Category: bullying

Bullying and the Fight or Flight Response

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upshot of attacker with his foot raised to stomp you

Bullying and the fight or flight response go hand in hand.

According to the Psychology Tools website, “The fight or flight response is an automatic physiological reaction to an event that is perceived as stressful or frightening. The perception of threat activates the sympathetic nervous system and triggers an acute stress response that prepares the body to fight or flee. These responses are evolutionary adaptations to increase chances of survival in threatening situations.” ( https://www.psychologytools.com/resource/fight-or-flight-response/ )

Any time bullies target a person with relentless bullying at work or school over an extended period of time, they force that person into a constant state of high alert. Although useful in short, immediate circumstances, this hyper-vigilance is unhealthy if the person remains in this state for too long, causing stomach issues, headaches, and fatigue, among many other ailments.

Even worse, facing continuous danger can also cause the person to overreact in response to certain occurrences.

The Fight or Flight Response is Innate. Every Creature on earth has it.

Every living creature has an innate and perfectly natural physiological reaction in the event of a threat or attack. Called the Fight or Flight Response, it protects us from harm in dangerous situations through the release of adrenaline. When adrenaline is released into the blood, it’s next to impossible not to do either of two things- fight or flee.

Fight or Flight sign showing a man with fists raised and another running away

When others are consistently bullying and abusing you during school or anywhere, escape is usually not an option. Your bullies will corner, surround, or back you into a wall or some other large object. With flight cut off to you as an option, what do you have left? Fight! Long-term bullying can cause a person to live on this adrenaline every day, all day long. All your aggressors have to do is to come around you and they can put your body and mind on constant alert. It’s a horrible way to live.

Getting on the school bus and walking through the entrance to the school can feel like a death march. Moreover, horrible headaches and violent nausea will plague many targets.

Here is an excerpt on the subject from my book:

“I recall an afternoon in English class when my mouth and eyes began to water. I swallowed hard to control my gag reflexes as I approached the teacher’s desk to ask to be excused to the bathroom.

‘What do you want?’ Mrs. Caraway asked rudely.
‘I don’t feel good.’ I replied.

Without a word, she gave me the hall pass, and I scurried my way to the girls’ room, I barely made it to the first stall before launching a stream of the bitterest, most horrible tasting green liquid into the toilet.

man balled up in a corner with the words, claustrophobia, stress, panic, depression, anxiety, and fear on the wall behind him

A long series of dry heaves followed, which were quite painful. Instead of making me feel better, the vomiting only did the opposite, and my headache became next to unbearable.

I’ll never forget the sound of the bathroom door as it flung open and the teacher stormed in, demanding to know why I was taking so long. I began to cry and, in between gags and wretches, pleaded with her to let me go to the office and call my grandmother….”

She accused me of making myself vomit so that I could go home early.

targets live in a constant state of survival mode.

Even teachers can join the other kids against you once they hear enough rumors and falsehoods bullies spread about you. This can place you in a very lonely and heartbreaking position.

As time goes on, the fear of going to school and having to face their megalomaniac classmates grows. It’d like an infected tumor that grows bigger with each passing day. A target’s stomach draws up every morning when they set foot on a school bus.

The next eight hours are like walking through a minefield, never knowing when your next step could mean BOOM! Others begin hitting, shoving, kicking, or bombarding the target with a torrent of taunts, insults, and names. It is a situation they see no end to, and to say that they are afraid is an understatement. Targets are petrified.

Fenced off field with sign on fence warning of mines

Most never think of the magnitude of fear the target must live with. Also, they don’t think of the health consequences of living in that perpetual state of fight or flight. The impact on the target’s physical health may not show up right away. However, it may rear its ugly head later in life.

But this doesn’t only happen in school; it happens in the workplace also. What people once believed to only happen to school-aged people also happens to adults in the workplace. Bullying knows no age group.

authority figures usually blame targets for defending themselves.

Many targets get into serious trouble when the bullying finally escalates and becomes physical. Every day, school staff unjustly suspend or expel innocent targets are unjustly from school for exercising their rights to self-defense.  Moreover, managers in the workplace terminate bullying targets from work because bullies force them into fight mode to defend themselves.

Bullies have a real flair for charming and seducing supervisors, managers, teachers, and staff. They lie very convincingly and making the target look like the aggressor. Targets are often severely punished for nothing more than trying to protect themselves. Whereas, bullies are either given a slap on the wrist or escape with complete impunity. In short, the target has no support whatsoever!

School staff and workplace management should know well that, just like all God’s creatures, bullying targets have this fight or flight instinct. Therefore, they have the right to defend themselves if running is not an option.

Cornered dog feeling threatened and getting ready to bite you

And when bullies are attacking the target left and right and you have no support, it’s left solely up to them to take care of themselves in bullying situations.

It’s only natural that if you corner a dog and kick it enough times, sooner or later, you’ll get bit!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying and Freedom Cannot Coexist

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Two wooden men assaulting wooden woman

Bullying and personal freedom can never coexist. Why? Because bullying is zero sum. Always. When you suffer from bullying, it’s akin to people holding you hostage. In essence, they bind and gag you. In short, they take away your personal power! And without personal power, you have no freedom.

Either you’re free to be yourself, to speak your piece and to be safe and secure, or people bully you for daring to exercise those freedoms. You either have personal power or people bully you and take away your personal power. Either you’re free to be a human being, make mistakes, and more importantly, learn from those mistakes, or people bully you for it.

They brutally punish you for making mistakes that anyone else could’ve made. Moreover, someone else more than likely would have gotten the consideration that they’re only human and that all humans make mistakes.

big bully boy grabbing a smaller boy by the collar

Bullying takes away your humanity

For targets, however, there’s no margin for error. On the other hand, if you’re fortunate enough to be on equal footing with everyone else around you, you have that luxury. people will look at you and realize that we’re all imperfect humans. Therefore, they’ll cut you some slack.

