Bullies ritually beat their victims down to the point that the poor targets have come to view themselves through the eyes of their bullies. Toxic shame is, perhaps, the worst type of shame a person can have. Because once you begin to view yourself through the eyes of your abusers, that’s when you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
Their contempt, disgust, and aversion toward you have rubbed off on you, and you began to hate yourself. But I want you to understand that this is what your bullies want. They want you to hate yourself. Because the bullies know that if they can work on you and finally get you to hate yourself, they know they’ve won.
Your bullies aren’t stupid. They know that you’ll submit to the abuse because when a person hates themselves, they think they deserve abuse.
When a target of bullying suffers from toxic shame, they accuse themselves of sins of which they aren’t guilty. They apologize incessantly over things that aren’t their fault. Ultimately, targets feel guilty for merely existing!
Toxic shame causes one to lose trust in himself and their decisions and judgments, and become afraid to make them. Ultimately, it makes for a miserable life.
The points mentioned above are why we must guard our self-esteem and confidence. But before we can do that, we must educate ourselves on where bullying comes from, the mindsets of bullies, how to spot them before they strike, ways for targets to minimize the effects of bullying, and the damage bullying can do. Only then will we have the knowledge to empower, protect, and take care of ourselves.
This is what this blog is all about, and it’s my wish that targets and potential targets learn these things to defend themselves. Because if we can reduce the number of victims, we can then reduce bullying.
0 thoughts on “Bullying Can Cause Toxic Shame”
Cheri One thing I’ve always said is- “It’s a shame that people expose their weakness by belittling others”
Keep up the good work. I love reading your experience and perspective.
Thank you so much, Jeff. 😊
Excellent post! It truly puts things into perspective. I enjoy reading your work and hope that many have the opportunity to view it. Not only does it give great insight; but is also well written and structured!
Thank you so much. This means a lot! 😊
What about if you already have toxic shame? You articulated what I feel almost perfectly. But I can’t shake the feeling that, the person I’ve been will never be someone people accept or treat well or respect. To clarify, I grew up and was bullied relentlessly – not just at school, but even by my own family at home, and even later in life at college and at jobs. I’m 25 now and it haunts me every day. Why can’t people just like me? What is wrong with me? I can’t sleep at night because I’m up trying to distract myself from my thoughts. I try to fill the void, but ultimately, I am so uninspired, sad, and feel so unworthy of love. I don’t know how to overcome this. It’s to the point where I’m terrified to leave my apartment, and too scared to work a job that isn’t from home. I’m scared of being recognized. I’m scared of people knowing anything at all about me. I’m scared of people knowing my name. Because I’m genuinely ashamed to exist. Just like you said. I wish I was invisible. And I don’t even want to get started on what goes through my head when I think of any memories of social interaction whatsoever. It’s physically painful. I’m mortified by everything I say and do. Even typing this has me embarrassed of how I am once again.
I did try to get a therapist… but she wasn’t very compassionate… and only tried to lock me up in a psych ward and medicate me… So I’m too scared to try again, and too scared to tell my doctors anything about how I feel. Instead I lie, deny, and admit nothing to them. I don’t know what to do. I just want to transcend this pain and figure out healthy lifestyle habits I can take to remove these feelings from my life. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be someone that feels worthy and proud. Not this wounded, deeply ashamed individual who can’t even look in the mirror.
My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. When you’ve been bullied all your life, it takes everything that matters- your strength, confidence, self-love, self-acceptance, all of it. All I can tell younis that you have a friend and that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Please don’t blame yourself because you’re not responsible for their behavior and none of it is your fault. I know that’s hard to believe when you’ve been told the opposite your whole life. But you need to hear that you matter, you have value, and you ARE a good person. 💖💐🌹🙏