Category: abuse

Bullying Only Diminishes the Target’s Ability to Trust Him/Herself

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Why? Because the target’s judgement, decisions, and feelings are constantly attacked, negated, and condemned by others. When a target is bullied, they’re taught that, although the abuse they suffer is painful, they either shouldn’t feel, or they have no right to feel that pain because they’re to blame for the abuse they suffer.

Targets are conditioned by bullies, bystanders, even people in authority, friends, and family to just suck it up and negate their own painful feelings. In that, they’re trained either not to understand or to deny their own suffering and that bullies and others are abusing them.

Targets are trained to believe that other people’s vile behavior is their fault and that something is wrong with them, otherwise the bullying wouldn’t be happening to them. Targets are also snookered that everything that goes wrong is because of them. In short, they’re taught that the abuse they’re getting is somehow justified.

As a result, targets often withdraw because they become afraid that they’ll only attract bullies and bullying behavior from the people around them. As a result, targets are left feeling confused and inadequate.

Targets are made to think that:

They take things wrong.

They’re too sensitive.

They asked for it or had it coming.

There’s something wrong with the way they are.

There’s something wrong with the way they express themselves.

There’s something wrong with the way they come across to people.

Therefore, targets stop believing in themselves. Even worse, they lose trust in themselves, their abilities, and their capabilities. And once this happens, they become perfect victims for bullies.

Understand that targets suffer many attacks to not only their physical body, but also their psyche and their emotional being.

Even worse, their very souls are tired, their spirits broken, and they don’t understand their own pain nor why they feel it inside.

Being a target of bullying is a hell that no one who hasn’t been there can possibly comprehend. When you’re bullied, you’re in the fight of your life, and for your life. And when I say fight for your life, this doesn’t only mean fighting to stay alive, although it can.

“The fight for your life” can mean fighting for your self- esteem. It can mean fighting for your personal power and dignity. It can mean fighting to keep your confidence up and self-esteem from being broken so that the abuse doesn’t affect your grades, performance (at school or work), or worse, your ability to make smart decisions and life-choices. You’re fighting to keep the abuse from effecting your entire future. Most importantly, you’re fighting to maintain your health and your sanity.

Because you’re very much aware that if you allow these people to cause you to lose any of the above, then you unwittingly give them power over your entire life and every aspect of it. You may not end up dead, but you won’t really live, you’ll only exist. And that’s no way to live!

No matter what happens, stay strong. Hold on to everything mentioned above, or as much of it as possible. And most of all, know that none of the bullying you suffer has anything to do with you and that there are people out there who care. Keep the faith, keep believing in yourself, and stand strong!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Translating the Tactics Bullies Use

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Social Aggression: When Bullies Spread Lies and Rumors About You

The possible underlying messages are:

“I hate you, and I want everyone else to hate you too!”

“I’m jealous of your relationships!”

“I don’t want you to have friends! I don’t want you to be popular with others! I don’t want you to have support or protection because I plan to bully you again later! Any success you have in relationships will only highlight my lack of social graces or my own dysfunctional relationships! So, I’m going to destroy your friendships to punish you and make myself feel and look better than you! I’m going to trash your reputation so I can shine, and so people will pay more attention to your flaws than they will mine!”

Chess board and text “Strategic plan” Business planning concept

“I’m scared you’ll have more friends than me.”

“I’m scared you’ll have allies who will protect you from me and make me look weak.”

“I’m going to use you as a distraction from my own shortcomings. If people are too busy focusing on your flaws, they’re less likely to see mine.”

When Bullies Beat You up

The possible messages are:

“You challenged my authority over you and made me look like a punk! So, I’m going to show you who’s boss and ensure you never defy my power again!”

“I feel weak and powerless! So, I’m going to use my physical strength to hurt you, embarrass you and make you look weaker so I can feel and look strong to others!”

When the Bully Justifies Themselves to You or Others, or When They Blame You for Their Bad Behavior

The possible messages are:

“I’m so scared that you’ll see right through me! So, I’m going to make you doubt your sanity. I’m going to make you feel like everything I do to you is your fault! That way, you’ll be least likely to call attention to my terrible actions and make me look bad or get me in trouble with authority!”

“I’m so afraid you’ll expose my terrible deeds to others and damage the excellent reputation that I’ve falsely kept up for so long! So, I’ve got to make up any excuse that sounds plausible to keep my evils hidden and avoid facing accountability!

