Tag: conditioning

The Risks of Saying No: 11 Reasons You Fear Saying No to People

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If you’re a victim of bullying, do you want to know exactly why you’re afraid to face the risks of saying no? You know the concept but would you know how to word it if you had to explain it?

the risks of saying no

When you’re a target of bullying, saying no is risky. Bullies use force to get what they want and they don’t take no for an answer. Here are the most common reasons why it’s so difficult to say no when you need to.

You will learn all the risks of saying no to bullies so that you can pick the answers that best suit you and your situation.

After you learn what these reasons are, you will better be able to face your fear of saying it. Even better, you will have the answers you need to conquer that fear.

This post is all about the risks of saying no and what you can do to conquer your fear of saying it when you must.

“No” is such a tiny word but has so much power behind it. It can be intimidating to say to someone and to get for an answer from them. T

Victims of bullying have an especially difficult time saying no to people. And why not? Others have bullied them into saying yes for so long that they’ve conditioned the targets to do it without thinking.

The Risks of Saying No

However, many people who have never been bullied also have a hard time telling others no. Why is that?

There are many reasons:

1.Many people, especially victims of bullying, were raised to believe that saying no is self-centered, rude, and disrespectful. 

When we were children, adults often forced us to say yes. Abusive adults often conditioned us to go against own rights and welfare, or risk worse punishment. It was “obey, or else.”

Many of us grew up during a time when we automatically owed anyone over the age of eighteen respect. It didn’t matter if the adult in question was being fair or not. Neither did it matter if they were self-serving and out to harm us.

Just by virtue of being adults, we “owed” them respect simply because they’d lived on this earth longer than us. We were made to believe we were obligated to give respect to any adult no matter how lowdown and creepy the person may have been.

Sadly, these adults conditioned us this way during childhood and molded us into spineless, submissive adults. As a result, we continue to get used and abused by our partners, family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.

Moreover,  all our lives, people have duped us into believing that saying yes to everything everyone asks (or demands) means that we’re “good people.”  Moreover, we have received the message that being agreeable one hundred percent of the time shows that we’re being “respectful” and that we have “a good attitude.”

Saying No to Ourselves by Saying Yes to Others

Consequently, we only learned the hard way that it’s the exact opposite. What it really means is that we become suck-ups, kiss-butts, and wusses.

However, understand this right now. Saying no means setting boundaries.

If we don’t set boundaries, we only end up with self-esteem that was never given the chance to develop properly. Therefore, we place ourselves at the mercy of bad people.

2. Another Reason You Don’t Take the Risks of Saying No is Because You’re afraid of offending people.

Let’s face it, people, especially bullies and abusers, often become offended with things which aren’t necessarily offensive. Understand that bullies, abusers, and other toxic people have an overinflated sense of entitlement. And they will become infuriated if you have the intestinal fortitude to tell them no.

Moreover, how they react could be downright scary! Look for these people to lay guilt trips on you and tell you what a rude and selfish person you are.

Also, you will feel pangs of guilt because bullies will, more than likely, convince you that you’ve done something wrong.

However, don’t you believe it for a second! See the bullies’ behavior for what it is- emotional manipulation.

You must realize that the offense these people take comes from insecurity and the feeling of rejection. It also comes from feeling entitled.

This is why they take being told “no” so personally. But! If nothing else, know this!

Any indignation or anger the other person feels and displays is neither your responsibility nor is it your problem.

Therefore, walk away from the idiot and have nothing more to do with them. They do not deserve the time of day from you.

3. You’re afraid of letting other people down.

This is understandable. No one who’s a decent person and worth their salt wants to let down another human being.

However, if you don’t save a little time, energy, and resources for yourself, there will be nothing left for you. Constantly putting your needs and priorities on the back burner to accommodate everyone else isn’t healthy at all.

So, begin putting your needs before theirs no matter the cost. If you take care of your needs first, then you can better take care of others’ needs later.

4. You don’t take the risks of saying no because you’re afraid of being thought of as selfish.

Most people care what others think and many, perhaps, a little too much. Although it’s normal to want others to think of you as good, decent, and caring person, too many people feel they must bend over backwards to prove it.

This kind of thinking is unhealthy. It reeks of desperation and only attracts users and abusers who’ll only bleed you dry of time, energy, resources, and self-esteem.

Therefore, remember the verse in the song, “Self-Esteem” by The Offspring? The verse that quotes, “the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care…yeeah…”

Nooo! What it does is make you look like a simp to other people.

