Have you heard of the fairly new term, “selective outrage”? And do you know what it is? Here’s what it is and why it’s the most common manipulation tactic in the bully’s playbook.
Bullies are notorious for using this dangerous tactic against their targets. Therefore, in this post, you will learn what it is and the ways bullies weaponize it.
Once you discover all these crucial details, you will then be able to recognize it when it happens. You will also be able to call it out by name and defend yourself against this insidious bullying tactic.
This post is all about selective outrage so that you will be able to see it as it occurs, defend yourself against it, and overcome it.
Selective Outrage
So, what is selective outrage? It is when people ignore bad behavior in others, then turn around and condemn it when their victims do the same. They may also use it when the behavior threatens them.
This happens a lot in politics. However, you also see it in cases of bullying because, unfortunately, bullying and politics go hand-in-hand.
When bullies use this tactic against you, they may use “moral language to punish you for the same actions others get away with. Notice that the key word, here, is “selective.”
It’s not about the behavior itself; it’s about who’s doing it.
Why Do Bullies Use it?
Bullies use selective outrage for several reasons. Here they are.
1. To redefine rules based on hierarchy (power).
Here’s a simple description:
When bullies or anyone else interrupts a conversation, it’s a sign of confidence. However, when you do it, they label you as disrespectful.
Anyone else can gossip, and they’re only concerned. But when you gossip, you’re stirring up drama.
Therefore, they aren’t throwing a fit based on your behavior. They’re doing it based on your position in the social hierarchy.
Again, everyone else can get away with it. But because you’re a victim of bullying and at the bottom of the social hierarchy, you can’t.
Bullies are constantly shifting the goalposts. And they do it specifically for this reason.
2. Selective Outrage:
To claim the moral high ground.
Bullies are masters at pretending to be kind. In public, they may fake tolerance. They may also claim to be peaceful.
However, they usually behave the opposite way when they think that others aren’t paying attention. Moreover, they may have people and other entities who cover for them. Therefore, they become emboldened to abuse those they hate.
Bullies with power can do whatever they want, no matter how cruel. However, if you defend yourself, they come down hard on you. In other words, the outrage only comes out when you assert your rights to be treated with dignity.
They can abuse you for months, but the moment you respond in kind, it’s a problem.
3. to alienate you.
Bullies use it to reframe self-defense as aggression. They can walk all over you, and you’re supposed to take it with a smile. But the moment you as much as talk back, you pay a heavy price.
Why? Because they only push back harder to punish you for talking back. Moreover, they will frame your self-defense as either bullying or an overreaction. Therefore, they will convince others that you’re in the wrong.
And when bystanders and witnesses see you as the villain, you quickly lose allies and support.
4. Selective Outrage:
To Blame you for their behavior.
By using fake outrage to make their bullying look like self-defense, bullies blame you. And they convince others that they are the victims.
Bullies have been lying and covering up bad behavior all of their lives. They have been doing this long enough to know what works and what doesn’t.
Therefore, they are master manipulators who acquire great skill in the art of deception. They are the best wordsmiths and con artists, often using charm to deceive those in authority.
They may make “You Made me” and “You Make Me” Statements
Have you noticed that bullies always make statements such as, “You ‘made me’ do it!”? I’ll bet that you have. Bullies often make the following statements to justify their behavior and blame you.
- “You ‘made me’ or ‘make me’ hit you!”
- “You ‘make’ people want to hurt you!”
- “Don’t ‘make me’ hurt you!”
- “Don’t ‘make me’ mad!”
- “You make me hate you!”
These are all statements bullies use to gaslight you. They want to brainwash you into believing that their behavior is your fault. They need you and everyone else to believe that you somehow provoke them to act the way they do. That you made them lash out.
5. Selective outrage:
To fool Bystanders.
SO tricks bystanders into thinking that the bullies are only responding to injustice. In other words, they’re only holding you responsible for something you must have done wrong.
In that, the bullies come off as fair to others. However, if you pay attention, you’ll notice that accountability only rolls downhill and lands at the bottom. And if you’re a target of bullying, chances are that you’re the one on the bottom.
And those in authority will only side with bullies in power. Why? Their outrage gives them a believable narrative to justify their behavior.
wHY DOES it WORK SO WELL?
It works because most people mistakenly respond to emotional intensity rather than fairness. Language that is loud, emotional, and moral seems truthful. Moreover, human beings are hardwired to avoid social exclusion.