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“I’m scared that I’ll be found out and punished! So, I’m blaming you so that everyone will think you’re at fault and believe you are the bully! By accusing you, I can avoid responsibility, then get the green light to keep harassing you! Then, I can keep getting the psychological and emotional benefits I’ve been getting at your expense!”

So, you see? The bully’s treatment of you is about them! Not you! Learn to see through the bullies’ facades, and I guarantee that their attacks will have a much lesser effect on you.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

6 Things That Happen When You Call a Bully’s Bluff

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As we all know, bullies are convincing liars. But what happens when they finally get called out on their lies and evil deeds. Let’s use scenarios to find out.

For example, you’re a target of bullying. You find out that the one friend you thought you could trust has been spreading your deepest secrets and spreading lies behind your back while only pretending to be your best buddy (This can apply to both school and workplace environments). When you confront her, here are her possible reactions.

1. She will deny it or, at the least, try to avoid the subject. How you’ll know she’s dishonest? She will change the subject by talking about a topic irrelevant to the issue while appearing to be busy doing a task. Girls are known for this.

2. She will become irate and go on a tirade. She may even yell and curse at you. She may turn it back on you and accuse you of being paranoid, crazy, a crybaby, etc. But understand that she only looks and sounds desperate when she does this. Know that this is just another dead giveaway, and most bullies get highly defensive when they’re afraid they’re busted.

Understand that most bullies will get loud. They scream, yell, and pound their fists, curse, and swear when they fear exposure. However, don’t let this scare you because the dramatics and theatrics they display only mean that the bullies are desperate!

3. She will lay guilt trips on you.

“Well, if you were my friend, you wouldn’t believe…”

“If you were a true friend to me, you wouldn’t even question my loyalty.”

Don’t buy that garbage. The person is just trying to make you feel guilty or trying to intimidate you into silence. If your so-called friend was the only person you told any secrets to or knows about your life outside of the school, workplace, or organization, it’s a safe bet they’re guilty. And if enough people tell you that she is saying things behind your back, especially people you’ve never met or had any dealings with or people who aren’t a threat to you, she’s guilty!

Example 2: You have a bully on your back, and you’ve finally had enough. You call him/her out on his/her bad behavior and begin speaking out about the abuse she dishes out.

4. She will escalate the harassment to either punish you or intimidate you and shut you down. Understand that the bully is afraid of being exposed, facing accountability, and losing face and will stop at nothing to silence you.

5. He will justify himself with full conviction.

“If you didn’t always make trouble, I wouldn’t have had to hurt you!”

“If you weren’t so stupid, I wouldn’t give you such a hard time!”

“You made me do it because you always do this when you should do that!”

“If you would just do this, I wouldn’t have to do that!”

“You won’t shut up, so you deserve it!”

Again, don’t believe a word of it! Continue to report the harassment. You must protect yourself by speaking just as loud and with just as much conviction as the bully. Make plenty of noise because the wheel that squeaks loudest gets the grease!

6. She will slander you to everyone who will listen to her and try to turn others against you. Again, understand that this bully is afraid of being exposed. So she spreads rumors and lies to discredit you by distracting others from her appalling and embarrassing behavior by making you look like the guilty party.

If the bully can make you look bad and turn everyone else against you, she reaps several benefits.

a. She can intimidate you into silence and avoid any future risks of exposure.

b. She can discredit you, make herself look like the victim, and, therefore, gain attention and sympathy from other people.

c. She can successfully cut you off from any support you might otherwise receive.

d. She gets the green light to bully you again later and with impunity.

e. She gets to move up the social ladder and win more friends and allies.

f. She gets the satisfaction of maintaining power, domination, and control over another person.

As goes the old political quote from World War II, “Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.”

People pointing a woman hidden behind a computer

Understand that any smear campaign is designed to protect the guilty bullies from being exposed and shift blame onto innocent victims. It’s a tactic used since the beginning of time!

So, don’t shut up no matter what! Continue to call out the bullies’ behavior! And if they react like any of the above, tell them like it is.

Say this:

“The tirade isn’t going to work anymore” or “Go ahead and lie all you want. Everybody knows this is only retaliation because I had the gall to expose your deplorable behavior! Right,(the bully’s name)? Is that what this is, (Bully’s name)?”

Be sure to say the bully’s name at the end of the above questions because that really shakes a bully when you put his/her name on it!

