Why The Target Often Gets the Blame While the Bully Escapes Accountability

Good morning, everyone. Today, I feel that it is important to answer a question that I’m positive that every person, who has ever been a victim of bullying, has asked either themselves or another person at some point or another: “Why am I always to blame?” and “Why do my tormentors often get away with tormenting me?”

Here is the answer and there are many factors:

Bullies are very convincing liars. Bullies have been lying and covering up bad behavior all of their lives. They have been doing this for long enough that they have learned what works and what does not work. They are master manipulators, skilled in the art of deception. Bullies are also very good at rationalizing and justifying their unacceptable behavior. They are con artists, who often use charm to deceive those in authority.

Bullies often use projection, which is projecting their own faults and shortcomings onto their targets, making the target look like the bully and themselves look like the victim. When faced with possible accountability for their evil actions, they often cry and feign victimhood. This tactic is usually employed by female bullies.

Bullies are very charming to the right people, which can be used as another weapon against a victim. Bullies seem to emit an oozing charm. Because of this, they had a way of winning people over and making them their allies. A good reputation can be used as a weapon against any target because with this good name, the bully has everyone (except the target) fooled and others cannot believe that “this sweet, innocent, pretty little girl” would harm anyone. Take the outgoing guy that everyone loves, no one is going to believe that this “fine young man” would ever beat up a smaller boy unless he was provoked.

Because this person has so many friends who cherish them. Even if these friends did witness them undertake any wrong doing, they will still more than likely cover up for the bully out of loyalty and place the blame on the target.

There is strength in numbers and people in large numbers can have a cumulative power which can be overwhelming even for the greatest, toughest, strongest, most intelligent of individuals. To put it plainly, if enough people are against a person, that person is powerless, no matter how strong, smart, beautiful or easy going they may be

Bullies use gaslighting- adding their own spin to make you look and feel like the villain or by laying guilt trips- trying to convince you that you are at fault or that the abuse is just your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

Bullies malign you to others to destroy your good name and credibility: They recruit followers and start a campaign of hate and viciousness against you, by way of rumors, lies, and trying to turn your friends against you. This occurred to me on a regular basis in school and it would happen as retaliation for my having the gall to stand up to them and assert my God-given, divine right not to be abused or taken advantage of.

There were several different benefits from the execution of this strategy. Number one: It could be used to protect one another from being labeled by a teacher and getting a bad reputation. Most, who have been in school has a least gotten into two fights, which sounds perfectly normal. Number two: Destroying the victim’s name with the staff would lessen any chances of being listened to, should the target run and “tattle” to members of authority. Again, protecting them from discipline at school and allowing them the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they feel like it.

Targets get the blame because sadly, the attitude of most bystanders and members of authority is this: “Why would so many kids have it in for her if she’s not provoking them somehow?” or “Nobody likes him, so there has to be a reason that justifies it.”

After all, who is going to look any further then the child with the worst name anytime a confrontation arises? It is all designed to manipulate school staff and save the bullies’ behinds from having to face repercussions and therefore, leaves an opening for further bullying later on.

I believe that victims not only need confidence to fight bullying, but also knowledge of the techniques bullies use. Therefore, the more knowledge we can gain of how bullies operate, the better we will be able to protect ourselves.

Have a wonderful day, everyone!


Message to Parents


Good morning everyone. Today, I have an important message to parents of victims:

Parents, I can’t stress this enough. If you have any love for your child and he/she is being repeatedly and ceaselessly bullied after you have exhausted all other efforts, enroll them in a different school and do it fast! Get them out of that poisonous environment and away from those toxic people! Though I realize that this isn’t always feasible, your child’s life and emotional well-being are at extreme risk and should take priority over anything else! Do what you have to do to protect your son or daughter! Whatever it takes, get him/her OUT OF THERE!!!

In todays’ world, however, changing schools may not be enough to keep bullies at bay. With the advancement of technology, bullies can now have access to their victims twenty-four hours a day and have a reach that can extend clear around the globe. The internet, text messaging and cellphones are a great convenience to have, don’t get me wrong. But they can also be tools for the bullies to reach your child, even after you have transferred them to another school.

Bullies have a sick obsession with their target. They are stalkers and will not let your child go. Bullies are fixated on their victims and nowadays, anytime a child changes schools, the bullies from their old school will find a way to contact them and continue the harassment. A bully is like a dog with a bone. They…will…not…let…GO! Not any time soon.

