How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

May 7, 2024May 6, 20245 Comments

Would you like to know how to respond to darvo that bullies use to discredit you when you report their bullying or speak out against it? Here are the most powerful ways you must know.

The DARVO method that bullies use is tricky. Many victims of bullying are at a loss as to how to respond to it. As one who has had this method used on me, I am giving you the most powerful ways to respond.

You will learn about how to respond to DARVO properly and the the best responses that will shut this method down for good.

After learning these points, you will be extra prepared the next time a bully uses this evil technique against you.

This post is all about how to respond to DARVO tactics that bullies use. This is important information every victim of bullying, even narcissistic bullying, should know.

How to respond to darvo:

1. learn what darvo is and how bullies use it.

The first step in learning how to properly defend yourself against any bullying tactics is to learn exactly what each of those tactics is.

What is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Realize that this is a classic reaction bullies make any time the victim calls out their bad behavior.

If you are a victim of such tactics, it is imperative that you educate yourself on them.

Additionally, you need not only memorize the definition and textbook description of it. You must also know what DARVO looks like as it is happening.

For instance, a narcissistic bully may attack you and you may call them out on their rotten behavior. The bully reacts by telling you, “it’s no big deal.” Or, he may say something to the tune of, “you’re making something out of nothing.”

Understand that these are classic DARVO comebacks because they invalidate reality and make you out to have over-reacted. Don’t fall for it. You know what they did and that it was wrong. Therefore, continue to stand strong and stick to your guns.

the bully will project.

Moreover, the bully will become extremely aggressive and attacks your character and credibility. They may even attack your motives and intentions.

The bully may also dissolve into a puddle of tears or begin yelling in anger while attacking you. Bullies are expert at turning on emotions to achieve a desired result, which is to make it look like you instigated their abuse. In other words, they make it look as if they were only reacting to what you did to them.

Also, the bully may use insults, threats, and gaslighting to discredit your description of their abuse. Moreover, they will swear up and down that they’re being unfairly accused and that you are making false accusations against them to cover your bad behavior.

Put simpler, they will accuse you of doing to them the very same things they, in fact, did to you. This is classic projection and you should call it out as such.

As another attempt to deflect, bullies will also try to justify their evil behavior by shifting blame to you.

Understand that bullies do all this to reverse the roles and in hopes that others will see them in a more positive light. Bullies hope that others will see their abuse of you as a reaction to something you must have done to them first. All the while, they are continuing to inflict more abuse onto you.

2. whatever you do, stay calm.

This is an absolute must because your bully is hoping and praying that you will lose your cool. But don’t!

Why? Because bullies will use your emotions as confirmation that you are either cuckoo or a bad person. And, believe you me, they’re masters at this!

Also, they will misconstrue your emotions (crying, etc.) as a sign of guilt. Instead, remain calm and the bully is more likely to be the one flipping out because they can’t shake you.

I have found that by remaining calm and cool, you will drive them completely insane with anger. Therefore, you force your bullies to expose themselves.

Remember the quote in Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.”

“Let the enemy destroy themselves.”

Again, your calm demeanor will arouse not only the bully’s anger, but also their fear. Your bully will be flabbergasted as to why you’re so calm. This will throw them off balance.

Moreover, they’ll flip out and begin yelling, shouting, and cursing. Don’t let this behavior intimidate you because his is what you want them to do to expose and embarrass themselves.

Remember that bullies have big egos and an image to protect. Also, they have an intense need for control. And they will do everything they possibly can to preserve their egos and maintain not only control, but also the image they have long ago crafted for themselves.

Although staying calm can be difficult when bullies abuse you, it can also be most effective in getting your bullies riled and bringing their true natures out in the open. The calmer you are, the crazier your bullies will get until they unwittingly expose themselves through their own behavior.

3. How to Respond to DARVO: Call the behavior out by name.

This is why you must first know what DARVO is, as well as the names of all the behavior that goes with it. This way, you can call it out by name and won’t sound as though you’re rambling.

Rambling makes you sound crazy and less believable. But naming the behavior and stating your case in a clear and concise manner makes you look more credible and makes the bully look unhinged. This is what you want.

For example, if the bully is projecting and accusing you of the very behavior they directed at you, Call it by name. Tell the bully in front of an audience that they’re clearly projecting to try and make themselves look like the good guy and that you are onto them.

If they are trying to justify their behavior, again, call it out. Say to the bully, “Don’t try to justify your behavior because there is no justification for it. Be an adult (or if it’s a child, you can say, ‘be a big girl/boy’) and take responsibility for your actions.”

4. Document, document, document!

This cannot be stressed enough! You absolutely must document everything in detail. Keeping a bullying journal is of the utmost importance, not only if you have a bullying partner at home but also if people bully and harass you at work or school.

Keeping documentation helps you to keep a record of bullying in a more clear, concise, and organized manner. Moreover, it is admissible in court and during tribunal at work or school board meetings.

When you document, always use the 5W Method (What? Who? When? Where? and Why? Also, if possible, How?) This allows your story to make more sense. Also, it effectively calls out any perpetrators and produces possible witnesses.

In other words, write down what happened, who was involved, who was around to see what happened (the names of any bystanders and witnesses). Also, write down when it happened (the exact date and time of occurrence).

Additionally, include where it happened (did it happen in the school locker room? The workplace parking lot?) and if you know, why it happened (was it because you reported your bullies’ abuse of you?) Be as detailed as humanly possible when you document!

How to Respond to Darvo: do your own investigation!

This is how you gather your own evidence. How to respond to DARVO doesn’t include waiting for anyone else to do anything you can just as easily do for yourself.

Never rely on the school or your workplace to conduct their own investigation. This is where many victims get screwed because when entities do their own investigations (if they do them at all) it will only be to their advantage and your detriment.

The reality is that schools, workplaces, or any entities for that matter, usually side with bullies. Why? Because not only are bullies expert at covering their behinds, but also, they are usually stars in the who’s who at school or higher-up in the workplace or organization.

Therefore, always do your own investigation. Documenting is the most effective way to gather your own evidence.

Also, depending on the laws in your state or jurisdiction, you could secretly record the bullying you suffer. Again, make sure the laws in your state allow recordings.

In other words, If you live in a two-party consent state, you must also have the permission of anyone you record. However, if you live in a one-party consent state, you only need your own permission. Therefore, you are FREE to record!

Again, make sure you know the laws in your state before you do this. The last thing you want is for your bullies to have grounds to sue you for invasion of privacy. And you just know they would salivate over that opportunity. So, don’t give it to them.

5. practice self-care

In other words, be kind and compassionate to yourself. Make daily affirmations to yourself. Make I AM statements, “I AM a good person,” “I AM not wrong for standing up for myself,” “I AM lovable,” “I AM deserving of friends, family, and people who love me,” ” I AM worthy of God’s love because He loves me anyway, regardless of what I’ve done in the past,” etc.

And when you make these affirmations, believe them with all your heart.

Practicing self-care also means spending time with the people who love you and who want what’s best for you. Keep company only with those who lift you up and avoid people who bring you down. This is how you nurture your self-esteem and mental health.

Indulge in a good soak in the bathtub with bath bombs or treat yourself to a day at the spa.

Self-care is essential when dealing with this form of abuse.

this post was all about how to respond to darvo so that you can better protect yourself against this insidious form of abuse.

Related posts you will enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

3. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

Acceptance and Tolerance: 5 Best Ways to Know the Difference

May 3, 2024May 2, 202413 Comments

Do you want the ability to spot the difference between acceptance and tolerance? These sure-fire indicators will tell you whether your friend group accepts you or only tolerates you.

If you are a target of bullying and you’ve made a few friends, it can be hard to know whether they really like you or not. As a former victim myself, I’m going to show you the difference between acceptance and tolerance. Also, I’ll use my own past experiences to give you the warning signs you need to watch out for.

You are going to learn about all the good and bad signs you need to be aware of in order to decide whether or not it’s time to walk away and pick better friends.

After you learn about all these indicators, you will be able to spot bad signals when you see them in the future. Then, you,ll be able to walk away without guilt and be more choosy of the company you keep.

The best part is that you’ll be able to avoid the pain fake friends can cause before it’s too late.

This post is all about acceptance and tolerance and the detailed behavioral differences you’ll spot in people who accept and in those who only tolerate you.

Acceptance and tolerance

How do they differentiate?

When people speak of tolerance, you should immediately cringe. Few people find the word very attractive because let’s be real here. The word itself has a rotten smell. To put it bluntly, it sounds downright gross!

Sadly, many targets of bullying are so afraid of being alone that they settle for friends who aren’t friends at all. The people the target associates with may keep the target under the impression that he’s being accepted when, in fact, they may only be tolerating him. And you can tolerate someone without accepting them.

I know a few who assume that acceptance and tolerance mean the same but they don’t.

here’s an example of tolerance

You’re in polite company. The guy sitting next to you, (who happened to scarf three huge bean burritos for supper last night, then put away three eggs for breakfast this morning) covertly eases forth a silent but deadly fart.

You catch the first nauseating whiff. However, you can’t hold your nose nor leave the room without seeming rude to everyone else in the room.

Therefore, you only sit there, trying to keep a poker face, while nonchalantly holding your breath until you’re sure the smell has dissipated. That’s what tolerance is.

Tolerance means that people allow the target to be around but secretly wish he’d go the heck away. And it has a way of seeping through in how they think of the person, how they act around him, and how they behave toward him.

So, what’s the difference between acceptance and tolerance? how do you know you’re being accepted and not tolerated?

1. people will invite you to their social gatherings if they accept you.

On the other hand, if they only tolerate you, they’ll exclude you.
Moreover, you’ll often hear the rest of the group talking about the barbecue or sleepover they had over the weekend. You know, the one that none of them thought to invite you to?

If people tolerate a person, they only permit having them around when there’s no other choice. In other words, they allow the person to be around because there’s no way they can make them go away or say anything without looking like a heel.

When the tolerated person is present, the rest just grin and bear it.

Show these morons you have a modicum of self-respect and walk away. You don’t need them.

2. if they accept you, you will be included in all group conversations.

On the other hand, if you’re only tolerated, you will notice the other members of your so-called friend group communicating with every other member except you.

Therefore, you will feel left out. And, to be brutally honest here, this is how they want you to feel. Why? Because these people are praying to the Good Lord above that you’ll take a hint and just get lost already.

You’d much rather be alone than to be lonely. Alone is when you’re physically by yourself. Lonely is when you’re among people, yet you’re still alone because to them, you don’t exist.

You can be alone but not be lonely and it’s okay to be alone. Realize that if you ever feel lonely and you’re in a group, that’s the time to tell them to go kick rocks and be on your way.

Here are other things to consider:

By continuing to be around people who tolerate you, you only decrease your value as a person. That’s right. Anytime you must crawl behind people who don’t give a crap about you, you make yourself look like you have no other options.

People who see this lose all respect for you and think you’re weak and worse, desperate. Therefore, your value will drop like a meteor!

Moreover, you’ll risk being used and abused.