Understand that bullying dehumanizes its targets- others either see you as a human being or they don’t. Bullying will strip the target of any shred of humanity and render him sub-human in the minds of not only bullies but, in many cases, bystanders.

Moreover, this process can happen quickly, in as little time as a few months. People bully you so frequently that bystanders grow and become desensitized to it. And why not. They watch them brutalize you every day, sometimes several times per day. And the reality is that no one likes nor has any respect for a victim.

Group of girls holding up hands with letters that read, "Stop Bullying"

In your mind, you may not be a victim but a target. And that’s a good thing. However, because others see you being disrespected and beat down all the time, they will view you as a victim. And most people don’t have the critical thinking skills to know the difference.

Therefore, you must document everything that happens and document it in detail. Or you must find a way to leave the bullying environment. Otherwise, if it goes on long enough, it will take a toll on your mental health. People such as these are dispensable, your mental health isn’t. Also, move to a new school if possible. Take steps to reclaim your freedom.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Empowering Feeling of Saying No

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Quote, "Saying no means yes to your rights"

Saying “no” can be difficult and at times, even downright scary. Like when bullies are trying to force you to do something you don’t want to do.  You know the feeling when they threaten either physical harm or worse social exclusion if you don’t do what they want you to do. I know the feeling because I’ve been there.

Nobody wants to get hurt. The natural human response is to submit and make the pain, torment, or the threat of, stop. In your mind, you’re thinking, “Alright, alright! I’ll do it if you’ll go away and leave me alone!” I get that because it’s what I did. Sadly, I submitted to my bullies many times, too many times. I fell for the false promises that they would let me be and stop hurting me. But-

Saying yes to them meant saying no to myself.

They never made good on those promises. The harassment didn’t stop. If anything, it only got worse! Anytime I did say no, they would threaten me and yes, even physically attack me.

Saying no to a bully is never an easy option. Bullies don’t take no for an answer, least of all from their targets! However, not only is it necessary, but it feels darn good sometimes!
If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve said the word “no” a lot more than I did. I wouldn’t have cared about the retaliation I might have faced. Unless one of my bullies had done something drastic, like pulled a gun, I’d have stood firm.

In no way would I advice anyone to risk their life. If someone pulls a gun on me, I will do what I must do to stay alive! I’ll do what he wants and tell him what he wants to hear. Moreover, I’ll dance a jig wearing fluorescent orange and white polka-dotted bell bottoms if it keeps me from dying!

I’ll grant you, saying no is risky.

But if they only threaten me with the business end of their fists, I know I’m only going to come out of it with a shiner and a fat lip. In a situation like that, it’s much safer to say no. Those wounds will heal. But the psychological injury of wishing I hadn’t let myself down will last for years.

However, if you do choose physical safety first, I want you to know that you’re not wrong for that. In no way will I ever think less of you if you submit to your bullies’ demands. As I mentioned earlier, a natural reaction is to obey to keep from being harmed.

And the winner is...

Today, I say that little two-letter word a lot more and will continue to say it in the future. It doesn’t matter what people say, how they feel about it or what they do. I would much rather get the crap kicked out of me and still feel good about myself for taking a stand. Today, I’d rather take a beating than to cave under pressure.  I’m funny about letting myself down by doing something I didn’t want to do. To me, that’s worse than getting my butt kicked! But that’s just me.

Many times, I let myself down by saying yes.

My physical wounds healed. But knowing I let someone else force me to do something I neither wanted to nor agreed to, left a psychological injury that took a long time to recover from. I ended up asking myself, “Now, why didn’t I tell those creeps to take a flying leap off the highest cliff head first?” That feeling of powerlessness was worse than the physical pain I would have suffered.

So, permit yourself to say that tiny little word because it can be so empowering! You may indeed get your tail kicked, but at least you’ll feel good knowing you got hurt because you stood for something! Those psychological benefits will significantly outweigh the embarrassment of any beat down! Besides, you forced a bully to do something foolish and which will likely get him in trouble with an adult or the law! So, I ask you! Who’s the real winner here?

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Low Self-Esteem is Taught.

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Newborn baby held in father's arms

Insecurity and a lack of confidence are not characteristics that we’re born with. They are taught! Not only by bullies or abusive family members but can also unwittingly programmed into us by caring family members who call themselves trying to teach us humbleness and humility.

These characteristics are both good virtues to have, but only in moderation. However, too much of it can cause us to suppress a little too much of ourselves and hide our own awesome personalities, talents, and gifts, which can grow into insecurity and, in worse cases, self-loathing.

a little girl hiding behind her mother's skirt

Each and every one of us is born with confidence and a heart of gold. However, over time, our environments, circumstances, and sadly, the people in our lives can slowly erode the natural confidence and goodness we were born with.

After being hurt for so long, we withdraw from others and put up a barrier to protect ourselves. We turn cold and began to harden ourselves to numb feelings of rejection and the pain that comes with it.

The Slow Erosion of Self-Esteem
Young girl bending down, covering her face with her hands, trying to protect herself from men's' fists, finger guns, and hands pointing at her.

Young girl bending down, covering her face with her hands, trying to protect herself from men’s’ fists, finger guns, and hands pointing at her. Women’s rights. Violence against women. Domestic violence.

Before long, we regard others’ feelings and suffering with indifference. In other words, we just don’t give a crap about anyone, how they feel, or what they think. Sometimes we even grow cold toward the people who love us because we have lost the ability to trust.

We no longer have any respect for others, much less ourselves. Lastly, we come to that evil place where schadenfreude takes hold of our personalities. In other words, we secretly or openly take pleasure in seeing others, especially those we despise, suffer.