This is why parents should delete the child’s accounts, change any passwords and usernames their child may have used and have unlimited access to such information. Cellphone numbers must be changed. Also, all online and cellphone activity must be monitored. Your child may not agree and may even be angry because he will feel as if his privacy is being invaded. This will seem unfair and he will also feel as if he’s being punished. However, you’re not doing this to punish him/her, you are doing it to protect your child. Always keep this in mind and explain it to your son or daughter.

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Low Self-Esteem Is Not Something We Are Born With

Good morning, everyone. I hope you’re having a happy Monday. Today, I want to discuss the downward spiral that victims of bullying often experience over time if they aren’t removed from a negative environment.

Insecurity and a lack of confidence are not characteristics that we’re born with. They are taught! Not only by bullies or abusive family members, but can also unwittingly programmed into us by caring family members who call themselves trying to teach us humbleness and humility. These characteristics are both good virtues to have, but only in moderation. Too much of it, however, can cause us to suppress a little too much of ourselves and hide our own awesome personalities, talents and gifts, which can grow into insecurity and in worse cases, self-loathing.

I believe that each and every one of us is born with confidence and a heart of gold. Yet over time, our environments, circumstances and sadly, the people in our lives can slowly erode that natural confidence and goodness we were born with.

After being hurt for so long, we withdraw from others and put up a barrier to protect ourselves. We turn cold and began to harden ourselves to numb feelings of rejection and the pain that comes with it. Before long, we regard the feelings and suffering of others with indifference- we just don’t give a damn about anyone, how they feel or what they think. Sometimes we even grow cold toward the people who love us because we have lost the ability to trust. We no longer have any respect for others, much less ourselves. Lastly, we come to that evil place where schadenfreude takes hold on our personalities and we secretly or openly, take pleasure in seeing others, especially those we despise, suffer.

Just as we take steps to protect our health, finances, property, etc.; we must also take steps to protect our self-esteems.

Have a blessed day!

The Importance Of Loving Yourself

Good morning, everyone! Today, I want to discuss what is the most important lesson in life that you can ever learn: Loving yourself first.

When you are a target of bullying, loving yourself can be very difficult when it seems that the only thing you hear from others is negativity. Constantly being bombarded with ugly names, cruel taunts and attacks over a long period of time can very easily have a cumulative and devastating effect on your self-esteem and if you aren’t careful, you too will begin to believe the cruel falsehoods that mean-spirited others tell you. I know about this all too well.

However, no matter how viciously others may treat you, it’s imperative that you do everything possible to hold on to self-love! Even if you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day and make positive affirmations (“I AM an awesome person”, “I AM beautiful”, “I AM worthy of being loved”, etc.), you must maintain your self-esteem and never let anyone brainwash you into thinking that you are less than.

Here is another excerpt from my book, which gives a more in-depth explanation of why this is so important:

“…You must love and respect yourself before anyone else can love and respect you. You must take care of YOU. You must command, not demand, but ‘command’ respect and love from others, including a few family members that you love dearly and be willing to make some very difficult decisions in order to receive that love and respect. Sometimes, you have to walk away, knowing full well that there is always a chance that the person may never see your worth. And this means coming to a place where you no longer care even the slightest about the outcome.

However, there is a strong chance that your value will go up in that person’s eyes and they will eventually see your worth and treat you better than you ever thought possible. It may not happen overnight. In fact, it may take up to several years, but it happened for me and it can happen for you too.

If, by chance, it does not happen, realize that you did not turn your back on the person because you did not love them, but only because they did not love you enough to treat you with the love and respect that you know in your heart of hearts that you deserve…”

You must love yourself or nobody will love you. Never look outside of yourself for love and validation. Never depend on others for assurance of your value. Let love come from within your heart!


Wishing everyone a wonderful day.





Lulls In Bullying: What Do They Mean?

Good evening, everyone. Here’s another important fact that people often miss when it comes to bullying and harassment of a target. Bullying is a pattern with highs and lows. The harassment will begin, escalate, reach a climax, then a lull usually follows. These breaks or “lulls” can last for up to several months.

Now that you’ve read the first paragraph, you must be asking yourself what this means. Below is an excerpt of my book “From Victim to Victor (A Survivor’s True Story of Her Own Experiences With School Bullying. How She Overcame, Won Back Her Confidence and Found Peace and Happiness)”, which gives a more in-depth explanation.

Have a wonderful night!

“…I cannot begin to tell you how thoroughly sick I was of all the drama. I was tired of having to fight. Honestly, I hated to fight, but I had no idea as to how to break this vicious cycle. It was then that I realized that this was a pattern…a pattern, which there seemed to be no end to. School would start and there would always be a lull of maybe a month to four months. In high school, there were highs and lows…times when the bullying would come to a peak of nonstop harassment and other times when it seemed to disappear for a while. Then after a month or two, WHAM! They would strike again with something new.