Any time you’re desperate to have friends, you’ll settle for any crumb of human connection. You’ll be willing to put up with shabby treatment just to keep from being alone.

Users and abusers will take notice of this and hang around only to get something from you. And those who are decent people and would otherwise be good friends will want nothing to do with you because desperation is so off-putting and only repels them.

Tolerance just plain sucks! For both parties!

It sucks for the others because they don’t want you around but don’t know how to get rid of you without looking like jerks. On the other hand, it sucks for you too because you’re in a place you’re not welcome and in a situation in which they will mistreat and even abuse you.

It sucks for everyone involved because the energy in the room is bad. Therefore, anytime a person is only tolerated, everyone feels it.

Tolerance includes resentment.

Put simpler, it’s gritting your teeth, sitting there with contempt on your face, and drumming your fingers until the unwanted person finally leaves. Tolerance makes you feel crappy because it’s begrudging and there’s suffering on the part of the others.

So, your best bet is to head for the nearest door. Do you really want to sacrifice your dignity by continuing to crawl behind people who refuse to see your worth?

3. the difference between acceptance and tolerance: if they accept you, they will stop and wait for you to join them if you lag behind.

Whereas, if your friends only tolerate you, they will never stop for you.

You will feel as if you’re constantly tagging behind and can’t seem to keep up.

Again, if you continue to chase after these chumps, you’ll only embarrass yourself and further erode your self-esteem. If you don’t have respect for yourself, no one else will either. No one respects anyone they deem pathetic.

You need to muster up some pride and stay away from people who make you feel bad about yourself! Begin rejecting them and have nothing more to do with them. Then watch your value rise again and see how much better you feel about yourself afterward.

The Difference between Acceptance and Tolerance is huge!

Acceptance is sitting quietly and letting the person just be. It’s embracing her good qualities regardless of your dislike of him. Acceptance brings an understanding of the person though the others may not agree with them.

But tolerance is hatred turned inward. We accept those we merely dislike. However, we only tolerate people we find disgusting and abhorrent.

With that said, understand that you don’t deserve to be around the people who only tolerate you. Better yet, they don’t deserve the privilege of even being in your presence.

4. if your friends accept you, they see your value and would never talk trash about you… to anyone… period! Also, they would not allow other members to talk bad about you.

In contrast, tolerance is when other members of the group will voice their hatred of you anytime you aren’t around to hear it or defend yourself.

But you will hear about it later.

If they stab you in the back, it’s time to ditch them. You’d much rather be by yourself than to simp yourself out for people who do not deserve a minute of your time.

5. if they accept you, they will welcome you and make you feel comfortable and at-ease.

On the other hand, if they only tolerate you, you will feel that sickening “elephant in the room” feeling.

Feeling awkward around people is a sure sign that it’s time to bow out gracefully. Understand that this is only your gut trying to warn you about these people. Listen to it!

Realize that there will be people who aren’t worth your time and do not deserve a seat in your life.

Never settle for fake friends who only tolerate you. It’s much better, not to mention healthier, to be by yourself until you meet people who will not only accept you but celebrate you.

This post was all about the differences between acceptance and tolerance to help you to better discern when it’s time to cut ties with people who are only harmful to you.

Related post you will enjoy:

1. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

2. Sings of Gaslighting: 7 Signs You Must Know

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

April 30, 2024April 28, 202414 Comments

‘Want to know the signs of toxic people before you mistakenly interact with them and get burned? These are the sure-fire signs that every target of bullying should look for.

Dealing with toxic people can be a real buzz-kill for even those who aren’t necessarily objects of bullying and bullies are toxic people. So, know what signs to look for and you automatically avoid bullies. As one who has endured bullying in the past, I’m giving you the top signs of toxic people you must be on the lookout for.

You are going to learn about all the signs of toxic people, from backhanded comments, to dirty looks and more.

After learning about all this red flags, you are going to know what to watch out for and be better able to avoid associating with the wrong people.

This post is all about the signs of toxic people that you need to know.

signs of toxic people

1. They give off bad energy.

If you are around toxic people, you’ll feel it in your body if you pay attention. You’ll feel that alarm bells going off in your gut. Therefore, never mistake this as paranoia because you are not being paranoid.

At times in your life, certain people will give you this gut feeling and you won’t be able to explain the feeling you get. The only way you will be able to describe it is that something is “off” about the people you’re around.

You will also get that sinking, creepy feeling in the pit of your stomach and literally feel the bad vibes just oozing off these people. However, you must understand that God gave us all this instinct.

Additionally, there are other names for this as well. Some call it your“sixth sense” or your “intuition.” Again, you aren’t being paranoid or uptight. And you’re not over-reacting. You are picking up on a person’s energy.

It’s only your inner alarm warning you and trying to keep you safe. In your head, that inner voice might admonish you and tell you, “Aw, C’mon! You don’t know that person. At least give them a chance. But your gut overrules your head ninety-nine percent of the time.

Don’t ignore it! It could save you a truckload of pain down the road.

if you ignore your gut feeling for too long, you will become blind to it!

If you ignore this feeling long enough, you will eventually become blind to the terrible vibes and energy bad people exude. ‘You see, the ability to pick up on vibrations and energy is like your muscles. It must be exercised to become stronger. In other words, if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it!

Your God-given gut instincts are the last things that you want to atrophy. In this crazy, mixed-up world, you cannot afford for these things to weaken.

Therefore, you must trust your gut. Especially if you are a target of bullying. Never allow others to convince you that you’re “being paranoid” or that “it’s all in your mind. Never listen when they tell you that you’re crazy for following your intuition.

If ever you pick up bad energy from the people around you, you must get away from those people, if possible. And don’t walk. Run!

So, trust your gut, it might even save your life!

2. They’re fake.

The signs of toxic people also include fakery, and fake people aren’t healthy people. Also, chances are good that they are toxic. Think about it. If they don’t like themselves enough to be for real, it’s a pretty good bet they won’t like many other people either, including you.

Moreover, they’ll try to bring you down to build themselves up.

You’ll notice the fake right off if you look close enough and know what to look for. In the lunch line or the local restaurant, you’ll notice the guy who’s wearing the flashy, designer clothes and see him pull out a cheap, fifteen-dollar wallet to pay for his meal.

Then, you’ll know this guy is a poser.

Or you might see the girls in the school in-clique wear their high-fashion clothes and the name “GUCCI” on their handbags. But a closer look will reveal that the purses hanging off their shoulders are only cheap, knock-offs. Anyone with an eye for detail will notice it by the stitching patterns and thread counts.

When you see this, you’ll instantly know these girls are fake.

Moreover, these kinds of people try to look like they’re rolling in money in order to impress others. This screams insecurity and you should put some distance between yourself and these types.

Why? Because insecure people will try to make you feel bad to make themselves feel better. They’ll bully you for being yourself and try to act as if they’re better than you and most bullies are highly insecure people.

posers can also be fake in their actions.

Posers may or may not wear flashy clothes to impress. There are those who act fake. They may act tough but only turn out to be sniveling little cowards.

For instance, you’ll notice the big tough guy at school always beating up on girls and boys who are much smaller than he is. However, he’ll never go toe to toe with anyone of his equal.

He could be the skinny, buck-toothed, thick-eyeglasses-wearing HR nerd who uses his manager position and college degree to psychologically bully the employees under him.

Also, the posing bully could be a vindictive, domineering office woman who brags about her awesome family or quotes Bible scriptures.

Or, she could be the girl who acts shy and innocent but is really a lying, manipulative little vixen.

Avoid these kinds of people as well. Otherwise, they’ll only use you as a doormat to feel good about themselves or they’ll manipulate you to get what they want from you.

3. the signs of toxic people also include Gaslighting and invalidating others.

These types of people seem to find everything wrong with you and nothing wrong in themselves. Also, they never have anything positive to say.

Gaslighters and invalidators are the type of people that don’t mind dumping on you and making you feel like crap. However, when you call them out on their abuses and manipulation, they’ll invalidate your feelings and punish you for having them.

They will make statements, such as,

“You’re being too sensitive.”

“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“You’re crazy.”

All the while, you know that you’re not.

What’s worse is this person will often put on a gleaming façade of perfection while throwing stones at you and anyone who “rubs them the wrong way.”

They hide their own shortcomings and project them onto you to use you as a distraction from their sins.

But know this. Only you alone know your inner reality. It’s impossible for anyone besides God to be privy to that kind of information.

If someone tells you how you feel, or how you should feel, they claim to know the unknowable. Their unspoken message is that you don’t have a right to feel the way you do.

No one has the right to do that to you. No one! Tell them to take a hike. And if you see them coming, don’t walk, run! These kinds of people aren’t the least healthy to be around!

4. Gossiping and Backstabbing.

If you have friends who talk smack about their other friends to you, then you can bet they’re running their mouths about you to the same friends when you’re not around to hear it.

Moreover, there are also nosy people who are never short of personal and intimate questions about your private life. And those in school or at work who never shut up and always seem to know your business before you do.

Understand that these people are toxic and are bullies too. Their consistent gossip, butting-in, and having a nose stuck in your life is a form of attempted control.

Bullies will often ask you very intimate questions to embarrass or humiliate you. Therefore, anybody who openly asks you such questions has no respect for your privacy.

Therefore, never answer their questions and be very careful what you share. Information you should always keep to yourself are:

1. Whether or not you have a drug addict in your family

2. Any legal issues.

3. Divorce or child custody issues.

4. Any medical conditions

5. Your sex life, or lack of.

Do not divulge anything that is private!

Anytime people ask you questions about any of the above, don’t walk, RUN! These idiots are never to be trusted. In fact, they aren’t worth knowing. Deal with them accordingly and take out the trash.

5. They Love Drama.

These types are always whining, complaining, and always seem to be in a jam. They will blame you and others for their bad circumstances because it’s never their fault. Right?

Also, they are notorious gossips and you’ll often hear them bellyaching when they have to do any work.

Stay away from this person because they’ll dog your mood and be a drag to be around.

Moreover these drama-lovers live to sow discord and division among others. They work as double agents. In other words, they go back and forth between two quarreling people, telling each person what the other said about them just to get them riled up.

Then, when the two quarrelers finally come to blows, these people will then stand back and watch with glee as the two duke it out.

Give these chumps the old heave-ho. Fast!

This post was all about the signs of toxic people to help you easily spot them and avoid them for your own peace of mind.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Gaslighting: 7 Signs You Must Know

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

April 26, 2024April 18, 20248 Comments

Would you like to know the signs of gaslighting so that you can better protect yourself against it the next time it occurs? Here are the most common indicators and examples you need to know.

People can gaslight you without your even knowing it’s happening, which is not only harmful, but also confusing. As a former target of it myself, I’m giving you the sure-fire signs of gaslighting you must know so that you’ll recognize it and be prepared.

You are going to learn about the signs of gaslighting and examples of it as well.

After learning about all these tactics and what they look and sound like, you will better be able to defend yourself against them.

This post is all about the most common signs of gaslighting in both your abusers AND yourself you should be aware of.

