Never Ever Be Put in a Position Where You Need Someone Else More Than They Need You


Ever! Why? Because it’s a trap and you set yourself up to be that person’s prisoner and to be discarded once you’ve served your purpose to them. You will put yourself at the other’s mercy. Anytime you allow your world to revolve around someone because you’re afraid that you won’t find another partner, you’re afraid that you won’t find other friends, or you seek attention because you feel deprived of it, you make yourself a slave to others. As a result, you lose your value in the eyes of others. In short, you make yourself expendable and replaceable.

Understand that people have a tendency not to place much value, if any at all, on someone who’s always readily available, who’s always around, and (gasp!) who’s always chasing after approval and human connection. On the other hand, a person who’s rare, scarce, mysterious, and allusive is usually the one who’s sought after.

Hey! I get it, I understand the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair when you’re being bullied and being thrown under the bus by others who’ve turned on you. And my heart goes out to you. However, the last thing you want is to give away what dignity you have left and to give these people the satisfaction of seeing your desperation. They may disparage you; they may judge you, they may gossip about you, but let them misunderstand you and let them look down their nose at you. Just don’t let them know that their bullying is ruining your life.

Nine time out of ten, the people who do these things to you want to know how it hurts you. They want to see your wounds. They want to see you beg and plead. They want to see you hurt- and hurt badly, because people who want to hurt you want confirmation that their abuse is working and that they have power over you. They want proof that they can determine how you feel about yourself. Most of all, they want you dependent on their say so.

Don’t give them the satisfaction!

I’ve known women with abusive husbands, who let their abusers talk them into quitting their jobs or dropping out of college. And, in doing that, she gave up her independence and became totally dependent on him. After that, he had free reign to do with her whatever he wanted.

My very narcissistic grandfather did the same to my grandmother when she worked for a T.V. manufacturing plant during the mid-sixties. She allowed him to sweet talk her into quitting her job, promising her that he would provide for all her needs and that he’d be a good husband to her if she’d only quit her job. And less than a month after she quit, he sold her candy apple red, ’66 Ford Mustang she had just paid off- behind her back! Right out from under her!

Young brunette woman wearing white sweater gagged and tied with duct tape around wrists, facing camera, hostage concept.

He wanted her to need him more than he needed her. Thankfully, my grandmother eventually ended the marriage.

My grandfather was the same to his oldest daughter, my aunt. He tried to keep her from marrying the love of her life when she was eighteen years old because he wanted to keep her under his roof and therefore, under his thumb. And when she married him, with my grandmother’s permission, but behind my grandfather’s back, he showed up at her new house and physically attacked her.

Why am I telling you this story? Because there’s a point to it and the point is that bullies, whether at home, in the workplace, in any form of government, or at school, want the same thing- they want their targets to need them more than the bullies need their targets.

Bullies in the home want their targets totally dependent on their approval to live in peace.

Bullies in the workplace want their targets to need their approval to keep and enjoy their jobs and to provide for themselves and their families.

Bullies in government, better known as tyrants, want their constituents to think they need permission from them for freedom and to enjoy human rights.

Bullies at school want their targets to depend on their say so not only to enjoy having friends and a good social life, but also for psychological and physical safety.

So, how do we ensure that we never become dependent on another person?

1. If you’re an abused wife, you keep your job, no matter how he may sweet talk you into quitting, no matter how he promises you that he’ll fulfill all your financial needs, and no matter how tough he makes life for you at home, or, if he wants you to drop out of college, don’t.

2. You quietly keep a private stash of money hidden away and keep saving until you can afford to bail out of the abusive marriage.

3. If you’re under the rule of a bully official, realize that the people outnumber this tyrant by the thousands and there is strength in numbers. Find a way to use that against them.

4. If you’re a target of bullying in the workplace, quietly update your resume and begin looking for another job. And whatever you do, find a way not to put the bully down as a reference. And when you find another job, quit!

5. You make friends outside the bullying workplace or school. Just because your bullies and others at work don’t value you doesn’t mean that people outside of the toxic workplace won’t.