Now that I am older, I realize that the pauses and lulls may have been deliberate, used to give the bullies time to regroup and think up new strategies…strategies, which they knew I would never suspect. Then I would be taken by surprise.

I also believe they wanted to give me a false sense of security in hopes that I would get comfortable and let down my defenses. They would then blindside me when the time was right.

Bullies are very strategic. They plot, they plan, and they do these things in groups. Bullies are very calculating people. They slowly and cunningly set the stage for their attacks. You must stay a few steps ahead of them by equipping yourself with the knowledge of how bullies operate…”

If you are a victim, I hope that this has given you a better understanding of these patterns and that you too can use these lulls to your own advantage by arming yourselves with knowledge and better prepare yourselves for the next attack.

Wishing you love, happiness and success!

Never Chase Anyone Who Doesn’t See Your Worth



Good afternoon, everyone. I hope that everyone is enjoying the early stages of Summer.

A thought occurred to me about something that some victims do. I did the same thing when I first attended a new school at age 12. I was so anxious to make friends and did not set boundaries as to the way I wanted to be treated. I figured that as long as I could hang with people, it did not matter how shoddily they treated me. I got hurt many times over because the reality of it was that these people were only tolerating me. However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that these people weren’t good for me. Only then did I begin to avoid people who only pretended to accept me.

Here’s my advice to targets who feel lonely and desperate for friends:

Never chase anyone who does not see your worth…EVER! It is beneath you and those who do not value you, no matter how ‘cool’ they act or look, do not deserve the privilege of being in your presence. You need to cleanse your life of these toxic people. You are better off without them.

I realize that if you are a target of bullying, your options for friendship are extremely limited. However, if the options that you do have for friends are only tolerating you and they turn hot and cold, exclude you or talk behind your back, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate those friendships.

There is a difference between someone who genuinely likes you and someone who is only tolerating you. And you always know when someone is only tolerating you because of the way you feel when that person is around. You can feel it in your gut. You can hear the shortness and coldness in the tone of their voices. You can see it in the way that they look at you (or don’t look at you). You can feel the cold vibes that they put out. There is nothing worse than the realization that someone whom you think highly of thinks very little of you. It is the most uncomfortable and sickening feeling. It is the equivalent of being kicked in the stomach!

I want you to know that you do not have to be around such poisonous people. Anyone who makes you feel uneasy does not deserve your friendship. It does not matter if they are rich, good looking, popular, successful, cool, tough or whatever. If they cause you to feel less than, ditch them! WEED. THEM. OUT! They are not worthy of being in your company. You are better off without them.

Understand that this may mean staying to yourself for a time. Listen. No one wants to be a loner. I understand it and I sympathize with you. However, I believe that it’s much better to be alone than to crawl up behind anyone who does not see your value. It’s the equivalent of a romantic relationship where one partner loves too much and bends over backwards for the other partner, chasing, buys gifts, etc. only to be rebuffed and not loved in return.

Trust me, whether the relationship is romantic or friendship, you are better off without people who do not reciprocate. You are better off by yourself.

Understand that you may be all alone for a while. It takes courage to walk away from a person or people who take you for granted, especially when options to make human connections are so few. And I won’t lie to you, you may be by yourself for a while. It may get very lonely, even sad and depressing at times. But be strong and stay true to your own heart! You deserve so much better!

I promise you this: If you have the courage to walk away from such people, it may take a while, but life will eventually reward you by placing better and more loving people in your path…people who will genuinely love you,  and have your best interests at heart. You will have better friends…friends who WANT to spend time with you, who want to invite you to parties and other events, and who will be there for you when the chips are down. You will have friends who are tried and true.

Have a wonderful afternoon!

When Your Bullies Push You to Your Breaking Point, Always THINK Before You Act!

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Tonight it was placed upon my heart to share this due to shootings, which continue to plague our country. I pray that people wake up and realize that there are better ways to solve disputes.

Sadly, today, school shootings are at an all-time high. Since the Columbine Shooting in 1999, more bullied victims have let their tormentors push them to taking innocent lives. In just the last five years, school shootings have become an epidemic! This has to STOP!

No matter how bad people may treat you, it’s never okay to take a life! Never! There is nothing that justifies killing another human being unless they are in your home and threatening your life and/or the lives of your family. Murder is wrong! And there are better and more productive ways to handle bullying.