5. One of the risks of saying no is that you take people out of their comfort zones.

And that is time you’d rather spend with your family, closest friends, and loved ones. Or it could be time better spent studying your lessons, working on your own pursuits and hobbies, or resting.

There are only 24 hours in a day and if you’re constantly prioritizing others first, your needs will take a back seat and you won’t have time left for yourself and the people who matter most.

Self-care is never selfish. It’s essential! It’s a necessity! Realize that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but that’s okay. So, be okay with it.

Be prepared for some people to call you “selfish” when they hear the word no come out of your mouth. But again. Remember that you’re not responsible for the way they feel or for their problems. And see it as you’ve taken them out of their comfort zones because they’ve grown used to hearing you say yes.

So, embrace it because these people are showing you exactly who they are and who you should eliminate from your life.

6. You want to help others because it’s rewarding.

This is normal and there’s nothing wrong with it. Helping others makes us feel good and has huge heart-rewards.

For example, when we help our family members and friends, it shows them that we love them, and we care about their happiness and well-being.

When we help total strangers, we do it because we care for our fellow man. That feels great!

The problem comes in when we’re so busy taking care of others that we don’t have time to take care of ourselves. When it reaches this point, life can get stressful and overwhelming.

Also, bullies, users, and abusers will take notice and try to exploit our generosity, taking our kindness for being weak and gullible.

These are things we much watch out for.

Realize that you only have so much of these commodities. Use them wisely and don’t waste any of them on people don’t deserve them or haven’t earned them (i.e. bullies, abusers, anyone who takes you for granted).

7. You forgo the risks of saying no because You have low-self-esteem.

When you have a low self-image, you’re under the false assumption that your time, energy, and resources aren’t worth as much as those of others. You believe that you’re inferior to everyone else.

Therefore, you quickly say yes to others when you want to say no. You even give into those who give ridiculous demands.

Many times, you’ll bend over backwards to prove your value. But worth is something you don’t have to prove to anyone. Worth is something that’s either there or it isn’t.

In other words, if you’re a good person, you have value. And if you have value, it’s already there and there’s no need to turn somersaults to prove it.

Here’s another thing. Saying no will actually raise your self-esteem.

In fact,  the more you say it, the higher your confidence will rise until you realize that you’re just as good as everyone else. Also, you’ll find out that your time, your energy, your pursuits, and your dreams are just as important as everyone else’s.

8. You want approval and to be liked by others.

Wanting to be liked and approved of is a natural human desire that’s hardwired in all of us. It’s how we make friends, connections, and allies.

Also, it’s how we nurture our relationships with family and those we love. We try to relate to and find commonality with others to get accepted.

Many times, this is why we say yes even when we’re better off saying no. Understand that, though you may get approval from others if you’re a yes-person, that approval will be short lived.

Why? Because people always come back for more and there will be times when something comes up and you won’t be available for them. Then what?

Therefore, realize that keeping your self-esteem and self-respect is worth a hell of a lot more than getting anyone’s approval. And trust me, any approval that has the fine print of conditions tagged onto it is not the type you want.

9. You feel that the risks of saying no Are too High. Therefore, You give in to the threats and demands of bullies and abusers.

Unfortunately, some people won’t take no for an answer. Bullies and abusers are such people.

These types will move Heaven and Earth to manipulate you into feeling obligated and saying yes to them. They will even resort to screaming and yelling at you, calling you names like, ”selfish, greedy, mean, bitch, asshole, and other derogatory names to get you to comply.

Also, they’ll likely hurl insults, severely curse you out, ostracize you, give you the silent treatment, or try to humiliate you in front of others.

However, see these reactions for what they are, manipulation and retaliation. Put simply, they’ve lost control over you and they’re trying like the devil to get that back!

You must be ready for these people to use these evil tactics to punish you or to make you cave into their demands. They want to make you feel guilty, embarrassed, or afraid.

Because it’s worked for them before. Bullies and abusers hope that you’ll give up and give in to get them to stop abusing you.

But please, for your sake, don’t’ cave in! You must continue to stand your ground.

Realize that, if you give into the bullies’ demands, you’ll only quell their hostility temporarily. Sooner or later, bullies always come back for more and thus, these incidences will become a pattern.

If Nothing Else, Remember This!

Bullies and abusers aren’t dummies. They know exactly what they’re doing. Believe me when I say that your bullies are fully aware that they’re trying to manipulate you.

They know good and well that they’re being abusive and yes, they also know that what they’re doing is wrong.