We must make a conscious effort not to allow negative outside influences to make us cold and mean. Just as we take steps to protect our health, finances, property, etc., we must also take steps to protect our self-esteem. And we do that by how we allow others to treat us. We protect our self-esteem by setting boundaries and standards.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Othello’s Error: Why Targets Take the Blame

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William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare (1564-1616) on engraving from the 1800s. English poet and playwright, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language. Published in London by L.Tallis.

Othello’s Error often happens in police interrogation rooms and principal’s offices.

It comes from Shakespeare’s play, “Othello.”  In the play, the main character, Othello, assumes that his wife, Desdemona, is having an affair. The reason he believes this is because of her nervous response when he questions her.

In reality, Desdemona is innocent.

However, Othello  questions her in a aggressive and volatile manner. And this makes the poor wife nervous. Even worse, Othello takes her nervousness as a sign of guilt.

Sadly, his often occurs in real life.

many fingers pointed at scapegoated employee, concept of accusation

Often, targets become nervous when someone questions them aggressively. The questioner then misreads the response. taking it as a sign that the person is lying or hiding something. It’s how so many people have gotten blamed for something they didn’t do.

Just as nervousness is mistaken for deception, the show of confidence is mistaken for honesty and trustworthiness. As we all know, bullies are well-known for feigned confidence and false bravado.

Targets of bullying are always nervous, and rightfully so. Who wouldn’t be if they were constantly abused, smeared, shamed, threatened, and attacked?

Victim Blaming word cloud

People tend to rush to the first possible explanation that fits what they want to see. Should it be any wonder why people blame targets and let bullies go scot-free?

After the abuse goes on for so long, targets learn to expect more of the same. And they usually get it. In other words, the expectation of such treatment brings more of the same. As a result, the target grows more nervous with each occurrence.

As the target grows more nervous, bystanders and authorities grow more and more suspicious of him.

The fact is that nervousness has several reasons, and the mistake often occurs in the decoding of it and not the observation!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why Bullies Sometimes Call You “Uppity”

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Snobby group of cliquey girls with their ringleader pointing at you

Ever wonder why bullies sometimes call you “uppity?”

First, let’s examine the word, “uppity.” Uppity means arrogant, haughty, or pompous. It’s used to describe a person who thinks they are better than everyone else. However, a bully may label you “uppity, even though it isn’t who you are.

Understand that a bully’s definition of the word goes much deeper. You must look at the context in which the term is being used. Also, look at the circumstances which prompted the bully to make such a judgement of you. What would motivate a bully to refer to you as “uppity?”

Here are 3 reasons why bullies often accuse targets of being uppity:

Woman screaming and pointing an accusing finger at you

  1. The target displays confidence.

Confidence is power. When a person is confident and knows who they are, they’re least likely to allow others to control them. This is a huge threat to the bully’s power. Therefore, bullies will give targets the “uppity” label in hopes that the target will question themselves or worse, believe it, then feel guilty for it.

If the target falls for this BS and believes it, he will automatically “tone it down.” Consequently, he will unwittingly give the bullies the green light to gradually heap on more and more abuse.

Remember that a bully’s opinion of you means nothing unless you allow it to. Never buy into it! Keep your confidence no matter what!

Marginalized man putting out hands to block the fingers that are pointed at him

  1. The target refuses to comply with the bullies’ demands.

 Defiance is a huge threat to the bullies’ power. When a target refuses to comply with the bullies’ demands, mandates, or orders, he, in essence, gives the bully the middle finger. Then, he goes on doing what he wants and not what the bullies want him to do.

Ouch! This is painful to bullies. Why? Because, if the target doesn’t comply, then others just might feel emboldened not to comply. Defiance has a way of spreading and, once it spreads, the bully loses power. Bullies know this and, therefore, double down by labelling the target as uppity (among other labels).

Kids fighting with the quote, "Never fight until you have to. But when it's time to fight, you fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark... and brother, it's startin' to rain."

  1. The target defends himself.

When the target stands up for himself, this is also a threat to the bullies’ power. Why? Because the target just might put them in their place and make them look like punks. Therefore, the target takes back his power, leaving the bullies looking slack jawed and stupid. As a result, some bullies will retaliate to reinforce their dominance.

Therefore, you must keep your power. Resist the urge to comply. Push back when bullies attempt to abuse you. They may retaliate, but in you dig your heels in and continue to stand your ground, you keep your personal power, and with it, your self-esteem.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What is That Coveted Je Ne Sais Quoi?

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Charming older woman smiling

What is that Coveted je ne sais quoi? Je Ne Sais Quoi is French, and it means, “I don’t know what.” The term is used to describe a special but indescribable characteristic that someone has – a characteristic that is hard to name. It’s that unnamable characteristic that attracts people, especially suitors, and puts them under the person’s spell.

When someone has a certain je ne sais quoi, people will usually say things like, “There’s just something about him/her.” Someone who falls in love will often use that phrase when those outside the relationship can’t understand what the love-stricken individual sees in the person they’re in love with.

Some people were born with this mysterious allure and come by it naturally. These lucky people seem to attract people easily and effortlessly. Others, like most bullying targets, were not blessed with it and have great difficulty making friends. Shy people and those on the autism spectrum tend to have the most difficulty in this arena.

can this je ne sais quoi be taught?

Businessman schmoozing colleagues at a social gathering

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying and you’re having difficulty making friends or finding love, the secret to getting that je ne sais quoi is to understand exactly what it is. Thankfully, it is something you can learn, and, once you learn it, you can use it to your advantage.

So, what is it exactly?

Simple. It’s social intelligence, which is a combination of confidence, charm, and charisma, or The Three C’s. The most precious thing in the universe isn’t money. It isn’t gold or silver. It’s these three traits because they set you on a path of success in every aspect of your life. However, to have the three C’s, you must first have healthy self-esteem.