If the bully says, “No!” Tell her in a fast and short tone, “Oh, yes it is, and you know it, (Bully’s name)!”

Counter. Everything. She. Comes. Back with!

4 Things Bullies and Abusers Do When You Finally Speak Out About Their Abuse

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If you’re a survivor of bullying and abuse and you finally begin speaking out about your bullies and their abusive behavior, you instantly put them on high alert. You put them in defense mode, and they will do one, some, or all of four things:

1. Lash out at you. This is, perhaps, the most revealing. Many bullies and abusers will go into a tirade. They’ll scream and yell at you, they’ll curse you out and call you the ugliest names- everything but a child of God. I know it’s difficult to do, but don’t panic and don’t be afraid.

See it for what it is- you just forced them to reveal their true colors because when your bullies (or former bullies) attack you by getting enraged and flying off the handle, that’s when you know you’ve busted them. Or, more appropriately, you’ve forced them to bust themselves! Yay for you!

2. Deny their abuse, and sometimes to your face. Lots of times, bullies and abusers may confront you either calmly or aggressively, claiming they never bullied or mistreated you. They may even through out subtle hints that you must’ve misinterpreted them or that you “have everything misconstrued.” Again, no matter how calmly or subtly they do it, this is gaslighting and it speaks volumes about their character.

3. Defame you. The second you see their bullying and abuse for what it is and call it out, is the second bullies and abusers lose control over you. If these people can no longer control you, they will control your image in the eyes of others. And they will tell everyone who will listen what a lowdown piece of garbage you are.

But, as difficult as it may be, don’t let it phase you. Realize that they’re panicking and in a mad rush to do some damage control because they’re afraid that word about their true nature just might get around and cause them to lose face.

Most of the time, your former bullies and abusers will tell others that you’re “crazy” and that you’re having some sort of mental episode. Again, they’re only revealing their true colors because if you weren’t telling the truth, they wouldn’t care and wouldn’t react so desperately. So, always see this as an admission of guilt.

4. Avoid you. These types won’t bother you. Instead, they’ll avoid you like the plague because they’re scared. Understand that this is the best outcome because if they’re avoiding you, you don’t have to worry about them abusing and bullying you again. Why? Because they know they’ve been found out and that word of their abuse is already very quickly circulating.

So, the last thing they want is to do anything that has even a scant possibility of making them look guilty because they fear their reputations are already on shaky ground. Although these people are cowards, they’re making the smartest move by simply staying away from you and avoiding even mentioning your name.

However, be advised that not all people who avoid you will stay away from you for long, they may avoid you long enough to defame you to others or they just might be secretly plotting revenge against you for daring to open your mouth. Different bullies and abusers react in different ways and may use any or all four of the above defensive measures.

You must realize that bullies and abusers, even those who are formerly so, count on your silence and they detest, or more appropriately, fear being exposed. Exposure is the worst thing that could happen to them because they risk losing respect in the community and other people seeing them for the monsters they are.

Bullies make everything about appearances and when you will back the curtain, you make liars and hypocrites out of them.

So, naturally, they’re going to either attack you, avoid you, or both. They may make statements such as:

“Well, we were just kids then.”

“But that’s all water under the bridge.”

“Just let bygones be bygones.”

Or

”Just let sleeping dogs lie.”

They may tell you to “get over it” or accuse you of bringing up old stuff. Understand that any time people make these statements, their main goal is to shut you up.

But they have other objectives as well:

1. To minimize their past brutality and the impact it all had on you

2. To make you look like a whiner who just can’t “let the past go.”

3. To cover their backsides and minimize any dents to their reputations or any backlash they might receive.

Again, don’t be afraid. Instead, see it as they’re unwittingly revealing themselves and let them go at it. Let them launch their personal attacks.

Before I close, I’d like to make another huge point: When you speak out about your bullies and their abuse, you force them to explain themselves. Anyone who must explain and justify themselves or their behavior is never in a powerful position.

So, in forcing your bullies to explain themselves you instantly snatch them out of their position of power and move them into a vulnerable position. In other words, you automatically turn the tables and leave the bullies in a very helpless and subordinate place. In short, you strip them of power. Ouch!

In forcing the bully to explain their past or present behavior, you instantly remove their “authority”- their power because neither power nor authority ever explains itself. It doesn’t have to.