The Most Common Signs of gaslighting

1. Bullies deny their behavior.

Denial is one of the most obvious forms of gaslighting.

Often, when a bully or abuser says something to insult you and you call them on it, they will flat out say, “I didn’t say that,” when you know doggone well they did. Understand that this is their way of covering up their behavior by making you look unstable.

Moreover, the bully has the chutzpah to lie and deny even when you present clear evidence of the truth. That’s what makes this form of gaslighting so astonishing.

The goal of this tactic is to cause the people around you to think that maybe you’re hearing things. Also, bullies do this deliberately to cause you to doubt yourself. The bully wants you to wonder if you heard them correctly.

In other words, their goal is to convince you that what happened didn’t really happen. Therefore, they plant seeds of doubt in your mind to trick you into thinking that it is all in your head.

Furthermore, there’s another thing bullies like to say when you call them on their behavior. “You’re only imagining things.”

Additionally, they might say that the bullying you report “is only in your imagination.”

Again, this is denial and it’s designed to make you doubt yourself and to make you look paranoid to any bystanders. And if you doubt yourself, it will inspire others to doubt you too.

Don’t fall for it. Chances are that you heard them correctly or actually saw what you saw. Counter the gaslighting by telling them, “You did say that,” or “I know you did because I saw you with my own two eyes. Don’t even try to gaslight me, buddy.”

Yes, call out the gaslighting. Then walk away and limit any future engagement with them.

2. Bullies questioning your memory IS ALSO ONE OF THE SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING.

Questioning your memory is another slick tactic bullies use to shirk responsibility for their questionable behavior. Bullies mostly pull this number on older adults. However, anyone at any age can be a target of this kind of gaslighting.

For example, when you confront an abuser on something they did in the past, the bully may ask you, “Are you sure that’s the way it happened?”

Just as it is with denial, bullies use this method to make you doubt and question yourself. Consequently, it’s so easy it shouldn’t work. But it does.

Again, don’t fall for this trick. Tell them right away and up front that your memory is just fine and that they’re only gaslighting you to cover their own butts. Also, when you tell them, do it with conviction. Then, again, walk away and have no further association with them.

3. They trivialize the way you feel or what you experienced

This is yet another tactic designed to make you look immature or mentally imbalanced.

For instance, you may report a bully for bullying you at school or a perverted boss at work for making a sexually suggestive comment to you. As a result, they may counter your complaint by making statements like:

“You’re just being a crybaby”

“You’re too sensitive. You need to toughen up a little.”

“Oh, shut up!”

“Awww, stop whining.”

“You need to lighten up.”

Bullies do this to embarrass and shame you into silence while, at the same time, covering themselves by minimizing their own behavior. In other words, they use shame and embarrassment, hoping you’ll shut up and allow them to keep abusing you.

They employ this tactic to cause others to doubt you too. When others don’t believe you and choose to side with your bullies, it’s even tougher to know when someone is gaslighting you.

Moreover, when others agree with them, you’ll feel even more compelled to keep your mouth shut and go along with it. The reason for this compulsion is fear.

Bullies and abusers hope you’re afraid that if you don’t clam up, you’ll only suffer more abuse as punishment for daring to open your mouth.

However, don’t stay silent. Keep speaking out and do it calmly but with a strong voice.

Never apologize for feeling hurt or angry at someone else’s abuse! Never! In these situations, you have a right to feel the way you do! Let no one tell you how you should feel when you know with utmost certainty that you’re being abused!

Just tell them to shove it, walk away, and have nothing more to do with them.

4. you constantly second-guess yourself

The signs of gaslighting doesn’t only show up in your bullies, they show up in you too.

Notice that you’re hyper-self-aware, self-conscious, and always on guard. You self-monitor to make sure you do and say the right thing.

Furthermore, you say something, make a judgement call, or make a choice, then turn right around and begin wondering if you said the right thing or made the right decision. You’re confused all the time.

Should I do this or should I do that? Should I say it like this or like that? Do I make this choice or that?

Gaslighting does this to it’s victims. Understand that this is no way to live.

You can only solve this problem when you stop worrying about what others think and know that your first instinct is usually the correct one. Also, cut the toxic people out of your life.

5. One of the main signs of gaslighting: you constantly bend knee to keep from being further gaslighted

When bullies gaslight you on the daily, it can be tempting to apologize way too much. Again, understand that when bullies gaslight you they re-victimize you by countering you for calling them out or reporting them. In a sense, they re-victimize you a second time.

Gaslighting is the main reason why targets are often programmed to apologize for things that don’t need an apology. And calling someone out on their evil actions is one of those things that doesn’t warrant one.

I understand that the apologies that victims make are often knee-jerk reactions that come from extreme fear of gaslighting. Moreover, the incessant apologies are ways to appease the bullies and make them go away and leave them alone.

However, bullies know this and that’s why they gaslight you and use it to their advantage. They also know that such an apology isn’t heartfelt and that you’re only trying to pacify them and keep them from harming you again.

never give an unwarranted apology.

As tempting as it is, you should never apologize for confronting anyone over their abuse because, when you do, you only take away your own power and hand it over to your bullies.

On the other hand, when you refuse to apologize where an apology isn’t needed, it’s a sign of greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power. It also shows that you have more dignity and integrity.

It pays to know when you should and shouldn’t apologize. So, do it only when you should. Not when others think you should.

This only gives the bullies an ego boost and makes you look like a simp.

Doing other things to appease the bullies, such as staying silent and doing what they want at your own expense is also bending knee to them. Because bullies don’t only gaslight you for speaking out about their abuse and reporting them to authority members, they also gaslight you for refusing to give in to their demands.

Therefore, never apologize for calling a bully out nor refusing to do what they want. Also, never cave in and obey if the bully demands that you do what they want. The only chances you have to end the gaslighting is to stand up to it, then ditch the gaslighters.

6. your bullies label you as “crazy.”

This is, perhaps, the cruelest form of gaslighting.

There is nothing that discredits victims like the “crazy” label. Even bank-robbers and former prison inmates get more believed by others than someone whom others have labeled mentally ill.

Labeling another person crazy is too easy because people have a strong tendency to see the worst in others, especially today. The label of crazy also has lots of staying power.

Moreover, mental instability is the most difficult to disprove. Why? Because although your abusers can never prove that you are, in fact, crazy; there’s also no way you can prove that you’re not.

Another reason it’s so hard to disprove is that any victim of bullying will more than likely be an emotional wreck because of the chronic abuse they suffer. And if your bullies can make you look loony, then who’s going to believe you when you speak out about the abuse?

The burden of proof falls on you.

However, know this. Any time bullies and abusers pull the “crazy” card, they do it as a last option. The crazy label is used when there’s nothing else they can pin on you. Bullies use this tactic out of desperation when they know you’re onto them and their true natures are about to be discovered.

Here’s something else you should think about.

when bullies label you crazy, they actually know you’re not.

When bullies label you as crazy, it doesn’t mean they actually think you are.

Remember that bullies are big cowards and if they really and truly thought you were crazy, they they wouldn’t come near you.

In other words, if a person with any common sense knows someone who is factually and legitimately bats*** crazy, their first instinct is to either stay away from the person or walk lightly around them and do their due diligence to keep from setting them off!

Why? Because a crazy person has no filter and no sense of right and wrong. Therefore, they have no reservations about seriously hurting someone or worse.

So, though they may label you as such, they know that you aren’t. What your bullies really think is that you’re weak. They only play the “crazy” card to discredit you.

Always remember that.

To counter this, you must point out exactly what they’re doing and why they do it. Reject the label, and continue to speak out no matter what they may call you. The key to doing this is not to care what people think and eighty-six anyone who sticks you with the label, or any label for that matter.

7. you feel you can’t do anything right.

In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you stay silent and take it, they call you a wuss. If you report the abuse or stand against it, you’re either a bad person or you’re mentally ill.

This is a form of gaslighting because it’s designed to confuse you and leave you filled with doubt. That’s what gaslighting does.

The way to combat this type of gaslighting is to stand strong and never give relevance to your bullies or their tactics. Stand your ground and stick to your guns. Remember the trick is to not to care less what they say or think. Don’t give it any oxygen and put some distance between yourself and your abusers. That’s how you win against gaslighters.

Your bullies may not change their attitudes toward you but they’ll eventually disappear from your life if they can’t manipulate and gaslight you. Why? Because they prefer easy prey rather than someone who makes them work at it.

Also, you’ll feel much better about yourself knowing that you were wise to their games and stood up to them.

this post was all about the 7 most common signs of gaslighting to help you wise up to the mind games and gather the confidence to stand against it and put a stop to it.

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Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

April 23, 2024July 20, 20247 Comments

Do you want to know about setting boundaries and how it can improve your life and your relationships? These powerful practices have changed my life and they will change yours too.

When you’re too afraid to set boundaries, you hand over your power. In that, you doom yourself to a life of use and abuse. But once you lose that fear and begin taking control of your life, I can attest that things will make a dramatic change for the better.

You are going to learn about the importance of setting boundaries and the best practices you can use to do so.

After you learn about all these practices and techniques, you will no longer be afraid to hold your ground when people try to push your limits. Even better, you will take back control of your life!

This post is all about the best ways of setting boundaries that every victim of bullying should know and use.

3 Best ways of setting boundaries

1. If someone violates your boundaries, speak up.

In other words, tell the person to stop and use body language to convey that you mean it. For instance, you could put your hand out like a traffic cop as you tell them to stop. This is good because it will most likely shock the bully.

However, if they keep it up, raise your voice and tell them, “I said stop it, now!” And when you say it, say it confidently and firmly while looking the bully in the eye and giving him a hard glare. Also, make a power pose (hands on hips and feet shoulder-width apart).

The last thing you want to do is to sit or stand in silence and say nothing. You must let the bully know that you aren’t one who will put up with them.

Remember that, In today’s world, bullies and abusers are everywhere and they will violate your boundaries if you allow them to.

Also, remember that bullies don’t respect boundaries because they don’t acknowledge them. In their minds, you’re the victim and you don’t deserve the same human rights as everyone else.

Sadly, many victims of bullying don’t have the confidence they need to set boundaries. They only keep their mouths shut, grin, and bear it while others wipe their feet on them.

Consequently, this only damages self-esteem and overall mental health. Just as you would protect your physical boundaries, you must also protect your psychological and emotional boundaries as well.

It’s your responsibility to put a stop to the abuse, no one else’s

It isn’t your fault if you’re a target or victim. However, at some point, you will need to make a stand. Do you want to spend your whole life being someone’s footstool?

Don’t continue to suffer in silence and obscurity. You should never allow people to use you as a rug. Realize that if people are bullying you, it is your responsibility to put a stop to the abuse, no one else’s.

Yeah, I know you look at schools everywhere and see anti-bullying policies on their websites and “Stop Bullying” posters on their walls in the hallways. Workplaces even have their own policies against bullying.