Sadly, many targets of bullying don’t realize this. They want these traits so badly but don’t have the self-esteem to back them up.

As a result, they live a lonely and unsuccessful life. They secretly resent those who have that je ne sais quoi as they sit on the sidelines and watch them have a blessed life. Also, they may resent God for not blessing them with it, which only makes things worse.

man with confidence

Healthy Self-Esteem always comes before je ne sais quoi

Moreover, when a young target asks an adult how to learn that certain something that attracts people, the adult may only laugh them off and tell them,

“That’s something that can’t be taught. It’s something you’re born with. You either have it or you don’t. And if you don’t, you’re just shit out of luck.”

Adults give them those types of hurtful responses because either they themselves don’t know, or they do know but would never tell them for obvious reasons. Consequently, young targets believe the lies and stop trying – at everything. They stop trying to make friends and move up in the world.

The resulting mentality becomes this: “Why do all that work if it isn’t going to get me anywhere? I’d only be spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.”

As a result, these people accumulate long strings of failed friendships and relationships and jump from job to job. Also, they run around with ne’er do wells. In short, they relax their standards and become content to cruise through life without extending any effort. Many targets end up on welfare and public housing and it’s because their self-esteem is shot to hell.

man holding a card that reads, "Low Self-Esteem"

Therefore, I often stress doing everything you can to salvage your self-esteem because, again, in order to have charm and charisma, you must first have a healthy self-esteem. Thankfully, you can also learn this. I repeat, no matter what others have told you, social intelligence can be taught and you can go from anti-social to social ninja in just a few years.

Here are a few things you can do to raise your self-esteem and with it, your je ne sais quoi:
  1. Smile! And by smile, I mean do it authentically. A real, genuine smile is one complete with the crinkles around the outer corners of the eyes. If there are no crinkles around the eyes, the smile is fake.
  2. When you’re talking to a person, say their name. According to Dale Carnegie’s book, entitled, “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” a person’s name is music to their ears. Saying their name when you speak to them just makes them feel that having a conversation with you is all the better.
  3. Engage in small talk. Never talk about anything deep. Great small talk conversations discuss topics such as the weather, sports, movies, music, and current events (just don’t go to deep on the current events).
  4. Realize that it’s not about you. One thing I want you to know right now. People care more about themselves and their lives than they do about you. It’s just the reality of human nature. Therefore, become interested in other people and their lives. People always love someone who’s interested in them.

Confident man reach out to shake your hand

Start with doing the above practices and don’t be afraid to learn new tricks. And realize that you will probably need to fake it, at first- fake it until you make it! It’s what I had to do. However, I discovered that when you act confident, you will soon feel confident. And when you feel confident, the fake becomes real.

Practice these things and you will soon be able to raise your je ne sais quoi and draw people to you. And once you do that, you might even be able to schmooze like a pro!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Be Careful What You Put Up With

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Quote, "I deserve the best in life."

It’s best to begin standing up for yourself in the early stages or you’ll come across as a doormat to others. You will teach them how to treat you based on what they see. Sadly, many targets of bullying do not realize this until the bullying gets so out of control that their lives are in danger. By then, it’s usually too late to change anything and the only option left is for target to remove him/herself from the environment.

Furthermore, bullying always escalates and the more you ignore it, deny it, and tolerate it, the more emboldened, brazen, and full of themselves the bullies become until they become drunk on their own power. As a result, the abuse will get out of control and you’re most likely to end of getting severely hurt or worse.

Quote, "Be good to yourself today."

bullying is addictive because its all about power.

Bullying is like a drug. As we know, it takes one smoke, one drink, or one snort or two for a person to become hooked. Afterwards, they always want more. Likewise, it’s the same with bullying. All it takes is one backhanded compliment, one offhand comment, or one insult or two to get the target to react.  When the bullies get the reaction they want, they get that initial power high. Then, they always come back for more.

Also, drug addicts slowly build a tolerance to the drug, and, as time goes on, they need a bigger dose. First, they need one milligram, then two, then four, then eight, and on it goes. It’s no different with bullies. Just as it is with drug addicts with their drugs, bullies escalate the bullying, then escalate it further to keep getting that rush of power.

Quote, "Be real, be true, be yourself."

Bullying only escalates because, with time, bullies need bigger and bigger doses of power.

First, they start with offhand comments, backhanded compliments, and petty insults. Also, they may smear you to others and give you the silent treatment. When these lose their thrill, they escalate to yelling, cursing, and severe name-calling. Therefore, the verbal assaults become more blatant and hurtful.

Next, when blatant verbal abuse loses its luster, the bullying progresses to borderline physical abuse. Bullies will (accidentally on purpose) trip the target, lightly shove him, or run into him in the hallway.

Later, when bullies can no longer get their power rush from light physical bullying, they take it up, yet, another notch. They’ll progress to more obvious physical beatings- slapping, punching, choking, kicking, etc.

Once they get bored with this, they’ll begin using weapons. Bullies will hit with textbooks, slam heads against lockers or the sides of vehicles. Afterwards, they’ll use sticks, bottles, pipes, baseball bats, and so on.

Quote, "A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect."

boundaries, respect yourself

So, understand that bullying and abuse always- always…escalates! In other words, it always gets worse and more severe. It also becomes more frequent!

The best time to stand up to bullying is during its earliest stages.

I’ve said it before, bullying is best countered and quashed in the earliest stages of it. The best time to stand up for yourself is during the “testing phrase”- when bullies are testing you to see what how you will react and what you’ll allow them to get away with.

You must stand up to bullies and abusers before they’ve had time to grow accustomed to abusing you.

