay.

They develop survival habits that are normalized. And by the time these kids reach adulthood, they become a way of life.

Sadly, through their people-pleasing behavior, they only attract more abusers. And they end up a victim of bullying for life. Understand that bullies and abusers look for a trauma response. It’s how they select their victims.

3. Spousal Abuse.

Spousal abuse is so potent. Oftentimes, a person who marries an abuser is highly confident at first. However, it doesn’t take long before domestic abuse whittles their self-esteem down to nothing.

Once your self-esteem is gone, you’ll bend yourself into a pretzel to please your abusive partner. And because trying to please them rewards their behavior, they’ll only treat you worse.

4. People Pleaser Trauma Response:

Not Knowing Any Better.

You may genuinely believe that you’re being kind when, in fact, you may be overdoing the pleasantries. And the next thing you know, others are treating you like a doormat, and you don’t understand why.

You may have been raised to treat everyone as you would want to be treated. However, your guardians may not have taught you that some will take advantage of it. Therefore, you people-please without realizing it.

Again, people-pleaser behavior is a sign of trauma. And signs of trauma are what abusers look for in potential victims.

5. Emotional gaslighting.

Bullies and abusers will use emotional gaslighting when you dare to defend yourself. Understand that they do this to drag you back under their power.

Therefore, if you have a habit of people-pleasing and you begin defending yourself because you’ve grown tired of taking bullshit, look for others to gaslight you.

It’s what happens when you first begin standing up for yourself.

Here’s how to get rid of the people pleaser trauma response:

1. Establish boundaries

When you have no boundaries, others will have no respect for you. Pleasers have no boundaries. Therefore, others quickly notice it and exploit it.

Setting boundaries may feel weird at first. However, it is a must if you want to take back control of your life. Why? Because setting boundaries shows that you have self-respect.

It also shows that you’re not afraid to prioritize your needs, even if it makes others angry. Realize that you teach others how to treat you. And how you treat yourself depends on how you allow others to treat you.

I can’t stress this enough: trauma responses attract bullying and abuse.

2. Stop apologizing

From the time we’re toddlers, our parents teach us to apologize when we do something wrong. Although this is a good thing, overdoing it can backfire.

Anytime you make unnecessary apologies, you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault. And when you give unsavory characters undeserved apologies, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior.

In the end, it only makes you a bigger target.

But when you refuse to apologize when you don’t need to, you show greater self-esteem. Moreover, you show greater power and display more dignity and integrity. Therefore, you instantly become less of a victim.

So, stop giving needless apologies. Realize that this overwhelming urge to over-apologize is only a knee-jerk reaction to extreme fear. Bullies and abusers can sniff fear from miles away.

3. How to Get Rid of The People Pleaser Trauma Response:

Say no.

The word no yields more power than any other word in the English language. On the other hand, the word yes holds none whatsoever.

Saying no is risky. However, saying yes to bullies won’t keep them from harming you. It may hold them off for the time being, but it won’t keep the bullies away forever. They always come back for more later.

Realize that saying yes to some, especially bullies, means saying no to yourself. So, never be afraid to say no and mean it.

4. Practice self-care

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential to your physical and mental well-being. Nobody else will do it for you. Therefore, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, even if others disagree.

Understand that if you don’t begin looking out for number one, you’ll only continue playing second fiddle to others. Or worse, you might end up coming in last!

The only one you should come second to is God! Especially around bullies and others who don’t value you.

So, continue to do you. Others may not like it, but that’s their problem, not yours.

5. How to Get rid of the people pleaser trauma Response:

Make your needs a priority

You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you make your needs a priority, you’ll have more to give to others. Always remember that.

Realize that you don’t need to kiss ass, eat shit, and lick boots to prove your worth or ensure your safety. When you tend to people-please, you only bring more bullying and abuse into your life. Why? Because evil characters look for signs of trauma in potential victims

It isn’t your fault. However, you must still learn how to ward off bullies and attract healthy people. Standing up for yourself is how you do it.

This post is all about the people pleaser trauma response so that you can know where it comes from and how to break the bad habits that attract bullying and mistreatment.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Bullying and Trauma

2. People Pleaser Test: 4 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser

3. Over Apologizing Trauma Response: 9 Easy Ways to Overcome It

4. Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying\

5. The Perfect Victim: 9 Traits Bullies Look for in Potential Targets

Bullying and The Human Stress Response

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‘Want to know about bullying and the human stress response? Here’s everything you need to know.

bullying and the human stress response

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bullying and the Human Stress Response go hand in hand. Bullying automatically activates this response in victims.

Whenever bullies accost their target, their body instinctively goes into survival mode.  Therefore, the automatic response is either to fight or flee.

But what happens when their bodies stay in that state due to long-term bullying?

In this post, you will learn all about bullying and the human stress response. You will also learn what happens when a person stays in survival mode for longer than usual.

Once you learn all about these crucial details, you will become more proactive in protecting yourself from bullying.

This post is all about the human stress response, so you will understand the mechanisms by which bullying affects the brain and the sympathetic nervous system.

Bullying and the Human stress Response

Bullying automatically throws the victim’s body into survival mode. We no longer fight saber-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths to survive. However, our bodies don’t know the difference.

Therefore, bullying activates the same human survival instinct that wild animals did during prehistoric times. When bullies approach you, your bloodstream floods itself with adrenaline.

This is useful in emergencies because it lets you run faster from a pack of wolves. Moreover, it gives you the strength that you wouldn’t usually have. This is the stamina you need to fight off people who want to harm or kill you.

It’s all a part of the survival instinct that all humans have. However, this burst of adrenaline is only meant to be temporary and subsides once the danger has passed.

Therefore, if you live on this adrenaline for too long, it can have devastating consequences.

the effects of Long-term bullying on the sympathetic nervous system.

A certain amount of stress is healthy because it helps us to get things done. However, too much stress for too long can cause significant damage.

According to the Cleveland Clinic website, “Your sympathetic nervous system is a network of nerves that helps your body activate its ‘fight-or-flight’ response. This system’s activity increases when you’re stressed. It also kicks in when you’re in danger or physically active.

Its effects include increasing your heart rate and breathing ability, improving your eyesight, and slowing down processes like digestion.”( https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/23262-sympathetic-nervous-system-sns-fight-or-flight#:~:text=Your%20sympathetic%20nervous%20system%20is%20best%20known%20for%20its%20role,your%20get%20out%20of%20danger. )

Bullying and the Human Stress Response:

What happens when you live in survival mode for too long?

The effects are devastating! After so long, bullying can screw up the target’s Sympathetic Nervous System. It can cause confusion and emotional numbness.

Moreover, the constant bullying puts your fight-or-flight response into overdrive. After bullies have bullied you for so long, it causes adverse changes in your brain.

It causes your thinking ability to decline. Also, your brain rewires itself to expect a hostile environment. In other words, it will create new neural pathways to support this.

When you live in survival mode, the logical part of your brain automatically shuts down. Therefore, the primal part of your brain takes over.

What are the most common outcomes?

1. If people bully you in school, your grades fall, and class performance suffers.

As we all should know, bullying can have a devastating effect on grades and class performance. Here’s how:

Anytime you are a victim of bullying, you are on constant alert for an attack. It feels as if you have a target on your back and you must grow eyes in the back of your head. In other words, you become hyper-vigilant.

