How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

May 7, 2024May 6, 20243 Comments

Would you like to know how to respond to darvo that bullies use to discredit you when you report their bullying or speak out against it? Here are the most powerful ways you must know.

The DARVO method that bullies use is tricky. Many victims of bullying are at a loss as to how to respond to it. As one who has had this method used on me, I am giving you the most powerful ways to respond.

You will learn about how to respond to DARVO properly and the the best responses that will shut this method down for good.

After learning these points, you will be extra prepared the next time a bully uses this evil technique against you.

This post is all about how to respond to DARVO tactics that bullies use. This is important information every victim of bullying, even narcissistic bullying, should know.

How to respond to darvo:

1. learn what darvo is and how bullies use it.

The first step in learning how to properly defend yourself against any bullying tactics is to learn exactly what each of those tactics is.

What is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Realize that this is a classic reaction bullies make any time the victim calls out their bad behavior.

If you are a victim of such tactics, it is imperative that you educate yourself on them.

Additionally, you need not only memorize the definition and textbook description of it. You must also know what DARVO looks like as it is happening.

For instance, a narcissistic bully may attack you and you may call them out on their rotten behavior. The bully reacts by telling you, “it’s no big deal.” Or, he may say something to the tune of, “you’re making something out of nothing.”

Understand that these are classic DARVO comebacks because they invalidate reality and make you out to have over-reacted. Don’t fall for it. You know what they did and that it was wrong. Therefore, continue to stand strong and stick to your guns.

the bully will project.

Moreover, the bully will become extremely aggressive and attacks your character and credibility. They may even attack your motives and intentions.

The bully may also dissolve into a puddle of tears or begin yelling in anger while attacking you. Bullies are expert at turning on emotions to achieve a desired result, which is to make it look like you instigated their abuse. In other words, they make it look as if they were only reacting to what you did to them.

Also, the bully may use insults, threats, and gaslighting to discredit your description of their abuse. Moreover, they will swear up and down that they’re being unfairly accused and that you are making false accusations against them to cover your bad behavior.

Put simpler, they will accuse you of doing to them the very same things they, in fact, did to you. This is classic projection and you should call it out as such.

As another attempt to deflect, bullies will also try to justify their evil behavior by shifting blame to you.

Understand that bullies do all this to reverse the roles and in hopes that others will see them in a more positive light. Bullies hope that others will see their abuse of you as a reaction to something you must have done to them first. All the while, they are continuing to inflict more abuse onto you.

2. whatever you do, stay calm.

This is an absolute must because your bully is hoping and praying that you will lose your cool. But don’t!

Why? Because bullies will use your emotions as confirmation that you are either cuckoo or a bad person. And, believe you me, they’re masters at this!

Also, they will misconstrue your emotions (crying, etc.) as a sign of guilt. Instead, remain calm and the bully is more likely to be the one flipping out because they can’t shake you.

I have found that by remaining calm and cool, you will drive them completely insane with anger. Therefore, you force your bullies to expose themselves.

Remember the quote in Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.”

“Let the enemy destroy themselves.”

Again, your calm demeanor will arouse not only the bully’s anger, but also their fear. Your bully will be flabbergasted as to why you’re so calm. This will throw them off balance.

Moreover, they’ll flip out and begin yelling, shouting, and cursing. Don’t let this behavior intimidate you because his is what you want them to do to expose and embarrass themselves.

Remember that bullies have big egos and an image to protect. Also, they have an intense need for control. And they will do everything they possibly can to preserve their egos and maintain not only control, but also the image they have long ago crafted for themselves.

Although staying calm can be difficult when bullies abuse you, it can also be most effective in getting your bullies riled and bringing their true natures out in the open. The calmer you are, the crazier your bullies will get until they unwittingly expose themselves through their own behavior.

3. How to Respond to DARVO: Call the behavior out by name.

This is why you must first know what DARVO is, as well as the names of all the behavior that goes with it. This way, you can call it out by name and won’t sound as though you’re rambling.

Rambling makes you sound crazy and less believable. But naming the behavior and stating your case in a clear and concise manner makes you look more credible and makes the bully look unhinged. This is what you want.

For example, if the bully is projecting and accusing you of the very behavior they directed at you, Call it by name. Tell the bully in front of an audience that they’re clearly projecting to try and make themselves look like the good guy and that you are onto them.