Hence the reason bullies despise even the thought of having to give explanations because it puts them in a weak and subordinate position.

No wonder bullies get crazy when you out them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying and Confirmation Bias

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People will believe what they want to believe, and no amount of solid evidence will convince them if they refuse to believe it. Sadly, the only way confirmation bias has anything to do with truth is when the truth matches the belief.

If the truth doesn’t match the person’s beliefs, chances are strong that they’ll only deny it and look elsewhere for evidence that contradicts that truth.

Understand that bullies do the same when it comes to their targets. They seek to justify and explain away their cruelty and abuse and find arguments that support their opinions of the target. Bullies either don’t realize (or refuse to) that this creates problems.

Any time bullies disregard information that contradicts their beliefs, they either don’t realize they’re doing it, or they do know what they’re doing but don’t care.

Studio shot of playful disobedient adult son in red t-shirt, covering ears with index finger and saying lalala while wanting mom get mad, standing indifferent to argue, being impolite and childish.

For instance, bullies abuse the target, they get caught and are standing tall before a member of authority to answer for their abuse. So, the bullies tell the person in authority that there’s a good reason why they beat up the target and make up a cockamamie excuse for their brutality. They blame the target, saying that he instigated the fight by spreading a rumor that could cost them their reputations and they just had to teach him a lesson.

This justification has worked for them before, but this time is different. Instead of convincing the person in power that they had a good reason for bullying the target, and it backfires on them.

This is what confirmation bias is- it’s the tendency to recall, interpret, and favor information in a way that confirms a pre-existing belief.

Bullies commit this type of bias when they desperately search for evidence that supports their pre-existing beliefs of their targets. They will be selective in their stories of the target, either adding to or taking away from the truth, this is how they make their lies so convincing. They rarely tell straight up lies, they mostly take one tiny grain of truth and embellish it.

Bullies either blow it up, water it down, or heavily distort the truth. They are also good at (conveniently) taking things out of context. But understand this: all this is done deliberately. Bullies will distort anything to shoehorn it and make it fit their beliefs and agendas.

Bullies will even cherry-pick different parts of the truth, the parts that fit their beliefs, and then add their own spin to it to glue the pieces together to create their own version of the truth and make it sound believable. This is done so that it can fit the bullies’ existing beliefs.

Think about it. The media does this all the time. A witness may pull out their phone and film something terrible that is happening right before their eyes, they then send it to a news station to be broadcasted.

When the new media gets a hold of the film, they will edit out anything that doesn’t fit their beliefs or agenda and only show the bits and pieces of the film that best fits the story they wish to put out. If they get an audio recording, they will also edit it and create soundbites, only broadcasting fragments of the recording that best fits the story they want to tell the public.

It’s all the same.

Granted, each one of us looks at things from our own perspective, therefore, we all have a tiny bit of confirmation bias in us because everyone looks at the world differently.

However, bullies will take this to a whole different level, and they will twist, distort, embellish, and lie to get the answers they desire. And if it means denying solid evidence- any solid, concrete evidence which is in the target’s favor, then that is what they will do.

Understand that the reason bullies do this is to discredit their targets and skew the perspectives of any bystanders and authority members to create prejudicial and negative views of and attitudes about the target.

And to make it sound even more truthful and further cement the hatred of others against the target, they will repeat and repeat again the same false narrative a million times.

It’s so important that we understand the mindsets of bullies, their tactics, and their intentions behind such tactics. It’s also important that these tactics have names and that we know those names and how to describe them. Only then will we be better able to speak out about them and be our own advocates should we become targets of bullying.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies with Anger Issues

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Many bullies have anger issues. If you’re a target of these types of bullies, I want to warn you that things can get dangerous very quickly. These overly aggressive bullies will make you pay dearly when you don’t bow down and let them have their way with you. And they usually come back at you with explosive outbursts of rage, vicious cursing, and name-calling.

This kind of person is like a petulant child throwing a temper tantrum. Bullies of this caliber will:

1.turn red-faced, curse and scream at you to the top of their lungs,

2. call you the vilest names

3. hurl objects at you from across the room.

4. destroy your personal property

Retro Emoji rage anger boiling woman face pop art retro style

Many of my classmates were these types- people who had only reached a two-year-old’s maturity level and stopped there. It seemed that when I wouldn’t be their puppet, they’d get physical and try to beat me into submission.