When you must focus so much on protecting yourself, safety takes priority over studying lessons. How can one concentrate on schoolwork? You can’t study when people constantly bombard you with threats, taunts, name-calling, and physical violence.

How can you learn effectively when you’re stuck in never-ending fight-or-flight mode? It’s almost impossible! I tell you this because it happened to me.

Therefore, is it any wonder that the majority of victims have such poor grades?

2. Bullying and The Human Stress Response:

Learned helplessness.

When you suffer bullying, many people repeatedly tell you that you’ll never amount to anything. After hearing the same crap repeatedly for so long, you begin to believe it yourself.

Therefore, a condition, known as “Learned Helplessness,” develops. And, soon, you stop trying altogether.

Bullying can affect ALL areas of your life. Not only social, but also academic and achievements.

3. Bullying stunts victims’ social development.

The bullied brain has difficulty developing properly. Social intelligence may not keep you from becoming a victim of bullying. However, it will lessen your chances of it.

Social intelligence always has, and always will, supersede book smarts. It will get you much further than college degrees, awards, and credentials alone.

Moreover, it is the reason high school dropouts have become millionaires. And it is also why many college graduates have ended up flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Social intelligence is THE most important quality you can have. It’s the highest-paid skill and most important asset in the entire universe.

But, sadly, most victims have had their confidence and charisma bullied out of them.

4. Bullying and the Human Stress Response:

Social withdrawal.

However, if you suffer bullying, the abuse can batter your self-esteem into oblivion. And, to cope with it, you may withdraw from the rest of the world.

When you’ve been bullied for so long, you become deathly afraid of other people. Also, you come to believe that you’re inferior to everyone else.

Therefore, you’re afraid to talk, scared to mingle, and fearful of social situations. You retreat into yourself and live inside your own head.

You may create a fantasy world where you feel safe, wanted, and loved. It’s a world of imaginary people who accept you. As a result, you shut out the “real world” and live in this fantasy world- this safe haven you’ve created.

This is not good because, when this happens, you stop watching people and the world around you. As a result, you stop learning the social graces and nuances that you need to know to nurture relationships and create a good life for yourself.

5. You become socially awkward.

In other words, you become too quiet, shy, and reserved.

You look right through people instead of smiling and saying hello. You become sullen and spaced out instead of happy, upbeat, and engaging.

Also, you feel numb instead of the emotions you should feel at different times.

Therefore, it stunts your social development!

6. Other negative outcomes you may face.

You will have trouble making your own choices. Why? Because you won’t trust yourself to make the right decisions for your life, especially if you are a child.

Relentless bullying can cause children to lose the ability to discern abuse when they experience it. They may make wrong choices to reach safety. This usually happens due to changes in their brains.

Bullying can also affect emotional control. You may suffer loss of cognitive abilities and a severely diminished ability to control emotions. This is why victims often snap and do irrational things when the pressure builds to the breaking point.

This happens especially with children. Because their brains are still developing, kids are more likely to have defects in emotional regulation.

Bullying and the Human Stress Response:

Flowers Can’t Grow and Bloom Without Sunlight

Bullying causes self-doubt. And self-doubt is the killer of dreams. It comes when a person is consistently showered with toxicity.

Toxicity comes from toxic people- bullies and abusers. When all a person gets is insults and abuse for a long time, they become exhausted.  And any positivity they once had is slowly drained from them until they’re totally depleted of it.

Eventually, if you aren’t careful, you’ll start seeing yourself through the eyes of your bullies. And you’ll give up. And, when others look at you, they will see a person who’s lackluster and slow.

When you’re a target of bullying, you’re like a flower that gets nothing but constant rain. The flower doesn’t grow and develop properly.

The consistent abuse zaps your energy and keeps you hyper-vigilant and on guard 24/7- waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You lose your happiness, confidence, pride, will, and purpose in life. In essence, your bullies take away your good qualities and turn you into a person you don’t even recognize anymore.

This is no way to live.

So, what can you do?

Never accept the bullshit bullies try to cram down your throat. I want you to realize that they don’t know you at all. They may claim they know you more than you know yourself.

The truth is, nobody can possibly know you like you know yourself. And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying through their teeth.

1. Bullying and The Human Stress Response:

Refuse to accept their definition of you.

Understand that bullies and abusers are miserable people who want you to be as miserable as they are. Therefore, stay away from those people. They aren’t worth your time or energy.

Remember that there’s always hope. You’re worth much more than what your bullies say you are. And you’re worth more than you may think you are.

Never let bullies destroy the things inside you that matter the most. That is your self-love, self-respect, confidence, and sense of pride. Those things are yours and not for anyone else to have!

2. Remove yourself from the environment if possible.

Focus on self-care. If at all possible, remove yourself from the bullying environment. Go to a new place where you can grow and flourish.

Transfer to a place where you can make friends. Be your own best friend. Be your own hero. And be your own sunlight!

Keep company with people who let you shine and let the sun shine on you!

Remember that a plant cannot grow in a hostile environment with no sunlight or water. And neither can human beings flourish in fight-or-flight mode.

Constant survival mode is no way to live.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

This post is all about bullying and the human stress response so that you will be more aware of the outcomes and start defending yourself now.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. The Bullied Brain: 7 Ways Bullying Affects Mental Health 

2. Fight Flight Freeze Fawn: 4 Stress Responses of Bullying Victims

3. Bullying Survival Mode: 5 Things Victims of Bullying Do Wrong

4. Bullying and the Fight-or-Flight Response

5. Effects of Bullying on the Victim: 13 Symptoms of Bullied People

bullying and trauma symptoms

Bullying and Trauma

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Bullying and trauma go hand in hand. ‘Want to know how bullying causes trauma? Here is a list of trauma symptoms that bullying causes that you must know about.

bullying and trauma

You don’t have to be a combat soldier or veteran to have PTSD. Victims and survivors of rape and incest can develop it. Targets and survivors of severe bullying and abuse can also have it.

In this post, you will learn all about bullying and trauma. You will also learn about the symptoms of trauma that are caused by bullying.

Once you learn about these informative topics, you will be better equipped to recognize trauma and seek the help you need.

This post is all about bullying and trauma, so that you can recognize it in yourself and a bullied loved one and know when to get help.

Bullying and Trauma

Although many people survive and, better yet, overcome whatever or whoever tried to harm them, it still leaves scars on their psyches. Therefore, your ability to regulate emotions is deeply affected, as is your ability to find stability, happiness, joy, love, and intimacy.

I know this from firsthand experience.

If you’re anything like I was back in the 1990s, during my twenties, all it takes is for someone to stare or look at you the wrong way. Then, you’ll ask them very belligerently what their major malfunction is.

Moreover, if someone gets in your face, approaches you in a threatening manner, or does anything to provoke you, you’ll do one of two things:

You’ll get away from the person, or you’ll do what I did: put up your fists and dare them to try something.

So, what are the bullying and trauma symptoms?

1. Hyper-Vigilance

When you’re hyper-vigilant, you constantly stay on guard for whatever it is that threatened you in the past. Therefore, if you were a victim of bullying, you should consistently watch out for bullies. Also, you’re determined that no one will ever bully you again.

Constantly having to watch your back can get exhausting. Therefore, find a therapist. If you can’t find one, talk to a trusted friend or family member. If that isn’t possible, write it down in a journal or diary.

The point is to get it out and begin healing, because you can’t live this way for the rest of your life.