Therefore, never think for one moment that these bullies don’t realize what they’re doing!

As long as you remember this, it will give you the confidence, courage, and resilience to stand firm against this atrocious behavior. So, call it out for what it is, and hold your position.

Also, once you learn this little nugget of truth, you will be less likely to feel ashamed, humiliated, fearful, or guilty. You’ll see the bully’s behavior as a reflection of their own cowardice, insecurity, and desperation and this alone will make it easier to stand your ground.

10. The Risks of Saying No: You’re afraid of conflict.

One of the risks of saying no is conflict. It’s just how it goes sometimes.

Many people are deathly afraid of conflict. Targets and most survivors of bullying are especially so because they’ve had so much conflict forced into their lives.

 This is why they will make a complete about-face when they detect even the slightest scent of it.

However, you must realize that conflict is a part of life and there will be times when you won’t be able to avoid it.  Also, there are times when conflict will seem to hunt you down like a hungry wolf.

In other words, conflict is something we all face at some point in our lives. It is certain. This is why we must learn to be assertive and say no to people when we need to.

Sadly, for many of those who have this fear, giving into others is a quick and easy fix. Any time the other person shows signs of becoming angry when you can’t be available right that second, you’ll try to assuage them.

Finally, you will retract statements, change your mind and acquiesce. Don’t do that!

Never submit on the belief that surrendering to the demands of another is safer (easier). It won’t be easy. But continue standing your ground. Never allow the other person to cause you to cave in just because you’d rather avoid conflict.

11. Why You Should Face the Risks of Saying No: Because Saying yes to everything and everyone becomes a habit.

Many people have been conditioned to people-please and the longer they do it, the more entrenched it becomes until it becomes instinct. In other words, the brain continues to develop more neural pathways for saying yes too much until you become wired to do it.

 Consequently, once you become hardwired to overdo the yeses, it becomes an automatic response. As a result, you’ll do it without even thinking about it.

Realize that for some, not saying no when they must is a learned response, and it stems from many factors.

Therefore, the 11 factors we just mentioned are either some or all of the roots of your apprehension. The best way to solve any issue is to get to the roots of it.

Put another way, if you know why you have a hard time saying no, you’re more likely to know what to do to change it. And once you get over the fear of saying no and begin asserting your rights, you will feel more empowered than you ever felt before. I promise you!

This post was all about the risks of saying no to help you pinpoint why you fear those risks so that you can know what changes you must make to take back your freedom and autonomy.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2 Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

4. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

5. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

Conditioning: 5 Signs You’re Being Conditioned

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Al’Want to know the signs of conditioning so that you can protect yourself from it? These are the surefire signs to be aware of.

conditioning

Bullies and abusers have ways of conditioning you without you ever being aware that they’re doing it. In most cases you won’t notice it until it has totally changed you and ruined your life. As someone who has been there and overcome it, I’m giving you the signs you must know to stay safe.

You are going to learn about all the early signs of conditioning so that bullies can no longer play these mind games with you.

After learning about the signs of conditioning, you will be prepared and no longer easy to manipulate.

This post is all about the signs of conditioning that every victim and target of bullying should have knowledge of.

conditioning

What is it? In simplest terms, conditioning happens when others brainwash and train you to believe or accept something you wouldn’t normally believe nor accept. Therefore, unscrupulous people will psychologically condition you to believe many falsehoods and accept all kinds of abuse.

This is how people become brainwashed and extreme evil and terrible abuses get normalized.

Therefore, when you’re a target of bullying, bullies will very deceitfully try to condition you to roll over and take their abuse. Also, they will slyly and slowly, over time, “Pavlov” you to believe any lie they say until finally, they convince you to turn on yourself.

Realize that conditioning doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow, incremental, bit-by-tiny-bit process that can also be soft and subtle.

In other words, conditioning starts out small and is barely recognizable when it first begins.  It is at this stage when you must know how to recognize it because, the longer it goes on and the bigger the abuses get, the harder it is to defend yourself against it and put a stop to it.

he one thing that will help you to recognize it is that your body will feel it and you’ll sense it in the vibes the people you’re dealing with put out. Pay attention.

So, how do you know your bullies are conditioning you?

Here are the signs:

5 Signs You’re being Conditioned:

You’ll know by the feelings you have.

1. You begin Feeling guilty for defending yourself, speaking out about the bullying you suffer, and reporting the bullying to authority

This most commonly occurs with empaths. However, if you’re an empath and you aren’t careful, you will likely be used and abused by narcissists, bullies, and abusers.