Understand that these kinds of bullies can’t ask for what they want respectfully because, if they do, they’ll only be giving you the freedom to say no. They would give you a chance to cut those puppet strings. Then where would that leave them?

It would leave them without a target.

Some of them will threaten you with:

1. “If you don’t do this, I’ll kick your a**.”

2. “If you say that, I’ll beat the sh** out of you.”

And some may not. But! You know the threat is there because these bullies will give you that threatening look or they loom just a little too close to intimidate you. Their body language speaks for them. Their nostrils will flair like a bull getting ready to charge, or they face you with a threatening stance while clenching their fists. They are the classic bullies.

Realize that overly aggressive bullies are so afraid of losing control of you. They react with rage if you don’t comply or take the abuse.

As I type this, I think about one bully, in particular, I’ll call her Kitty.

If there’s one thing I remember about her, it’s her volatile temper. During the eighth grade, I remember standing in the lunch line, and Kitty shoving me from behind and screaming at me to move. She pushed me so hard that she almost knocked me to the floor.

I don’t know what came over me that day, but people had bullied me for a few years, and I finally got fed up. I shouted back, telling her to keep away from me and not to ever put her hands on me again. Suddenly, her eyes flashed, and she grabbed a steak knife from the utensil section. Back then, schools used real silverware, not plastic cutlery. And she lunged at me with it.

To this day, I can still remember the white-knuckled grip she had on the potential weapon. Luckily, the principal and several male teachers grabbed and restrained her before she could attack. And mind you, Kitty was a huge 200+ pound, and close to six feet tall gargantuan. I was only, maybe, 110-120 lbs and five foot three or four. So, she could’ve done considerable damage without the knife. Lord knows what she would’ve done with it.

Then, there was the incident in the principal’s office after she’d tried to attack me in the classroom when she went berserk and grabbed the principal’s nameplate off his desk and charged me with it. Luckily, the principal and another teacher restrained her.

So, I want to warn you that, yes, such people exist and they’re dangerous. It’s best to avoid these types of bullies if possible. However, understand that overly-aggressive bullies are the type who will also hunt you down if you’re not available.

Kitty was that type. You couldn’t avoid her for long.

If a bully tracks you down, I can only tell you this. If the school won’t punish these crazies, the best thing to do is document the bullying and keep a journal of it, using the 5W rule. You should also contact the police and get a restraining order against these kinds of bullies. In doing these things, you establish records of past abuse, and these records can serve as evidence in court in the event the person maims you, or worse. You may also need to transfer schools to ensure your safety.

Do everything you can to take care of yourself and stay safe.

When Bullies Discount The Target’s Pain and Suffering: The Subtext of It

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Bullies are notorious for abusing their targets, then turning around and discounting their normal, understandable, and justifiable sadness, fear, anger, and depression that result as a direct cause.

But understand the subtext of your bullies’ actions and discounting of your pain-

“Your feelings mean nothing.”

“Your pain and suffering aren’t real and don’t matter.”

“You’re not allowed to be sad, angry, scared, or depressed when we abuse you.”

When bullies discount your pain and suffering, they may make statements such as:

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re such a crybaby.”

“Can’t you take a joke?”

“You’re jumping to conclusions.”

“You’re blowing everything out of proportion.”

“You’re always on the defensive.”

“You’re taking stuff too seriously.”

“It’s only in your imagination.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re always trying to start something.”

“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

…and the list goes on

The target may wonder why it is that he’s always in the wrong when he doesn’t mean to be. Understand that this is victim-blaming. And the bullies must blame you to keep from having to take responsibility for their behavior.

If nothing else, remember this:

You always know when something doesn’t feel good. So never doubt what you feel. Never second guess what you feel in your gut. Always listen to that jab in the pit of your stomach because your body never lies.

Then respond accordingly.

Bullying and Bias Go Hand in Hand

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Humans tend to be selective of those who are more like them because sameness brings comfort and security. We can choose who to date, who to be friends with, hang out with, and with whom to do business. We choose who we choose.

I can agree that we have the right to choose the people we associate with. What we don’t have the right to do is mistreat, dehumanize, and demonize the people we don’t choose. Although we may not like certain people, we should respect their right to human dignity and to exist. We should let them go on with their lives and pursue their happiness, goals, and dreams, rather than try to hold them back just because they’re different from us.