Treat yourself better by not allowing others to abuse you, because how you treat yourself shows in how you allow others to treat you. Remember that you deserve better and you don’t have to put up with abuse from anyone.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

18 Ways of Adult Survivors of School Bullying

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Brain inside stomach to represent the gut instinct

Targets of school bullying often learn tough lessons- lessons that they carry into adulthood. Bullying shapes their personalities, and the ways they do things once they leave school and move away from their tormentors. Because I’m an adult survivor myself, I can tell you what I and most other survivors took from it. School bullying changes targets. It changes the ways they do things and their attitudes, and the way they handle people because, again, it teaches them many hard lessons, which they carry into adulthood. Here are the 18 ways of adult survivors of school bullying:

1. ADult Survivors of school bullying Watch other People Closely.

Their experiences with bullies during school sharpened their emotional and social intelligence -Because they learned very early on how truly evil people can be, they know how to watch people without looking like they’re watching them. Adult survivors of bullying note body language, facial expressions, micro-expressions, tonality, delivery, and demeanor. Their people-sense wasn’t fully developed during school years. Therefore, they often let those in their lives who were only there to do harm and paid dearly for it. Therefore, as adults, former targets watch closely and avoid such people.

Saying no means saying yes to your rights

2. They don’t fear saying “no” and will sometimes say it simply because they can!

When they were schoolkids, bullies violated their boundaries to such an extent that they (the bullies) silenced them and never allowed protest when something didn’t feel right. People either duped or forced the targets to take a lot of abuse. Now that they’re adults, they get to decide what they will and will not tolerate. Adult survivors of school bullying exercise that freedom and autonomy every chance they get! Moreover, they get a feeling of empowerment from saying no.

3. they are no-nonsense adults.

They’ve learned early on the games people play, and you won’t dupe them easily. Adult survivors of school bullying  live by the old, “fool me once…” saying and hold it close to their hearts.

positive bullied victim says NO

4. they’ve a very open and solid refusal to take any crap from anyone, no matter the consequences they may face for that refusal.

I’m no exception. Former targets of school bullying took enough crap in school from classmates and a few rotten apples, who called themselves school staff that they’ve become even more determined as adults not to let others violate their boundaries.

5. they don’t give people many chances. To them, first impressions are important, so you’d better make it count.

One red flag, I’m gone!
One bad vibe, goodbye!
Any attempts to bullshit, see ya!

This is due to having been too forgiving of others when these former targets were young. Others took them for granted and mistook their kindness taken for weakness. They then exploited that kindness, much to the targets’ humiliation. And adult survivors refuse ever again to be put back in that position.

girl walking away from fake friends

6. adult survivors work their asses off! they’re tenacious when it comes to getting what they want and will stop at almost nothing to reach success.

Adult survivors of school bullying had enough of what they didn’t want while in school. Others called them “failures” so many times that it lit a fire under them. It made them that much more determined to succeed at everything they set out to do, if for no other reason than to show the haters and naysayers (even our ex-school bullies) that they can! Show them up and shut them up is another motto of the former target of school bullying.

7. they like having control over their own lives and will do anything to keep that control.

Survivors of school bullying had enough of others taking control of their lives long ago, and they will shut down the first person who tries to take away their personal power.

8. they can spot a bully five miles away in the dark.

Yes! Adult survivors are that good! For years, they dealt with bullies in school on a daily basis. They know the signs by heart. So, naturally, they would be good, nearly expert, at pointing them out.

Businessman with X-ray vision

 

9. As adults, they either avoid bullies like the plague, or, they take extreme pleasure in putting bullies in their places.

Adult survivors of school bullying looove standing up to bullies and they will call them out every chance they get. They love to make bullies feel like the losers they are. Adult survivors do this, remembering all the times they didn’t or couldn’t defend themselves in school.

10. they have thick skins that has become difficult for others outside their circle, to penetrate.

That’s the power of the former target of bullying. They love being unpredictable and keeping others on their toes to try and figure them out. It’s fun to them.

11. they can’t stand to watch others being made fun of and will rush to their defense.

Former targets of school bullying are not afraid to get nose to nose with a bully if need be. They do it not only to help the person being bullied but subconsciously, to make up for all the times they felt helpless. This compensates them for all the times they didn’t or couldn’t defend themselves against their bullies in school.

Two men and a woman getting kicked out

12. adult survivors of school bullying can smell horseshit like a bloodhound.

If someone tries to feed them a load of hogwash, they know it instantly and instinctively. Adult survivors see it as an insult to their intelligence and become highly PO’ed. Why? Because they know the lying person must think they’re too stupid to figure them out. And they won’t hesitate to call the person out!

13. They can More easily pick up on the emotions of others.

They cannot stand the thought of causing emotional or physical harm to another person, but only if that person isn’t trying to harm them first.

14. they place extra value on their families and friends.

Adult survivors of school bullying take extreme care not to take those they love for granted. They know what it’s like to be completely alone and not to have any friends. Therefore, they cherish family/friends and time spent with them.

Sky writing that reads, "Actions speak louder than words."

15. Adult survivors of school bullying are, in some ways, selfish.

I know I am. Former targets put a lot of value on themselves and their wants, needs, and interests- all because others didn’t value them as kids during school. So, they make it a point to put themselves first in almost everything. Their children and parents may be the only people they put ahead of them.

16. Words don’t convince them. Only actions and patterns do.

Back in the day, others duped them. Adult survivors of school bullying heard a mountain of empty promises and cheap words and paid dearly for believing them. They’ll be damned if they ever repeat that mistake.

Speech bubble that reads, "Get out!"

17. they live by our gut instincts-

Even better, adult survivors trust them because they paid a heavy price for ignoring them. They now have a sixth sense. Adult survivors of school bullying are excellent at picking up vibes (especially bad ones) and reading people and their intentions. If something or someone doesn’t feel right, they won’t hesitate to either walk away or tell the suspicious person to take a long walk off a short pier.

