So, your bullies have suddenly had a change of heart. They’re finally treating you right. They’re finally talking to you like you’re equal to them. The bullies are smiling in your face, giving you pats on the back, and talking to you like you’re one of them and you belong.
But you’re smarter than what they give you credit for. You notice that the bullies are so sweet – too sweet. You think that if they don’t stop with the pleasantries soon, you’ll surely fall into a sugar coma!
You also notice a slight fakeness in the tones of their voices and that instead of making you feel good about yourself, they instead make you feel a little gross. But you don’t mention it to them. Just stay polite yet neutral.
The bullies are even inviting you to sleepovers, parties, cookouts, lunch and dinner dates, meetings, and family get-togethers. Every time these people talk to you, they seem to gush over you, and there again is that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.
You grow suspicious of them, and rightfully so. And in your mind, you ask yourself, “Why are they acting so nice to me all of a sudden?”
You politely decline the invitations they extend to you. But trust me, they won’t give up so easily. There will be a few more tricks up their sleeves. You can bet on it.
Here’s another bad sign to look for:
1. They’re nosey. The bullies will seem so interested in your life and in what you’re doing. But don’t be flattered. Chances are, they’re only probing you for information they can use against you later.
They will ask you a ton of questions about your family and what you do outside of school or work. Those questions are innocent enough. However, they will slowly and gradually move into more personal territory.
Bullies will begin asking you what your political views and beliefs are and about your religious views. You don’t have to answer those. It’s none of anyone’s business!
Before long, they will begin prying into your personal and private business. These snoops will ask your opinion of this person and that, who you’re dating, how you feel about this, that and the other. They will ask questions that anyone with a brain would know better than to ask. Some things are just off limits!
Bullies will even share with you some personal deets about themselves. But don’t be fooled! They’re only doing it to put you at ease and in hopes that you’ll share a few of yours. Again. Don’t fall for it!
Understand that any time someone asks questions that are none of their business, it’s a dead giveaway that they intend to use your answers against you. Don’t answer them!
Also, anytime people ask you very personal questions, it also means that they don’t respect your right to privacy. And be warned that when you refuse to let them in on your private business, they may come back and accuse you of “having something to hide.”
Don’t believe it! Because it’s not about having anything to hide, it’s about knowing that some things aren’t anyone’s business, and they should respect that.
Never share anything that you wouldn’t want anyone else to know!!!
Dear cheriewhite, I love your post! I honestly thought about all the american films I have watched in my life about college school and bullying (for example, never been kissed). I am so glad that somebody speaks out! I hope that some victim can read your post and react. Thank you!
Thank you so much. This means a lot. ❤
I am dealing with this exact situation at work now. They were so mean now they are acting nice. I really don’t trust it.
Oh no! Please for your own safety. Avoid those monsters at all costs, if possible!
Hi Cherie,
Your article is great, and I’m hugely grateful for your writing! Thank you for taking the time to write about this.
I have been looking for advice about what to do now that my daughter’s bully has invited her to her birthday party (well, actually, the invite came from her mother, via WhatsApp). I have not told my daughter yet. My daughter is pretty socially and emotionally astute, and we talk often about how to keep her own mindset, boundaries and ideas of what a good friend is in place – she gets to make her own mind up, by exploring different questions and ideas safely with us, and she tends to make very good decisions independently of us… However, she is a regular 8-year-old-girl and she cares about others’ feelings as much as her own. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone else, because she knows what that feels like. The girl in question has made her feel like that repeatedly, for over a year.
It feels wrong simply to decline the invite on her behalf, without asking her what she wants to do. Having said that, I’m not sure the girl’s mum has actually asked her own daughter about the guest list. My daughter will definitely be confused and conflicted by the invite.
One of our top family values is: kindness and boundaries are both important (or, “Being kind does not mean never saying “no”).
Any advice?
Thank you so much. 💖 My heart goes out to your daughter. 💔 I feel your pain and hers. Also, I totally understand your concern because, as a parent myself, I would be.
The fact that it came from her mother rather than the bully is a huge red flag. I very lovingly advise to think twice before accepting the invitation. Here are a few reasons why:
1. The mother could be forcing her bully daughter to invite your daughter or taking it upon herself to do so. This could cause resentment in the bully and she may take it out on your daughter by mistreating her and excluding her in front of the other kids at the party. And this will be very humiliating.
2. If the bully asked her mother to invite your daughter to the party, (which is highly unlikely) she might be setting her up to be physically attacked or to be pranked and humiliated.
Encourage your daughter to put herself first. As you mentioned, “kindness doesn’t mean never saying no.” Therefore, there’s no law that says she has to accept the invitation. And if someone has mistreated her and all of a sudden starts being nice, you are right to be very suspicious. Because it probably wouldn’t be safe for her to go.
Know that your daughter is in my thoughts and prayers and so are you. Please remind her that no matter how bullies treat her or what they tell her, there is nothing wrong with her and none of it is her fault. Remind her that her bullies are the ones who have the issues, otherwise they would feel they need to treat her so terribly.
Wishing you both a fantastic weekend.
Thank you Cherie! Your advice and kindness are both hugely appreciated, and this has helped us greatly. Have a good weekend too.
You’re most welcome. 💖💖💖