But the reality is that most anti-bullying policies aren’t worth the paper they’re written on. Why? Because people in authority rarely enforce those policies. Also, in most cases, the institution will only take the bullies’ side over yours. It happens all the time.

That’s why I stress that if a person is being bullied, it’s their responsibility to put a stop to it.

I understand that setting boundaries is not easy. In fact, it’s one of the hardest things to do. Especially after people have bullied you for so long.

They may have brainwashed you into thinking that you’re to blame for their brutish behavior. Your bullies may have even conditioned you to take the abuse and allow them to ride roughshod over you. Or, you may even fear for your physical safety.

However, at some point, you will have to make a choice. You either stand up and defend yourself or you keep taking it and spend your entire life with people jerking you around.

That’s no way to live. So, again tell the person to stop while using body language and facial expressions that match your words. You’ll be glad you did!

2. Say “No.”

And mean it. Put simpler, if someone asks or tells you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, say, “no.” Then, back it up by refusing to do it.

“No” is a tiny word but has huge power behind it.

However, many of us were raised to believe that saying “no” is rude, self-centered and disrespectful.

Many of us grew up during a time when children automatically owed anyone over the age of eighteen respect. It didn’t matter whether or not the adult was being fair. Neither did it matter if they were self-serving and out to harm us.

Nevertheless, the adults in our lives often forced us to say yes. Abusive ones conditioned us to go against our own rights and welfare, or risk worse punishment.

It was “obey, or else.”

As a result, they ended up molding us into spineless adults. We get used and abused by partners, family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.

Why? Because, in the past, we were duped into believing that saying yes to everything everyone asks (or demands) means that we’re “good people.” We got the message that being agreeable shows that we’re being “respectful” and that we have “a good attitude.”

Only we ended up learning the hard way that it’s the exact opposite- what it really means is that we become easy targets for human vampires, leeches and predators.

“No” is not an easy word to say.

“No” is not an easy word to say, especially to bullies, abusers, narcissists, and psychopaths. Why? Because they despise it when you tell them no and, chances are that they will become enraged and retaliate.

However, realize that the offense these people take comes from insecurity and the feeling of rejection. It also comes from feeling entitled. This is why they take being told “no” so personally.

However, you must hold firm even if they retaliate, and even if they use tactics of emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping. Know that any indignation or anger the other person feels and displays is NOT your responsibility OR your problem.

Don’t cave in and eventually, they’ll give up and go find another stooge.

3. when someone physically attacks you, defend yourself.

To put it bluntly, if someone physically attacks you, you are well within your rights to haul off and punch them back. And when you do, do it with all your strength and make sure to go for that booger box. Hitting a bully in the nose will stun them. Then, when the bully is stunned, unload on them.

Physical violence should be a last resort after all else has failed, that much is true. However, it becomes necessary when someone is physically attacking you and the situation calls for self-defense.

Whether or not to hit back is the question on every bully target’s mind these days, especially in today’s climate of political correctness that we find ourselves in. Politicians, the media, and movies vehemently suggest not fighting violence with violence. You’ve probably heard statements such as:

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“Turn the other cheek.”
“Don’t stoop to the bully’s level.”
And,
“Be the bigger person and walk away.”

However, what if your bully won’t let you be the bigger person? What if your bully has you cornered and you can’t walk away? What do you do then?

Also, what would the person making the statements above do? Obviously, they’re not the one who’s bullied and facing a possible beat down. Therefore, what right do they have to make such statements?

Don’t you just love it when those who know so little talk so much, giving you all this free advice?

speak to the bully in the only language they understand.

Furthermore, bullies don’t understand nonviolent means. They don’t understand talking it out, reasoning, politeness, and diplomacy. The only language they understand is brute strength and raw power.

Therefore, you speak to the bully in the only language they understand.

You throw up your dukes and punch the bully’s lights out. Remember, this isn’t about a competition of “Who’s the Toughest Kid on the Block.” It isn’t about any pissing contest.

What it’s about is protecting yourself. It’s about keeping someone else from harming you and it’s also about safeguarding your physical health and well-being.

Also, it may be about survival. I can’t count the stories I’ve read about school fights where bully victims have been beaten to death. These days, there are countless news stories about bullies murdering their victims during a fight.

So, why just let another person use you as their personal punching bag and leave everything up to chance?

This post was all about setting boundaries to help you gather the courage to stand your ground when dealing with bullies and human predators.

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Being a Scapegoat: 5 Insanely Powerful Ways to Put a Stop to It

April 19, 2024April 15, 20242 Comments

Do you want to know the absolute best ways to stop being a scapegoat? Here are the best defenses you must know about.

Scapegoating is the most harmful and alienating experience a person can endure. If you’re being scapegoated like I was, chances are that you’re wondering what to do to put a stop to it. As someone who has been there and overcome, I’m giving you the most powerful ways to stop being a scapegoat that worked for me and others I know.

You are going to learn about the 5 best ways to stop being a scapegoat and, ultimately, take back your life.

After learning about all these smart strategies, you are going to finally take back your dignity and peace of mind.

This post is all about the 5 best ways to stop being a scapegoat that every victim should know.

Best Strategies to stop being a scapegoat

1. Learn what scapegoating is and how to recognize it when you see it.

The first step of defense is knowledge. In other words, to stop being a scapegoat, you must know what scapegoating is and be able to spot it when those around you are trying to make you one.

So, what is scapegoating and who are scapegoats?

According to Cambridge Dictionary, scapegoating is the act of blaming a person or group for something bad that has happened or that someone else has done. In other words, the scapegoat is made to bare the burden of someone else’s wrongs and is punished in the guilty person’s place.

Scapegoating also happens when others take all their anger, frustrations, hurts, and other issues out on you. In essence, they’re punishing you for the crappy hand life is dealing them whether or not you caused it.

Projecting or projection is another term for this type of scapegoating.

Here’s an example of scapegoating:

A football team loses the big game. Afterwards, they blame the bench warmer for the loss, even though it was the quarterback who failed to tackle the opposing player before he got to the goal line, or, maybe another teammate fumbled the ball, which cost them the game.

I’m not real football savvy here, but you get the point.

Scapegoats and scapegoating go all the way back to the Bible days. During the Old Testament, people gave burnt offerings of lambs to cleanse themselves of sin.

During the Medieval Period, being a scapegoat would put a target’s life in mortal danger. Kings used scapegoats to cover their own mistakes and wrongdoings. They would do this by forcing the scapegoats to take the blame for the kings’ screw-up and put them to death.

Executing the scapegoats serve two purposes. It kept them quiet and ensured that the kings continue to smell like roses.

People, especially bullies, do the same today, only in different ways. Also, the scapegoat is always the person who is totally innocent and one who has the least power to fight back.

2. Set boundaries.

Being a scapegoat comes with being bullied. If you set boundaries, however, people are least likely to bully you. Therefore, there’s also less chance of you being a scapegoat.

Setting boundaries is a must, though not always easy, especially if you’re a victim of bullying. However, you must continue to have boundaries, otherwise, others will only ride roughshod over you.

“What is setting boundaries?” you might ask.

It’s clearly communicating to others what you will and will not tolerate and what they can expect from you if they violate one of your boundaries.

It takes confidence to set boundaries, which, sadly, is something a few bullying targets have. Moreover, bullies don’t respect boundaries because they don’t acknowledge them. Therefore, you may need to prepare yourself to fight to protect your boundaries.

But, I want you to know this. Having boundaries is not wrong nor is it selfish. Neither is expressing the freedom to be yourself and asserting your right not to be violated

If you have no boundaries, you get no respect.

However, any time you don’t set boundaries, you give up your rights to be treated with dignity and respect. You end up looking like a simp.

People will only take advantage of you and, over time, they will get comfortable with doing so. Even worse, you will come to be known as the poor sucker that everyone can crap on and attract more of the same from total strangers.

In that, you make yourself susceptible to being a scapegoat and target of bullying.

Being overly friendly, overly accommodating, and too available does not win respect. It will only does the opposite because people will take your kindness for weakness. In short, you hand over your personal power.

Whereas, when you do set boundaries, you enact your autonomy and speak from a place of self-care and self-love. In doing this, you take your personal power back.

when you set boundaries, you take back your personal power

Again, setting boundaries won’t be easy. In fact, it will probably make some people angry. However, understand that if people become angry at you for having personal boundaries, it’s because they’re afraid they’ll no longer be getting the benefits they’ve enjoyed… benefits they’ve been getting at your expense!

Moreover, you not only set boundaries but you also need to enforce them!

You must have the courage to keep setting those limits no matter how others feel or how they react. If your boundaries offend people, tough cookies.

Stick to your guns. Keep fighting for your right to be treated with respect. Show them that you will stand up to them no matter what they do, and eventually, they’ll get tired and realize that you aren’t worth the effort. They’ll go find an easier target.

So, always set boundaries and be prepared to fight to protect them.

3. If you want to stop being a scapegoat, you must refuse to engage with the people who scapegoat you.

In other words, if others blame you for things that happen that are beyond your control, it’s time to walk away for good.

If they try to blame you for something they or someone else is guilty of, refuse to accept blame and tell them to take a walk. Then never speak to them again.

Also, if people are constantly projecting their own wrongdoings and shortcomings onto you, don’t associate with them any longer. They’re a waste of your time.

Realize that you are not a dumping ground for all their baggage. So, have nothing more to do with them. Give them the old heave-ho because they do not deserve a place in your life.

This may be difficult to do, especially if the people who scapegoat you happen to be members of your family. However, if you want to stop this abuse, sometimes, it means making a few heartbreaking decisions.

4. If you want to stop being a scapegoat, you’ve got to Rock it!

Grey-rock it, that is!

Grey rocking a bully means showing no emotion toward their behavior and only giving short, one-word answers to them. It also means to keep minimal contact with them. In other words, you wait long periods of time between seeing them and wait a long time before answering their texts.

In short, it means acting like you just don’t care what they say and having a little interacting with them as humanly possible.

Although this can be easier said than done, and the bully may or may not lose interest and go away right then, it’s a good tactic if your goal is to stop being a scapegoat.

You may have to repeat it again and again before your bullies will get the message, but, if nothing else, you’ll feel better about yourself knowing you finally took back your coconuts and stood up to the creeps.

5. Practice Self-Care and Compassion.

How you do this is to practice making affirmations to yourself every day. Say to yourself, “I am not the guilty party,” or “I will not be a victim of their blame game,” “I am a good person regardless of how they treat me,” or “I am perfectly fine without them.

Also, establish a support network. Choose genuine people as friends and keep company only with those who lift you up. Dress however makes you feel good. Treat yourself to a pampering session at a nice spa or a new hairdo or hair cut.

Do the things that you love doing and that make you feel alive. Work on your hobbies and pursue your goals and dreams. The trick here is to work on you and to give yourself the love and care that others aren’t giving you. Self-care is great because it can help counteract the negativity your bullies throw at you.

This post was all about how to stop being a scapegoat, giving you steps to help you assert your right not to be blamed for other peoples’ behavior or mistakes, and take back your personal power.

