Tag: control freaks

Never Try to Control Others

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As we know, bullies are notorious for trying to control other people and bend them to their will. And they do it by using fear-tactics, threats, and force. However, here’s the thing they don’t realize.

When you try to get someone to do something, the more they’ll want to do the opposite.

“Parents are fully aware of this law! If you tell your children not to do something, they want to do it all the more.” (“The Like Switch,” by Jack Schafer PhD and Martin Karlins PhD p.114, para. 3)

Bullies are all about making the statement, “I’m right, you’re wrong.” Remember the line in the movie Matilda, by Matilda’s father, Harry Wormwood, played by Danny DeVito?

“Listen, you little wiseacre: I’m smart, you’re dumb; I’m big, you’re little; I’m right, you’re wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

Just imagine how that made little Matilda feel. It only made her that much more determined to do and say what she wanted.

This I’m right/You’re wrong approach bullies cram down their targets’ throats only puts them on the defensive. It inspires them to push back. In other words, it’s only natural for others to protect their reputations, images, and egos. Therefore, bullies only pit other people against them.

But it’s the same when targets try to get others to accept them.

Bullies have bullied them for so long and rendered targets lonely and friendless. Therefore, some targets will often use every trick in the book to win friends. They’ll tell sob stories, fake being ill, dress in flashy clothing and act like they have more money than they do. Bullies and others see through this and get angry. Why? Because they know the target is attempting to trick them into doing something they aren’t ready to do.

Tricks and fakery are also forms of control. The only difference is that they are the passive kinds of control. And people hate being tricked less than they do blunt force. However, trickery is still a type of force- only it’s force without the other person’s knowledge.

Realize that the only person you can control is you. Other people have minds of their own and they will do whether they wish. There’s no stopping human nature. Sometimes you must go with the flow and once you do, you have a better chance of getting the desired outcomes and results.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why Bullies Usually End Up Eating Their Own

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Bullies want to have a target or a victim. In fact, they need targets. To feel almighty and powerful, bullies must have people to dominate and subjugate. And having power over is extremely addictive to them. It’s like a drug. It’s why bullies repeatedly bully their targets over a a long period of time, years even. Because that “drug” wears off rather quickly and it won’t be long before your bullies come back for their next “fix.”

However, what happens when you finally realize who your bullies really are behind the tough facades, they put up? What happens when the masks fall off, and your bullies’ cowardice and insecurity come to light? Oooo! This is beginning to sound delicious, isn’t it?

Here’s what happens. Once the target sees these revelations, his confidence will get a big boost. The target will realize that she isn’t and never was the one with the issues. In this, he will find that it was the bullies who had the issues all along. Then, the target will finally have the courage to give the bullies the old proverbial middle finger and tell them all to go eat a fat one.

Moreover, the power dynamic will take a sudden shift and the scales will automatically tip in the target’s favor. In other words, the person will be a target no more. Remember that the best way to disempower bullies is to empower targets.

Because, once the target ceases to be a target, bullies no longer have power over him. Therefore, the bullies must go search for another target.

The Sudden Power Shift

When these bullies spot several potential targets, they’ll test the waters by performing several tests on these “potentials.” They will test these potential targets by watching them closely and launching subtle attacks and insults just to see how they react. But! What will the bullies do next, when things don’t go quite the way they expect? What happens when the potentials also give them the double middle finger?

Uh-oh, now they can’t find someone they can target! Curses! Now, what’s a poor bully to do? Simple. They begin eating their own. In other words, they turn on a member of their in-group.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Once the bullying in-group runs out of targets on the outside, they have no choice but to turn their bullying inward and start bullying people within their group.

Remember that bullies need a target victim. They need someone to dominate and subjugate to have power because they can’t get power any other way. Without someone to ride roughshod over, to tell what to do, and to exert control over, bullies feel powerless. And you know what? They are!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Whose Life Are You Living? Yours or Theirs?

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Uh-oh! Here they go again! It seems that every time you as much as blink, someone else has got their honker in your business- telling you how you ought to do things, how you should act, telling you how you should live your life and having the chutzpah to think they can make your decisions for you. Let’s face it, the world is full of nosy people.

And if you are a target of bullying, you will have others trying to invade your life, your personal business, and your boundaries. And let me tell you, when it seems that no one will let you lead your own life in peace, life can go from enjoyable to unbearable real quick. That’s why you must be assertive in cases like this.

Understand that you can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t even try to.

Put simply, the only ones you must live your life for is God, your family, your closest and most trusted friends, and yourself.

Too many people care what the wrong people think of them- the wrong people, meaning bullies, toxic people- people they don’t like. Realize that you aren’t living their life, you’re living yours. So, you must make decisions that best fit the situations and circumstances surrounding your life.