2. You’re constantly ready to fight.

This goes along with hyper-vigilance.

For example, you’re 23 years old and five years out of high school. You’re standing in the checkout line at the supermarket.

While having your groceries rung up by the clerk, the woman behind you is cursing and shouting at you to “hurry up.” Moreover, she’s a woman you’ve been at odds with for a while now.

When you hand the cashier your cash to pay for the groceries, the woman points her finger right in your face. Consequently, your automatic response is to grab her by the back of her head and slam her face against the checkout counter.

Understand that this is a knee-jerk reaction. However, knee-jerk responses get people into trouble.

Therefore, the best thing to do is to tell them off in as few words as possible. Then, walk away. In other words, never stay silent; instead, get your point across using concise language, then move on. There’s no need to get physical.

This is a better alternative when someone is running their mouth. However, if they put a finger in your face, no law says you can’t grab their finger and shove it away.

And if the person tries to hit you, then it’s time to throw up those dukes and defend yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with self-defense. It’s how we set boundaries. It’s how we teach people to respect our personal space and keep their hands to themselves.

3. Bullying and trauma:

you have Trust issues.

Targets want to trust, relax, and feel comfortable in social situations. Only they don’t know who to trust. Therefore, it’s much safer not to trust anyone- safer to put up walls and keep the rest of the world out.

Survivors have built invisible fortresses around themselves for protection. The problem with this is that these protective fortresses can become prisons and sometimes tombs!

This is what trauma does.

Here’s why this happens:

  • You’ve been an outcast for so long that you don’t trust invitations to events. Even worse, you don’t trust people enough to talk to them.
  • People have mistreated you for so long that you’ve lost faith in humanity.
  • Bullies and their followers have, in the past, baited you into trusting them somehow, only to pull some cruel joke on you. Therefore, you no longer risk being fooled again.

Understand that you need a human connection. And trust issues are a factor that reinforces isolation. It’s a terrible existence and can sometimes create a temptation for suicide.

Therefore, you must force yourself to get out of the house. Visit a family member or go to a museum if you must.

Moreover, if a loved one is struggling, speak to them lovingly. Do some investigating and find out why.

4. Bullying and Trauma:

You Fear Conflict.

Conflict is a part of life and something we all face at some point. However, many victims and survivors of bullying are afraid of conflict.

Why? Because bullies have forced so much of it on them in the past that they can no longer bear the thought of another confrontation.

Moreover, they haven’t dealt with the hurts. And they don’t know their worth. Many targets and survivors of bullying have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Therefore, they remain stuck in a state of survival mode.

As a result, they cave in and give others what they want to keep from pissing them off. The unspoken message is, “Look! Just take what you want and get lost!”

However, this can become a problem. If you go out of your way to avoid conflict, people will soon mistake you for being weak, and they’ll walk all over you. Therefore, you must set boundaries.

Realize that the time will come when you must say no. There are even times when you may have to show your ugly side to get your point across, that no means no, and enough is enough.

Understand that this requires guts. It means you must step out of your comfort zone and take risks.

You must risk hurting others’ feelings and making people angry. You must risk being lashed out at and retaliated against. Moreover, you must also risk losing relationships, and none of it feels good.

Never run from conflict. Because if you do, you’ll end up running from it for the rest of your life!

5. Bullying and Trauma:

You have stunted social development.

Although social intelligence won’t necessarily keep you from becoming a target of bullying, it will most certainly lessen your chances of it.

Social intelligence has always and will always supersede book smarts. It will get you much further than college degrees, awards, and credentials alone. High school dropouts have become millionaires, while many college graduates have ended up working at McDonald’s.

This occurs primarily due to the level of social intelligence.

Social intelligence is THE most important quality you can have. It’s the highest-paid skill and most important asset in the entire universe.

For many years, people thought that it was a skill that no one could teach. The prevailing school of thought was that one was either born with it or not.

And if you weren’t, it was something that you had to accept and deal with. Thankfully, we now know differently.

This is why it’s so crucial that you make a conscious effort to save your self-esteem. You achieve this by keeping your heart open, meeting new people, and forming new friendships.

 In other words, create positive interactions and experiences that are separate from the bullying environment.  Social opportunities multiply exponentially once you’re away from your bullies or anyone else who knows you from the bullying environment.

This is how you maintain your self-esteem and continue to develop your social intelligence.

6. Bullying and Trauma:

You’re painfully shy.

Many targets of bullying, after people bully them so severely for so long, become painfully shy.

When others scrutinize everything you say down to the tiniest detail, it’s easy for you to withdraw. As a result, you shut out the rest of humanity and hide in plain sight.

Moreover, you do this because you think it’s the safest thing to do. However, it’s a terrible way to live. Shyness is like a prison without walls.

Why? Because it stops you from being your true, authentic self, and you end up missing out on so much. Shyness keeps you from having fun and enjoying life.

Therefore, be brave and continue to put yourself out there. Again, establish good connections outside the place where people bully you. I guarantee that this is a great start.

7. You have Social Anxiety.

After being bullied for so long, victims can develop social anxiety. In other words, they withdraw from people because they fear future attacks.

This happens when your spirit has been beaten down and broken. You’ve been abused to the point of losing faith in humanity. Also, nefarious people have programmed you to believe that you aren’t worthy of love and friendship.

Therefore, you’re under the presumption that it’s much safer not to engage in any social interaction.

Bullying and trauma:

Covert Signs of social anxiety

Social anxiety can also be more covert, showing itself in less obvious ways:

  • Excessive laughing and giggling
  • Over-apologizing
  • Appearing normal on the outside but nervous and shaky on the inside
  • Excessive humor and being overly funny or having no sense of humor at all
  • Excessive sarcasm/having a smart-alecky attitude
  • Being overly friendly/too nice
  • Shutting down/freezing up- unable to talk or move
  • Meanness/rudeness
  • Fidgeting/can’t sit still
  • Lack of or too much eye contact
  • Poor posture/looking down all the time
  • Having a hard time keeping up with a conversation
  • Talking too loudly, too fast, too soft, too slow, or not at all
  • Indifference
  • Excessive use of foul language
  • Promiscuity/raciness
  • Wearing attire that is provocative or super-revealing
  • A style that is “perceived” as separatist or out of the ordinary (goth, punk-rock, etc.)

Fortunately, survivors of bullying can overcome the trauma by learning to love themselves again and studying tips on how to raise their confidence levels. Although bullying can be traumatic, you can learn many life lessons from it that can help you grow.

This post was all about bullying and trauma so that you can take steps to lessen the aftereffects.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Adult Survivors of School Bullying: 19 Things They Do Differently 

2. Life Lessons from Bullying: 16 Powerful Takeaways to Remember 

discouraged

When Others Tell You You Can’t: 8 Reasons They Discourage You

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When others tell you, “You Can’t,” does it annoy you or does it cause you to believe in yourself a little less each time they say it?

Understand that there are reasons why people say this. ‘Wanna know what those reasons are?

when others tell you you can't

When you have people telling you that you can’t do, be or accomplish something, it can be a real morale-killer. Sadly, victims of bullying and abuse hear this reply a lot! If you’re one of these people like I was, you must know why they do it.

In this post, you will learn the reasons why others tell you, “you can’t.” You’ll also learn the exact motivations and intentions behind it.

