Tag: gradualism

15 Stages of Bullying and How It Progresses

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Bullying is a process.

1. Bullies search for a target.

2. Bullies groom the potential target

3. A target is selected.

4. Bullies signal to bystanders that the target is ripe for bullying.

5. Bystanders are encouraged to join in the torment and unite with the bullies against the selected target.

6. Bystanders then become bullies themselves.

7. The target is involved in many physical fights in trying to defend themselves and gets labeled by teachers and staff as the troublemaker.

8. Bullies and bystanders go home and tell their parents and family members what a terrible person the target is.

9. The parents and family members of the bullies and bystanders go to work or the supermarket and relay the stories about the target to coworkers and friends- stories they were told by their children, grandchildren, younger siblings or cousins, nieces or nephews that this target is a terrible person.

10. The coworkers, friends, and extended family members then pass what they’re told to their families and word of the target’s perceived evilness or craziness spreads throughout the entire community.

11. The target’s reputation is destroyed.

12. The target’s opportunities for love, friendship, jobs, careers, etc. are either limited or lost.

13. The target either commits suicide or leaves town to pursue a better life.

14. The target who relocates finally gets a fresh start and reinvents himself.

15. The target rebuilds his/her life, begins to flourish, and creates a better life for themselves.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Targets Never Become Targets Overnight

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Be very careful. Any time bullies select a potential target, they start out subtle and sweet with their bullying. They test the waters first- always. If the target overlooks their behavior, they move on to more obvious verbal abuse.

Here’s what verbal abuse does. It conditions the target to put up with abuse without them even knowing it. And bullies do it in tiny bites.

The target is unaware of the incremental, bit-by-tiny-bit eroding of their self-esteem. Because the process is so slow, it’s barely noticeable until it’s gone so far that it’s out of control. And by then, it’s too late.

Before long, the target is then blamed for the bullies’ bad behavior and is now a victim. Understand that the motto of bullies is, “might makes right.”

The best way to empower yourself is by paying attention to the vibes others put out,  how you feel, maintaining a sense of your own worth, and by seeing verbal bullying for what it is.

I learned about Power Over and Personal Power when I read the book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans about ten years ago.

In short, power over is what abusers use to lord over their targets and bullies are no exception here. And most bullies are desperate to keep that power because it’s the only power they can have. If there’s no target to have power over, one is created.

In her book, Patricia describes power over as the type of power that has clear winners and losers.

“Power over shows up as control and dominance. Personal power shows up as mutuality and co-creation.” (2010, Patricia Evans “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” p. 27)

Here’s Patricia’s explanation of personal power:

“Personal power is another way of experiencing power, one which doesn’t need winners and losers., dominant people and subordinates, and which doesn’t require power over an ‘other.’ Personal power works by mutuality and co-creation and may be considered a new way of being in and perceiving the world.” (2010, Patricia Evans “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” p. 29 para 4)

Understand that bullying is bullying whether it comes in the form of spousal abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, workplace and school abuse, or abuse of power and government tyranny. It all comes from the desire to have power over. It’s all abuse, it’s all bullying and every type of it starts out subtle- so subtle that you won’t even recognize what’s happening if you aren’t paying attention.

When we learn to recognize the subtleties, we will better be able to protect ourselves. And how we recognize subtleties is by observing and listening. We must observe body language, listen for the subtext, listen to our gut instinct, and pay close attention to how the actions of others make us feel.

And once we do, we’ll be better able to call out the behavior and spare our self-esteem from being slowly chipped away. In that, we’ll be better able to hold on to our personal power and live happier and more peaceful lives.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Targets Don’t Become Targets Overnight

Leave a comment

Be very careful. Any time bullies select a potential target, they start out subtle and sweet with their bullying. They test the waters first- always. If the target overlooks their behavior, they move on to more obvious verbal abuse.

Here’s what verbal abuse does. It conditions the target to put up with abuse without them even knowing it. And bullies do it in tiny bites.

The target is unaware of the incremental, bit-by-tiny-bit eroding of their self-esteem. Because the process is so slow, it’s barely noticeable until it’s gone so far that it’s out of control. And by then, it’s too late.

Before long, the target is then blamed for the bullies’ bad behavior and is now a victim. Understand that the motto of bullies is, “might makes right.”

The best way to empower yourself is by paying attention to the vibes others put out,  how you feel, maintaining a sense of your own worth, and by seeing verbal bullying for what it is.