Remember that sometimes you must put your needs first. Also, there will be times when you will need to stand up for yourself.

You have a right not to be abused and you are just as good as the next person. You wouldn’t inflict pain on anyone else and you should never allow others to inflict pain on you either.

Self-care is never selfish. It’s essential.

Therefore, continue to stand up yourself. Don’t stop taking care of yourself. Because, if you don’t,  no one else will either. Remember that you aren’t responsible for their feelings.

In a situation of bullying, all you have is you and your greatest weapon is your voice. Use it! Don’t lose it!

2. Another sign of conditioning is Feeling that the bullying you suffer is all your fault.

Anytime you blame yourself for the bullying you suffer, you can be sure that your bullies have conditioned you. Therefore, understand this right now! It’s not your fault!

You are not responsible for your bullies’ behavior. Their horrid actions are a reflection of their choices, not yours. Moreover, you cannot control the behavior of another person. The only person’s behavior you have control over is your own.

So, when you blame yourself for being bullied, you are taking responsibility for the behavior of others, which are things you have no control over.

Do not allow them to condition you to believe that anything beyond your control is your fault! It isn’t!

3. You start feeling like a heel for saying no.

Saying “no” can be difficult and at times, even downright scary. If you’re a decent human being who believes in being civil to your fellow man, the last thing you want is to let someone down. However, there are situations when saying yes to someone else is like saying no to yourself.

When you say no, it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, especially when bullies are trying to force you to do something you don’t want to do.

But what if your bullies threaten either physical harm or worse social exclusion if you do not comply with their wishes?

Nobody wants to get hurt. The natural human response is to submit and make the pain, torment, or the threat of, stop. In your mind, you’re thinking, “Alright, alright! I’ll do it if you’ll go away and leave me alone!”

Therefore you fall for the false promises that they will leave you be and stop hurting you. BUT!

Realize that bullies and abusers never make good on those promises. The harassment won’t stop. If anything, it will only get worse.

Why? Because your bullies have benefited from forcing you to say yes. And more than likely, they’ve been getting those benefits for a long time now.

Your bullies never stopped the harassment after all those times you said yes to them before. So, why would they stop now?

Saying no to a bully is never an easy option.

Bullies don’t take no for an answer, least of all from their targets! However, not only is it necessary, it’s essential for self-care!

Therefore, begin saying no, and do it often. However, realize that you can’t change a bully. And if the bullies resist (and they more than likely will), be ready for possible retaliation. And if they do act up, again, it isn’t your fault nor your responsibility.

The only time you should say yes to bullies is if they pull a gun. Otherwise, stick to your answer.

I’ll grant you that saying no is risky. It always has been. Your bullies may threaten you with the business end of their fists and you may come out of it with a shiner and a fat lip.

However, those wounds will heal. But the psychological injury of wishing you hadn’t let yourself down will last for years.

Again, you must say no, even if it makes others angry.

4. another hallmark of conditioning is when You feel like the biggest wuss on the planet.

You know the feeling. When you know you allowed someone else force you into something you neither wanted to nor agreed to. It left a psychological injury that took a long time to recover from.

You ended up asking yourself, “Now, why didn’t I tell those creeps to take a flying leap off the highest cliff head first?” That feeling of powerlessness can be worse than any physical pain you ever suffered.

 In other words, you blame yourself for not standing up to your bullies or abusers. You think that maybe you’re not strong enough, or this enough, or that enough. This is another sign of conditioning.

However, you must know that your bullies act up not because you aren’t firm enough. And don’t think it was because you aren’t any good at defending yourself.

It’s because your bullies are a bunch of pathetic, self-entitled turds. Bullies are abusers and abusers have a talent for conditioning their victims. Therefore, abusers expect the rest of the world to bow down and kiss their behinds and none of that is your fault.

Understand that their behavior isn’t your guilt to carry. Then, begin standing up for yourself and refuse to believe the lies your bullies try to drum into your head.

REPEAT!

Don’t fall for their power plays. Stand up, stand tall, and stand firm no matter what.

5. Your body will feel those icky vibes your bullies are putting out.

In other words. you’ll sense it by feeling that something is “off.” Moreover, you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach. And sometimes, you’ll feel it before the first words are exchanged.

This is, perhaps, the most important sign of all. Why? Because, as mentioned earlier in the post, conditioning is soft and subtle in the beginning. So much so that it isn’t noticeable.