You must do what’s best for you, not what’s best for them, or, rather, what others want you to do. Half the time, they don’t even know what they want nor what’s best for them. So, how can they claim to know what’s best for you if they haven’t a clue what’s best for their own lives?

You must do what makes you healthier, what makes you feel good, and what makes you whole. You must do what fulfills you, not other people. Don’t worry about them. It’s up to them to make their lives easier and pleasant. It’s not your responsibility. Just the same, it’s up to you to make your life better, it’s not their place to do it.

There will always be others who want to insert their two cents where it isn’t needed, and they’ll be downright abusive about it. They’ll attempt to order you around or deride you over your life-decisions.

There will be those who will try to run your life and you should be prepared for it. But know that when they do this, they’re stepping out of their place, and you have every right to tell them to go kick rocks.

The old, popular 1990’s idiom, “All up in your koolaid and don’t know the flavor” wasn’t coined for nothing. And the sad thing is that most people don’t bother to lend a hand but they’re real quick to point a finger.

Understand that we each have responsibility over our own lives. Stop trying to spare the feelings of those who insist on sticking a nose where it doesn’t belong. Tell these people to keep their snouts out of your business. Your life is yours to lead, no one else’s. So, stop worrying about what others think and say of you. They may not like the way you live or think, but that’s their problem, not yours.  Your life and the life-choices you make are no one’s business but yours.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies, Abusers, and Oppressive Governments – Why They Want You Dependent

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Deep down, many targets are brainwashed into thinking that they must depend on their bullies for something. It’s true. I know this leaves you scratching your head. You may ask,

“Depend on bullies? For what?”

Here’s your answer:

For approval, acceptance, and to have the ability to make friends.

Bullies

Yes. Bullies want targets to believe they must depend on them to have those things. And it’s how they keep targets essentially begging for it- by dangling carrots of the possibility of winning approval to keep targets under their oppressive thumb and doing what bullies want them to do.

Domestic/Spousal Abusers

Think about it. Domestic abusers do basically the same to their abused partners- keep them dependent to maintain control and domination of them. Only domestic abusers keep their victims dependent on financial resources by controlling the purse strings and shutting down opportunities for the partner to make their own money.

Another control tactic of the spousal abuser is cutting the partner off from their family and friends- people outside the relationship who may help the partner, see the abuser for what they are, advise the abused partner to leave the relationship, and, therefore, threaten the abuser’s power.

Abuse is abuse whether it comes in the form of bullying in school or the workplace, or domestic abuse and psychological manipulation in the home.

Oh! But wait!

Oppressive Governments

Socialist and Communist governments also do the same to their people. They manipulate events and media narratives, and even deliberately crash their countries’ economies to force their people to become dependent on them. They even set up terrorist regimes to beat any dissenters into submission and burn their homes and businesses. And this is nothing new. These tactics have been done down through history!

Though all this, these governments are able to wrest control of their people’s behavior, thoughts, and very lives.

Why? Because, if you can keep someone dependent on you, you can make rules for them to follow, tell them what to do, and have complete domination over their lives. You can force them to put up with the most unspeakable and evil of abuses and ensure their silence by keeping them in fear of withdrawing whatever it is they depend on you for- whether it be approval, acceptance, friendship, love, money, a good living, or even food and medicine to keep you alive.

You can have complete control over every aspect of a person’s life if you can keep them dependent on you for their very safety and survival.

Understand that when control freaks use these methods of control, they strip you of your freedom and autonomy. They keep you too afraid to be your own person, to exercise your human rights. They take away your ability to speak freely, to be creative with your life, and to flourish. They also keep you too afraid to stand up to them, call them out on their abuse, and asserting your God-given right not to be controlled and abused.

The controlling person does this by keeping you under the threat that they will retaliate and unleash even worse pain on you if you don’t obey or you step out of line.

The problem with this is that bullies, abusers, and oppressive governments only get drunk on their own power and are never satisfied. They must always up the ante and take more, more, and more control. Also, abusers tend to be sadistic monsters who live to see others go through pain and suffering, and no amount of suffering is enough for them. They have an insatiable blood-lust, and need to witness the pain of others, especially their targets.

You must realize that bullies, domestic abusers and oppressive governments and regimes have all the same in common- they love to control people and destroy their targets. And how they do it is to make them feel obligated and keep them dependent on them for social, financial, economic, or physical survival!

In their minds, you’re only here for their convenience, their purpose, their agenda, and their pleasure. Never your own.

In summary, always remember that bullies always rely on fear and dependency in others! Always- whether they bully in school, the workplace, the home, or government and politics. And the tactics, although done on different levels, are both universal and timeless.

We may not know it or may have been convinced otherwise, but we have more power over our lives than we know. It’s up to us whether bullies take away that power.

With knowledge comes empowerment!