Though we may not like a person, we must know that that person is due the same human rights. And where we go wrong is when we regard anyone different from us, “the enemy,” solely on their differences and not because of any actions they’ve done against us.

In deeming someone an enemy without just cause, we force them to become our enemy by the abuse we commit against them. Our offense justifies their defense. We make them an adversary by provoking them to fight back and defend themselves.

Biases can cause a kind of tunnel vision in that we can’t see outside our comfort zones. Sameness and familiarity may make people more comfortable and give certainty and security, but, on the downside, it causes narrow-mindedness and short-sightedness. It produces blind spots, and the more biased we are, the more we miss, or rather, reject information that may broaden our horizons and make us better and more informed people. In short, it promotes blindness to the world around us.

It’s like living in a small town all your life and never venturing outside the city limits. There’s so much you miss because there’s a much bigger world outside that small town.

It’s the same with selecting the same types of people to be in your life- people who look like you, think like you and act like you. You cheat yourself out of meeting many people who are also great and exciting. You miss out on people you could learn from and who would otherwise be significant assets to your life- people who would otherwise be great friends and add love and positivity to your life.

After all, “variety is the spice of life.” Right?

On the other hand, when you base your biases only on character and open yourself up to people who are different from you, you open yourself up to a much wider world. You broaden your outlook, widen your vision, and open yourself up to a broader range of ideas that might add benefit to your life.

With knowledge comes empowerment.

The Dangers of Copping Out Behind Victimization

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Too many survivors use victimization as justification for wrongdoing. They feel that because they suffered, life owes them somehow. I have seen people mistreat others merely because of the bullying they suffered in the past and think that it’s the only way they can feel empowered again. Sadly, I was guilty of the same thing in high school. It isn’t something I’m proud of today.

Example: Some people may choose to rob a bank or burn down a corporate building because they grew up poor and felt like they didn’t get a fair shake in life. Again, they feel like the world owes them and that there’s justification for striking back against a system they believe screwed them over.

When the law finally catches up with them and hauls them off to jail, they become even more embittered because the perpetrators feel that being held responsible for what they did only further evidences that they aren’t getting a fair shake.

These criminals fail to realize that we’re all still responsible for our actions regardless of what happened to us in the past. Evil behavior always brings consequences. You reap what you sow.

Past victimization does not justify wrongdoing. Ever! A reason does not equal an excuse. We’re all responsible for our lives, whether or not we admit it.

I could have gone on bullying others because people bullied me in the past. But where would it have gotten me? Nowhere! That behavior would have only brought consequences and more misery.

Wouldn’t it be better to learn from adversity and take accountability for your life? To try and make your life better than it was in the past? Of course, it would.

I promise you. You will be so much better off.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Living in The Past Is a Hallmark of Victim-Mentality

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A while back, a fellow blogger inspired this post with a comment, and she was spot on with it. For the life of me, I cannot remember who the blogger was, but I’d like to thank her in advance.

Sadly, too many survivors of bullying still render themselves, victims by living in the past. They constantly ruminate over the bullying they endured, wondering if they could have done anything differently and wishing they had.

They look back with remorse, shame, guilt, and regret. Now, it’s normal to do right after you’ve gotten out of the toxic environment that encouraged the bullying. I completely understand because I did it too. However, when this goes on for years and years, you only hold yourself back. Unnecessary baggage only keeps you down.

Many survivors trap themselves in an endless cycle of what-ifs. They keep themselves stuck and forgo opportunities to learn from and grow from their experiences. Some seek revenge. Others only bury it, live in denial, and try to rewrite history.

Understand that this is a waste of your time.

On the other hand, some survivors become conquerors. They acknowledge that, yes, the bullying happened, and, yes, it was painful, then aspire to learn and grow from it.

I realize that, once you’re out of an extremely toxic environment, there will be a period of grief. Again, completely understandable. It’s okay to mourn the loss of time bullying caused. It’s okay, even recommended, to feel angry and hurt for a while. In no way should you ever trivialize this period of mourning because it’s real, and it happens to survivors when they’re fresh out of an abusive situation.

And different people have different periods of grief.

My crying stage lasted a month; yours may be a lot longer or shorter. It depends on the person. Some may choose to get therapy, and others won’t. But there comes the point when you must move on and not allow it to take over your life. Don’t let your bullies live in your mind rent-free for too many years. They’ve already taken away enough of your life. Don’t you think?