However, here’s your first clue: Your body will tell you if you pay attention to it. Your body, particularly, your gut, will pick up on these sickening vibrations your bullies put out.

Many targets of bullying often mistake this feeling for “just being paranoid” and ignore the feeling. But this is the last thing you should do.

Understand that God gave us all that “sixth sense” or, as it is more commonly called, the “gut feeling” or “instinct”, for a reason.

Therefore, anytime you get a bad feeling in your gut about someone, you are not being paranoid and you are not over-reacting. What you’re doing is picking up on that person’s energy. As a result, your inner alarm is trying to warn you about the person and keep you safe.

You must pay close attention to your gut and to other people’s energy because energy doesn’t lie and neither does your gut instinct!

If ever you catch bad vibes off another person, have nothing to do with them. Instead, get as far away from them as you can and as fast as you can! You will save yourself a lot of trouble, I promise!

This post was all about the signs of conditioning to help you to recognize these indicators early on and protect yourself.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

2. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

3. Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to be Aware of

4. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Power Statements to Use

If They Can’t Manipulate You, They’ll Attack Your Mental Health

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Businessman with wind up key on his back sitting on chair and using laptop computer on city background. Manipulation concept

It’s the oldest and most used tactic in the book! My classmates were no different. Bullies will always come back at you with the “crazy” or “mentally imbalanced” label to discredit you and control how others see you when they can no longer control you and can’t find anything else to pin on you.

It only goes to show that they see you as a threat and they’re both desperate and afraid. When you refuse to be manipulated, it sends several messages to your bullies- messages that threaten their sense of superiority, positions, and their power.

  1. It tells them that you see through their smokescreens.
  2. It tells them that you’re not afraid to tell them to go kick rocks.
  3. It tells them the opposite of what they think of you- that you’re strong and intelligent, not weak and dumb.
  4. It puts them in their place.
  5. It tells them that they can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.
  6. It tells them that you don’t give a crap about what they say or think about you.
  7. It tells them you could care less about impressing them.
  8. It tells them they don’t matter to you and that you don’t value their insults or do you accept their definitions of you.

Understand that bullies have an over-inflated sense of their own importance and thus, feel entitled. They despise being told no and they loathe anyone who will not be controlled. And if they can’t manipulate you, they’ll manipulate your relationships, and the way others perceive you.

Always remember that.

One Situation Where People Are Likely to Accuse You of Being a Bully

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blame point fingers

It’s when you don’t feel comfortable around a particular person. Understand that just because you prefer not to be around someone doesn’t necessarily make you a bully and you may have legitimate and justifiable reasons for it. Let’s face it, we like who we like and we dislike who we dislike.

What if the person creeps you out? What if you just don’t feel safe around the person? What if the person is toxic and constantly dogs your mood?

Naturally, you will try to avoid this person. In fact, no sensible and healthy human being would want to be around such a person. But be prepared for a few clueless others to throw the label of “bully” in your face.

Know that, anytime the internal alarm in the pit of your gut sounds off because you sense that something is “off” about a certain person, you have every right to ensure your own safety. You not only have a right, but an obligation to yourself to steer clear of the suspicious person.

Today, we live in a culture of fruit-bats who are so quick to cry “bully” anytime you listen to your own intuition and avoid a potentially dangerous person. Be that as it may, you still have a right to protect yourself from creeps, pedophiles, rapists, murderers, grifters, and other such nefarious people.

And you can bet that those “clueless others” who judge you wouldn’t stay around someone who gave them the heebie-jeebies either, only they’d never tell you. Sadly, the world is full of hypocrites.

And the unspoken messages these people send are clear:

“Safety and protection for us but not for you.”

“It’s bad when you do it but it’s okay when we do it!”

Don’t let these types of people confuse you. Realize that you don’t have to justify yourself to them or anyone! When you’re only trying to keep yourself safe physically or psychologically, no explanation is needed! And if others unfairly judge you for being uncomfortable around someone, then perhaps, you should really piss them off by adding their names to your checklist of idiots to avoid.

Again, not wanting to be around someone isn’t bullying. You are not seeking to hurt them, you just prefer not to be near them for your own peace of mind. It’s only when we seek to repeatedly and ritually harm that person that it crosses the line into bullying.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

How Bullying Negatively Affects The Targets Performance in School

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As we all should know, bullying can have a devastating effect on grades and class performance. Here’s how:

Anytime you are a victim of bullying, you are forcibly put on constant alert for an attack. It feels as if you have a target on your back and you must grow eyes in the back of your head. You become hyper-vigilant, which breeds anxiety and leads to exhaustion. Not only is the body tired, but also the mind.