Here’s another thought:

Anytime you bring a gun to school and shoot a bully who has tormented you, you automatically make them the victim! I will say it again, “You automatically make the bully the victim! That’s exactly what bullies want…to be the victim in the eyes of others.

Remember that bullies are masters at feigning victimhood, which is in most cases why they go unpunished while the target looks guilty. Your bullies have looked innocent and vilified you in the eyes of others for far too long! Why then would you want to make these people even bigger victims while proving to the rest of the world that you really are a despicable person?

Looking ahead and delving even deeper, years from now, your bullies’ names will be engraved on a memorial in front of the school while your name will be regarded with shame and contempt. You will go down in history as a disgusting and vile monster while your bullies will be remembered as either heroes or martyrs! Seriously? Is this what you want?

When you make a decision to take the life of another person, you not only put shame on yourself, but also on your entire family. Once you kill someone, you can never rectify it.

You must think before you act!!! Thinking ahead was what kept me from doing something which could have permanently altered my own life and the lives of not only my classmates and their families, but members of my own family as well. I beg you…DON’T DO IT!!!

Instead, take care of yourself and make positive changes in your own life. Better yourself and accomplish goals. Do things that make you the happiest. It can be as simple as doing something you’re good at and winning an award for it or making an A on a test! And when you do, it will be the absolute best revenge you can ever take. I promise you!

It’s all about SELF! Make it all about YOU and what YOU can achieve! Gather unto YOU as many successes and happy moments as possible!

How Bullying of a Certain Student Can Become Status Quo and Why You Must Assert Yourself When it First Begins

Good evening, everyone. Tonight, I would like to discuss something, which I am almost positive that few people consider when it comes to bullying: How the torment of a particular classmate can become status quo or habit­ with classmates if it’s not properly taken care of in the early stages.

Bullying of a certain individual is like a cancer that grows and spreads. A bully scans the environment, seeking whom he can torment. When he/she spots his/her possible victim, he/she tests the waters by way of small snarky comments, backhanded compliments or anything which may cause the victim to feel uncomfortable. The bully does this to see how the other person will react. If the individual on the receiving does nothing to assert their right not to be mistreated, the bully sees this as a green light for future bullying. Therefore, this individual has now become a target!

Word soon gets around the entire school that this target is ripe for bullying and others will join in. As time goes by, the torment becomes more of a regular, everyday occurrence. More and more classmates will bully the target and the taunts and/or physical attacks become more and more brutal. The attacks then become harder to combat, thus it becomes more difficult for the victim to either get help or protect his/herself.

The bullying of this victim has now become the status quo with the student body and school. Others refuse to help the target either due to rumors and lies to discredit her, or the widespread belief that, “Well, no one likes her anyway, so there has to be some justification to it.”. The power dynamic has now been firmly put in place and the status quo is maintained.

Finally, the victim feels trapped and either constantly lives in misery and fear for their own safety and/or commits suicide.

If the bullying of a certain student is allowed to continue over a certain amount of time, even for as short as a few weeks, it will likely become the status quo with his/her peers at school. Once it becomes the status quo, it’s virtually impossible to assert your rights without encountering a ton of resistance and reprisals.

The trick is to assert yourself immediately before the bully or bullies grow(s) accustomed to tormenting you because once they do, in most cases, it’s too late. Once it is too late, anytime you are brave and refuse to bow down to a bully, expect retaliation…expect to be severely punished for undermining the bully’s perceived authority or power over you.

This is a warning that you absolutely must heed. Anytime, one certain student is repeatedly bullied over a certain period of time, it becomes a habit…a ritual for any and every one at the school. Anytime you muster up the spunk to say and/or do anything to assert, defend, or stand up for yourself, you are going against a status quo or perceived norm. And once you dare to go against any status quo, you had better prepare yourself for an all-out war!

You are a target! And bullies refuse to see you as anything but. As much as it may suck, when a person becomes a target of bullying, people- bullies, bystanders, and yes; sometimes even teachers and staff, consciously or subconsciously expect the person to stay a target. They expect you to put your head down and take it…to just accept it and if you even attempt to grow a spine, they will do everything in their power to break it.

Anytime a person, who has been a target of bullies over a long period of time, takes steps to take back their power, the unspoken message of the bully is this:

“No! Wait a minute! You’ve been a lowlife loser all this time and NOW you decide to better yourself?” or “Whoa! You’ve been a doormat this long, so why NOW do you get uppity and decide to grow some sack?”