A related post you will enjoy:

1. Reasons Why People Bully- 7 Most Common Motives

self-defense, hanging pair of boxing gloves

Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

April 16, 2024October 14, 202411 Comments

Want to know the best methods of defending yourself from bullies that every victim of bullying should know? These are the successful defense tactics you need to know about.

Defending yourself from bullies can be terrifying and if you’re anything like me, you’re researching ways to protect yourself properly. Having once been right where you are now, I’m giving you the most successful self-protection techniques you need to know and that I and many other overcomers of bullying swear by.

You will learn all about defending yourself from bullies, using best remedies that I and several other targets have taken to free ourselves from bullying once and for all.

After learning about all these strategies, you are going to be able to successfully counter your bullies’ attacks and take back control over your life.

This post is all about defending yourself from bullies, providing you the steps that every young victim of bullying must know.

Defending yourself from bullies and how you do it.

1. Know Your enemy.

This requires that you stand back and OBSERVE the people around you but without looking like you are watching them. Pay close attention to body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. I can’t stress enough the importance of this.

This is how you find out who the trouble makers are. If you see another person gossip and make trouble for others, you can be sure they will do the same to you. This is how you avoid bullies and save yourself a ton of drama.

2. Document everything!

Defending yourself from bullies also demands that you keep a journal and write down every bullying incident. Documenting each and every occurrence serves two purposes:

a. It establishes a written record, which is evidence that is admissible in court in case you decide to sue for damages.

b. Also, it allows you to keep everything organized and explain your side of the story in a clear and intelligible manner. In other words, it keeps you from rambling when reporting the bullying to a school official or company manager.

Always record the incidents using the 5-W method (What, Who, When, Where, Why, and sometimes How). In other words, you must write down the names of not only your bullies, but anyone present when the altercation took place.

Write down what happened and, include the names of authority members (teachers, principal, or any member of authority) present at the time of the incident.

You should also record the date and exact time. Very important!

Don’t forget to jot down where it happened. what happened and if possible, why it happened. Also, record what is said and by whom. Document every… single… detail!!

There will be more on the 5-W method of documentation in a future post.

3. Defending yourself from bullies means that you Don’t reveal any information about yourself that you would not want to be told.

Never share anything private about yourself to anyone, including your friends. In other words, your business is your business and no one else’s.

Besides, you never know if your friend has another friend who is either your enemy or is somehow closely connected to one of your bullies. Also, if you are the target of bullies, you can be sure that your bullies will, at some point, either try to pry information about you out of your friends or they will turn your friends against you altogether.

Therefore, keep your private business to yourself.

4. Keep a low profile.

Don’t do anything that may undue attention to yourself. Also, stay away from places the bullies may gather.

Think, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Just don’t make it obvious to your bullies that you are ducking and dodging them. I avoided several confrontations by simply laying low.

Lastly, know that avoiding toxic bullies is not cowardice, it’s smarts.

5. Save any threatening texts, emails, and/or voice mails for evidence.

if possible, set your cellphone to record during any altercation brought on by a bully, provided it is hidden in your pocket. You certainly do not want the bully to know what you are doing.

Furthermore, keep your composure and be sure not to tarnish the recording by yelling or using foul language. The last thing you want is to give your bullies ammunition to do the old DARVO switcheroo and make you out to be the bully.

If you happen not to have a cellphone, keep a digital recorder handy (if possible) and be ready to record as soon as the torment starts.

However, before you record the bullying, make absolute sure you know the laws in your state concerning recordings. In some states, recording of others are against the law and your bullies would love nothing more than to have an excuse to sue you.

Again, make sure you get abreast to the laws in your state!

6. Defending yourself from bullies also means to never brag about any evidence you have against your bullies.

It just isn’t smart. Again, bullies have a knack for prying information out of people, even your friends.

Moreover, they can also turn your friends against you, making them more than happy to volunteer the information. Don’t do it!

Anytime you are a target of bullies, you are in no position to trust anyone!

7. Call the bully out in front of an audience, especially those in authority.

This is risky and could bring retaliation later. However, the bullies will also know that you are on to them and you just might intimidate them enough that they will leave you alone.

This happened for me on a few occasions. However, keep in mind that this doesn’t happen for everyone.

Calling the bullies out in front of people can also have the opposite effect. Bullies absolutely despise humiliation, especially by anyone they deem inferior and they will only be that much more determined to get you.

So, pick and choose your battles wisely. Access the bully’s personality and the situation carefully before you decide to do this.

8. Have a strong set of beliefs and principles.

Defending yourself from bullies doesn’t only take physical strength, it takes a lot of mental toughness as well. When you have a strong set of beliefs and principles, you’re least likely to fall for lies and name-calling your bullies try to bombard you with.

Therefore, you’re least likely to allow them to influence how you see yourself or to cause you to make decisions and choices based on their approval. Instead, you will do what you know is best for you and what makes you feel happier and most alive.

9. be okay with who you are.

This is, perhaps, the most fundamental rule of all because, when you aren’t comfortable with yourself, you will be least likely to defend yourself. Realize that you are perfect just the way The Creator made you.

However, don’t confuse low self-esteem with the desire to improve yourself. Know that it’s okay if you strive for self-betterment.

We all have goals and aspirations. That goes for you, me, and everyone. The problem comes when you allow others’ opinions of you to change the way you view yourself.

Never put yourself down because bullies and everyone else is putting you down. In other words, no matter what they say or how they act toward you, do not, under any circumstances, lose sight of your worth.

Continue to value yourself and refrain from thinking that you should be like someone else. You are you. Be okay with it.

The trick is to practice self-acceptance and self-love while you improve.

10. walk away from All toxic people

Toxic people, AKA bullies, abusers, users, and losers, serve no purpose but to bring you down and keep you there. These people can also be fakes who pose as your friends.

Therefore, know that anyone who even subtly insults, guilt trips, or gaslights you does not deserve one micro-second of your time. You’d much rather be alone than with fake friends who throw zingers and backhanded compliments your way.

You’ll be much happier and at ease without them in your life. You’d much rather be alone than with people who make you feel like you don’t belong. So, be patient and better friends will come along. I promise you!

11. If a bully physically attacks you, hit them back.

This seems to be the question on everyone’s mind these days, especially in the notoriously politically correct climate in which we live. “Should I hit back if one of my bullies hits me?”

My answer is, “‘Damn right you should!

Although the media, politicians, and even big-name celebrities and influencers vehemently discourage fighting violence with violence, should you actually listen to them?

You hear school officials, managers, police personal, and others in positions of authority make statements, such as:

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“Turn the other cheek.”
“Don’t stoop to the bully’s level.”

And the all-time favorite,
“Be the bigger person and walk away.”

**But what if one of your bullies won’t let you be the bigger person and walk away? Then, what?**

Understand that bullies don’t understand politeness, civility, nor diplomacy. The only language they know is raw power and brute strength. Therefore, when a bully physically attacks you, you have a God-given, primal right to defend yourself from being harmed. I state this with full conviction!

Yeah. I know it isn’t the “politically correct” thing to do. But when someone is harming you, all that jazz about political correctness and being the bigger person goes out the window, and the gloves are off.

The only thing you should think of at this point is how to disable your attacker. Additionally, you want to give them such a bad memory that they’ll never even think about laying so much as a finger on you again.

You aren’t a troublemaker or a brute for this. It’s self-defense and you’re well within your rights to defend yourself when someone attacks you.

Therefore, if a bully hits you first, haul off and knock their block off! And when you do, don’t just give him a love pat. Deck the creep with the strength of your entire body.

Your counter punch should be so hard that you knock the bully down and they have difficulty getting back up. Then unleash a hail of hard licks so that he doesn’t get up. Because once they get up, the person will charge you!

Again, self-defense is not a crime, it’s a right when a bully attacks you.

This post was all about defending yourself against bullies to help you ensure your safety and peace of mind.

Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

April 12, 2024April 8, 20244 Comments

Would You like to know the Most Important facts about bullying? Remembering these truths will help you gather the courage you need to stand up to your bullies and bravely defend yourself against them.

There are 3 most important facts about bullying that you must learn if you want the courage to stand up to your bullies. This can be very difficult, if not terrifying. However, it is an absolute must if you don’t want to waste years tiptoeing around your bullies only for them to keep coming back for you. These essential truths are those I had to realize before I could muster the courage to stand up to my bullies and finally put a stop to the years-long nightmare I was living in.

Therefore, as a former target and eventual overcomer of bullying myself, I am writing this post to give you the 3 most important facts you must remember about bullies.

Once you learn these truths and keep them in the back of your mind, you will then be well prepared and able to stand your ground and defend yourself much more effectively.

This post is all about the 3 most important facts about bullying, which are truths that every victim of bullying should know.

Here are 3 Important facts about bullying:

1. You can never appease a bully.

Never! No matter what you do to satisfy the bullies and no matter how many times you tell them what they want to hear. You may submit to them and yes, they may go away and leave you alone for the time being. However, understand that the small reprieve bullies give you will always, ALWAYS… be very short lived.

It is because your submission has always worked and given your bullies what they want from you. In your submission, whether it’s telling the bullies what they want to hear, letting them cheat off you during an exam, or allowing them to take credit for your idea, you are rewarding their behavior.

Therefore, anytime bullies get rewards from bullying you, they will always come back for more. And the same goes whether you endure bullying in school, the workplace, or in your community.

Also, your bullies get instant psychological rewards just from your having to constantly creep and tiptoe around them. Why? Because it gives them a sense of power and domination. Realize that bullies are all about power… raw power! And they will never give that up. Not without a fight!

You can never submit your way out of being abused.

I cannot stress this enough. Again, you can never appease a bully. Any attempts to do so will only do the opposite of what you want. Trying to appease a bully only makes you appear weak to them. It then emboldens them to come back for more later because it is the very thing that has been working for them all along!

Consequently, you will spend years jumping through hoops and wondering when your bullies will be back in your face again. This is no way to live, and life is too short to waste one second being an emotional slave to someone else.

You must understand that eventually, you will need to take a hard stand before they will finally leave you alone for good. The last thing you want is to spend the rest of your life being someone else’s doormat.

there’s a reason why this is number one of the most important facts about bullying.

In other words, the only way to permanently deter your bullies is to get tired of it and confront them head-on when they come for you. Speak out against them, to their faces, if need be, and when you say what you must say to them, say it bluntly and mean it! Then, if they respond with physical threats and violence, be ready to hit back and defend yourself.

Sometimes it takes a final showdown before your bullies will finally give you the respect you deserve and go find another target to bully. Think of the movie “Tombstone.”

A band of bullies had terrorized an entire boom town and, in the process, killed one Earp brother and wounded another. Afterwards, Wyatt Earp and his buddies made their final stand, hunting down each member of the Cowboys gang and all but eradicating them, which caused them to eventually disband.

This is not to say that you should go hunt your bullies down, but you get the point.

2. The Second of the most Important Facts About Bullying is That Bullies thrive on your fear of retaliation and further harm.