You owe it to yourself to heal and begin to accept what happened, then learn and grow from it. Only then can you reach empowerment and find happiness.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Resilience of The Target of Bullying

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Understand that we, as humans, know what we need to nourish and flourish. And if we’re not getting what we need and want in our current environment, we’ll get it somewhere else.

Targets of bullying are like flowers that lean toward the sunlight to grow.

If you’re a target of bullying, you will find someplace where you’re accepted. You will find friends. You’ll find love, and you’ll find happiness.

My bullies weren’t able to keep me bullied and broken. After I moved to a new school, their power ended. I was no longer within their reach. As badly as they wanted to, they couldn’t keep me under their bootheel forever. I moved on to a place with people who accepted me as I was.

Understand that bullies can only keep you down for so long. They can’t do it forever. There’s always somewhere people will accept you- just for being your awesome self. Always remember that. There’s always a better tomorrow!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

This is The Ultimate Power Take-Back!

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You can take any abuse you suffer and use it for the benefit of others. That’s a success, and it’s the best poke in the eye/slap in the face to your abusers.

I say this because I get plenty of pushback from a few of my old pals from way back when. Think about this; if you speak your truth and your former abusers lash back, it’s because they feel intimidated.

If they didn’t feel threatened, if your voice weren’t powerful enough to intimidate them, if you weren’t speaking the truth, they wouldn’t be pushing back so hard.

The reason why you’ve probably gotten a few nasty or threatening messages is that your former abusers know you’re telling the truth, and they’re scared to death of being exposed.

Here’s another point I want to make: Your bullies are more than likely angry they failed to accomplish their objective, and that objective was to destroy your life. They expected you to drown- to crash and burn, and you didn’t! That’s a huge disappointment to them and a blow to their fragile egos! And now, they’ve come back to try and finish the job.

But the good thing is that you should welcome their pushback because it only shows that they’re desperate. It should only inspire you to double down and spread awareness of bullying and reach out to targets with your message.

Their abuse should make you even more determined to continue warning others that, yes, such people exist. In my situation, it only compels me to call out the tactics and mindsets of bullies and expose them to show the targets of today what to look for. In short, bullies and trolls only light a brighter and hotter fire under me. And they should you too.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Sometimes Distance Can Be a Good Thing

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When a person deals with people who criticize them daily, it can quickly wear her down and break her spirit. Sadly, many people disrespect the same target repetitively over several years. They will eventually train that person to tolerate it if he isn’t careful and doesn’t safeguard his mind by doing things to maintain a strong sense of self.

If you’re a target and you stay silent and continue to put up with it, you are, in essence, permitting your bullies to keep abusing you. ‘You see? Here’s how abusers and most bystanders see it, and I’ve heard many perpetrators and witnesses say it out of their mouths.

“If he puts up with it, then he deserves it!”

 

No! You don’t deserve it. Ever! You have every right to stand up to abuse because it’s a form of violence. The person is violating your boundaries, and it’s up to you to protect those boundaries.

Understand that this is your life, and no law says you have to take crap from anyone.

My grandmother, God rest her soul, tolerated a truckload of abuse as a young woman in her twenties and thirties. The time she was living in was the fifties and sixties. During that era, society expected women to stay silent and submit to abuse.

She had a narcissistic husband who violated her boundaries at every turn. He even lorded over the children too. This beautiful woman dealt with mistreatment from others as well. My grandmother was the very definition of class and grace. She was tall, thin, and gorgeous- the poster lady of feminine beauty, especially during that era. More importantly, she was kind, humble, generous, and smart! Nothing got past my grandmother!

Yet my grandfather never acknowledged her virtues and good qualities and instead, devalued her. He was jealous of her beauty and her smarts. She used her smarts to battle the abuse, and it would enrage him every time she’d trick him. But eventually, she got tired and fed up.

She finally got angry with herself for putting up with his abuse all those years. That’s when she waited until he went to work, then drove into town and filed for a legal separation. Next, she had all the locks changed, and when he got home, she handed him the papers, had his bags packed and ready for him, and told him to get out.

My grandfather was stunned. He never expected her to leave, and for a long time, she hadn’t. Her love for him was that strong. But in the end, she had to love herself enough to walk away from the marriage.

And she needed to love herself more than she did him, which took a lot of strength and courage. She was surprised at how much better her life got once she got over the grief from the divorce.