 …all of which translates to an even deeper message that says:

“Holy Crap! We’re not used to him/her being so outspoken! This scares us! We’ve tried A, now we have to do B and if B doesn’t work, then we will have to resort to C to put this person back in his/her place and do it quick before we lose our foothold on her and therefore, lose the benefits that we have enjoyed at her expense!”

This is because bullies are extremely frightened by change, especially a change in the power dynamic which has long been set. They and others want you to stay a victim because “it’s just the way things are done at this school.”.  Also, bullies are benefiting from your victimization and they do not want to lose those benefits (social status, gratification, satisfaction, etc.)

Your bullies’ degradation of you has become habit…a ritual…a tradition, so to speak. And your defending your right to be safe from harm poses the threat of change and most people cannot easily accept change, bullies especially.

Furthermore, bullies believe that it is their right to abuse their target. Yes! They honestly believe that they have a right to mistreat the person because they assume that they have absolute authority over their victim and that they are entitled to inflict misery on him/her. In the mind of a bully, you as the target do not have the right to undermine, nor question their perceived authority over you. Others believe that you deserve the ill treatment and that you owe it to them to put your head down and “just shut up and take it”.

If this does not tick you off enough to make you want to snatch your power back, I do not know what will. But before you can do so, you must have knowledge of the inner workings of these types of individuals. You must be wise to what it is that makes this type of person tick. It’s imperative that you get abreast on the psychology of the typical school bully, his/her background, motives, how and why the bully seems to escape accountability, and a host of other important and possibly life-saving information.

You absolutely MUST address it early on, as soon as you begin to see a pattern forming. Do not make the same mistake I did and let it get so bad that you either fear for, or want to end your own life.

How I wish I knew this back then!




Well-Meaning Families of Targets: How They Can Sometimes Make the Situation Worse


When a child is the target of bullying, it is difficult for his/her own family comprehend the turmoil because they are not with her twenty-four seven. In most cases, family members themselves have been fortunate enough not to have been a victim of bullying during school. Although the child’s family may love her, I believe that they don’t understand and often feel helpless as to the best recourse to take in order to protect and defend her. Bullies are persistent. And any measures that parents take to protect and defend their son or daughter often yield either no results, or worse…adverse results.

Bullies will not be deterred. They will not go away. They have a sick, twisted obsession with their victims and anything that parents or school staff do to protect the target will likely be seen as an affront and make the situation worse. Therefore, parents and well-meaning family members end up exhausting all efforts to protect their loved-one. After seeing little or no results, they grow weary and frustrated, often lashing out at their child. Before long, the very people a bullied child depends on to protect them end up blaming them for their own suffering, telling him/her that it must be their fault, that they have to be doing something to “bring it all on themselves”. Because the popular belief has long been (and still is) that “no one would target another person without a reason”.

This belief only further alienates the child, crushing their spirit. The target often clams up and keeps hidden any further incidences of bullying, feeling shame for something that is absolutely no fault of their own. I say this because it happened to me. Even though I now understand the anguish that my family must have gone through, it still hurts to think of it sometimes.

Parents often misplace blame in an attempt to make sense of it. Even today, too many people think that sociopathic bullies have to have a good reason to mistreat someone. They don’t. A bully does not have to have a good reason to pick a victim to torment and does not have to be provoked. I will say it again, “You do not have to provoke a bully.” The only thing you have to do is to be available and in the bully’s sights…to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It’s Not Only In Your Mind. You Know When Something Does Not Feel Good.


Happy Friday, everyone. Today, I would like to discuss the confusion, which targets of bullying often face…the confusion of whether or not they are legitimately being bullied or only being paranoid.

Oftentimes, when an individual is bullied and they defend themselves, others may either trivialize the bullying or dismiss it, by telling the victim that “it’s only in your mind” or “you’re just being paranoid”. Therefore, the bully is let off the hook and is free to target the same individual again in the future. The bully gets the message loud and clear that it’s okay to target this person simply because they CAN…and with impunity. Whereas, after so long, the victim begins to feel as if it is somehow wrong to report and/or stand up to bullies. The victim then questions their own sanity, thinking, “Maybe it really is only in my mind.” and often grows silent for fear of being gaslighted and seen as “paranoid”, “crazy”, “overly sensitive” or other labels that undermine his/her sanity.

Let me enlighten you: It’s not only in your imagination. You are not being overly sensitive. You are not being a wimp, wuss, crybaby, crazy or whatever else unsavory people may call you.