18. Tell them they Can’t and the adult survivor of school bullying will do it anyway.

And they’ll do it just to show you they can. Tell them not to do something and they’ll do it and take pictures. When another person tells them that they can’t do something, anything, the adult survivor will see it as a challenge. And they’ll do it anyway, sometimes right in front of you, just to show you up.

Speaking for myself, being bullied as a kid in school has not only made me a very powerful adult; it has also exponentially sharpened my people-senses, which in turn has afforded me not only scores of friends who love and respect me, successes, and even more opportunities, but ultimately, an enriching life!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullied Kids Embracing the Suck

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Embracing The Suck

Life circumstances can sometimes trap young targets of bullying in a school that hates them. It’s easier to get out of a toxic environment when you’re an adult target bullied at work. you can transfer, and if you can’t transfer, you can always quit. However, when you’re a minor, it’s almost impossible. What if your family cannot afford to move to a new school district? Also, what if your parents refuse to move or to transfer you? What if your parents can’t afford to home-school you?

There’s nothing worse than being stuck in a toxic environment and in a horrible situation. When everyone in the school is bullying you and there’s no way of escaping it, it’s the feeling of entrapment! Just imagine finding yourself in this situation and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it! You can’t get away from it! You’re just stuck there!

So, What Do You Do?

You embrace the suck. Embracing the suck means that you just grin and bear it. You just accept the god-awful, crappy mess that plagues your life because there’s no other choice. In other words, you’re just plain screwed and there’s no way out of it. You decide to live with it and  make peace with the possibility that things may not get any better. And yes, it sucks!

Sadly, targeted kids are stuck in schools with a toxic culture of bullying. Other classmates attack these kids daily. They attack them psychologically and physically. Teachers and principals view these children unfavorably because bullies have them convinced that the targets are the instigators. Therefore, school staff are constantly watching these young targets, waiting for a reason to drag them into the principal’s office.

These kids suffer from plummeting grades and poor school performance because circumstances force them to live in survival mode. Why? Because preparing for a hostile learning environment takes priority over studying and learning. Therefore, school staff see them as lazy and hopeless and refuse to give them the extra help they need.

Gee! That’s an awful lot of suck!

And how much suck can one child deal with?

Understand that if you’re a child dealing with these types of circumstance, you don’t have to just “embrace the suck.” There’s always School Choice. Nowadays, families can apply for vouchers that allow them to transfer their child to a new school. These vouchers have saved countless targets from years of toxicity. Also, there are other things you can do if, by chance, School Choice isn’t an option where you live:

  • document the bullying and have your parent or legal guardian help you with your documentation.
  • Also, depending on the jurisdiction you live in, hide a body cam or digital device in your backpack or on your person.
  • Thirdly, practice self-care.

And keep the faith. School Choice may not be available in your area now but it doesn’t mean it won’t be later.

You are not completely powerless. Do the above three things because they are the things you have control over. When you document and record the bullying, and practice self-care, not only is it probable that you’ll change the dynamic, but you’ll feel so much better about yourself. You will also feel that you have, at least, some control.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

3 Signs that Verbal Abuse will Turn Physical

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There are three signs that verbal abuse will turn physical. Moreover, you would be surprised at how quickly and easily a bully (or any abuser for that matter) can change from letting their mouths do the talking, to letting their fists and feet speak for them.

here’s a scenario you’ll probably recognize

Bullies have been verbally abusing you for quite some time. You remember how they began with subtle digs and zingers. Next, you noticed that they progressed to openly screaming at you, cursing you out like a dog. Now, they are making threats of violence against you. You’ve begun to feel afraid because you’re not sure when the bullying will become physical and what they’ll do to you when it does.

Understand that your bullies are still pushing your boundaries. Little by little, they up the ante to test you and figure out how you’ll react and see what you’ll let them get away with. So, they always start small. And they ever so gradually turn it up in teeny tiny increments.

So, how do you know when the bullying you suffer is about to become physical? Here’s how:

1. they invade your personal space

When bullies invade your space, it’s a surefire sign that things are about to get physical. They get a little too close. They’ll follow to close behind you as you’re walking down the hallway or street. They’ll stand too close to you in the lunch line or while you’re punching the time clock. They may even step in front of you and block you from going any further.

Therefore, to prevent a possible physical attack, the time to act is now! You must tell them in no uncertain terms to back off. And if they don’t, it’s time to strike first. Yes! You heard me correctly. I’m not beyond hauling off and punching someone in the nose if they get in my face and refuse to back up off me.

However, be aware that you may be in a place that isn’t suitable for punching a bully, like on the job or in class. In lieu of fighting, I recommend that you look the bully dead in the eye with the hardest glare you can muster. Then tell them in a low, growling voice to knock it off. And keep glaring at them until they avert their eyes away. Make sure you’re standing absolutely still and facing them in a power pose. (More on power poses later) The goal here is to put the fear of God in the bully.

2. they lay claim to your things and your territory

Also, bullies may also sit at your desk, pick up your belongings, or lean on your car. Understand that in touching your belongings, bullies are laying claim to what is yours. This is the time to assert yourself firmly. Tell them to keep their slimy, grimy paws off your stuff!

Messing with your belongings or destroying them is also considered to be physical bullying.

However, be forewarned that most bullies will see this as a challenge and dare you to do something about it. In this case, don’t be afraid to throw up your dukes. It’s your stuff they’re messing with and they’re doing it to see how far they can push you!

But, just as I mentioned earlier, if you use fisticuffs, make sure the time, place, and conditions are as close to right as possible. If not, do what I suggested at the end of the last section.

3. they will begin assaulting you and making it look like an accident

Bullies will begin their physical assaults through“accidental” shoves, pushes, and bumps. They may do things accidentally on purpose– “accidentally” running or bumping into you in the hallway or parking lot, “accidentally” tripping you or knocking you down, or “accidentally” knocking things out of your hands. They will say, “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to (trip, shove, run into you, etc.). And they’ll say it knowing damn well they did it deliberately. Also, you’ll know it too.

