Reasons You Should Never Be Afraid of Conflict

March 19, 2022Leave a comment

Let’s face it. Conflict is a part of life and something we all encounter at many points in our lives. Many targets and survivors of bullying are deathly afraid of conflict. Why? Because they’ve had so much of it forced on them in the past by bullies who just refused to let them be. Also, many targets and survivors are traumatized by the bullying they presently suffer or from past bullying.

Understand that these poor souls haven’t yet dealt with the hurts they still have, and they don’t yet know their worth and the good they deserve. Many targets and survivors of bullying suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this, they’re still stuck in survival mode.

As a result, target’s cave in and give in to bullies to appease them just so they’ll shut the hell up and go away. And people do get tired of hearing self-entitled and self-indulgent bullies bitch, rant, and beat their chests when they don’t get their way.

So, the unspoken message is, “Look! Just take what you want and get lost!”

I can understand why targets and survivors end up being this way. It’s because a person gets exhausted when they’re constantly have to battle and struggle to take back their autonomy, their self-determination, their personal power, their safety, their dignity, and their right to exist. They get worn down, they get weary, and all they want is for people to leave them alone and let them have some peace.

However, this can become a problem. If you go out of your way to avoid conflict, people will soon mistake you for being weak and they’ll walk all over you. You must set boundaries. There are times when you must say no. There are even times when you may have to show your ugly side to get your point across and let people know that no means no and enough is enough.

Understand that this requires guts. It means you must step out of your comfort zone and take risks. You must risk hurting others’ feelings and making people angry. You must risk being lashed out at and retaliated against. Moreover, you must also risk losing relationships and no, none of it feels good.

In short, you must stand up for yourself and that means facing conflict.

Think of it this way, if you’re a target of bullying, you’re going to face conflict no matter what because people will bring the conflict to you. Hiding from it does no good because it will eventually find you. When you are a target of bullying, conflict is unavoidable and certain.

In other words, run from conflict and you’ll end up running from it for the rest of your life!

So, why not face it head on, better yet embrace it and stand up to people, then you can feel better about yourself later knowing that you finally grew a spine and told them where to shove it. You may face retaliation for it, but you would face it anyway because, right or wrong, bullies will always find some justification for attacking you.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

2 Ways Bullies Search for and Groom Potential Targets

January 16, 2022Leave a comment

When bullies search for targets to bully and think they’ve spotted a potential, they will groom the potential target to test the waters and see if the person is an easy target. They groom you before the actual bullying starts.

The grooming techniques may occur only once or numerous times. So, how do bullies groom targets? They do it by deliberately using subtle behaviors to see how the person reacts. They will then cunningly and ever-so-carefully observe every word the target says and everything he/she does to assess whether they’re the right person with whom to toy with and establish a bullying dynamic.

Bullies prefer those who have low self-esteem and who are afraid of conflict because it is those people who have difficulty asserting themselves and standing up to bullying behavior.

Portrait of young Asian man making telescope gesture with his hands, shocked surprised gesture, looking far away concept

When bullies groom a potential target, their behavior toward the person can be either subtle and confusing or direct and obvious. But however the behavior presents itself, the bully has only one goal- to closely observe how the PT (potential target) reacts.

When bullies decide whether the PT is the right person to target for bullying and abuse, they use these criteria:

1. How the PT responds to their behavior.

2. Whether they respond confidently or uncomfortably.

3. Whether the PT sends back a clear message that they’re not intimidated nor confused and that they can take care of themselves.

For example, a kid is new at the school. A few classmates shove him or subtly insult him, then watch and assess him closely to see what his reaction will be. If the PT catches the attack and calls it out confidently, letting the bullies know that he’s onto them and that he won’t hesitate to defend himself, it’s likely that the bullies will leave him alone and go search for another target.

But if the PT gets confused or intimidated, chances are likely that the bullies will select him to bully because they’ll get the message that he’s afraid of them. Also, if the PT ignores the subtle digs and says nothing, the bullies may assume that he’s afraid and will also select him as a target. If the subtle behavior goes over the PT’s head, the bullies will also continue to bully him because they’ll sense the PT didn’t understand what they were saying or doing to him.

Bullies are like sharks who search for any sign of prey and the way sharks spot prey is to smell blood in the water. Your confusion, fear, self-guilt, and timidity are to bullies as blood is to sharks, signaling that you’re ripe for abuse.

So how exactly do bullies groom you if they see you as a potential?

1. They use dismissive, coercive, or aggressive behavior against them without warning. This is designed to throw you off-balance make you feel threatened. What the bullies want is for you to be stunned into silence or to acquiesce. And if they’re successful in throwing you off and intimidating you, their assessment of you will be that it’s safe to undermine your confidence, intelligence, abilities, and reputation.