He stalked her for a while, driving by the house and trying to keep tabs on her. But she continued to hold firm, and she never took him back.

But that was my grandmother. She was a rock, and it’s how I remember her.

The point of my story is that putting distance between yourself and abusers, whether they be an abusive partner, an authoritarian boss, or abusers at work or school, is essential to finding peace of mind. All of the above are bullies and don’t deserve a seat at your table.

It’s why I left Oakley and I choose not to go to any future class reunions. And it’s the reason my telephone number was always unlisted when I lived in Oakley for a little while as an adult during the late ’90s and early 2000s. I didn’t want to risk the possibility of any former bullies looking me up in the directory and finding not only my number but my street address.

And even today, none of them know where I am. All those people know is that I no longer live in Oakley, and I intend to keep it that way.

Hit the road concept, road – 3D rendering

Distance is a blessing, and it’s the best weapon against bullies. It pays to stay away and ensure that they also keep away.

If it’s possible, targets should put as much distance between themselves and their bullies as they can. As long as you’re out of their reach and they stay away from you, they can’t bother you.

7 Ways to Make Yourself Less a Target

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Before we begin, I want to assure you that the bullying you suffer isn’t your fault. There’s nothing wrong with you, nor did you do anything to bring it on yourself. So, if you feel the title of this post has undertones of victim-blaming, please be assured that you’re not to blame. However, what it does say is that you’re not entirely powerless, which is excellent news! There are ways you can lessen the bullying and make yourself more charismatic.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Practice modesty. Targets of bullying will sometimes incessantly talk themselves up. I completely understand why they do this. When people are always putting you down, sometimes your first instinct is to build yourself back up and make yourself feel better and soothe your battered self-esteem. And understand that sometimes, you have to do this to feel better. However, doing this can make you a bigger target if you aren’t careful.

Never talk about yourself too much, and never try to bring too much attention to what you do. Nobody likes a braggart. And the more you talk about what you’re doing; the more suspicious of you people will be. Even worse, you’ll become a target of backstabbers and people who are jealous! Never toot your own horn. Be modest. Make it about others, not yourself.

2. It’s better to be nonchalant. Make everything you do look effortless.

3. Don’t pour on the flattery. Sometimes, targets of bullying will use excessive flattery to get in their bullies’ good graces, and it never works. I tried it when I was a kid to trick my bullies into leaving me alone. It only backfired. Too much flattery can make things worse because it makes you look like a suck-up. Or, your bullies might think you’re trying to run a con game on them, which will only get them angrier because they take it as your believing they’re stupid. Keep the flattery to a minimum, and for the love of Pete, don’t attempt to flatter the wrong people!

4. Get noticed. But don’t overdo it with being flashy or flamboyant. Sadly, targets of bullying will do anything, and I mean anything to be seen. I can understand because no one wants to be made invisible. But being gaudy will only make you a bigger target, and the last thing you need is to draw even more negative attention to yourself. Subtly create a style all your own.

5. Alter yourself to the people you’re around. But never too much. Keep enough style of your own so you don’t come off as a copy-cat. When you’re a victim of bullying, the last thing you need is for others to brand you a fake.

6. Bring good news. Keep any bad news to a minimum because people will shoot messengers of negativity. And if you’re a target of bullying, people already associate you with enough negativity. Why not shock a few people by bringing positivity?

7. Never criticize. Especially the wrong people. Being critical of others can make you seem like a drama king or queen and can escalate the bullying you suffer.

Doing the above things may not make the bullying stop entirely, but it can dial it down a notch or two. And the less of a target you are, the better!

You Can be Dangerous to Your Bullies If You Know How

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Having a moral compass and a strong sense of self is a huge threat to bullies. Why? Because those are things they don’t have. Bullies know that anyone with these qualities will see right through them and, even worse, blow the lid off the dirty secrets they try to hide.

Such a person is also a threat to the bullies’ popularity and social status. Anyone who has a moral compass and a strong sense of self is also more likely to be trusted and well-liked by others. They outshine bullies and make them look (and feel) like the losers they are. And they do it without trying! They do it simply by being their natural selves.

Should it be any wonder that these people attract so much hatred from bullies? Is it at all surprising that they have so many insecure people who try to tear them down?

Know that if you’re a target of such vile behavior, it isn’t because there’s anything wrong with you. It’s because there’s something right with you!

So, hold on to that!