When so much focus must be placed on ways to protect yourself and maintain dignity, safety takes priority over studying lessons. How can one concentrate on schoolwork when they’re constantly bombarded with threats, taunts, name-calling, and physical violence? How can a student study and learn effectively when the mind is tired from being stuck in what seems to be a never-ending fight-or-flight mode? It’s almost impossible!

I can tell you this because it happened to me.

In my book, “From Victim to Victor”, I talk about having been on the honor roll before I began attending school in *Oakley (The school I was bullied in). I also talk about the transfer to *Roseburg High School during my senior year and how my grades skyrocketed overnight! After leaving that toxic learning environment and moving to a new school, my grades went from ‘C’s and ‘D’s to all ‘A’s with maybe one ‘B’. I made honor roll again for the first time in five long years!

Here is an excerpt from my book, “From Victim to Victor”, which explains things a little deeper:

bullied victim tortured

“…when anyone, even the most logical and rational of anyone is under a large amount of stress over a long period of time, the glucocorticoids that have flooded the brain and body for so long will cause the atrophy of areas responsible for memory, emotional regulation and ability to maintain positive relationships…”

Therefore, should it be any wonder that the majority of victims of bullying have such poor grades and class performance?

Second, after being told repeatedly and for so long that they don’t and never will amount to anything, victims begin to believe it themselves. A condition, known as “Learned Helplessness” develops and victims simply stop trying altogether.

In conclusion, bullying can affect ALL areas of a victim’s life. Not just social, but academics and achievements as well.

(*Not the real name of the town.)

4 Changes Bullying Can Cause in Targets- Beware!

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Once a person suffers bullying for so long, changes in the brain occur- changes that aren’t good. Here are these changes:

1. The target becomes exhausted and loses the will to fight back. Being bullied is extremely tiring. Bullies know this and deliberately wear their victims down to take the fight out of them and wrest control over their lives.

Although at first, the target may defend themselves and fiercely assert their rights to human dignity and respect, most bullies don’t recognize any human rights but only see self-defense and protection as an affront to their power. They then only double down- intensify the hatred until they mentally and physically exhaust their target.

The target finally loses their will to fight back and acquiesces because he’s just worn slap out and no longer has the strength to fight anymore.

2. He loses the ability to recognize mistreatment. When we’re used to being treated well, we can more clearly see poor treatment and know the difference when it happens. But after so long of enduring bullying, the lines get blurred, and our eyes lose the ability to see aggression so clearly- especially if the hostility we face is subtle. We finally reach a point where we don’t recognize the bullying at all!

3. The target becomes conditioned to accept bad behavior from others. After so long, you come to believe what bullies tell you- that you’re a terrible person and that you somehow deserve to be treated shabbily.

These damaging self-beliefs happen after the bullies, their followers, and bystanders have repeatedly prevented you from defending and taking care of yourself. They have, for so long, drummed into your head that you are worthless, useless, evil, mentally unstable- take your pick. They repeat the same lies over and over until they force you to believe it too.

4. The target begins to punish himself. The victim does this by engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviors. He may hang with the wrong people and befriend those who only tolerate them. Targeted girls may participate in risky sexual behavior or having relationships with abusive partners.

Understand that we must be vigilant to take care of our mental health and self-esteem if we want to avoid these results in the future. Make sure you have friends outside of the bullying environment that you can talk to and that your family is supportive. Do things you enjoy and keep company with positive and uplifting people any time you’re away from the bullies.

Your goal is to balance the bullying you suffer by adding healthy and positive relationships and experiences outside the bullying environment. This balance will soften the blows to your self-esteem and provide a buffer to your bullies’ attacks.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

After Being Bullied for So Long, Targets Can Seemingly Grow Accustomed to It

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bullied caution tape

It’s one of the most heartbreaking aspects of being bullied- enduring it for so long that you finally grow accustomed to it and resign yourself. Sadly, targets eventually grow numb because the bullying has gone on for so long that the attacks don’t even hurt anymore.

What happens it that you get so used to the torment that the more subtle attacks no longer sound cruel. Some people think that targets are better off when they no longer realize they’re being bullied. But are they really?

toxic brainwashing

I don’t know. In some instances, yes, and in others, no. If you don’t react because you don’t know to, some bullies will get bored with the lack of response and leave you alone. But others will only bully you worse because either they know you didn’t catch it, or they get angry because you must be ignoring them.