Always remember that bullies are very skilled and convincing liars. You always know when something does not feel good. You can see it in the way certain people cut their eyes at you and talk through their teeth. You can hear the short and cold tone in their voices. You can feel, deep down in your gut, the nasty vibes they exude. This is why you should always listen to your gut feeling because it is never wrong. Eighty-six those people pronto!

Anyone who causes you to feel bad does not deserve your friendship. It does not matter if they are rich, smart, good looking, popular, successful, cool or tough. If they cause you to feel less than, ditch them! WEED. THEM. OUT! They are not worthy of even being in your presence. Never allow anyone to violate your boundaries, whether physical or psychological.

Self awareness is key. You must get to know yourself. It is imperative that you get absolutely clear on what you will and will not accept. Only then will you be able to tell the difference and send your bullies packing.

Wishing each and every one of you a very blessed weekend!


Remembering Grandma

I woke up this morning thinking about my precious Grandma and the summers I spent with her while I was a kid, when Daddy was in the Army. I thought of the weekends spent with her when I was a teenager. I recalled the big breakfasts of eggs, sausage, bacon and toast or pancakes (she always made the best pancakes) she would cook for me every Saturday and Sunday mornings I was at her house and of the many deep conversations we would have while sitting at her table. I remembered all the Uno, Skip-bo and other card games we would play together…either just the two of us or with Aunt Becky or Aunt Geneva. I thought about her taking me to church. I reminisced about the many times she would take me to the Dyersburg Mall, back when malls were in their heyday, or when she would take me to rummage sales, to Memphis, and sometimes to Alabama and Mississippi. Grandma and I would go almost everywhere when we would get out and about on the weekends. And I thought about the ice cream she would feed me…as much ice cream as I wanted. I will never forget all the times she took me to the Sonic or the old ice cream parlor on the square when it was still open. She spoiled me. At the same time, she helped teach me the manners and values which help me to navigate this world today.
I also remember the bad tornado that hit while I was with Grandma and how she threw me to the floor and got on top of me, protecting me…shielding me from possible flying debris. Grandma and I had many close calls together. Being with her was never dull or boring! It was an adventure!
The day that she passed away, which also happened to be the eighth anniversary of Dad’s death, I remember climbing into bed with her and placing my arm around her as she lay there during her last moments and drawing her last breaths. At 42 years old, I was like a kid again doing this. I wanted her to know that I was there and that I loved her. I still do.
Tears still come to my eyes and I still miss her. That will never change.
I miss you Grandma. Thank you so much for making such a positive difference in my life. Tomorrow, you will be gone three years and and it still gets hard knowing that I will never again see you in this lifetime. I will miss you until my dying day. However, I take comfort in knowing that you are in a much better place than any of us who are still left on this earth.
I love you, Grandma! I love you to the moon and back and to the ends of the earth! Always!
Frances Bain White Tims. 1931-2013

What it Feels Like to be a Target of Bullying and What I Did to Compensate


Good morning, everyone. Today, it was placed upon my heart to talk in depth about what it feels like to be a target of bullying and what I did to compensate for it. I believe that so many victims today can easily relate to my story. With that said, I want to tell you that if you are or have been a victim of school bullies, you are not alone and you will eventually overcome your tormentors just like I did.

“…I dressed my absolute best and still it was not good enough for me. I wanted to dress like a million bucks for school. Clothes from Walmart just were not good enough. I had to go to the mall, Cato, Tempo, Maurice’s, or Hollywood’s before I was satisfied. I was not happy unless I was dressed to the nines at school.

I had to be very well dressed because I was still quite a bit insecure inside. I did not feel like I was worth anything unless I was dressed to impress. One of the thoughts which consumed me all during high school was how to dress like a fashionista. It had a lot to do with how poorly I was being treated and I continued to believe that the better I dressed, the better I would be treated although, the exact opposite would occur, arousing even further hatred and contempt.

Nevertheless, I absolutely had to be dressed in the hottest fashions or I just did not feel adequate. The more they put me down, the more I would dress up. I felt that my attire was providing me a sense of not only style but control.

On some mornings and even on Christmas morning, I would dress up, look at myself in the mirror and think,

“So they think I am trash? They must be blind. Does this look like trash? I think not! I know I’m hot and they are not going to convince me otherwise!”

Does this sound arrogant? Conceited? Maybe. Does this sound downright narcissistic? Perhaps. Was it the right attitude to have? Both yes and no.

This holier-than-thou attitude, however unattractive it might have been, helped me preserve what little self-esteem and dignity I had. It helped me to keep going when things were at their worst. It helped me to keep from being totally brainwashed and reprogrammed by my evil classmates, unlike a good majority of other bullied targets, who sadly were not that fortunate and still are not today!