Once you learn all these reasons, motivations, and intentions and the place the statement comes from, you will be better able to blow it off and do it anyway.

When Others Tell You, “You Can’t”

“When others tell you, “you can’t,” they actually fear that you can and are even more afraid that you will.”

– Cherie White –

There are reasons why people discourage you. Sometimes, it’s unintentional. However, more often, it’s purposeful. Here are the reasons why they say this and why you should let it go in one ear and out the other.

1. Jealousy

Many times, people abuse and mistreat you because they are more aware of your potential than you are. In other words, they are jealous of that potential.

Understand that these people are scared to death that you’re going to make it in life later on. Therefore, they ridicule your dreams and try their hardest to make you ashamed of them so that you’ll stop pursuing them.

They know that if they can convince you to stop pursuing those dreams and worse, stop believing in yourself, they just might steer you away from success. So, see this for what it is.

It’s a sneaky form of sabotage!

2. When others tell you, “you can’t,” It’s because your success would be a threat to their power

This is especially true with bullies and abusers. Understand that these people see you as inferior to them. Therefore, any success you achieve will threaten their power. Moreover, it would crush their egos.

Understand that these people just aren’t happy people. Why do you think they go out of their way to bring you down, rain on your parade, trash your dreams?

Think about it. How many happy people who are satisfied with their own lives do you see sitting or standing around putting others down?

Therefore, if you have a person or group of people in your life who are constantly bombarding you with insults and horrible names, they just might be projecting their own feelings of inadequacy onto you.

 Moreover, when people say that you will never amount to anything nor achieve anything, it’s because they want you to believe it. And, if you allow them to convince you that you’re nothing, you will unknowingly began to live up to it.

Therefore, you’ll only play right into their hands. You must never allow yourself to be taken in by these monsters. Hold on to your confidence no matter what! Refuse to believe their hogwash!

3. To tear down your confidence.

Some people are envious of your confidence and do everything possible to destroy it. Therefore, they constantly belittle you and put you down.

However, you must know why they do it. And that’s to avoid feeling so miserable about themselves and look bigger to others. Again, there’s yet a much deeper reason: Those people are deathly afraid that you will amount to something, that you’ll become successful- more successful than them.

Confidence alone is enough to threaten bullies.

4. When Others Tell you, “You Can’t,” It’s Because they’re afraid you’ll show them up.

Moreover, they’re afraid that you’ll prove them all wrong and force them to back-peddle and eat every nasty word that came out of their mouths about you.

Let’s face it. Crow doesn’t sound like a delicious dish. No one likes to be shown up. Even worse, people hate it when the person they thought was less-than and would never be anyone reaches success.

Why? Because when the perceived underdog makes a huge accomplishment, he only exposes those who made themselves out to be the over-dogs. Moreover, he exposes them by highlighting the inferiority they so desperately tried to hide.

In other words, when you become a winner, you remind those haters, bullies, and naysayers of everything they didn’t or couldn’t do. You also remind them of everything they never could and will never be.

It is as if you’re holding a mirror up to them and showing them their nude reflections. You reflect back to them the ugly and downright disgusting parts of themselves they never wanted to see. Most don’t like to see themselves naked for all the cellulite, dimples, and bumps of fat.

Therefore, it’s the same with seeing their true personalities. Your success exposes the laziness and mediocrity they’ve been so comfy and content with living in, yet tried to conceal.

“Who do you think you are! I labeled you as a loser, and you didn’t live up to that! How dare you!”

This is exactly what your bullies from high school or a past job will think when you reach your star! I promise you! Trust me when I say that bullies aren’t happy people, though they pretend to be. They’re only happy when they’re making someone else feel like manure.

5. At their core, they are miserable, bitter, and afraid.

Bullies have to make someone else a target so that they won’t become targets themselves. Therefore, they put you down to hide or distract others from their shortcomings. Your bullies and abusers must find someone they perceive to be weaker than themselves to degrade to take the negative focus off them.

Your accolades only put the spotlight right back on them. It’s why they’ve tried to keep you down for so long. And it took a lot of work for them to do it, which brings me to another point; nobody likes the thought of wasted effort.

As long as you’re winning at life, bullies can’t touch you. When you succeed in life, you unwittingly put your bullies in the hot seat because you force them to look like the utter fools they are.

You force them to deal with a truth they don’t want to realize. And that truth is that all along, you’ve always had it in you to reach your goals and live a prosperous life.

So, no matter what people say, no matter how others treat you, never lose sight of your worth or your goals!

6. When Others Tell you, “You Can’t,” It’s because They want to stay superior to you.

In other words, they don’t want you to be equal and they for damn sure can’t stand the thought of you being superior to them! Noooo!

7. To make you nervous

Why? Because they know that when a person is nervous, they’re likely to make mistakes.

Think about it. When you’re extremely nervous, you drop things and trip over stuff. Why?  Because the intense nervousness and fear make you awkward and uncoordinated. In other words, it makes you clumsy. The human stress response is a tricky little devil!

You become even more afraid, which makes the clumsiness worse. Moreover, you become fearful of screwing up and afraid to fail. You’re also afraid to be yourself because you know your bullies are watching you closely.

Also, you know that your mistakes and failures are precisely what they’re waiting for.

For example, a bullied girl bakes a cake in Home Economics, only for it to collapse like a souffle. A bullied boy accidentally drops the ball on the basketball court in Physical Education. A company supervisor oversees a project, only for it to fall flat and be ridiculed.

And it seems the harder you try not to screw up, the more you do. You’re confused and don’t know which end is up. Making choices is hard and you aren’t sure which decisions are the right ones. No one can think clearly when nerves take over.

Additionally, when your mind and body are in panic mode, your brain begins to rewire itself for a hostile environment. It does this after people have, for so long, subjugated you to inhumane treatment.

Therefore,  the part of your mind that deals with decision-making and emotional regulation automatically shuts down. And you’re at the mercy of your primal instincts!

8. When Others Tell You, “You Can’t,” It’s only To Psychologically sabotage you

Realize that this is nothing more than a psychological operation that bullies employ to trick your mind into believing that you just might fail. Therefore, do not, no matter what, allow these people to manipulate you this way!

Why? Because they really will cause you to self-sabotage and fail if you do.

This is why most victims of bullying have low grades and performance in school. Also, it’s why victims of workplace bullying often have work projects that decline.

As a result, teachers and supervisors look at victims of bullying as failures and nuisances.

You may need to leave the toxic environment.

This is why you must get out of the bullying environment and away from those poisonous people if the bullying seems to get worse. Your life and your life chances depend on it.

And once you’re out of that toxic place, you’ll be amazed at how quickly the nervousness, clumsiness, and awkwardness will go away!

Moreover, you’ll be astonished at how your grades in school skyrocket and your performance at work drastically improves!

Why? Because the nervousness will fade quickly. Therefore, you will be calm again, finally. You’ll be able just to relax, breathe, and be. And that’s a freedom I can’t describe when I remember how it happened for me.

The relief will be so great! You will have the feeling of coming up for air after having your head held underwater. When you’re in a new place and around better people, you can put your best foot forward and start anew!

It may be frightening at first because, after all, you just came out of an abusive situation, and you may need time to get used to the new people in your life. You may be afraid of being bullied again. But I promise you that you can make new friends and you can finally enjoy equal treatment.

Also, because you’ll be a fresh face.  In most cases, everyone loves the new kid because there’s an air of mystery that surrounds them. So, take advantage of that.