If they are trying to justify their behavior, again, call it out. Say to the bully, “Don’t try to justify your behavior because there is no justification for it. Be an adult (or if it’s a child, you can say, ‘be a big girl/boy’) and take responsibility for your actions.”

4. Document, document, document!

This cannot be stressed enough! You absolutely must document everything in detail. Keeping a bullying journal is of the utmost importance, not only if you have a bullying partner at home but also if people bully and harass you at work or school.

Keeping documentation helps you to keep a record of bullying in a more clear, concise, and organized manner. Moreover, it is admissible in court and during tribunal at work or school board meetings.

When you document, always use the 5W Method (What? Who? When? Where? and Why? Also, if possible, How?) This allows your story to make more sense. Also, it effectively calls out any perpetrators and produces possible witnesses.

In other words, write down what happened, who was involved, who was around to see what happened (the names of any bystanders and witnesses). Also, write down when it happened (the exact date and time of occurrence).

Additionally, include where it happened (did it happen in the school locker room? The workplace parking lot?) and if you know, why it happened (was it because you reported your bullies’ abuse of you?) Be as detailed as humanly possible when you document!

How to Respond to Darvo: do your own investigation!

This is how you gather your own evidence. How to respond to DARVO doesn’t include waiting for anyone else to do anything you can just as easily do for yourself.

Never rely on the school or your workplace to conduct their own investigation. This is where many victims get screwed because when entities do their own investigations (if they do them at all) it will only be to their advantage and your detriment.

The reality is that schools, workplaces, or any entities for that matter, usually side with bullies. Why? Because not only are bullies expert at covering their behinds, but also, they are usually stars in the who’s who at school or higher-up in the workplace or organization.

Therefore, always do your own investigation. Documenting is the most effective way to gather your own evidence.

Also, depending on the laws in your state or jurisdiction, you could secretly record the bullying you suffer. Again, make sure the laws in your state allow recordings.

In other words, If you live in a two-party consent state, you must also have the permission of anyone you record. However, if you live in a one-party consent state, you only need your own permission. Therefore, you are FREE to record!

Again, make sure you know the laws in your state before you do this. The last thing you want is for your bullies to have grounds to sue you for invasion of privacy. And you just know they would salivate over that opportunity. So, don’t give it to them.

5. practice self-care

In other words, be kind and compassionate to yourself. Make daily affirmations to yourself. Make I AM statements, “I AM a good person,” “I AM not wrong for standing up for myself,” “I AM lovable,” “I AM deserving of friends, family, and people who love me,” ” I AM worthy of God’s love because He loves me anyway, regardless of what I’ve done in the past,” etc.

And when you make these affirmations, believe them with all your heart.

Practicing self-care also means spending time with the people who love you and who want what’s best for you. Keep company only with those who lift you up and avoid people who bring you down. This is how you nurture your self-esteem and mental health.

Indulge in a good soak in the bathtub with bath bombs or treat yourself to a day at the spa.

Self-care is essential when dealing with this form of abuse.

this post was all about how to respond to darvo so that you can better protect yourself against this insidious form of abuse.

Related posts you will enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

3. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

April 26, 2024May 26, 202510 Comments

Would you like to know the signs of gaslighting so that you can better protect yourself against it the next time it occurs? Here are the most common indicators and examples you need to know.

People can gaslight you without your even knowing it’s happening, which is not only harmful, but also confusing. As a former target of it myself, I’m giving you the sure-fire signs of gaslighting you must know so that you’ll recognize it and be prepared.

You are going to learn about the signs of gaslighting and examples of it as well.

After learning about all these tactics and what they look and sound like, you will better be able to defend yourself against them.

This post is all about the most common signs of gaslighting in both your abusers AND yourself you should be aware of.

The Most Common Signs of gaslighting

1. Bullies deny their behavior.

Denial is one of the most obvious forms of gaslighting.

Often, when a bully or abuser says something to insult you and you call them on it, they will flat out say, “I didn’t say that,” when you know doggone well they did. Understand that this is their way of covering up their behavior by making you look unstable.

Moreover, the bully has the chutzpah to lie and deny even when you present clear evidence of the truth. That’s what makes this form of gaslighting so astonishing.