Moreover, they do it, thinking that maybe, just maybe, you won’t notice it’s escalating. After all, accidents happen all the time. No harm, no foul. Right?

The problem is that if bullies get away with these types of games, they’ll only escalate it until it gets out of control. And once bullying gets out of control, it’s almost impossible to stop or even slow it down. Again, it’s time to throw up those dukes! Remember not to doubt yourself and what you know and feel. And you always know when something is done on purpose. You can sense these kinds of things.

Like any other form of abuse, Bullying will only get worse if you don’t act.

Understand that bullying, or any form of abuse, always- always gets worse if you let it slide. Because it’s a dark part of human nature to push, push, and push further to see how far one can go.

Again, tune into your body and intuition because they will tell you whether what the person did to you was deliberate or an accident. If your senses tell you they did it on purpose, call it out and tell them to stop it right when it happens. If that doesn’t work and the bully keeps it up, it might be time to throw down. But, whatever you do, put a stop to it because it’ll only get worse if you don’t.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies Can Hide In Plain Site

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If you’ve ever been a target of bullying, have you noticed how bullies, their followers, and cohorts consistently brag and boast to others and among themselves about how they abuse you. They gloat to anyone who will listen to them, and people seem to get personal entertainment from it. And they’re not afraid to do it right in front of you.

You’ll hear statements such as:

“I beat the breaks off that *****!”

“That little punk got owned!”

“We sure put that wimp in her place!”

“When we see him, we’re going to cut him down to size!”

“We sure shut her down when she tried to open her mouth, didn’t we?”

And they do it while laughing and high fiving one another. In doing this, they openly admit that you’re their target and that they abuse you.

Yet, if anyone outside their group brings it up and, especially if you do, they will sneer, ridicule, and do their due diligence to silence you? They even deny that it’s happening, or they try and justify themselves.

So, prepare to be gaslighted

Have you even wondered why these people do this- openly brag about the abuse they inflict on you, then turn around and, depending on the person bringing it up or the overall circumstances and environment, try to cover up the abuse?

It’s because this is the best way for the bullies to hide the abuse in plain sight and sadly, it works like a charm and it’s hard to combat. But don’t lose hope. Know that these types of people always get a little too cocky and then get stupid. They’ve been getting away with stuff for so long that they push a little further, a little further. They keep pushing until they finally push over the line and end up hanging themselves. And the best part is that you’ll get to see it!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Physical Bullying: Should You Hit Back?

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It seems to be the question on everyone’s mind these days, especially in the notoriously politically correct climate in which we live. The media and politicians vehemently discourage fighting violence with violence. You’ll hear statements from others, such as:

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“Turn the other cheek.”
“Don’t stoop to the bully’s level.”
And the all-time favorite,
“Be the bigger person and walk away.”

I’ve heard them all.

self defense

Yes, you should try more peaceful ways first, like walking away from the bully or reporting it to someone in power. However, what if the more peaceful solutions don’t work?

If you don’t stand up for yourself, the bully will only continue to come after you and hurt you. Also, everyone who knows you will see you as a punching bag at school and everywhere else. Because when word gets around that one person can hit you and get away with it, everyone else will think they can too. They’ll peg you as the school or the community whipping boy. That’s no way to live.

In the middle of a physical attack, the last resort is the only option you take.

So, here it is:

When a bully physically attacks you, you have a God-given, primal, animal right to defend yourself from being harmed. I state this with full conviction!

Therefore, if a bully hits you first, haul off and knock his block off! And when you do, don’t just give him a love pat. Deck the creep with the strength of your entire body- hit so hard that the bully has difficulty getting back up. Then unleash a hail of hard licks so that he doesn’t get up. Because once the bully gets up, he will charge you!

Yeah. I know it isn’t the “politically correct” thing to do. But when someone is harming you, all that jazz about political correctness and being the bigger person goes out the window, and the gloves are off.

Make them Not want to put their hands on you ever again!

The only thing you should think of at this point is how to disable the bully. Additionally, you want to give him such a bad memory that he’ll never even think about coming for you again. You aren’t a troublemaker or a brute for this, folks! It’s called self-defense!

However, this doesn’t mean that you bring a gun or other deadly weapon. Lethal weapons will only kill someone, and put you behind bars for the rest of your life. Never EVER carry a gun to school! It’s much better to put up your dukes and throw down when you must.

Again, punch the bully’s lights out! School stuff may suspend you from school, and managers may fire you from work. You may even go to jail for a night or two. However, people are much more vicious with physical attacks nowadays. Furthermore,  if you just let someone smack you around, they’ll only intensify the beatings until they hurt you bad enough to send you to the hospital or worse! And I’d much rather them suspend me, fire me, or take me to jail than to spend a month in the hospital or end up six feet under.

You may not condone fighting but sometimes there’s no other option.

Nevertheless, you may not condone fighting. Although you may need to fight many times in school, you may hate it each time you have to. However, when you’re a 5’4″, 120-pound girl being jumped and most of the time by multiple assailants, it may be your only option. If you are a small-built male and the attacker is much bigger than you, it’s not the time to play patty-cake. There will be times when you’re boxed in and cannot go anywhere.

When there’s no other choice, it’s either fight or risk your bullies possibly maiming or killing you. Sometimes the last resort is the only way to protect yourself. You must let the bully know that you’re not the one to mess with and that you aren’t afraid to fight back if necessary.

There will be others who may disagree with this post, and that’s okay. I am very thick-skinned now and rarely do I get offended. I can agree to disagree. But I will do what I have to do to protect my well-being and my life if ever I’m in physical danger.

So, if all else fails, go ahead and whoop that ***!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Feel free to comment below.