I learned about Power Over and Personal Power when I read the book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” by Patricia Evans about ten years ago.

In short, power over is what abusers use to lord over their targets and bullies are no exception here. And most bullies are desperate to keep that power because it’s the only power they can have. If there’s no target to have power over, one is created.

In her book, Patricia describes power over as the type of power that has clear winners and losers.

“Power over shows up as control and dominance. Personal power shows up as mutuality and co-creation.” (2010, Patricia Evans “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” p. 27)

Here’s Patricia’s explanation of personal power:

“Personal power is another way of experiencing power, one which doesn’t need winners and losers., dominant people and subordinates, and which doesn’t require power over an ‘other.’ Personal power works by mutuality and co-creation and may be considered a new way of being in and perceiving the world.” (2010, Patricia Evans “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” p. 29 para 4)

Understand that bullying is bullying whether it comes in the form of spousal abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, workplace and school abuse, or abuse of power and government tyranny. It all comes from the desire to have power over. It’s all abuse, it’s all bullying and every type of it starts out subtle- so subtle that you won’t even recognize what’s happening if you aren’t paying attention.

When we learn to recognize the subtleties, we will better be able to protect ourselves. And how we recognize subtleties is by observing and listening. We must observe body language, listen for the subtext, listen to our gut instinct, and pay close attention to how the actions of others make us feel.

And once we do, we’ll be better able to call out the behavior and spare our self-esteem from being slowly chipped away. In that, we’ll be better able to hold on to our personal power and live happier and more peaceful lives.

How Bullies Condition Targets to Accept Bigger and More Severe Abuses and Violations

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toxic brainwashing

Gradualism and Incrementalism- drop by drop, bullies start off taking teeny-weeny bites out of the target’s self-esteem. They take it up ever so slowly, step by itsy-bitsy step- so slowly and so tiny that it isn’t noticeable. Yet the target feels something is off, that something doesn’t feel too good but can’t quite put a finger on it. It’s that subtle!

But here’s your first clue: Your body will know if you pay attention to it.

When you meet your bullies for the first time, you will pick up some pretty creepy vibes from these people and you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach. You’ll sense something about these creeps that feels “off.” And sometimes, you’ll feel it before the first words are exchanged.

You’ll sense them watching your every move, scoping you out, studying you like a specimen. Or you may look up from whatever you’re doing or turn around and happen to see, out of the corner of your eye, a few of these people eyeing you from a distance. Then you,ll see them look at each other and smirk and notice that eerie twinkle in their eyes. You might even see a micro-flash or two of contempt.

Don’t ignore this!

Understand that these bullies are sizing you up and probing to see if you respond or how you react.

They’ll then start committing slightly bigger violations. Understand that bullies do this deliberately to soften you up by making the abuse virtually unrecognizable… until it isn’t anymore. By the time it’s recognizable, the abuse is so severe and so out of control that the bullies and their minions can no longer help themselves and don’t even try to hide it anymore. Why continue to put in the work to hide something you’ve gotten away with for so long that there’s no incentive to stop? Right?

By the time the abuse becomes obvious, it’s usually too late because everyone has grown accustomed to bullying the target. In fact, they’ve gotten completely comfortable with doing so.

Close-up of woman in black T-shirt is cracking her knuckles gesturing willful and ready for doing something; or in another side; the bad behavior when in tension; concept of health care and medical.

And once they’ve grown accustomed to harming the target, it’s almost impossible for the target to get them to leave them alone no matter what the poor person does to protect himself.

When the target finally gets fed up and begins asserting themselves, bullies implicitly communicate through their actions that, “we don’t give a damn about your feelings or your pain, you’re a target and we damn well intend for you to stay that way because we get a payoff from it and hell will freeze over before we give up those benefits.”

At this stage, bullies only respond with anger and resentment when the target finally stands up to them. The unwritten message is,

“How dare he!”

PTSD

Bullies are super offended when someone they deem inferior finally grows a spine and they’ll do everything they can to break the target’s will to keep getting their sick, sadistic jollies.

“How dare he even attempt to take away our fun?”

My point is that conditioning starts out small and you must know how to recognize it when it first begins and is barely recognizable. Because, the longer it goes on and the bigger the abuses get, the harder it is to defend yourself against it and put a stop to it.

I can’t stress this enough.

And the one thing that will help you to recognize it is that your body will feel it and you’ll sense it in the vibes the people you’re dealing with put out. Pay attention.

The more you know…