The goal of this tactic is to cause the people around you to think that maybe you’re hearing things. Also, bullies do this deliberately to cause you to doubt yourself. The bully wants you to wonder if you heard them correctly.

In other words, their goal is to convince you that what happened didn’t really happen. Therefore, they plant seeds of doubt in your mind to trick you into thinking that it is all in your head.

Furthermore, there’s another thing bullies like to say when you call them on their behavior. “You’re only imagining things.”

Additionally, they might say that the bullying you report “is only in your imagination.”

Again, this is denial and it’s designed to make you doubt yourself and to make you look overly suspicious to any bystanders. And if you doubt yourself, it will inspire others to doubt you too.

Don’t fall for it. Chances are that you heard them correctly or actually saw what you saw. Counter the gaslighting by telling them, “You did say that,” or “I know you did because I saw you with my own two eyes. Don’t even try to gaslight me, buddy.”

Yes, call out the gaslighting. Then walk away and limit any future engagement with them.

2. Bullies questioning your memory IS ALSO ONE OF THE SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING.

Questioning your memory is another slick tactic bullies use to shirk responsibility for their questionable behavior. Bullies mostly pull this number on older adults. However, anyone at any age can be a target of this kind of gaslighting.

For example, when you confront an abuser on something they did in the past, the bully may ask you, “Are you sure that’s the way it happened?”

Just as it is with denial, bullies use this method to make you doubt and question yourself. Consequently, it’s so easy it shouldn’t work. But it does.

Again, don’t fall for this trick. Tell them right away and up front that your memory is just fine and that they’re only gaslighting you to cover their own butts. Also, when you tell them, do it with conviction. Then, again, walk away and have no further association with them.

3. They trivialize the way you feel or what you experienced

This is yet another tactic designed to make you look immature or mentally imbalanced.

For instance, you may report a bully for bullying you at school or a perverted boss at work for making a sexually suggestive comment to you. As a result, they may counter your complaint by making statements like:

“You’re just being a crybaby”

“You’re too sensitive. You need to toughen up a little.”

“Oh, shut up!”

“Awww, stop whining.”

“You need to lighten up.”

Bullies do this to embarrass and shame you into silence while, at the same time, covering themselves by minimizing their own behavior. In other words, they use shame and embarrassment, hoping you’ll shut up and allow them to keep abusing you.

They employ this tactic to cause others to doubt you too. When others don’t believe you and choose to side with your bullies, it’s even tougher to know when someone is gaslighting you.

Moreover, when others agree with them, you’ll feel even more compelled to keep your mouth shut and go along with it. The reason for this compulsion is fear.

Bullies and abusers hope you’re afraid that if you don’t clam up, you’ll only suffer more abuse as punishment for daring to open your mouth.

However, don’t stay silent. Keep speaking out and do it calmly but with a strong voice.

Never apologize for feeling hurt or angry at someone else’s abuse! Never! In these situations, you have a right to feel the way you do! Let no one tell you how you should feel when you know with utmost certainty that you’re being abused!

Just tell them to shove it, walk away, and have nothing more to do with them.

4. Signs of Gaslighting:

you constantly second-guess yourself

The signs of gaslighting doesn’t only show up in your bullies, they show up in you too.

Notice that you’re hyper-self-aware, self-conscious, and always on guard. You self-monitor to make sure you do and say the right thing.

Furthermore, you say something, make a judgement call, or make a choice, then turn right around and begin wondering if you said the right thing or made the right decision. You’re confused all the time.

Should I do this or should I do that? Should I say it like this or like that? Do I make this choice or that?

Gaslighting does this to it’s victims. Understand that this is no way to live.

You can only solve this problem when you stop worrying about what others think and know that your first instinct is usually the correct one. Also, cut the toxic people out of your life.

5. One of the main signs of gaslighting: you constantly bend knee to keep from being further gaslighted

When bullies gaslight you on the daily, it can be tempting to apologize way too much. Again, understand that when bullies gaslight you they re-victimize you by countering you for calling them out or reporting them. In a sense, they re-victimize you a second time.

Gaslighting is the main reason why targets are often programmed to apologize for things that don’t need an apology. And calling someone out on their evil actions is one of those things that doesn’t warrant one.