Either way, there comes a point when the target just says, “F it!” and doesn’t care anymore. In order to survive and keep your sanity, sometimes it becomes a necessity not to give a damn until you can find a way out.

Why You Should Never Believe nor Internalize the Labels Bullies Give You

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We’ve all heard of self-fulfilling prophecies or the Pygmalion Effect. It’s a phenomenon in which our thoughts become things. People also call it the power of expectation.

” What we believe we also become.”

When people (adults at work AND kids at school) are told they are smart and will do well, they usually end up doing just that. Whereas, if a person is told he is stupid and will never amount to anything, he will also live up to what he hears.

Bullying and life – pictured as a word Bullying and a wrecking ball to symbolize that Bullying can have a bad effect and can destroy life, 3d illustration

High expectations= high performance= high outcomes.

Low expectations= low performance= low outcomes.

Understand that bullies are brain-washers. They are repetitious in their verbal attacks, and if you aren’t careful after they have repeatedly suggested that you’re stupid, ugly, or no good long enough, they will force you to believe it too. You won’t even know it’s happening until it’s too late.

‘You see? A bully knows that if you tell a person something enough times for long enough, that person is more likely to believe it.

Understand that bullies do this on purpose. Their goal is to derail you, your goals, and your future by manipulation, to turn you against yourself.

Because bullies know that once they make you believe you’re worthless and can’t do anything right, you will unwittingly and ultimately live up to their expectations.

You must realize that any name a bully calls you, they want you to be. Anytime a bully tells you that you will never be loved, never be successful, etc., the goal is to crush your self-esteem and any prospect for the future.

Law of Attraction on Blackboard with Words

And people want to be right! Bullies want so badly to be right about you so that they can eventually point at you and tell others,

“See? What did I tell you? I told you he was a jackass!”

“I told you she would (screw up, fly off the handle, get into trouble, etc.).

“Uh-huh! What did I tell you? Huh?”

Therefore, should it be any wonder why bullies continuously bombard you with horrible names and accusations? If a person calls you a lowlife, they want you to be a lowlife because they want you to prove them right!

There is a reason why cycles repeat themselves over again! Everything becomes a cycle. What you expect is what you will end up getting. Even worse, it’s what you’ll eventually live up to. Always! It’s only the Law of Attraction at work, and it never fails.

It won’t be easy to do. It’s challenging to think positively and to keep loving yourself when you’re continually having horrible names and negative comments hurled at you from every direction. It’s tough to keep your heart open when the hearts of people around you are closed and locked tight. It feels impossible to love yourself when it seems that everyone hates you. I feel your pain because I’ve been right where you are now.

 

However, you can only break the cycle of abuse and negativity by continuing to love yourself even when it seems that nobody else does, by finding a reason to live when life seems hopeless, and by refusing to lose sight of your goals, your dreams, and most of all, your value as a human being.

Be mindful of your thoughts and always replace any negative thinking with thoughts that are positive.

If a bully calls you stupid, counter his statement by saying something as simple as,

“No! I’m smart! You’re the stupid one!”

You may have to work hard at it, but you can do it.

Learned Helplessness

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When a person has been bullied and abused long enough, they develop a condition called “Learned Helplessness.” In essence, they give up and forego any options they may have to make a better life for themselves.

Many targets and survivors of bullying are stuck in the only life they know and if bullying and abuse are the only things a person knows, they’re likely to stay stuck in relationships and environments that are harmful to them because they’ve been conditioned all their lives to accept it and that it’s normal.

This can happen to animals as well. Here’s a piece from the book, “The Body Keeps the Score,” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M. D.

“Maier and Seligman had repeatedly administered painful electrical shocks to dogs who were trapped in locked cages. They called this condition, ‘inescapable shock.’”

“After administering several courses of electric shock, the researchers opened the doors of the cages and then shocked the dogs again. A group of control dogs who had never been shocked before immediately ran away, but the dogs who had earlier been subjected to inescapable shock made no attempt to flee, even when the door was wide open- they just lay there, whimpering and defecating. The mere opportunity to escape does not necessarily make traumatized animals, or people, take the road to freedom.

Like Maier and Seligman’s dogs, many traumatized people give up. Rather than risk experimenting with new options, they stay stuck in the fear they know.”

This is interesting.

Many targets of bullying have been repeatedly traumatized just like the electric shock dogs in the excerpt. They have been abused for so long that they’ve been programmed to stay in a miserable environment and tolerate more abuse. It’s heartbreaking!