Sure. This same attitude could have also very easily gotten me hurt or worse had my bullies known for certain about it. A lot of those girls carried knives, especially those who were from families of criminals and ex-cons, families who were dirt poor or just plain loco. Sadly, that was over half of the student body. I have no doubt that they would not have thought twice about whipping a blade out and slicing my face with it if they could have gotten me in the right place and I would have had to wear it for life.

However, this arrogance I often displayed was the only way I knew to stay strong and to maintain a little bit of poise. I was only a teenager and had not yet fully developed the concrete thinking skills nor the processing ability to handle my situation more objectively. Back then, I was a slave to my emotions and I let them guide me in how I handled people and situations.

Also, I was under a tremendous amount of stress and had been for the last three years. And when anyone, even the most logical and rational person is under a large amount of stress that lasts over a long period of time, the glucocorticoids that have flooded the brain and body for so long will cause the atrophy of areas responsible for memory, emotional regulation, and ability to maintain positive relationships. Therefore, neurologically, I had two strikes against me…a double-whammy.

From the sixth grade, up until I left Oakley, I was constantly in survival mode due to being bullied and had to be in order to protect my personal well-being. To even make it to graduation, I had to be hyper vigilant to be safe. You must understand that when you are a victim of vicious bullies, it is as if you constantly have a target on your back. You are a MARKED person and you learn very quickly to grow eyes in the back of your head…”

How Targets Can Sometimes Become Bullies Themselves and Why

Good morning everyone. This is and always will be very hard for me to admit to because no one wants to admit that they were ever a bully. However, I feel an obligation to each and very bullied person to be truthful about how I too bullied others during school to keep my own self-esteem from completely bottoming out. With that said, I have felt complete remorse over the last two decades and would like to offer a sincere and heartfelt apology to those I caused harm to during those years. I am truly sorry.

Like attracts like. Good produces more good and evil begets evil. Bullying can be used as a defense mechanism…bullying in response to bullying. Targets of bullying feel powerless and often learn very quickly to become bullies themselves in order to reclaim some of their power. Because they are being tormented, they get the impression that to stay off the bottom of the pecking order, they must find a target of their own to degrade and humiliate. This is wrong!

Often, bullied children and teens feel helpless. They feel that they have absolutely no control over anything in their lives. Therefore, they too become bullies in an attempt to feel some sense of power and control over something…ANYTHING. They often bully others who are even more powerless than they are to make themselves feel better about themselves.  Crap always rolls downhill and no one wants to be at the bottom of the social hierarchy. Just as there are people who fight to stay on top, there are others who fight just as hard to stay off the bottom. An example of this would be: A child gets yelled at by parents, then goes outside and kicks the dog. It is the same with most bully targets. I simply call this “Kicking the Dog”.

I was guilty of the same thing. I am ashamed to admit how cruelly judgmental I had become in high school. I constantly pointed a finger, I scoffed and laughed at people, and I scapegoated those I thought were easy and pieces of scum. I thumbed my nose, I looked down on and talked down to certain others. I exalted myself over particular people, I lorded over them. Yes! I did all of that…in front of an audience. All for the purpose of holding power over certain individuals, getting my thrills and looking cute.

From Victim to Victor, Chapter 29: “…Yes, I am guilty of bullying others I perceived as less than myself. Yes, I thumbed my nose at the types of people mentioned above and I did this to boost my own beaten down self-esteem and make myself feel better. And yes, I was wrong for doing so. However, at the time, it was the only way I knew to survive being bullied myself.

This served as a temporary fix to my brokenness. It was only a salve…a Band-Aid. It was akin to being a drug addict and getting a hit to keep painful withdrawals away. It took away the symptoms but not the cause. It was the same when I would bully and look down on people less fortunate than I was. The self-esteem high I would get from looking upon these types with scorn and loftiness was always short-lived.

And so, anytime I would start to come down from my self-esteem high, I would have to, once again look for someone else dumber and/or weaker than me, to pick apart and degrade by pointing out their bad qualities in order to feel good again. I constantly probed others, looking for shortcomings that I could use against them. If I could not find any flaws, I would just simply make them up and then convince my target of it. This was a cycle that would continue for a few more years.

I am telling you this because I have been on both sides of the fence. I have been both a target and a bully. I want you to understand that there is something seriously wrong with anyone who has to resort to bullying in order to feel good about themselves. If at any time, you have to look down on someone and mistreat them by pointing out their misfortunes and/or less than desirable qualities, the real problem is within yourself.