Once you’re able to relax and be yourself, you’ll be able to speak and do things more confidently and assuredly. Your actions and movements will be fluid and the clumsiness and confusion will fade away. I guarantee it!

When Others Tell You, “You Can’t” – In Summary:

If you’re working hard to better your life and pursue your goals and dreams, expect bullies and even people who aren’t bullies to discourage you. Moreover, If you happen to be a target of bullying, understand that it’s nothing more than psy-ops bullies are trying to use against you.

See it for what it’s designed to do. And that is to suppress you and make you afraid of even trying because you risk the possibility of failing.

Even bullies know that if you keep trying  long enough, you’re very likely to succeed.

Realize that bullies can’t handle the successes of anyone. And they most definitely can’t take it if it’s achieved by anyone they deem inferior.

Moreover, understand that a bully’s feelings of power and superiority come from one-upmanship, and when his/her target succeeds at anything, it undermines that sense of superiority.

Proverbially, any success you enjoy only takes your bullies down a notch or two.  This makes them angry. Therefore, they want to put you back in your place.

Therefore, when you reach success, expect this type of attitude and behavior from your bullies. Know that it will reignite a lot of rage and jealousy in them. It will also induce the need to take revenge. No way will they allow you to upstage them.

When this happens, don’t feel bad but feel good about it. Why? Because it only shows that your bullies are jealous and desperate to have what you have. Expect people to act ignorant. Look forward to when others tell you, “you can’t.”

Then let it go in one ear and out the other and keep working hard. Moreover, never apologize for any successes you’ve had.

This post is all about how to respond when others tell you, “you Can’t,” so that you can ignore the naysayers, save your self-esteem and keep striving to reach your goals!

1. Knowing Yourself: Why it’s the First Step in Building Confidence

2. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

3. No Apology Necessary: 8 Things You Should Never Apologize For

4. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

5. Be Happy Be Yourself: 3 Benefits You Reap When You Stop Caring What Others Think

The Risks of Saying No: 11 Reasons You Fear Saying No to People

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If you’re a victim of bullying, do you want to know exactly why you’re afraid to face the risks of saying no? You know the concept but would you know how to word it if you had to explain it?

the risks of saying no

When you’re a target of bullying, saying no is risky. Bullies use force to get what they want and they don’t take no for an answer. Here are the most common reasons why it’s so difficult to say no when you need to.

You will learn all the risks of saying no to bullies so that you can pick the answers that best suit you and your situation.

After you learn what these reasons are, you will better be able to face your fear of saying it. Even better, you will have the answers you need to conquer that fear.

This post is all about the risks of saying no and what you can do to conquer your fear of saying it when you must.

“No” is such a tiny word but has so much power behind it. It can be intimidating to say to someone and to get for an answer from them. T

Victims of bullying have an especially difficult time saying no to people. And why not? Others have bullied them into saying yes for so long that they’ve conditioned the targets to do it without thinking.

The Risks of Saying No

However, many people who have never been bullied also have a hard time telling others no. Why is that?

There are many reasons:

1.Many people, especially victims of bullying, were raised to believe that saying no is self-centered, rude, and disrespectful. 

When we were children, adults often forced us to say yes. Abusive adults often conditioned us to go against own rights and welfare, or risk worse punishment. It was “obey, or else.”

Many of us grew up during a time when we automatically owed anyone over the age of eighteen respect. It didn’t matter if the adult in question was being fair or not. Neither did it matter if they were self-serving and out to harm us.

Just by virtue of being adults, we “owed” them respect simply because they’d lived on this earth longer than us. We were made to believe we were obligated to give respect to any adult no matter how lowdown and creepy the person may have been.

Sadly, these adults conditioned us this way during childhood and molded us into spineless, submissive adults. As a result, we continue to get used and abused by our partners, family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.

Moreover,  all our lives, people have duped us into believing that saying yes to everything everyone asks (or demands) means that we’re “good people.”  Moreover, we have received the message that being agreeable one hundred percent of the time shows that we’re being “respectful” and that we have “a good attitude.”

Saying No to Ourselves by Saying Yes to Others

Consequently, we only learned the hard way that it’s the exact opposite. What it really means is that we become suck-ups, kiss-butts, and wusses.

However, understand this right now. Saying no means setting boundaries.

If we don’t set boundaries, we only end up with self-esteem that was never given the chance to develop properly. Therefore, we place ourselves at the mercy of bad people.

2. Another Reason You Don’t Take the Risks of Saying No is Because You’re afraid of offending people.

Let’s face it, people, especially bullies and abusers, often become offended with things which aren’t necessarily offensive. Understand that bullies, abusers, and other toxic people have an overinflated sense of entitlement. And they will become infuriated if you have the intestinal fortitude to tell them no.

Moreover, how they react could be downright scary! Look for these people to lay guilt trips on you and tell you what a rude and selfish person you are.

Also, you will feel pangs of guilt because bullies will, more than likely, convince you that you’ve done something wrong.

However, don’t you believe it for a second! See the bullies’ behavior for what it is- emotional manipulation.

You must realize that the offense these people take comes from insecurity and the feeling of rejection. It also comes from feeling entitled.

This is why they take being told “no” so personally. But! If nothing else, know this!

Any indignation or anger the other person feels and displays is neither your responsibility nor is it your problem.

Therefore, walk away from the idiot and have nothing more to do with them. They do not deserve the time of day from you.

3. You’re afraid of letting other people down.

This is understandable. No one who’s a decent person and worth their salt wants to let down another human being.

However, if you don’t save a little time, energy, and resources for yourself, there will be nothing left for you. Constantly putting your needs and priorities on the back burner to accommodate everyone else isn’t healthy at all.

So, begin putting your needs before theirs no matter the cost. If you take care of your needs first, then you can better take care of others’ needs later.

4. You don’t take the risks of saying no because you’re afraid of being thought of as selfish.

Most people care what others think and many, perhaps, a little too much. Although it’s normal to want others to think of you as good, decent, and caring person, too many people feel they must bend over backwards to prove it.

This kind of thinking is unhealthy. It reeks of desperation and only attracts users and abusers who’ll only bleed you dry of time, energy, resources, and self-esteem.

Therefore, remember the verse in the song, “Self-Esteem” by The Offspring? The verse that quotes, “the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care…yeeah…”

Nooo! What it does is make you look like a simp to other people.

5. One of the risks of saying no is that you take people out of their comfort zones.

And that is time you’d rather spend with your family, closest friends, and loved ones. Or it could be time better spent studying your lessons, working on your own pursuits and hobbies, or resting.

There are only 24 hours in a day and if you’re constantly prioritizing others first, your needs will take a back seat and you won’t have time left for yourself and the people who matter most.

Self-care is never selfish. It’s essential! It’s a necessity! Realize that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but that’s okay. So, be okay with it.

Be prepared for some people to call you “selfish” when they hear the word no come out of your mouth. But again. Remember that you’re not responsible for the way they feel or for their problems. And see it as you’ve taken them out of their comfort zones because they’ve grown used to hearing you say yes.

So, embrace it because these people are showing you exactly who they are and who you should eliminate from your life.

6. You want to help others because it’s rewarding.

This is normal and there’s nothing wrong with it. Helping others makes us feel good and has huge heart-rewards.

For example, when we help our family members and friends, it shows them that we love them, and we care about their happiness and well-being.