Nine times out of ten, the target is trapped in the bullying and has no chance of getting away from it. They’re trapped in a school they can’t transfer from, or a job they can’t afford to quit. Many parents can’t afford to move to a new area and zoning laws forbid switching schools. Whatever the situation may be, there’s no getting away from the bullying.

When your fight or flight response has been blocked, what can you do? What can you do when you’re prevented from running away or from fighting back? You either fly into a rage and end up committing a serious crime or you shut down completely and surrender to “what just is” or “the way things are”- you give up.

Targets and survivors who suffer from Learned Helplessness have been programmed to believe that there is nothing they can do to defend themselves. They are trained to believe they have absolutely no control over what happens to them.

This is why we should take care never to allow bullies and abusers to drive us to the point to where we give up and become brainwashed into believing that we’re helpless because it will have devastating consequences for your entire life. No matter how others treat us and how bad things get, we must hold on, with everything we have, to our belief in ourselves.

We must hold on to hope and keep our eyes on our goals and dreams. Only then will we be able to truly break the hold any bullies or abusers have on us.

Although you may not physically be able to escape the bullying and abuse you suffer, you still have control over your mind. You still have a say in what goes into your mind and what you choose to kick out of it. So, never allow the words of a bullying abuser clutter your brain. Instead, fill your mind with your goals, dreams, and things that make you feel good about yourself.

Work on devising a plan of escape and stick to it. Then, when the time is right and a door opens, put your plan into action.

Trust me, you’re worth it and you deserve to live drama-free and in peace.

How Bullies Condition Targets to Accept Bigger and More Severe Abuses and Violations

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toxic brainwashing

Gradualism and Incrementalism- drop by drop, bullies start off taking teeny-weeny bites out of the target’s self-esteem. They take it up ever so slowly, step by itsy-bitsy step- so slowly and so tiny that it isn’t noticeable. Yet the target feels something is off, that something doesn’t feel too good but can’t quite put a finger on it. It’s that subtle!

But here’s your first clue: Your body will know if you pay attention to it.

When you meet your bullies for the first time, you will pick up some pretty creepy vibes from these people and you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach. You’ll sense something about these creeps that feels “off.” And sometimes, you’ll feel it before the first words are exchanged.

You’ll sense them watching your every move, scoping you out, studying you like a specimen. Or you may look up from whatever you’re doing or turn around and happen to see, out of the corner of your eye, a few of these people eyeing you from a distance. Then you,ll see them look at each other and smirk and notice that eerie twinkle in their eyes. You might even see a micro-flash or two of contempt.

Don’t ignore this!

Understand that these bullies are sizing you up and probing to see if you respond or how you react.

They’ll then start committing slightly bigger violations. Understand that bullies do this deliberately to soften you up by making the abuse virtually unrecognizable… until it isn’t anymore. By the time it’s recognizable, the abuse is so severe and so out of control that the bullies and their minions can no longer help themselves and don’t even try to hide it anymore. Why continue to put in the work to hide something you’ve gotten away with for so long that there’s no incentive to stop? Right?

By the time the abuse becomes obvious, it’s usually too late because everyone has grown accustomed to bullying the target. In fact, they’ve gotten completely comfortable with doing so.

Close-up of woman in black T-shirt is cracking her knuckles gesturing willful and ready for doing something; or in another side; the bad behavior when in tension; concept of health care and medical.

And once they’ve grown accustomed to harming the target, it’s almost impossible for the target to get them to leave them alone no matter what the poor person does to protect himself.

When the target finally gets fed up and begins asserting themselves, bullies implicitly communicate through their actions that, “we don’t give a damn about your feelings or your pain, you’re a target and we damn well intend for you to stay that way because we get a payoff from it and hell will freeze over before we give up those benefits.”

At this stage, bullies only respond with anger and resentment when the target finally stands up to them. The unwritten message is,

“How dare he!”

PTSD

Bullies are super offended when someone they deem inferior finally grows a spine and they’ll do everything they can to break the target’s will to keep getting their sick, sadistic jollies.

“How dare he even attempt to take away our fun?”

My point is that conditioning starts out small and you must know how to recognize it when it first begins and is barely recognizable. Because, the longer it goes on and the bigger the abuses get, the harder it is to defend yourself against it and put a stop to it.

I can’t stress this enough.

And the one thing that will help you to recognize it is that your body will feel it and you’ll sense it in the vibes the people you’re dealing with put out. Pay attention.

The more you know…