Girl sitting on the ground and drawing personal space. Selective focus
Many times, when we set boundaries and refuse to lower our standards, we’re accused of having “an attitude.” Lord only knows how many times I got that response when I either said no to something I didn’t like or refused to be manipulated or to take abuse. Therefore, it’s better to accept, even embrace, the reality that others will see you as doing just that- having an attitude when you stand on your principles.
Toxic teachers will assume that you’re insubordinate. Abusive managers and supervisors will think you’re not a team player, and bullying peers will see you as a ‘difficult’ person to be around, and that’s only a very mild version of what they may call you.
Understand that anytime we enforce our boundaries and standards, we become threats to abusers. We expose the manipulative people in our lives through the limits we set and see them more clearly. Why? Because we force them to tell off on themselves through their very reactions toward us.
Through having boundaries and standards, we can better tell the difference between real friends and fake ones. We can better see which people are truly for us and value our friendship and which ones are only in our lives because they want something from us.
Like all abusers, bullies feel entitled to devalue you and expect you to “just go with the flow” and not object to it. With these types of people, your healthy boundaries and standards are an insult to them. Why? Because they don’t recognize limits.
In their minds, anything goes, and the world and everything in it is one big free-for-all. In other words, any rules, laws, or limits don’t apply to them.
Bullies and frenemies believe they should have carte blanche to treat you any way they choose. They get super offended when you get enough of their abuse and finally have the courage to put your foot down. Accept that you will lose people you think are friends when you establish boundaries and standards. And they will often be the people you’d never expect.
But realize that these peoples’ condescension and dismissal are only proof of their discomfort and their only recourse. Bullies can’t handle an assertive person of incredible strength because they can never meet them on their level.
Also, understand that you cannot grow, be safe, or be free if you don’t set boundaries, and in many cases, people go out of their way to prevent targets of bullying and abuse from imposing any limits. It seems that boundaries and standards are okay for anyone else but strictly prohibited for targets.
But realize that you cannot continue to live your life as a doormat. Therefore, you must dig deep and pull out the courage to establish your boundaries, which include,
Physical boundaries
Psychological boundaries
Time boundaries
No entry sign with barrier tape
Material boundaries
Intellectual boundaries
You are a flesh-and-blood human being who has rights! And sometimes, you must “cop an attitude” to defend those rights and enforce your boundaries from relentless bullies and other fakers who won’t take no from an answer and continue to violate them.
When you set firm boundaries and standards, you protect your physical well-being, emotional health, self-esteem, and identity from anyone who seeks to destroy them. You make yourself an individual human being who asserts your right to make your own choices and decisions.
Will you help me? My parents say they’ve been monitoring my chatting and online activities. My mother is usually quite invasive and I’ve never been able to keep a diary or maintain any of my interests in good faith. What should I do? I don’t feel I can keep adjusting. I don’t understand what the consequences of not cooperating with them are, though. I’m 23 and about to graduate.
I’m afraid I can’t help you much, as I don’t know much about your family situation. All I can tell you is that, if you have to, find a secret place to keep your diary, even if you have to go outside at night, but it in a ziploc bag, then in waterproof box and bury it somewhere where only you’ll find it.
Move out and create your own space.
Bingo!
This is so true and relatable. But the thing is, it’s those boundaries that you put in place that would help you push away those judgy, fake people. So I’ll say we stick to it.
Amazing post right here. 🤗
Thank you so much, Indigo! And you’re so right! These boundaries only expose the fakers who only pretend to want what’s best for you.
So much wealth of knowledge you have 👌😌❤️
Thank you so much! 💖🌺🌹
Well said. I have lost a lot of “friends” once I set my boundaries. They didn’t like that one bit. But I am much better off and much happier without those so -called “friends”.
Yes you are, Jeanne! Thank you so much! I love the fighting spirit in your comment! 💖🌺🌹
I am a scrappy fighter to the end. 🙂
Go get ’em, girl! 🥊🥊🥊💪💪💪
Great post! I had issues with boundaries, still do at times, but am getting better at it. Thanks Cherie for the great advice.
You’re most welcome, Stella! Keep up the good fight, sweetie! 💖🌺🌹
Oh honey, at my age I wish I knew then what I know now, cause those attitude accusations simply bounce off of me at this point. If you don’t set some boundaries, you will surely be bulldozed over by the cray cray from the craziest of crays!!! 😜😲😝
Hahaha! You got that right girl! “…the cray-cray from the craziest of crays!!!” 😎😎😎I love that! It’s so true, girl! You are so on it and I’m loving it! 💖🌺🌹
I’m so glad I’ve found your blog, Cherie; I’ve learned so much from the posts I’ve read, and I appreciate your advice and knowledge. At one time, I think I had many frenemies (I haven’t heard that term before – it’s excellent). Now, the friends I do have are fewer in number, which is fine, but they are kind and genuine friends who I enjoy spending time with. I’m learning all the time – you’re never too old to learn new things in life. Thanks for sharing your wisdom on this subject. 💜🥰💚
You’re most welcome, Ellie! I’m so proud that you’re kicking the fakers out of your life and taking your personal power back! You don’t know how proud I am of you, sweetie! 💖🌺🌹
Such great advice. I’m learning to uphold boundaries and it is truly freeing! (Hard at times, and I have lost fake friends along the way, but so worth it!)
I’m so proud of you! 💖🌺🌹And you’re so right, it’s very difficult at times, but at the same time, such sweet freedom!
Having boundaries is essential and if that becomes a threat to anyone then let it be so because that’s where your happiness lays…
Absolutely right! 💯 Thank you so much for this! 🤗