When we help total strangers, we do it because we care for our fellow man. That feels great!

The problem comes in when we’re so busy taking care of others that we don’t have time to take care of ourselves. When it reaches this point, life can get stressful and overwhelming.

Also, bullies, users, and abusers will take notice and try to exploit our generosity, taking our kindness for being weak and gullible.

These are things we much watch out for.

Realize that you only have so much of these commodities. Use them wisely and don’t waste any of them on people don’t deserve them or haven’t earned them (i.e. bullies, abusers, anyone who takes you for granted).

7. You forgo the risks of saying no because You have low-self-esteem.

When you have a low self-image, you’re under the false assumption that your time, energy, and resources aren’t worth as much as those of others. You believe that you’re inferior to everyone else.

Therefore, you quickly say yes to others when you want to say no. You even give into those who give ridiculous demands.

Many times, you’ll bend over backwards to prove your value. But worth is something you don’t have to prove to anyone. Worth is something that’s either there or it isn’t.

In other words, if you’re a good person, you have value. And if you have value, it’s already there and there’s no need to turn somersaults to prove it.

Here’s another thing. Saying no will actually raise your self-esteem.

In fact,  the more you say it, the higher your confidence will rise until you realize that you’re just as good as everyone else. Also, you’ll find out that your time, your energy, your pursuits, and your dreams are just as important as everyone else’s.

8. You want approval and to be liked by others.

Wanting to be liked and approved of is a natural human desire that’s hardwired in all of us. It’s how we make friends, connections, and allies.

Also, it’s how we nurture our relationships with family and those we love. We try to relate to and find commonality with others to get accepted.

Many times, this is why we say yes even when we’re better off saying no. Understand that, though you may get approval from others if you’re a yes-person, that approval will be short lived.

Why? Because people always come back for more and there will be times when something comes up and you won’t be available for them. Then what?

Therefore, realize that keeping your self-esteem and self-respect is worth a hell of a lot more than getting anyone’s approval. And trust me, any approval that has the fine print of conditions tagged onto it is not the type you want.

9. You feel that the risks of saying no Are too High. Therefore, You give in to the threats and demands of bullies and abusers.

Unfortunately, some people won’t take no for an answer. Bullies and abusers are such people.

These types will move Heaven and Earth to manipulate you into feeling obligated and saying yes to them. They will even resort to screaming and yelling at you, calling you names like, ”selfish, greedy, mean, bitch, asshole, and other derogatory names to get you to comply.

Also, they’ll likely hurl insults, severely curse you out, ostracize you, give you the silent treatment, or try to humiliate you in front of others.

However, see these reactions for what they are, manipulation and retaliation. Put simply, they’ve lost control over you and they’re trying like the devil to get that back!

You must be ready for these people to use these evil tactics to punish you or to make you cave into their demands. They want to make you feel guilty, embarrassed, or afraid.

Because it’s worked for them before. Bullies and abusers hope that you’ll give up and give in to get them to stop abusing you.

But please, for your sake, don’t’ cave in! You must continue to stand your ground.

Realize that, if you give into the bullies’ demands, you’ll only quell their hostility temporarily. Sooner or later, bullies always come back for more and thus, these incidences will become a pattern.

If Nothing Else, Remember This!

Bullies and abusers aren’t dummies. They know exactly what they’re doing. Believe me when I say that your bullies are fully aware that they’re trying to manipulate you.

They know good and well that they’re being abusive and yes, they also know that what they’re doing is wrong.

Therefore, never think for one moment that these bullies don’t realize what they’re doing!

As long as you remember this, it will give you the confidence, courage, and resilience to stand firm against this atrocious behavior. So, call it out for what it is, and hold your position.

Also, once you learn this little nugget of truth, you will be less likely to feel ashamed, humiliated, fearful, or guilty. You’ll see the bully’s behavior as a reflection of their own cowardice, insecurity, and desperation and this alone will make it easier to stand your ground.

10. The Risks of Saying No: You’re afraid of conflict.

One of the risks of saying no is conflict. It’s just how it goes sometimes.

Many people are deathly afraid of conflict. Targets and most survivors of bullying are especially so because they’ve had so much conflict forced into their lives.

 This is why they will make a complete about-face when they detect even the slightest scent of it.

However, you must realize that conflict is a part of life and there will be times when you won’t be able to avoid it.  Also, there are times when conflict will seem to hunt you down like a hungry wolf.

In other words, conflict is something we all face at some point in our lives. It is certain. This is why we must learn to be assertive and say no to people when we need to.

Sadly, for many of those who have this fear, giving into others is a quick and easy fix. Any time the other person shows signs of becoming angry when you can’t be available right that second, you’ll try to assuage them.

Finally, you will retract statements, change your mind and acquiesce. Don’t do that!

Never submit on the belief that surrendering to the demands of another is safer (easier). It won’t be easy. But continue standing your ground. Never allow the other person to cause you to cave in just because you’d rather avoid conflict.

11. Why You Should Face the Risks of Saying No: Because Saying yes to everything and everyone becomes a habit.

Many people have been conditioned to people-please and the longer they do it, the more entrenched it becomes until it becomes instinct. In other words, the brain continues to develop more neural pathways for saying yes too much until you become wired to do it.

 Consequently, once you become hardwired to overdo the yeses, it becomes an automatic response. As a result, you’ll do it without even thinking about it.

Realize that for some, not saying no when they must is a learned response, and it stems from many factors.

Therefore, the 11 factors we just mentioned are either some or all of the roots of your apprehension. The best way to solve any issue is to get to the roots of it.

Put another way, if you know why you have a hard time saying no, you’re more likely to know what to do to change it. And once you get over the fear of saying no and begin asserting your rights, you will feel more empowered than you ever felt before. I promise you!

This post was all about the risks of saying no to help you pinpoint why you fear those risks so that you can know what changes you must make to take back your freedom and autonomy.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2 Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

4. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

5. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

Over Apologizing Trauma Response: 9 Easy Ways to Overcome It

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Do you want to know about the over apologizing trauma response and ways to overcome it? Here are the best ways of overcoming these knee-jerk and often unnecessary apologies that every target of bullying needs to know.

over apologizing trauma response

The over apologizing trauma response, although not a wise response, is all too common in people who suffer abuse or have suffered it in the past. It’s a learned response that survivors of bullying and abuse have learned. Hence the term, over apologizing trauma response.

You are going to learn all about the over apologizing trauma response, why you’re so quick to do it, and what you can do to overcome it so that you can take back your personal power.

After you learn this very important information, you will know when you should say sorry and when you don’t need to. Moreover, you will learn what triggers you to express needless remorse and what you can do to break this self-defeating habit once and for all.

This post is all about the over apologizing trauma response, what triggers you to give one, and what you can do to overcome it so that you can end the cycle of bullying that you endure.

The Over Apologizing Trauma Response

Before we get into the possible triggers of apologizing too much and how to drop this bad-for-you habit, let’s first discuss a little history and the good side to telling someone that you’re sorry.

From the time we’re toddlers, the adults in our lives teach us to apologize when we’ve done something wrong to another person.

When something warrants an apology, it’s actually a good thing for you to give one when you have trespassed against another person. A sincere apology to someone you’ve hurt shows good character and integrity.

Moreover, it brings about healing and reopens the lines of communication between yourself and those you’ve wronged. Also, it helps the other person to heal and thus begins to restore the broken relationship, be they familial, romantic, or friend.