6. You may want to take a self-defense class to keep physically violent bullies at bay.

7. You keep your sense of self- continue to value and love yourself no matter how your bullies may mistreat you and degrade you.

Although you can never control how others see you or how they behave toward you, you can control how you see and treat yourself and you do have a choice of whether to keep them in your life or kick them out of it. Remember that your thoughts are free, and you choose the way you think of yourself. You control how you see yourself.

No one deserves to live, work, or learn in an unsafe environment. You’re well within your rights to walk away and never look back, or to at least, make changes that benefit you until you can walk away.

Things Many Targets of Bullying Do Wrong and Why They Stay Targets

Many targets of bullying suffer such vicious bullying and for so long that they’re willing to lap up anything that even looks or sounds like approval from others. They give undue value to anyone’s opinions, even those whose opinions should never be valued.

But when a person is desperate for friends and approval, they’ll latch onto anyone who shows their teeth to them. Worse, they’re willing to kiss butt and eat doody if it means they don’t have to be alone and friendless.

They’ll chase people who don’t give a crap about them and allow people to use them for what they can get from them. They’ll overlook it when their so-called friends stab them in the back.

They’ll even put up with overt abuse. Sadly, victims hold on to people who only tolerate them, which only invites more bullying. Anytime you have to crawl behind people who don’t care about you, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice!

I want you to understand this:

If you feel you must beg anyone to be your friend

If you think you must give them your delicious dessert at lunch

If you believe you have to do someone’s homework for them, give them money or do something that you don’t want to do to win their friendship

If you have to chase someone or go out of your way to get them to see the good in you

If you put up with being abused, disrespected, and humiliated by people who are supposed to be your friends

If you have friends who never have your back, who disappear and always throw you under the bus when trouble comes for you

If you have to force conversations with these so-called friends

In a nutshell, if at any time a friendship doesn’t feel right, these people do not deserve the time of day!

I understand the feeling of deprivation when you’re a target, it’s easy to want and nudge things a little. I completely get that deep ache- that longing to have a friend. And my heart goes out to you.

But you don’t need enemies with friends like that. Ditch these losers fast! They don’t deserve the privilege of being in your life.

When you’re that hard-up for friends, it shows. Anytime you’re willing to put up with crappy treatment to keep from being by yourself, it decreases your worth as a person. Other people see it and immediately think you’re pathetic. You come off to others as clingy and needy. Even worse, the desperate vibes you put out only attracts people who want to use and abuse you, which invites even more bullying and alienation.

Neediness just plain stinks. It is off-putting and repels even the people who would otherwise be good friends. There’s an old saying, “I can do bad by myself.”

It’s a saying I’ve heard for ions and it rings so true. Wouldn’t you much rather be alone than to put up with people who only pretend to be your friends and treat you like garbage? I sure as hell would.

I promise you that if you eighty-six people who treat you less than how you deserve to be treated, your value will go up and you will feel so much better about yourself. Also, either the people you ditch will realize what they lost and come back to apologize, or they won’t.

If they do, it’s your choice whether to allow them back in but understand that you do not have to take them back because some things you can never come back from. If they don’t, it’s no loss to you.

I say this because out of about four hundred classmates at Oakley High, I can count on one hand those I could ever trust again, and that’s without using all five fingers. Other than two or three, the rest of them I could care less if I ever saw again, even if they were the last four hundred people on the face of the earth.

I forgive my classmates, yes. But I will never trust them, and I’d be a fool to have anything to do with anyone I couldn’t trust.

The point is that you must value and love yourself enough to protect yourself and command better treatment from others. If that means being alone and friendless for a while, then so be it.

You deserve people who genuinely care for you, and if you have the courage to get rid of toxic people, life will eventually reward you and bring better people into your life- people who will love, respect you and feel so blessed to know you. It happened to me and it can happen for you too!

Don’t settle for fake friends who use, abuse, and only tolerate you to keep from being alone. Find people who celebrate you. Be friends with people who value you and see the good you bring to a friendship. You’re worth it. Believe it! Believe in yourself!