Know that your fear of retaliation and suffering further harm is understandable because it is a natural human response to danger. So, in no way am I blaming you for it.

However, you must realize that your bullies thrive on your perfectly normal fear response, and they will exploit it every chance they get! And why not?

Your fear has thus far gotten them what they want from you. It has rewarded your bullies both psychologically and, more than likely, materially. So, why would they stop now or ever for that matter?

Understand that rewards feel good! And if it feels good, humans want more and more of it! So, again, why would your bullies stop trying to get more of it? Moreover, why would they stop doing the very things to you that they’ve been doing that have, time and time again, proved to be successful?

Human nature only dictates that your bullies will always come back for more rewards! And they will return to the source of the rewards (you) and repeat the same methods by which they have been successful in attaining these rewards.

For example, if a prospector finds a goldmine loaded with gold and there’s nothing to stop him from stealing it, he’s not going to stop mining for it just because there’s more gold in it than he can carry. No. He’s going to return to the mine later to get more gold. Consequently, if there’s no barrier to stop him, he will keep going back for more until there’s no more gold left in the mine.

if there’s more free gold in the mine, why not go back for it?

People are greedy like that, and bullies are no exception to this rule when it comes to power. You are the goldmine, and your personal power is the gold the bullies keep coming for more and more of. And, each time they return, they will chip away more and more of your self-esteem to get that gold.

Therefore, the trick here is to stop supplying “the gold.” Stop rewarding their behavior and set boundaries! Remember that mine owners usually had armed guards posted to keep it from being robbed by greedy prospectors. The guards are the boundaries for the mine. They protect the mine by keeping the robbers out.

Also, nations have boundaries to keep out foreign invaders. And people should have them as well to ward off others who would otherwise use and abuse them.

In most cases, realizing these truths will make you angry. Then, you will grow so sick of being crapped on that you get angry with yourself for having allowed them to abuse you for so long. Also, you will reach the point where you stop caring how the bullies respond.

In other words, you will be willing to face the possibility of getting beat within an inch of your life, but you won’t care anymore. Damn the consequences!

Your attitude will be, “They may whip me, but I’ll go down swinging and get a few good licks in! I’ll leave a few marks on them and they’ll know I’ve been there!”

You will be so furious that you’ll flatly refuse to live in fear any longer, come what may.

3. Bullies only understand strength and power. They do not understand reason, diplomacy, nor politeness.

You cannot handle bullies with kid gloves. In other words, there are no nice or polite ways to handle them or to set boundaries. Bullies only see niceties, pleasantries, and politeness as weaknesses to exploit and manipulate.

Also, you can never reason with bullies. Bullies only perceive any form of diplomacy and reasoning to be signs of weakness or worse, ploys to manipulate them.

Therefore, you must communicate with your bullies in the only language they understand. You must meet them exactly where they are. When you set your boundaries, you must do it firmly and bluntly. And mean it!

You cannot just set boundaries and expect your bullies to respect them. You must also enforce those boundaries with consequences because bullies will see this as a challenge. And you can best believe they will rise to that challenge.

In other words, they will violate your newly established boundaries just to dare you and to prove to you that they can. And when you do, make sure that the consequences are severe enough to make them stop! The consequences must be so severe that your bullies won’t even want to look in your direction again, much less mess with you.

You must speak from a position of power and strength.

To put it figuratively, unleash hellfire and put the fear of God in them! Think Hiroshima and Nagasaki after the Pearl Harbor attack. Japan never attacked us again afterwards. We eventually won their respect, and they became one of our closest friends. And we continue to be friends with Japan today.

Here it is, in a nutshell. When you’re dealing with bullies, it’s either put up or shut up.

Again, you must realize these truths before you reach your limit and decide to finish it once and for all. Also, the bullying you suffer may get worse before it gets better. Why? Because bullies always fight the hardest when they know they’re losing their power over you.

Therefore, don’t give up. Stick to your guns. And know that eventually, after you severely school, beat, and humiliate your bullies enough times, they will eventually get the message, give up and go find another chump to jerk around.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

This post was all about the most Important facts about bullying. knowing these truths will help you be more knowledgeable so that you don’t waste any more time spinning your wheels for nothing.

Reasons Why People Bully – 7 Most Common Motives

April 9, 2024April 9, 20245 Comments

Are you a victim of bullying who has been desperately trying to figure out the reasons why people bully? The first step to overcoming bullying is to know your enemy. Listed below are the 7 most common reasons.

Bullies are unpredictable and if people are bullying you, you probably don’t understand the reasons why people bully. As someone who has experienced bullying and has researched it for several years. I’m giving you the answers you’ve been looking for.

Therefore, you will learn the most common reasons why people bully, whether it’s insecurity, or jealousy, or other motives.

After learning about all of these most common reasons, you will be able to better prepare yourself for the next time your bullies approach you.

This post is all about the most common reasons why people bully that every victim should know.

Most Common Reasons Why People Bully:

1. the desire for Power.

Bullying is all about power, domination, and control. Bullies get a massive rush of power at your expense. Moreover, power is addictive. It is like a drug and bullies can never get enough of it. To bullies, bullying is an aphrodisiac, it feels good to them.

You must understand that targeting others to attack and harm is how some people find meaning in their lives. And the power they get through their meaningless lives is in the mistreatment of their victims. Simply put, bullies bully because they enjoy it!

People crave power, fame, notoriety, and influence, even the best of them. But most people can get those through love and through their hobbies, jobs, talent, and creativity. Bullies, on the other hand, don’t have these things going for them. Some might have jobs but aren’t satisfied in their positions. So, they abuse people to gain the desires they can’t gain any other way.

Without victims Bullies Have No Power

Again, bullies either can’t get those benefits any other way, or they can’t get enough of them. So, for them, destroying the lives of their targets is the only power they have.

Moreover, once their victim is no longer available to them because he’s either quit, moved, or committed suicide, the bullies’ drug isn’t there anymore. Therefore, they search for another target to get their next fix because bullies need authority over somebody, anybody.

Understand that this “fix” always wears off, and it wears off quickly. Bullies consistently need another dose, and another and another. If they cannot find another easy target, preferably someone outside their peer group, they will eat their own. In other words, they will turn on one of their friends in their social circle and target them.

Here’s another thing to think about. Bullies usually pick jobs that give them power and a title. They usually aspire to become politicians, teachers, correctional officers, police officers, supervisors, managers, and the like.

2. The most common Reasons Why People Bully include The Need for a Scapegoat

Many bullies need a scapegoat to unload all their own insecurities on. In other words, they need someone to blame for their own faults and to take all their hurts, anger, and frustrations out on. Always remember this. Bullies need victims because they need scapegoats.

Moreover, the use of a scapegoat is nothing new. People have used them for many millennia!

The idea of a scapegoat comes from the Old Testament of the Bible. People gave burnt offerings to cleanse themselves of sin and they would sacrifice a lamb and burn it.

So, when bullies scapegoat their victims, they use the victim as a sacrificial lamb to project all their wrongdoings and imperfections on. Understand that bullies need targets to blame their stupidity and bad behavior on.

Here’s another example:

During the Medieval Period, scapegoats were used by kings to make sure the monarch’s hands stayed clean- or, more appropriately, looked clean.

Back then, it was common practice to blame and execute scapegoats for the wrongdoings of kings. Blaming them, then putting them to death kept the scapegoats quiet and the kings unquestioned, above reproach, and looking good. Bullies do the same today, only in different ways.

Furthermore, bullying and scapegoating go hand in hand. The purpose of scapegoating is for bullies to project blame and continue to appear as good, upstanding people.

Put simpler, bullies force another person to accept blame for sins of which they, themselves, are guilty so that they can go on living in blissful denial. Sadly, the person blamed is often innocent, has the least power, and is least likely to fight back. The person is then punished and sacrificed.

Remember that bullies are cowards. If you’re a victim or target of bullying, this is a way bullies can avoid any accountability and live in the safely of denial while continuing their evil deeds, causing harm to others.

3. The Desire for Social Status.

The reasons why people bully often include the desire for social status. And usually, it works like a charm. The reason it works so well is that the social status of the bully skyrockets, while that of the target plummets.

For many people, having the respect and admiration of their peers is of more value to their sense of self-worth than money and material wealth. Although one can achieve elevated social status through wealth and material things, it can also be attainable though bullying if the bully doesn’t have those things.

Bullies who are poor will often bully you out of insecurity and the social status they achieve from it is compensation for the money and material things they don’t have. On the other hand, if the bully does have money and material wealth, the social status he gets from bullying is just icing on the cake.

Bullies Who are Poor are Known for These Tactics

However, most bullies aren’t affluent. Therefore, the only way they can achieve social status is by demeaning others and exploiting their mistakes, flaws, and shortcomings. In other words, bullies will take the tiniest mistake, add to it, and make it bigger.

In short, they increase their social ranking by decreasing yours.

But remember this. Bullying is not a healthy way to move up the social hierarchy. A healthy way of increasing one’s social ranking requires some type of achievement, such as joining a positive movement or donating to a charity.

Sadly, the world is, by default, quick to blame a person for any negative qualities or actions while slow to forgive or to give credit for good deeds. Bullies instinctively know this and take full advantage of it.

However, again, you must understand that people who rely on their ability to bully others out of existence to achieve social gain can never achieve it any other way. It’s the only way these bullies can have power.

4. Group Cohesion and Unity Are One of The Reasons Why People Bully

It’s no secret that bullies usually bully in packs.

Therefore, bullies garner support from others who are just like them and who share the same values and opinions. After all, bullying is most effective in group situations, where people unite to serve a certain objective. Bullies never work alone. They always have backers.

There is strength in numbers. Group bullying not only gives talentless bullies a sense of belonging, but it also tightens the bonds among members of the group.

Furthermore, this collective bullying gives them more anonymity. Also, in a group bullies are more successful in bringing the target down than if the bullies worked alone.

This usually requires that the bullying group have a hated enemy (you) that they can unite against.

In Robert Greene’s book entitled, “The Laws of Human Nature,” I once read that everyone needs a hated enemy and that there’s a positive side to having one. I’ve found that with packs of bullies, this is true.

Bullies in groups need an enemy, whether real or imagined, that they can band together and fight against. They need an “us-versus-them” object. Why? Because the presence of an enemy has always served to strengthen group cohesion and unite and tighten members. Groups reflexively focus on their hated target as a means for further solidarity.

You, the victim provide the bullies the assurance that their group always stays together as one. Without you as their victim, their group is weak and things get boring fast.

Therefore, once you leave the scene and move on to a better environment, it won’t be long before they split up and go their separate ways.

However, know this. These types of people are the talentless, the lazy, the insignificant, and the incompetent. They have no redeemable qualities, no personalities, and no real intelligence.

You must see these bullies exactly as they are- empty suits with zero substance. And, once you see them clearly, your confidence won’t take such a big hit when they come for you.

5. To Seek Attention.

Bullies will bully just to get attention. They not only want attention from you, but more than likely, they want attention from bystanders.