However, too much of a good thing is never good because it can backfire when you overdo it.

All too often, victims of bullying apologize way too much after others have bullied and abused them for so long. Understand that this is a trauma response. In other words, it is a knee-jerk reaction to the threat of danger and that danger is further bullying and abuse.

In other words, people who’ve suffered chronic bullying or abuse many overdo the apologies as a way to avoid conflicts or to preserve their personal safety. They may say “I’m sorry,” before they even have time to think about it. It’s an automatic response.

I want you to understand this right now. If you’re a target of bullying and you have picked up the habit of over apologizing, it’s not your fault.

A means of survival

Know that you are not a bad person for it. The over apologizing trauma response is one you’ve learned over the years as a means of survival.

When people target you for bullying and abuse, they usually blame you for virtually everything that goes wrong in your life and in theirs. This is a form of gaslighting.

Moreover, your bullies and abusers often force you to take accountability for things you had nothing to do with or occurrences that were beyond your control.

As a result, this is why you’ve been programmed to apologize for things that don’t need an apology. Therefore, you’ve gotten into the self-defeating habit of apologizing, thinking that it will protect you from further abuse.

It’s only knee-jerk reaction that comes from extreme fear. They are ways to appease the bullies and make them go away and leave you alone.

But, understand that bullies will only see your unnecessary apologies as weakness. Why? Because you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.

And when you give bullies apologies that are undeserved, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior. Furthermore, you’re giving your bullies exactly what they want and they know it.

But How do You OVercome the Over Apologizing Trauma Response?

1. Identify the triggers that cause you to give knee-jerk apologies.

This is difficult at first. However, if you practice, it will get easier the more you do it. Realize that knee-jerk apologies, or trauma response apologies are given out of fear for one’s safety and to keep away danger.

Therefore, figure out what frightened you enough to want to apologize.

Did the person yell at you out of anger when they overheard you talking about the scholarship your son won (jealousy)? Know that you don’t have to apologize for it because you aren’t responsible for their feelings or their behavior.

Did they pause and give you a threatening glare when you walked into the public restroom (contempt, hatred)? Understand that there’s no need for an apology. You have just as much right to use the restroom as anyone else.

Did the person accuse you of being full-of-yourself when you know that you aren’t? Don’t be sorry for that. The person probably mistakes your confidence for arrogance. Or, they could be envious of your confidence.

2. The Moment You Catch Yourself About to Apologize, stop and Assess.

Therefore, when you catch yourself about to say “sorry.” Stop for a moment and assess the situation and the person you’re apologizing to. This is how you find out whether or not you should apologize.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Doesn’t this warrant an apology?
  • Is this person someone I need to apologize to?
  • Is this my fault?
  • Did I have any control over this?
  • Am I responsible for someone else’s behavior other than my own?

If the answers are no, then save your apology for a person who deserves it and a situation that warrants it.

3. overcoming the over apologizing trauma response:

Figure out who the people are who cause you to feel like you must over apologize.

In other words, step back and notice who always intimidates you to overdo the sorries. This is also how you must train yourself not to apologize when there’s no need to.

Moreover, pay attention to the arising circumstances and context that cause this knee-jerk reaction in you.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Do these people bully and abuse me?
  • Do they gaslight you when you defend yourself or when you assert your needs and wants?
  • Do they yell at you or insult or ridicule you when you are having fun and just being yourself?
  • Do they bully you more intensely when you express your own thoughts and opinions?
  • Do they punish you for feeling angry or sad emotions?
  • Do they ridicule me for asking for help?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you don’t have to apologize. So, don’t!

I can’t stress this enough. When you overdo the apologies, you are wondering into people pleasing territory. Also, your apologies will eventually lose their meaning when used too much for long enough.

Moreover, they can weaken you in the eyes of predatory people. You will become the victim of people who wish to take advantage of you for their own selfish and sick pleasure and gain.

Why? Because you’re sorry for simply existing and taking up space.

Furthermore, when you over apologize, you often do it out of guilt and shame that is unnecessary. Also, it could be from low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and insecurity. In cases such as this, apologies can become compulsive.

4. Don’t beat yourself up for your over apologizing trauma response.

Don’t feel like a failure if you catch yourself apologizing without pausing to think about what it is you’re doing it for. Realize that your compulsion to apologize is a habit you’ve probably developed over the course of many years. Therefore, don’t expect to be able to drop this habit overnight.

The trick is to work at becoming more aware of when an apology is appropriate and when it isn’t. And, more importantly, allow yourself to progress slowly. Never try to rush through this learning process.

Know that it’s okay to make mistakes because you will slip up every now and again. That’s all a part of the process of dropping bad habits.

However, the longer you work at this, the slip ups will come less and less frequently as time passes.

5. Get therapy.

Therapists can give you coping strategies that help you overcome the guilt of skipping an unnecessary apology. So, don’t be ashamed to turn to a therapist if you need one.

6. Read self-help books on the subject of over apologizing.

Many self-help books are available to order and they will successfully guide you. These books are great tools to help you learn when and why an apology isn’t needed.

Moreover, they can teach you, step-by-step, on how to discern whether or not you need to say “sorry.”

7. Respond Accordingly.

If a bully or abuser is trying to force you to apologize for something you know isn’t your fault, is beyond your control, or something that doesn’t need an apology, these are powerful responses.

  • You’ll get over it.
  • You’ll be alright.
  • By the end of the day, this won’t even matter.
  • It’s no big deal.
  • This isn’t a crisis. Everything’s going to be okay.

8. Identify the things you should never apologize for

  • Apologies for asking for help.
  • An apology when someone runs into you and nearly knocks you down
  • An apology when you take a while to respond to a client or loved one because you were busy with other commitments.
  • An apology when you can’t go on a date with your boy/girlfriend because you have a sick family member who’s in the hospital.
  • Apologies for making time for you.
  • Apologies for saying no when you need to.
  • Apologies for walking away from toxic people.

Therefore, understand that in those circumstances, you are not inconveniencing anyone and you are not being a bother. Know that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

9. Make positive affirmations

  • “I am good enough.”
  • “I am just as good as anyone else.”
  • “I have a right not to apologize when one isn’t warranted.

Making affirmations may feel weird at first. However, if done everyday or every time you think about it, the weirdness will subside after a while and you’ll slowly build your confidence.

Avoiding the urge to apologize unnecessarily can be difficult at first and it will feel weird. However, saving your apologies for situations that warrant them will help you to become less a target. It will also make you comfortable with being more authentic. More importantly, it will empower you in ways you never thought possible.

This trauma response comes from a bullied brain. In other words, after people have bullied you for so long, you over-apologize because you’re afraid of being bullied again. But it can only bring more bullying because people will use it against you.

Thankfully, you can get your confidence back and overcome it.

This post was all about the over apologizing trauma response and how to overcome it so that you can feel more confident and reclaim your autonomy and your power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

4. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

5. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

important facts about bullying

Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

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Would You like to know the Most Important facts about bullying? Remembering these truths will help you gather the courage you need to stand up to your bullies and bravely defend yourself against them.

important facts about bullying

There are 3 most important facts about bullying that you must learn if you want the courage to stand up to your bullies.  This can be very difficult, if not terrifying. However, it is an absolute must if you don’t want to waste years tiptoeing around your bullies only for them to keep coming back for you.  These essential truths are those I had to realize before I could muster the courage to stand up to my bullies and finally put a stop to the years-long nightmare I was living in.