2. They turn hot and cold toward you. They will be warm and friendly to you one day, then vicious and hostile towards you the next. You’ll never know when you’ll get the friendly version of these people or the hostile and hateful version.

You won’t know what to expect from these people and you’ll feel as if you must tip toe around them. They’ll have you walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Again, this is well-thought out in advance, and it’s designed to bewilder and confuse you. They want you to be stunned and they want you to be flabbergasted!

And once you’re off-balance and unsure of yourself, the bullies gain the upper hand. But if you respond angrily then the bullies will come back and escalate the altercation and use your angry response to paint you as the villain. That’s why you should avoid responding in anger.

Understand that the surprise attack is put together in such a way that you don’t take the initiative because the bullies want you to think that you’re somehow at fault. They want to make you feel responsible for their atrocious behavior. You’re not. So, don’t accept it because they’ll only use this as an opportunity to take away your personal power and wrest complete control over you.

This is a very manipulative trick they’re pulling on you to back you into a psychological corner. It’s to make you feel powerless and that you don’t have any other choice but to take their crap. And the more powerless you feel, the better the bullies feel because they want to establish that bully/target relationship with you, where you accept their bullying and abuse. These bullies want you to accept it to such an extent that you think you deserve it.

You don’t deserve it. No one deserves to be bullied and you have every right to stand up to them if they get out of line with you. And knowing this information is your first step in having the confidence to stand up to these people.

If you ever find that you’re being groomed and assessed for bullying, now is the time to assert your right to be safe and not to be attacked. Don’t wait. Now is the time to stand up to them because, if you wait, the bullies will quickly become comfortable with violating you and by then, it will be much harder to stand up to them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What is the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness?

August 26, 2021Leave a comment

It amazes me how many people confuse the two. Many are under the false impression that bullies are assertive, when, in fact, they’re aggressive- too aggressive. So, how do we know the difference?

Here’s how:

1.Assertiveness is confident and respectful. It is never disrespectful, arrogant, or overbearing. When you’re being assertive, your state your case in a calm, cool, and confident manner, while, at the same time, being respectful of other’s different perspectives.

Aggressiveness is forceful and hostile. It’s abusive and it reeks of insecurity and unspoken fear of being ineffective and that the aggressor won’t succeed in getting what they want. When a person is being aggressive, they are dismissive, abusive, and threatening. They instill fear to get what they want because without the injection of fear, they’d be ineffective and irrelevant.

2. People who are assertive take time to listen. They listen to the other person before sharing a differing opinion.

People who are aggressive dominate conversations. These people only interrupt the other person and speak over them. They will even shout the other person down sometimes threatening harm to them if they don’t “shut up.” They will also undermine the other person’s ideas and belittle them with ad hominem (personal) attacks and name-calling.

3. When someone is too loud, an assertive person will ask the person to lower their voice so they can sleep, rest, enjoy a movie, hear their favorite song, etc.

An aggressive person, one the other hand, will demand that the other party “shut the hell up” and threaten physical violence if the person refuses to comply.

4. If an assertive person is in a McDonalds and gets fries that are cold and stale, they’ll explain the problem and ask for fries that are hot and fresh.

An aggressive person will only belittle the fast-food worker and demand hot fries with a threatening look. Some aggressive people might even climb over the counter and try to physically attack the person.

5. If an assertive person is asked for help, they will politely decline.

An aggressive person will shout a rude, “NO!” They will then berate the other person for having the audacity to ask for help.

You get the point.

Assertiveness is mindful and an assertive response is carefully thought out.

Aggressiveness is abusive and brutal.

The assertive person is confident, reasonable, and empathic. Whereas the aggressive person is unreasonable, self-serving, arrogant, loud, and highly opinionated.

Understand that being aggressive is unnecessary but being assertive is essential because if you aren’t assertive, people will only lose respect for you and use you as a doormat. That’s not good either.

You get so much more out of being assertive than you ever will being aggressive because being aggressive puts others on the defensive and will cause them to become resistant. But being assertive puts others at ease and makes them more likely want to fulfill your requests.

Bullies are aggressive.

Confident and healthy people are assertive.

So, be assertive but don’t be aggressive.

This is not to say that being assertive works one hundred percent of the time. There will be times you will run into self-entitled bullies, narcissists, and psychopaths who will rebuff assertiveness and even retaliate against you for your honesty. But most people will respect you for it.

Again, be assertive but never aggressive.

With knowledge comes empowerment!