When bullies manufacture outrage, it’s not about being right. It’s about controlling others’ perception of you.
What are the benefits of SA?
- It helps your bullies to project their bad behavior onto you more successfully.
- It protects your bullies’ reputation.
- Also, it helps them to maintain their social status.
- It helps them to keep from losing their power and dominance.
If nothing else, understand this. Bullies don’t care about ethics. They only pretend to. What they really care about is maintaining the status quo and social order that benefits them.
Selective outrage is often unspoken but organized. In other words, it’s a coordinated attack because it never operates alone.
So, What are the ways Bullies Use Selective outrage?
There are several ways bullies use SO.
1. They project.
In other words, they project all their faults and shortcomings on you. In doing this, they successfully reverse the roles, making you look like the bully and themselves the victim.
Anytime bullies and abusers face possible accountability for their evil actions, they often cry to feign victimhood. This tactic is mostly used by female bullies.
2. They use double standards.
It’s “rules for thee and not for me.”
Bullies are the biggest hypocrites! Moreover, another unfortunate reality of bullying is that they almost always hold you to their double standards.
The bullies, especially those in authority, will often condemn you for statements and actions they allow others to get away with.
Often, people will get angry at you for things they’d never get angry at others for. In other words, bullies select whom to inflict their outrage on and whom to grant a free pass.
3. Selective Outrage:
They take away any merit you may have.
Here’s another thing to be aware of. Bullies and their followers personalize ideas and creations, which are independent things that should stand on their own merit.
In other words, bullies and others will undermine ideas or creations if they find out that they originated from you. On the other hand, if the exact ideas or creations come from anyone other than you, people will accept them. In fact, they may even praise them.
In short, it’s not about the idea or creation itself. It’s about who it comes from.
Sadly, the reality is that nothing- no action, statement, idea, or creation ever stands on its own merit. Nothing is ever independent of the person who conceived it.
4. They Claim that you had it coming.
Lots of times, when bullies abuse you, they’ll tell you that you had it coming. They may say that you made them do it.
- “You ‘made me‘ or ‘make me’ hit you!”
- “You ‘make‘ people want to hurt you!”
- “Don’t ‘make me‘ hurt you!”
- “Don’t ‘make me‘ mad!”
However, you must see all this for what it is. It’s all a way for your bullies to blame you and take the guilt off themselves.
5. They Imply that you must have provoked it.
For example, if you’re bullied at school, you report it to the principal. The principal then asks you, “What did you do to make that boy attack you?”
Sadly, school staff tend to take the bully’s side and blame the victim.
6. They Ask you what you could’ve done to avoid being bullied.
Authority figures are notorious for this. In many cases, they ask you, “What do you think you could’ve done to prevent John from cursing you out?”
If nothing else, understand this right now! When they ask you questions like these, they’re trying to put it off on you.
7. They Organize Physical Attacks.
Bullies may set up organized physical attacks to blame you for their abuse. What do I mean? Here it is.
They may stage fights with you and other people. This is designed to bait you. For instance, they may go to the others and tell them that you said something bad about them. And you probably didn’t. In fact, you probably don’t know the person.
Nevertheless, you have people you don’t know confronting you and threatening physical harm. And, sooner or later, one of them attacks you. Then, a week later, another person physically assaults you.
A month later, another person jumps you. And these attacks repeat themselves until people begin looking at you with suspicion. Why? Because the fights always seem to involve you.
Others can’t help but think, “Why would so many people want to jump Jackie if she isn’t provoking them somehow?”
But that’s the idea! If you are in this kind of predicament, this is precisely what your bullies were counting on! It was the plan all along!
In Conclusion
If you are a victim of selective outrage bullying, there are several things you can do to defend yourself against it:
- Name the double standards calmly. (“I’ve noticed that no one says anything to so-and-so when they did the same thing.”)
- Insist on clarity. (Would you like to clarify what the rules are so I can follow them?)
- Don’t get emotional. Remember that the goal of outrage is to provoke an emotional reaction. Don’t give them what they want.
- Document everything. This is the time to keep a bullying journal.
This post is all about selective outrage so that you will notice it when it happens and be better prepared to protect yourself from it.
Related posts you’ll enjoy:
1. Bullying and Double Standards: 3 Things Bullies and Others Get Away with that Targets Don’t
2. Seeking Approval: 5 Must-Know Reasons It Worsens Bullying