In other words, by making you look small, the bully makes themselves look big in the eyes of bystanders who don’t know any better. This goes back to number 3, The Desire for Social Status.

But realize that this is the only way the bully can get the attention he craves. It’s really pathetic when you think about it. This realization alone should give you a confidence boost because you don’t have to resort to such behavior to get attention.

6. one of the common reasons why people bully is also One-Upmanship

One-upmanship is another one of the most common reasons why people bully.

Bullies can’t handle the successes of anyone, especially if it’s achieved by anyone they deem inferior. Realize that a bully’s feelings of power and superiority come by one-upping you, their victim.

Therefore, anytime you succeed at anything, it will undermine your bullies’ sense of superiority.

Realize that your bullies need to be better than you, at everything and when you have a talent you’re exceptional at, it only arouses their jealousy and desire to take you down a few pegs.

So, be prepared for your bullies to look for and find one of your weaknesses and exploit it just to soothe their bruised egos.

Also, look for your bullies will use their social status to one-up you with. Or, if your bullies are athletes and you’re a musician, they may remind you that they’re better at sports than you will ever be.

However, you must know where these tactics come from. Your talents and success are threats to your bullies’ power because they undermine their superiority over you.

7. To Contain Threats.

Bullies always intensify their bullying when you become a threat to them somehow.

For example, you have been bullied by the same people for years and finally decide to break your silence and speak out about it. When you began to call out the bullying and assert your rights not to be abused, you are then a threat to your bullies.

Why? Because you’re exposing their bad deeds before the entire world.

Remember that bullies thrive on the silence of their victims. Once the victim speaks out and provides proof, the bullies risk exposure. With it, they risk losing face and their social standing in a school, workplace, or community.

Therefore, look for your bullies to use tactics against you, such as lies, gaslighting, smear campaigns, and the like. They may even confront you with an angry tirade.

But realize that your bullies are only operating out of fear and desperation. Fear and desperation renders a person not to think clearly. As a result they end up making stupid mistakes and exposing themselves for who they are.

I’ve seen it happen.

This post was all about the most common reasons why people bully and was written to help you see where the attacks are coming from. seeing behind the behavior helps you better prepare your response so that you can buffer your self-esteem and preserve your confidence.

1. A Bully’s Power is Your Lack of Knowledge

2. Bullying for Increased Social Status

3. Why Bullies Need a Hated Enemy to Unite Against

7 Secrets to Instantly Expose Bullies

April 5, 2024August 6, 20249 Comments

‘Want to know how to instantly expose bullies for who they are and get your life back? We must learn how to do this effectively if we even hope to regain peace in our lives and reclaim our personal power.

in this post, you will learn 7 secrets to instantly expose bullies.

Fortunately, there are several things you can do to rip the mask off and keep yourself safe. Introducing, 7 secrets to instantly expose bullies and unleash your power. These are things that I learned through trial and error and wish I had known when I was young and enduring bullying myself.

However, know that there will be a certain degree of risk involved. But also know that you take a risk each day by walking outside. Risk is something no one can escape unless they want to live a meaningless life.

Know your enemy.

How you do this is to stand back and always OBSERVE the people around you, but without looking like you are watching them. Pay close attention to body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. I can’t stress enough the importance of this. This is how you find out who the trouble makers are.

In other words, if you see another student gossip and make trouble for others, you can be sure that in time, they will do the same to you. This is how I now know who to avoid at all costs. However, be advised that avoidance will not work if you have a determined bully after you. If a person wants to get to you badly enough, they will seek you out until they find you.
Document everything.

As it has been said, “if it isn’t documented, it never happened”. Keep a journal and write down everything. I did this in junior high and high school just in case one of my bullies either hurt me bad enough to hospitalize me, or worse…killed me.

Moreover, you must write down the names of your bullies, the names of any bystanders or authority (teachers, principal, or any member of authority) present at the time the altercation took place, the date, time, place it happened, what happened and if possible, why it happened. Also, record what is said and by whom. Document every… single… detail!!

3. Never reveal anything that you wouldn’t want anyone to know.

You’ll be asking for trouble and it’s better to be safe than sorry. You never know when your bullies might turn them against you. And once they do, you can be sure that your former friends will be more than happy to tell all!

4. Keep a low profile.

Don’t do anything that may draw attention to yourself. And stay away from places the bullies may gather. Think, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Just don’t make it obvious to your bullies that you are ducking and dodging them. I avoided several confrontations by simply laying low.

However, if the bullies do seek you out, they will risk exposing themselves because the people who know you and aren’t influenced by the bullies will see what is going on and know they are stalking you.

So, keep that in mind as well.

Save any threatening texts, emails, social media messages or voicemails.

And if possible, set your cellphone to record during any altercation brought on by a bully, provided it is hidden in your pocket. You certainly do not want the bully to know what you are doing.

Also, keep your composure and be sure not to tarnish the recording by yelling or using foul language. Schools are now becoming more aware of the issue of bullying. If you happen not to have a cellphone, keep a digital recorder handy (if possible) and be ready to record as soon as the torment starts.

Never brag about any evidence you have on your bullies.

Not even to your best friend…PERIOD! Again, bullies have a knack for prying information out of people, even your friends. They can also turn your friends against you, making them more than happy to volunteer the information. Don’t do it! Anytime you are a target of bullies, you are in no position to trust anyone!

Call the bully out in front of an audience.

This is risky and could bring retaliation. However, the bully will also know that you are on to him/her and you just might intimidate them enough that they will leave you alone. It happened for me on a few occasions. But keep in mind that this doesn’t happen for everyone.

Calling the bully out in front of people can also humiliate the bully and make that person more determined to get you. So access the bully’s personality and the situation carefully before you decide to do this. Also, you could, very slyly, force the bully to expose him/herself. You can learn how, right here.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

11 Nonverbal Secrets Instantly Wins Friends

April 2, 2024March 25, 20242 Comments

Close to ninety percent of our language is nonverbal. In other words, body language (actions) speaks louder than words ever will. All too often, when bullies have attacked you for an extended period, your self-esteem and mental health suffer. Even worse, people will see it through your everyday body language, and you won’t realize it’s happening.

Consequently, most targets only attract more bullies and bullying because their body language changes with time as they endure daily abuse. The target’s body language will transform from confident to diffident– meaning lack of confidence. This is the reason many targets have few friends.

Why do most targets of bullying have difficulty making friends?

This is because, if others see insecurity in you, you won’t attract healthy people into your life. You’ll only attract users and more abusers. Why? Because, as a matter of human nature, healthy and secure people stay away from people who give off signals of low self-esteem and depression. On the other hand, you’ll only attract predators- people who fake a friendship to either exert control over your life or to get something from you.

Moreover, nonverbal signals, such as lack of eye contact, looking down, fake smiles or no smile at all, make the target appear unapproachable. It’s the same with closed body language, such as crossing the arms over the chest.

charming older woman

It’s not your fault.

Naturally, this is not the target’s fault. It is just something that happens after a person has endured abuse for so long. However, confident body language is something that well-meaning people in your life can teach you. Even better, you can even teach yourself and practice it when you read the right books that teach it. And once you perfect it, you will instantly attract faithful friends and better people into your life.

Here are 11 powerful tricks you can use to instantly win friends:

Smile! And smile genuinely!

Smiling at people shows that you approve of them and are open to friendships. It also conveys confidence and confidence is where it’s at! However, people can easily spot a fake smile and it will only turn them off. A fake smile repels people, or worse, invites more bullying. Fake smiles only hurt more than help.

charming man

Make good eye contact.

When you make good eye contact, you show others that you genuinely respect and are interested in them. People love those who take an interest in them. Therefore, when you’re engaged in conversation with someone, look them in the eye. Just don’t overdo it or you’ll seem creepy. Just find that happy middle.

Stand up straight.

Bad posture, such as slouching and hunching only conveys insecurity and low self-esteem. So, stand up straight and walk with purpose. Also, throw in a few power poses when you stand- feet shoulder-width apart and with your hands on your hips with your thumbs on the front of your waist. This also signals confidence. Also, it can keep bullies away because when a bully sees someone do this, they think twice before messing with the person. Why? Because their body language is signaling confidence and, more importantly, power! And if there’s one thing bullies understand, it is power!

Practice open body language.

This will instantly make you more approachable. Put simpler, open body language means keeping facing the people you talk to and keeping your whole body turned toward them. When you do this, you’re signaling that you’re interested in what the other person has to say.

Slightly lean in when you talk to someone.

Again, this shows that you are fully engaged and interested in what the other person is saying. However, only do it slightly to avoid invading your interlocutor’s personal space. Make sure to do this properly and you will build rapport with the people you speak to. Also, they will be more likely to trust you.

Nod when you agree with the person you’re talking to.

Nodding not only shows that you are listening and fully engaged. Also, it conveys understanding and agreement. Nodding is a very powerful form of communication and often gets amazing social results!

charming kid

Use hand gestures when you speak.

Using hand gestures can help you to think and express your thoughts and feelings more clearly. Moreover, it conveys understanding, energy and warmness.

Relax!

If you want people to feel at ease around you, relax when you’re having a conversation with them. There is nothing worse than talking to someone who seems nervous and tense. It weirds people out big time! Therefore, always relax around others. Having body language that is relaxed conveys that you’re comfortable and confident with yourself and in turn, others will be comfortable and confident with you.

Put away your phone.

There is nothing worse than talking to someone who has their face in their phone, texting. It conveys that they’re more interested in what’s on their screen and not what you have to say. It is downright rude and disrespectful. So, lose the phone when you’re in conversation with someone. It’s just good social etiquette.

charming woman

Be aware of where your toes are pointed.

If you’re in a conversation with someone and your toes aren’t pointed toward them, it only conveys that you don’t want to be with the person and want to go elsewhere. Now, some people don’t think about the feet but those who are the most aware of body language cues will. Therefore, always stand with your feet and toes pointed toward the person you’re talking to. It signals that you want to move toward them, that you’re happy to see them and speak with them.

Make sure your body language is congruent with your words.

This is so important! If you’re saying one thing and your body language doesn’t match, you will come off to others as fake and insincere. As a result, they won’t take you seriously and will be repelled by you. Nobody likes fake. So, more than anything else, be sure that your nonverbal cue are in line with your verbal ones.

When you begin practicing these techniques, they may feel weird at first. However, don’t quit. Practice them every day until they become second nature. Then, watch the magic unfold as people instantly become warmer and more receptive toward you. And you will make terrific friends in the process.

Just as it’s important to know what body language to use to make friends, it’s also equally as important to know what body language to avoid.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

1 Trait That is More Powerful than Perfection

March 12, 20244 Comments

confidence, empowerment, smaller chess piece looking in the mirror to see bigger chess piece

What is more powerful than perfection?

The answer is simple… confidence!

Confidence is THE one key ingredient that everyone must have to succeed in life. When you have it, you have better and more fulfilling relationships, you are more successful in school and in your career. You have more dates, friends, are more likely to have a great marriage and raise confident and successful children.