Therefore, as a former target and eventual overcomer of bullying myself, I am writing this post to give you the 3 most important facts you must remember about bullies.

Once you learn these truths and keep them in the back of your mind, you will then be well prepared and able to stand your ground and defend yourself much more effectively.

This post is all about the 3 most important facts about bullying, which are truths that every victim of bullying should know.

Here are 3 Important facts about bullying:

1. You can never appease a bully.

Never! No matter what you do to satisfy the bullies and no matter how many times you tell them what they want to hear. You may submit to them and yes, they may go away and leave you alone for the time being. However, understand that the small reprieve bullies give you will always, ALWAYS… be very short lived.

It is because your submission has always worked and given your bullies what they want from you. In your submission, whether it’s telling the bullies what they want to hear, letting them cheat off you during an exam, or allowing them to take credit for your idea, you are rewarding their behavior.

Therefore, anytime bullies get rewards from bullying you, they will always come back for more. And the same goes whether you endure bullying in school, the workplace, or in your community.

Also, your bullies get instant psychological rewards just from your having to constantly creep and tiptoe around them. Why? Because it gives them a sense of power and domination. Realize that bullies are all about power… raw power! And they will never give that up. Not without a fight!

You can never submit your way out of being abused.

I cannot stress this enough. Again, you can never appease a bully. Any attempts to do so will only do the opposite of what you want. Trying to appease a bully only makes you appear weak to them. It then emboldens them to come back for more later because it is the very thing that has been working for them all along!

Consequently, you will spend years jumping through hoops and wondering when your bullies will be back in your face again. This is no way to live, and life is too short to waste one second being an emotional slave to someone else.

You must understand that eventually, you will need to take a hard stand before they will finally leave you alone for good. The last thing you want is to spend the rest of your life being someone else’s doormat.

there’s a reason why this is number one of the most important facts about bullying.

In other words, the only way to permanently deter your bullies is to get tired of it and confront them head-on when they come for you. Speak out against them, to their faces, if need be, and when you say what you must say to them, say it bluntly and mean it! Then, if they respond with physical threats and violence, be ready to hit back and defend yourself.

Sometimes it takes a final showdown before your bullies will finally give you the respect you deserve and go find another target to bully. Think of the movie “Tombstone.”

A band of bullies had terrorized an entire boom town and, in the process, killed one Earp brother and wounded another. Afterwards, Wyatt Earp and his buddies made their final stand, hunting down each member of the Cowboys gang and all but eradicating them, which caused them to eventually disband.

This is not to say that you should go hunt your bullies down, but you get the point.

2. The Second of the most Important Facts About Bullying is That Bullies thrive on your fear of retaliation and further harm.

Know that your fear of retaliation and suffering further harm is understandable because it is a natural human response to danger. So, in no way am I blaming you for it.

However, you must realize that your bullies thrive on your perfectly normal fear response, and they will exploit it every chance they get! And why not?

Your fear has thus far gotten them what they want from you. It has rewarded your bullies both psychologically and, more than likely, materially. So, why would they stop now or ever for that matter?

Understand that rewards feel good! And if it feels good, humans want more and more of it! So, again, why would your bullies stop trying to get more of it? Moreover, why would they stop doing the very things to you that they’ve been doing that have, time and time again, proved to be successful?

Human nature only dictates that your bullies will always come back for more rewards! And they will return to the source of the rewards (you) and repeat the same methods by which they have been successful in attaining these rewards.

And if they have to gaslight you to keep getting rewarded, they will.

For example, if a prospector finds a goldmine loaded with gold and there’s nothing to stop him from stealing it, he’s not going to stop mining for it just because there’s more gold in it than he can carry. No. He’s going to return to the mine later to get more gold. Consequently, if there’s no barrier to stop him, he will keep going back for more until there’s no more gold left in the mine.

if there’s more free gold in the mine, why not go back for it?

People are greedy like that, and bullies are no exception to this rule when it comes to power. You are the goldmine, and your personal power is the gold the bullies keep coming for more and more of. And, each time they return, they will chip away more and more of your self-esteem to get that gold.

Therefore, the trick here is to stop supplying “the gold.” Stop rewarding their behavior and set boundaries! Remember that mine owners usually had armed guards posted to keep it from being robbed by greedy prospectors. The guards are the boundaries for the mine. They protect the mine by keeping the robbers out.

Also, nations have boundaries to keep out foreign invaders. And people should have them as well to ward off others who would otherwise use and abuse them.

In most cases, realizing these truths will make you angry. Then, you will grow so sick of being crapped on that you get angry with yourself for having allowed them to abuse you for so long. Also, you will reach the point where you stop caring how the bullies respond.

In other words, you will be willing to face the possibility of getting beat within an inch of your life, but you won’t care anymore. Damn the consequences!

Your attitude will be, “They may whip me, but I’ll go down swinging and get a few good licks in! I’ll leave a few marks on them and they’ll know I’ve been there!”

You will be so furious that you’ll flatly refuse to live in fear any longer, come what may.

3. Bullies only understand strength and power. They do not understand reason, diplomacy, nor politeness.

You cannot handle bullies with kid gloves. In other words, there are no nice or polite ways to handle them. And you cannot be afraid to set boundaries. Bullies only see niceties, pleasantries, and politeness as weaknesses to exploit and manipulate.

Also, you can never reason with bullies. Bullies only perceive any form of diplomacy and reasoning to be signs of weakness or worse, ploys to manipulate them.

Therefore, you must communicate with your bullies in the only language they understand. You must meet them exactly where they are. When you set your boundaries, you must do it firmly and bluntly. And mean it!

You cannot just set boundaries and expect your bullies to respect them. You must also enforce those boundaries with consequences because bullies will see this as a challenge. And you can best believe they will rise to that challenge.

In other words, they will violate your newly established boundaries just to dare you and to prove to you that they can. And when you do, make sure that the consequences are severe enough to make them stop! The consequences must be so severe that your bullies won’t even want to look in your direction again, much less mess with you.

In short, you earn respect!

You must speak from a position of power and strength.

To put it figuratively, unleash hellfire and put the fear of God in them! Think Hiroshima and Nagasaki after the Pearl Harbor attack. Japan never attacked us again afterwards. We eventually won their respect, and they became one of our closest friends. And we continue to be friends with Japan today.

Here it is, in a nutshell. When you’re dealing with bullies, it’s either put up or shut up.

Again, you must realize these truths before you reach your limit and decide to finish it once and for all. Also, the bullying you suffer may get worse before it gets better. Why? Because bullies always fight the hardest when they know they’re losing their power over you.

Therefore, don’t give up. Stick to your guns. And know that eventually, after you severely school, beat, and humiliate your bullies enough times, they will eventually get the message, give up and go find another chump to jerk around.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

This post was all about the most Important facts about bullying. knowing these truths will help you be more knowledgeable so that you don’t waste any more time spinning your wheels for nothing.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. The Psychology of Bullying: 7 Things that Motivate People to Bully

2. Fear of Setting Boundaries: 5 Reasons You Don’t Stand Up to Bullies

3. Bullying and Gaslighting: 7 Ways Bullies Gaslight Victims

4. Facts About Respect: 9 Time-Tested Truths You Must Know