When You Assert Boundaries, Get Ready for People to Accuse You of Having “an Attitude.” (Part 2)

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(Continued from Part 1 last month)

Your boundaries and standards are the invisible fortresses surrounding you with protection. They keep you safe from harm. When you set boundaries, it means that you don’t allow others to take advantage of you. It also means that you refuse to be a pushover and won’t let other people make you do things that aren’t in line with your goals, values, morals, or convictions. In short, you don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

And it requires that you call out anyone who tries to stick so much as one knee, one foot,  or one toe over those boundaries. You’re assertive but not overly aggressive. You’re strong but not overbearing. When you say no, you mean it, and you say it without feeling guilty over not saying yes. And when you do say yes to others, you can do it without saying no to yourself.

Sadly, it can be hard to set boundaries and standards, especially when dealing with overly-aggressive bullies who have anger issues. Our first instinct is to protect ourselves any way we can- even if it means we must appease these people to ensure our safety.

Many targets have zero boundaries and feel that to keep from being bullied worse than they already do, they must always bend over backward to make sure the people around them feel comfortable and at ease, which is wrong and a horrible way to live!

And sadly, that only works temporarily because bullies and abusers always come back for more.

Many targets don’t feel strong enough to keep invaders out of their bubble. And it’s because of this that they feel guilty and like failures when they’re unable to enforce their boundaries and standards. Targets also feel as if they’ve let themselves down, and, let me tell ya! It’s the worst feeling in the world.

I want you to understand that, no matter what others may tell you or how they may act, it’s okay to refuse their mistreatment and disrespect. It’s okay to say no to bullying by those who insist they have the right to cross your boundaries and invade your space physically, socially, psychologically, or spiritually. Know that you deserve a seat at the table of life, not one in the corner.

Setting boundaries and standards is not having an“attitude.” It’s your right! It would be best if you accepted that any limitations you put in place will get a ton of resistance. So, take this as a given! And again, look at it this way. The resistance you will get will be a sign of who your real friends aren’t.

Resistance is soooo telling! It can help you find out who’s really for your good and who isn’t.

It’s never good to be a yes-person, nor is it smart. Caring about others is great but caring too much is unhealthy. Boundaries and standards are needed because, without them, you subject yourself to living your life on autopilot- you’re a car without a steering wheel- a ship without a rudder!

But with them, you have a rudder, and you can chart your life’s course. The winds and currents may change, and the waters get rough, and you may indeed go off course, but you’ll still have some degree of direction. In setting boundaries and standards, you’re not completely powerless over what happens to you. You have some say over your destiny.

That’s why it’s so crucial that you stand in your power and speak your truth. Never dumb yourself down and make yourself less than the awesome person you are. Never settle for less than what you want and deserve.

Put yourself first instead of everyone else before you. Stop being a people pleaser. Stop putting your wants and needs on the back burner to keep others satisfied. It would be best if you practice self-love and self-care.

Accept that people won’t handle it well and be willing to let them go because they don’t deserve a seat at your table. And once you do, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much better life gets and how many people of integrity and sound quality come into your life. And I can say this from experience.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When You Assert Boundaries, Get Ready for People to Accuse You of Having “an Attitude.”

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Girl sitting on the ground and drawing personal space. Selective focus

Many times, when we set boundaries and refuse to lower our standards, we’re accused of having “an attitude.” Lord only knows how many times I got that response when I either said no to something I didn’t like or refused to be manipulated or to take abuse. Therefore, it’s better to accept, even embrace, the reality that others will see you as doing just that- having an attitude when you stand on your principles.

Toxic teachers will assume that you’re insubordinate. Abusive managers and supervisors will think you’re not a team player, and bullying peers will see you as a ‘difficult’ person to be around, and that’s only a very mild version of what they may call you.

Understand that anytime we enforce our boundaries and standards, we become threats to abusers. We expose the manipulative people in our lives through the limits we set and see them more clearly. Why? Because we force them to tell off on themselves through their very reactions toward us.

Through having boundaries and standards, we can better tell the difference between real friends and fake ones. We can better see which people are truly for us and value our friendship and which ones are only in our lives because they want something from us.

Like all abusers, bullies feel entitled to devalue you and expect you to “just go with the flow” and not object to it. With these types of people, your healthy boundaries and standards are an insult to them. Why? Because they don’t recognize limits.

In their minds, anything goes, and the world and everything in it is one big free-for-all. In other words, any rules, laws, or limits don’t apply to them.

Bullies and frenemies believe they should have carte blanche to treat you any way they choose. They get super offended when you get enough of their abuse and finally have the courage to put your foot down. Accept that you will lose people you think are friends when you establish boundaries and standards. And they will often be the people you’d never expect.

But realize that these peoples’ condescension and dismissal are only proof of their discomfort and their only recourse. Bullies can’t handle an assertive person of incredible strength because they can never meet them on their level.

Also, understand that you cannot grow, be safe, or be free if you don’t set boundaries, and in many cases, people go out of their way to prevent targets of bullying and abuse from imposing any limits. It seems that boundaries and standards are okay for anyone else but strictly prohibited for targets.

But realize that you cannot continue to live your life as a doormat. Therefore,  you must dig deep and pull out the courage to establish your boundaries, which include,

Physical boundaries

Psychological boundaries

Time boundaries

No entry sign with barrier tape

Material boundaries

Intellectual boundaries

You are a flesh-and-blood human being who has rights! And sometimes, you must “cop an attitude” to defend those rights and enforce your boundaries from relentless bullies and other fakers who won’t take no from an answer and continue to violate them.

When you set firm boundaries and standards and enforce them, you protect your physical well-being, emotional health, self-esteem, and identity from anyone who seeks to destroy them. You make yourself an individual human being who asserts your right to make your own choices and decisions.

(Continued in Part 2 Next month)