I understand that the apologies that victims make are often knee-jerk reactions that come from extreme fear of gaslighting. Moreover, the incessant apologies are ways to appease the bullies and make them go away and leave them alone.

However, bullies know this and that’s why they gaslight you and use it to their advantage. They also know that such an apology isn’t heartfelt and that you’re only trying to pacify them and keep them from harming you again.

never give an unwarranted apology.

As tempting as it is, you should never apologize for confronting anyone over their abuse because, when you do, you only take away your own power and hand it over to your bullies.

On the other hand, when you refuse to apologize where an apology isn’t needed, it’s a sign of greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power. It also shows that you have more dignity and integrity.

It pays to know when you should and shouldn’t apologize. So, do it only when you should. Not when others think you should.

This only gives the bullies an ego boost and makes you look like a simp.

Doing other things to appease the bullies, such as staying silent and doing what they want at your own expense is also bending knee to them. Because bullies don’t only gaslight you for speaking out about their abuse and reporting them to authority members, they also gaslight you for refusing to give in to their demands.

Therefore, never apologize for calling a bully out nor refusing to do what they want. Also, never cave in and obey if the bully demands that you do what they want. The only chances you have to end the gaslighting is to stand up to it, then ditch the gaslighters.

6. Signs of GAslighting:

your bullies label you as “Unhinged.”

This is, perhaps, the cruelest form of gaslighting.

There is nothing that discredits victims like the “cray-cray” label. Even bank-robbers and former prison inmates get more believed by others than someone whom others have labeled mentally ill.

Labeling another person as mentally imbalanced is too easy because people have a strong tendency to see the worst in others, especially today. The mental health label also has lots of staying power.

Moreover, mental instability is the most difficult to disprove. Why? Because although your abusers can never prove that you are, in fact, bonkers; there’s also no way you can prove that you’re not.

Another reason it’s so hard to disprove is that any victim of bullying will more than likely be an emotional wreck because of the chronic abuse they suffer. And if your bullies can make you look loony, then who’s going to believe you when you speak out about the abuse?

The burden of proof falls on you.

However, know this. Any time bullies and abusers pull the “cray” card, they do it as a last option. The unstable label is used when there’s nothing else they can pin on you. Bullies use this tactic out of desperation when they know you’re onto them and their true natures are about to be discovered.

Here’s something else you should think about.

when bullies label you Loony, they actually know you’re not.

When bullies label you as bonkers, it doesn’t mean they actually think you are.

Remember that bullies are big cowards and if they really and truly thought you were off your rocker, they they wouldn’t come near you.

In other words, if a person with any common sense knows someone who is factually and legitimately batshit loony, their first instinct is to either stay away from the person or walk lightly around them and do their due diligence to keep from setting them off!

Why? Because a cr4zy person has no filter and no sense of right and wrong. Therefore, they have no reservations about seriously hurting someone or worse.

So, though they may label you as such, they know that you aren’t. What your bullies really think is that you’re weak. They only play the mental card to discredit you.

Always remember that.

To counter this, you must point out exactly what they’re doing and why they do it. Reject the label, and continue to speak out no matter what they may call you. The key to doing this is not to care what people think and eighty-six anyone who sticks you with the label, or any label for that matter.

7. Signs of Gaslighting:

you feel you can’t do anything right.

In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you stay silent and take it, they call you a wuss. If you report the abuse or stand against it, you’re either a bad person or you’re mentally ill.

This is a form of gaslighting because it’s designed to confuse you and leave you filled with doubt. That’s what gaslighting does.

The way to combat this type of gaslighting is to stand strong and never give relevance to your bullies or their tactics. Stand your ground and stick to your guns. Remember the trick is to not to care less what they say or think. Don’t give it any oxygen and put some distance between yourself and your abusers. That’s how you win against gaslighters.

Your bullies may not change their attitudes toward you but they’ll eventually disappear from your life if they can’t manipulate and gaslight you. Why? Because they prefer easy prey rather than someone who makes them work at it.

Also, you’ll feel much better about yourself knowing that you were wise to their games and stood up to them.

this post was all about the 7 most common signs of gaslighting to help you wise up to the mind games and gather the confidence to stand against it and put a stop to it.