On the other hand, a Perfectionist is not a confident person and has to work so much harder just to go through life. A perfectionist is insecure with herself and others. She focuses more on herself than others and is always worried about what others may think and say about her. This is why she tries so hard to be…well…perfect.

A perfectionist is both critical of herself and others and tends to have strained relationships because of her obsessive need to be right…all the time…and about EVERYTHING! She thinks that she must be perfect for others to like her and covertly seeks validation from others rather than looking within herself for it. And the outcome is usually adverse.

confident man

Confidence means acceptance.

A confident person realizes that no one is perfect and that they will make mistakes. When that person does make a mistake, she doesn’t make a big deal about it and beat herself up. Sure, she may be disappointed for a short while but she always gets over it very quickly and “bounces back”.

She may even have a few people who do not like her. But being the confident person she is, she doesn’t concern herself with how she’s perceived because she knows that she is awesome and that there are plenty of others who DO love her. A confident person is a “proud to be me” kind of individual and always takes care of herself and the people she loves. She always surrounds herself with positive and uplifting people who love her and steers clear of the negative people who want to bring her down.

A confident person sees beauty where a perfectionist only sees flaws. She sees opportunity where a perfectionist sees strife and hard luck.

When I was young, I was a perfectionist. Why? Because I was a beaten down and very negative person who couldn’t see the forest for the trees and I felt I had to be A-1 best before people would like me. I had yet to realize that all I ever had to be was my natural, authentic self.

Changing your perspective for the better.

When I began to love myself, flaws, quirks and all, things began to change…and for the better. Now…I am a confident and happy woman. I am at peace and comfortable in my own skin. Everywhere I look there is opportunity. Everywhere I look, there is beauty…because I look for it. I love myself and the people around me.

There’s no benefit to being a perfectionist, you only end up working too hard to meet standards which are more than likely impossible to meet, spinning your wheels and getting nowhere. Also, you end up failing miserably and in the process, looking like a try-hard.

true freedom.

Confidence, on the other hand is FREEING and it allows you to be you without fear. It also brings patience, faith and positive self-awareness. Instead of spinning your wheels, you move slowly, steadily and PATIENTLY toward your goals, step by step, until you eventually reach them, therefore reaching success!

Therefore, stop being a perfectionist because you only keep yourself in bondage. Free yourself by becoming confident, even if you must recite positive affirmations to yourself every day. In other words, accept your quirks and flaws. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Accept that there will be bullies, haters, and naysayers who will always have something to say and be okay with it. In a nutshell, be yourself and do your thing. Only then will you be truly at peace.

With knowledge comes empowerment.

13 Secrets to Unlock Your Social Potential

February 27, 2024February 27, 20246 Comments

Why do most targets of bullying have difficulty making friends?

This is because, others can spot insecurity a mile away, which makes it difficult to attract healthy people into your life. You’ll only attract users and more abusers. Why? Because, as a matter of human nature, healthy and secure people stay away from people who give off signals of low self-esteem and depression. On the other hand, you’ll attract predators- people who fake a friendship to either exert control over your life or to get something from you.

Moreover, nonverbal signals, such as lack of eye contact, looking down, fake smiles and closed body language make the target appear unapproachable.

It’s not your fault.

Naturally, this is not the target’s fault. It is just something that happens after a person has endured abuse for so long. However, confident body language is something that you can learn, even teach yourself, and practice. And once you perfect it, you will instantly attract faithful friends and better people into your life.

Here are 11 powerful tricks you can use to instantly win friends:

Smile! And smile genuinely!

Smiling at people shows that you approve of them and are open to friendships. It also conveys confidence and confidence is where it’s at! However, a fake smile is easy to spot and a major turn-off. It only repels people, or worse, invites more bullying. Fake smiles only hurt more than help.

Make good eye contact.

Stand up straight.

Practice open body language.

Slightly lean in when you talk to someone.

Nod when you agree with the person you’re talking to.

Nodding not only shows that you are listening and fully engaged. Also, it conveys understanding and agreement. Nodding is a very powerful form of communication and often gets amazing social results!

Use hand gestures when you speak.

Using hand gestures can help you to think and express your thoughts and feelings more clearly. Moreover, it conveys understanding, energy and warmness.

Relax.

Put away your phone.

Be aware of where your toes are pointed.

Make sure your body language is congruent with your words.

12. Practice the art of small talk.

Talking about the weather, which team won the Super Bowl, your favorite rock bands, or current news is considered small talk. In other words, never talk to potential friends about anything deep. Save that for later… much later! If you’re looking to make new friends, keep conversations light until after the friendship grows significantly.

13. Establish common ground.

Friendships come a lot easier with those we have something in common with. Find the people you have something in common with, such as other targets of bullying, and band with them. I guarantee that this works like a charm!

When you begin practicing these techniques, they may feel weird at first. However, don’t quit. Practice good verbal and nonverbal communication every day until they become second nature. Also remember that although words are important, others pay more attention to your body language than your words. So, improve them both, then, watch the magic unfold as people instantly become warmer and more receptive toward you. And you will make terrific friends in the process.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

7 Powerful Ways to Spy Lies Bullies Tell

February 20, 2024February 13, 20244 Comments

Have you ever wondered if someone was telling the truth (or not)? Before I go any further, it should go without saying that we should only trust bullies as far as we can throw them. In other words, we trust them at our own risk.

However, there are many great actors in the world these days- people we think are friends but are only the opposite. Therefore, sometimes, it’s difficult to spot it when someone is deceiving us.

So, how do we spy the lies? We do it by watching the person’s body language. What are the “tells” that the body gives away when someone is lying? Here are 4 powerful ways to spy lies bullies tell:

The Eyes.

The liar may have shifty eyes, or they may avoid eye-contact altogether.

The Body.

The deceitful person may fidget continuously. He can’t help it!

Voice.

The faker may clear his/her throat.

Vagueness.

The person telling the falsehood may be vague in their story, leaving out crucial details.

pauses (especially after you ask a question).

The person may have to think before speaking. In other words, they have to think up a lie to cover the last lie they told.

The Arms.

The liar may keep his arms still. Stillness is their way of avoiding giving off any tells.

Answering questions.

They always respond to questions with questions. Why? Because they can’t find an answer that sounds good. Or they’re afraid that any answer they give will be another tell.

Understand that, mentally, it takes more work to lie than to tell the truth. People who lie have to study others carefully to make sure they respond the way that they want. Liars worry about how believable their stores sound. Therefore, they must work, and work damn hard, to appear credible to their associates.

Watch the body of the person closely. If you spot one or more of the above signs, you have then, most likely, spied the lie. Also, most importantly, you must document the bullying you suffer and document every instance of it.

And lastly, watch bullies show their true colors when you or someone else calls them on their BS. That will be the most obvious tell!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Fall in Love With Yourself First!

February 13, 2024August 30, 20242 Comments

two fingers representing couple in love against red background

Females are hardwired to nurture, maintain, and enjoy relationships, And this is whether they be friendships, family, or romantic relationships. With teenagers, it is mostly about having close relationships with friends and romantic relationships.

Therefore, if a young girl isn’t getting those wants and needs met through peers at school or family at home, she may try a different route.

Sadly, some girls, particularly those who are targets of bullies, think that having a dating partner makes up for the lack of friends and positive relationships at school. I say this because, unfortunately, I was one of those girls with the same mindset. I leaned on dating and romance for comfort.

A Partner will Never Help You Achieve Wholeness

Being in a romantic relationship can feel like such a welcome change,. It’s like a soft pillow to land on during a fall. It can buffer the self-esteem from the bullying and take the sting out of the torment the target endures.

chain and heart-shaped padlocks representing love and romance

Having dating partners and suitors can act as a much-needed rebuttal to the daily degradation and humiliation you suffer daily. It provides assurance to the target that they are a great person and worthy of love and friendship no matter what. Affection from a partner can act as a testament to the targeted girl’s beauty and confirmation of her value.

Many of these girls look to a partner to rescue them. They see their partner as a refuge from a cold, cruel world that hates them. However, this is a very needy mentality and can backfire in the long run.

No One is Going to Rescue You.

During school, because I had no real friends, I turned to grown men of late teens and early twenties. Moreover, I did this to get the acceptance I wasn’t getting at school from people my age. Although I was gorgeous to look upon, bullies and their followers had destroyed my once-good name. With that, they also destroyed any prospects for dating and love among peers my age.

However, by dating guys who were already out of high school, I was able to get around my trashed reputation. As a result, I had an abundance of opportunities for romance. These college-aged men had never met me, nor were they aware of the falsehoods and labels tied to my name

I’m ashamed to say that, back then, I felt that my good looks and feminine wiles were the only things I had going for me, and often used them to get what I wanted. I thought I had to use trickery and charm to attain what most others seemed to come by easily and effortlessly. And thirty years ago, underage dating was more accepted than it is today.

I want you to understand that when a person is beaten down for so long, they grow afraid to ask for or pursue their wants and needs the right way. As a result, manipulation and deceit become a way of survival. Realize that this is a person who doesn’t need judgment; they get enough of that already. What they need is help . For bullied victims, partners are a proverbial band-aid to their feelings of hurt and inadequacy that come with the onslaught of bullies. Sexual partners and activity are a means to feel loved, wanted, sexy, and beautiful. And it works, if only temporarily.

Co-Dependency isn’t healthy

However, this is dangerous because it can easily lead to co-dependency. Relying on a dating partner for confirmation of worth is never good because the person eventually comes to believe that if he/she is not half of a couple, they are nothing and this kind of thinking is wrong.

encouragement

This mindset only sprouts desperation, and there is no dignity in being desperate for a partner. No one should ever see a romantic relationship as the end all be all. They should never look outside of themselves for happiness. Men and women come and go, and if the person continues to depend solely on them for their fulfillment, they’ll be in for a huge disappointment.

When someone looks solely to a partner to validate them, it’s a sign that the person doesn’t know their worth as a young lady or young man. Potential dates can sense this, and are either repelled or see them as someone they can use and degrade.

The person risks attracting a predatory partner of low integrity, one who will hang around as long as it takes to get what they want before dumping them and leaving them devastated. Also, people of quality and integrity do not want a partner they have to fix or rescue, and if they sniff out the slightest bit of neediness, they will disappear, and fast!

If you are a bullied girl or boy, I can’t stress enough how important it is to fall in love with yourself and with life before you fall in love with anyone else. Love should come from within and never from the outside. A relationship doesn’t complete you, and just because a person has sex with you doesn’t mean that they love you.

It’s Okay to Be Alone.

You are just as beautiful and whole without a partner as you are with one. Just because you’re dateless doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Single doesn’t mean defective.

In the meantime, do plenty of deep soul searching and make positive affirmations daily. Count all your good qualities, talents, and gifts. Continuously remind yourself that you have value, and soon, you’ll start to believe it with your whole heart.

Be patient. Be careful of the choices you make. Know that the right person will come into your life when you least expect it, and you aren’t looking for them. And when they do, they’ll be well worth the wait.

With knowledge comes empowerment!