True confidence is not achieved by resorting to temporary fixes such as these I have just mentioned. No. True confidence flows continuously and is steady. It oozes from every fiber of your being naturally and effortlessly. True, authentic confidence is unshakeable!

Real confidence is quiet and there is no need to boast. There is no need to cause psychological, physical, emotional or spiritual harm to another human being to achieve it. It is still there but obscured…hidden because some creep from the past has wounded you so badly that you have suppressed it out of fear. I believe that each and every one of us is born with confidence and a heart of gold. Yet over time, our environments, circumstances and sadly, the people in our lives can slowly chip away and erode that natural confidence and goodness we were born with.

After being hurt for so long, we withdraw from others and put up a barrier. We turn cold and began to harden ourselves to numb feelings of rejection and the pain that comes with it. Before long, we regard the feelings and suffering of others with indifference. We just don’t give a damn about anyone, how they feel or what they think, sometimes even the people who love us. We no longer have any respect for others, much less ourselves. Lastly, we come to that evil place where schadenfreude takes hold and we secretly or openly, take pleasure in seeing others, especially those we despise, suffer.

I can say this because I was there. I had allowed my bullies to change me from a caring, loving child to an evil, spiteful teenager. I had become this person I was never taught to be. I was angry, full of bitterness and spite because of the torment which had been inflicted on me for the last four years. I went from being friendly and accepting of everyone, regardless of what they had, to being this cruel, cold, heartless human being who was beautiful…gorgeous on the outside, but very ugly and rotten on the inside.

Because I had been unfairly judged, I judged others. Because I had been bullied, I did my share of bullying. Because I had been picked apart, I wanted to pick others apart. Because I was miserable, I wanted someone else to be miserable too.

And how did I learn to be so cold, calculating and heartless? My own bullies had taught me very well how to bully and degrade with stealth and precision. And they had taught me by doing the same to me. I learned from them how to be even more meticulous and cunning. Yes, there were times when I got caught and was punished, but there were more times when I avoided accountability.

I used to get my kicks out of seeing others’ friendships and relationships end. At different times in high school, I would instigate fights between other people, then stand back and watch proudly what I, at the time, referred to as my handiwork. I enjoyed watching the two girls that I had very stealthily turned against one another, duke it out between themselves, laughing inside while making sure to cover up my bursting gratification with a false look of concern.

And why did I do this?  Because I had no real friendships myself and was jealous of other girls’ friendships. I wanted to destroy those friendships in order to feel like I was not the only one. I wanted to sneakily inflict pain on them because I was in pain. And it would feel so much better to have someone else suffering along with me than to suffer alone.

I was in a very dark place then but I am happy to say that I have managed to dig myself out of that hole and now that I am wiser, no one will ever again put me back in that place…EVER! Not my former classmates, not my coworkers, not a neighbor, not a husband or boyfriend…NO ONE! Also, I now enjoy seeing others happy and fulfilled.

You do not have to do what I did and change your personality to survive. It is not necessary for you to become like them… evil and spiteful, inflicting chaos in the lives of others just to feel better about yourself. There are better ways to achieve those results.

Instead of bullying the bully, stay your true self. Kill them with kindness or come back at them with something funny to throw him/her off kilter. It will take the wind out of their sales because they cannot shake you. Even better, you will feel better about yourself in the long run, just knowing that you did not have to turn into some venomous snake to survive and the confidence that you get from this will be authentic and long lasting. Whereas, the confidence you get from bullying others will always be superficial and short lived. As a result, you will be on a constant search for flaws in others…fodder to use against them in order to feel better. You will also search for a backup victim in case your usual target is not available. Take it from someone who has lived it, this is extremely exhausting and is certainly no way to live.

From Victim to Victor, Chapter 31: “…I absolutely loved the rush of power I would get from talking down to certain people at school. Because it made me feel like a winner…a boss…a champion…a queen!  I relished the fact that I too had the power to ruin some poor soul’s day…to make them squirm with nervousness…to reduce them…demean them…dehumanize them…crush them! This had become so addicting for me that I just could not get enough of it. I needed more. And the more I broke some poor sucker down, the better I felt. I knew I had become a bully and I was actually proud of that because I thought that being a bully meant POWER!

I was doing to certain others what had been done to me. At that time, it was the only way I knew to preserve my self-esteem…”

I want you to know that being bullied does not give you the right to become a bully. Think about how you feel when someone mistreats you. Now think about how your target must feel. The power that you get from bullying another person is only temporary. Whereas, the power that you get from showing kindness and love is INFINITE!